Archive for unpaid child support

Please Show A Single Mom Some Love

Posted in anxiety disorders, Children and Kids, fundraiser, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 8, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms


Going into month ten without the donor paying a cent in support, so he’s now $5000 behind. I’ve been trying to seek work for months to no avail because the only positions open here are ones I am automatically disqualified for due to a bad choice in my past. But I am still trying, still filling out applications and making calls and TRYING. But the notion that this will be the first year since pre-K that I couldn’t get Spook’s school pics is really making me upset. I managed it even when the donor hadn’t been ordered to pay support yet but that was because where we lived in town was so much cheaper than where we were forced to move when they sold it out from under us.

I am tired of asking for help, I know everyone is tired of hearing me ask. But this is my last chance to get her 4th grade pics so I am willing to swallow some pride and risk some annoyance and rejection. Like I said, my family has invested all their money in my nephew’s wedding May 18th, the pawn shop won’t give a hundred bucks for everything we own…So yeah. PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN OR JUST PASS THIS POST ON IN CASE SOMEONE OUT THERE COULD HELP AND UNDERSTANDS HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO HAVE MEMORY PHOTOS OF YOUR KID AS THEY ARE GROWING UP.

We’d be so very grateful.

spook and me tree

Do Or Die Time-Please Repost, Share, and Help Any Way You can

Posted in depression, employment, health with tags , , , , , , , on April 13, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

job search screen shot

So I started a fundraiser, in addition to setting up paypal
to take donations.

I am also going to put in some photos to show my monthly income, how many months we have been without any child support payments, and proof that I AM looking for work.

We need to be shown some love, guys.

Please please please…This is to keep the power turned on, it’s very important. Plus legal fees, the cost of a new psych doc, and to afford the newer treatments insurance won’t cover…THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Happy Caturday and bless you all.

Garbage In, Garbage Out

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , , on April 9, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Wish I could say I woke up this morning feeling all revitalized and badass but truth it…I am feeling pretty damn dejected. Over money, over the situation with the donor, over the traitorous lawyer, over a friend who spewed all logic as those without children do when all you need is someone to agree with you that your oppressors are cockweasels and suck and let you spew…Being pelted with logic at the height of insane emotion did not help. I think it did some damage. And I know the intentions were pure, but in the harsh light of today…It’s still bothering me something fierce. All I can figure is, it’s a mom thing versus a not a mom thing. Because I texted Sass and she was right on board with my maternal outrage and how inept this lawyer is and how this could screw Spook up in the head even more. THAT was what helped me. That and earlier in the day when a friend unexpectedly reached out and at least gave me a sympathetic ear and a bit of hope. I guess I’m just never satisfied if someone eschews logic when what I need is to let emotions run rampant then circle back to logic.

I’ve heard nothing back via email from lawyer or donor in response to Spook’s email. I doubt that I will. And then it will be they didn’t get the email, it went to spam, I got the email address wrong. I feel like I am being gaslit from every direction. I just can’t believe the audacity of that lawyer saying I wouldn’t reply to his call-ONE call in five months- yet this has been dragging on for 3 years because he can never get hold of the donor. And the way he laughed off, “Oh, I know you want the money but that’s not important now.” On what planet is a child’s needs being neglected by a deadbeat parent not important? This lawyer brings out the worst in me and I allow it. But at this point, I think I’d fare better just dealing with the donor. At least I know his mind games and manipulations and what to look out for. This lawyer is just a contradiction, supposed to be fighting for me yet all he talks about is donor donor donor, child visit, money not important. The ONE thing I asked him to do was make sure the donor was held accountable for at least half the legal fees and he failed to even do that much in paperwork and court for me. How is that not malpractice?

I have no choice, though, short of a guardian divorce lawyer in my state taking pity on me and Spook.

I kind of liked the ‘burst’ of clarity I had last night when I realized the lawyer is what is making things worse for me, and it’d be easier to just play nice for Spook’s sake and try to interact directly with donor. That clarity kept me up til almost 11 p.m. a welcome break from my usual crash at 8:30 pm and pray the melatonin kicks in fast.

Today I just feel helpless, hopeless, rejected, dejected. And don’t mistake this for self pity, please. I am battling a crippling depression, violent panic attacks since they lowered my sane pills, and all this stuff on top of it kind of feels like everyone has just piled on me and I can’t…fucking…breathe.

I am scared.

Like, frozen in place scared.

Now I am going to go to a place I don’t like to go but I see no better option than being direct.

Can anyone help us, even a little? I have a paypal account so I can easily transfer money to my prepaid debit card. To get to the end of the month we need about $76 and half of that is for car insurance. I know everyone has it tough these days and I am no one with no right to ask but…I AM ASKING. Pleading. I may be able to get some sort of help with the power bill if they ever send the disconnect notice the assistance people require but to keep our water on, the car road legal, and yes, a few bucks to buy my kid a few Easter things…$76. If seven people chipped in ten bucks, we’d have a few toes out of the darkness. I have to believe in the good of people. I am not asking anyone for hundreds of dollars here. But considering that most people drop $5 several days a week for some fancy coffee, how are we not just as worthy? If I lived near you, I’d be over to mow the lawn, clean your house, walk your dogs, run your errands…But since I live in the middle of fucking nowhere…All I can do is make a sincere plea and hope for a few kind souls.

Now I am off to fill out some more job applications. Maybe today it will take more than 90 minutes before instant rejection and I can have a few moments of self worth. I won’t hold my breath.

Garbage in, garbage out. it’s all so much garbage, and the top of the heap is my own mind sending me so much wrong information that I don’t know if I am coming or going half the time.

I just gotta keep my faith in myself, my child, my good heart and that there are kind people out there who will eventually see something good in and give me a break and hire me.

If I don’t keep faith in that stuff, then I am scared the next rabbit hole I go down I may not emerge from. Terrified.

No court order yet filed but MY lawyer says I have to make my kid see her father Sunday for the first time 8 years

Posted in depression with tags , , , , , , on April 9, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Yep. The useless bucket of monkey spunk lawyer called me today, told me he’d tried multiple times to get hold of me and I wouldn’t answer (my call log for six months will show ONE call missed from him) and now the donor suddenly, after 8 years, wants to see Spook. He hasn’t paid a cent in support, or a cent toward legal or court fees, but MY LAWYER IS PREACHING TO ME HOW I HAVE TO OBEY THE DONOR’S RIGHTS.

I was feeling better after a friend reached out and kind of reminded me to put my head on straight. Then inept lawyer so I talked to another friend and since she’s not a mom, she was all ‘by the book, behave, cooperate’ and at that time…I did not want or need to hear that. I KNOW that shit. I wanted someone to listen to me lose my shit and vent my outrage, then gently guide me back to a place of lucidity.

I had my daughter write an email to her father about them meeting up, with me nearby, in a public place, on one of the days he told the lawyer he was totally available. He who still has a roof overhead after 7 months with no employment or income will likely say he can’t read email but I know for a fact he has a public library card so if he cares, he can go there for free. (Oddly, we live in Bumfuck, so we can’t use the library anymore without a $60 fee for me, and one for Spook.)

I forwarded her email to my lawyer, then sent one of my own, stating I will no longer be communicating by phone. I miss one call in months from him and he gets cocky with me. I call him back an hour later and can’t reach him for weeks, but that’s okay? I think not. He can text, email, or snail mail me. And NONE of my family wants to be involved as this suggested ‘mediator’ and a child advocate costs $250 so…I will take her, I will let them be alone, but I will be near by because I know my kid, I know the ex, and if she has one of her meltdowns with him…he will not be able to comfort her.

I offered my number up for lines of communication via text. I encourage the donor to keep in contact via occasional calls to my number and email with his daughter, whom he has not spent ten minutes with IN EIGHT BLOODY YEARS.

And the lawyer, MY alleged lawyer, said he didn’t care about the issue of support or back support, he just wants me to let the visitations start and only then will he complete the rest of his work in a legal capacity.

He has done everything but post a picture of himself high fiving the donor on social media yet denies it. This started in 2016. Was supposed to be two hearings and through. Nothing being contested, nothing to divide, no alimony…And this man lets it fester for three years and always makes me feel like I am in the wrong and since he told me all about hiw own bad divorce where his ex moved away with their daughter and so he felt his rights were trampled so now he ensures fathers’ rights even if they are not the client…

I want to fire this man. Unfortunately, I need $120 to do even that much. I have to send registered paperwork to him and the court, then file secondard paperwork explaining why I want to drop the case and the lawyer, then I have to pay to have the donor served with that stuff…And then the judge could still refuse my request to fire the lawyer and drop the case….

Could anything in my life not be an exercise in hell on earth?

Unfortunately, I didn’t even land a fair minded judge. He told me from the go that no matter what I had to say or whether the donor paid support, his rights would be enforced in spite of his own choice of an 8 year absence without even mailed birthday and Christmas gifts.

I feel…hulk smash-y.

But I also feel that by having my meltdown, then talking to my sister and hearing them all say they don’t want to be involved and that this lawyer is absolute shit…I think that by extending the offer to the donor, via email with the lawyer and an email from Spook, and my willingness to meet in a public place and let them have time alone together….I think that is me taking back control. If I know the donor’s psyche, and I believe I do, me being cooperative will be the last thing he is expecting. And hey, sue me, I like keeping phony people on their toes.

Mostly I just never ever want to hear my kid ask, “Why can’t you talk to my dad and why can’t he talk to you? Why does it have to be this way?”

It doesn’t.

I will pursue him for child support until I am a specimen on some med school’s dissection table. He owes Spook and maybe he, the lawyer, and the judge aren’t man enough to consider this important…damn good thing she got a fiery mom willing to raim hell upon Earth to see that she gets the justice she deserves.

But really, anyone know a better way to fire a lawyer when you can’t afford a replacement? I’ll drop the case entirely, this was what the donor wanted, so let him go into debt trying to make all this stuff come together.

For now…I will play nice. I will do it because it is what is best for my daughter.

It isn’t the screaming irrational version of me people need to fear and be unnerved by.

Quietly plotting and being civilized…Hell, I even unnerve myself.

And since there has been so much depressive suckage….

I present to y’all…my sister wives cats. If this isn’t an overdose of cuteness, you are dead inside in the worst way.

Prayers For Pegacorns, VLOG short

Posted in depression with tags , , , , , , , on April 7, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Brain…too muddled to type. Borderline rage monster and tear fest. Endure four minutes of video for today’s thoughts.

Sunday is the day to pray, right?

Thou Cannot Rant

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , on April 3, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Have you ever felt that your anxiety and depression are consuming you to the point where you can no longer even work up the anger and frustration to rant?

I am there now. It is not normal for me.

This is depression, lingering seasonal depression, personal situation, overwhelming financial burden. I can’t see any way to get out from under it even I went to work full time this moment. It is stressful and that feeds that depression I already have.

I fear without my usual rants, I will burn alive inside.

Living cremation.

And still, zero fucks are given because my disability is ‘invisible’.

The only reason I have done random rants is because those run a day or two in a row and I only post when I deem it ‘long enough’. Otherwise, even that brings me no joy. I guess I should just throw out my entire identity since that Marie Kondo lady says we can’t hold onto stuff that doesn’t bring us joy because it makes our stuff feel sad.

FML, FTW, and fuck mental health issues.

Stabby Z-Whacking Cabin Fever Pitch

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , on January 20, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I’m not rocking the post titles anymore, but oh well. The winter storm missed us but we got the 35 mph winds and single digit temps so we’re essentially on lock down again this weekend. Armpit even canceled church a second week in a row. I’m about overdosed on my kid’s antics. I felt so guilty for not letting her play with her little friend during the week that I pushed my own boundaries and let him come over for 5 hours yesterday. It was exhausting, all the noise, bickering, demands for food, rowdiness, not listening to me…I was so glad when he left. And he’s not a bad kid but he’s pretty whiny and fussy so he’s the equivalent of three trailer park bratlings. Those kids had barely present parents so they weren’t as needy and dependent. They were, however, far more demanding and backstabbing so I prefer Spook play with C than ever return to what amounted was a free daycare run out of my yard 8 months a year. I just don’t handle stress well.

And neither does she. She’s got cabin fever big time and since it’s like 7 degrees out, with a negative windchill factor, I can’t even send her to play out in the snow like last weekend. Her tablet is fucked up already and everything is boring, it’s like her mantra or something. The complaining gets to me because I am doing my best. The demands get me down because it’s always ‘buy me this when you get the money’. I just got hit with a three hundred dollar heat bill I can’t fucking pay and cover my rent, let alone the other bills. Still nothing with the lawyer and child support. The government shutdown has me ready to scream and slap both sides with a fish cos they are all being dicks and it’s hurting American people who can’t afford this shit.

I am really starting to feel stabby and Z-whacky towards the world at large.

Psych nurse being number one in my circle, and it’s no longer even about the xanax. It’s that she couldn’t even be bothered to return a call and maybe suggest an increase in my antihistamine to ride out the Prozac withdrawal. 3 weeks later, I am still getting a few brains xaps every day, ffs. And I know when I got talk to her, she will refute this, blame the Xanax lower dose, they do this shit to me over and over and over, all of them. But there a million of us who have experienced withdrawal from antidepressants with the brain zaps and still, the pros are in some sort of denial. It makes me feel weak and powerless, which makes me in turn feel like a cornered animal ready to strike out.

I can’t even muster up the anger fueled cleaning state because I did it on Friday and just two days of her being home and having company undid all I accomplished. It seems futile. And the weather is making situational depression so much worse, and the anxiety metastasizes whether triggered or not.

I already forgot the point of this post. To vent, I guess.

And also…DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO HUNT DOWN A CHRONIC DEADBEAT PARENT, DISCOVER WHERE THEY ARE WORKING, AND TURN THEM INTO THE STATE AND THE COURT? I am fed up having it all put on me while he skates scot free, there has got to be a way that I can find him and have him held accountable for his daughter. My dad says I am being naive but he was the idget who told me to pursue child support in the first place when I damn well knew the donor would just make our lives a living hell over it. He didn’t disappoint. If we could just get that support reinstated we would be able to make ends meet. No frivolity but I might actually stop having daily stomach aches and feeling so angry and betrayed and salty towards a system that doesn’t fucking keep its word to help kids get what is owed to them.

Once again, I am back to ‘is it bedtime yet’ mental space and my kid is sick of me being so tired that it means an early bedtime for her but I’m up every two hours and I am not getting any decent rest in spite of 18 mg of melatonin (spread out over the night.) I’m exhausted and beaten down and I want to rip off heads and put them on spears but…I am too damn tired to even follow through on my own anger. Which is probably good cos heads and spears usually means jail time and I don’t need that but…

It boggles my mind how little it would take, in the grand scheme of some people’s income, to get me and Spook ahead of this shit so we might have a chance to flourish. $2000. That’s it. But I can’t even get a payday loan, let alone that much, so I just worry incessantly about feeding her, the cats, how bad the house smells cos I can’t afford clean litter very often…I turned the heat down but now I feel cold all the time and it probably won’t bring the bill down six bucks but I have to cut corners wherever I can. It’s so frustrating to see people who are able to shell out hundreds of dollars for clothing or vacations or just happy fun ball stuff, yet we’re actually a worthy cause cos we didn’t do this to ourselves. This was done to us.

Yea, I know, my shitty choice in sperm donors, my responsibility.

Maybe I’ll just prioritize the psych nurse as being smacked with a fish and save the spear-heading for the donor. See what I did there?

My warped humor is all I have left but I am sure given enough time, the powers that be will try to rob me of that, as well.


That useless piece of shit man loving country lawyer my uncle foisted on me is going on the Z-whack list. He has done more to coddle the donor than help my child and for that…he deserves a spiked baseball bat to the head lesson on how to not be a sexist pig. If I were pulling the shit the donor has, my ass would have done been put in jail.

Gahhh. I need a punching bag or something, the anger and frustration are just overflowing here.