Archive for Trazadone

Trazadone Hangover Aftermath

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , , on May 7, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Rough night, over 250 mg Trazadone because I ran out of allergy pills and melatonin. Eventually knocked me out, but didn’t keep me down. Least not til the alarm went off and it was a bitch every moment after trying to stay lucid, alert, awake, and steady on my feet. Which was crucial as I had to cart my kid to town for her dental appointment and pick up my xanax, which took 5 extra days due to the benzo nazis and this new inept pharmacy. I’d have been in hellish withdrawal were it not for my sanity saving stash of extras.

Spook attacked the dentist. Again. Poor woman ended up with a novacaine needle stabbing her in the top of the hand. Least it wasn’t full and it was a clean needle. I thought for sure with all my kid’s thrashing and yelling and biting and slapping and kicking at the staff they were going to throw us out. I just prayed to sacred spaghetti pegacorn monsters they could get the fillings in and not shun us.

We came home, Spook was still channeling satan. I thought I was gonna put her in an invisible chokehold out of frustration. Instead she took a nap, which I thought meant yay, now I can give in to this heavy eyed sleepy as hell Trazadone hangover and nap myself. I got ten minutes in before my dad and stepmonster were pounding on the door. They are so obsessed with my lawn it’s insane. He lectured me how my yard looking shitty makes us look trashy and the other neighbors look bad, too. And it’s like, I busted my ass mowing the damn lawn, I picked up leaves, I cleaned toys and organized them out by the swingset, I put up my chimes and string lights and moved the umbrella/table. I thought it looked awesome! And there he is telling me it looks like shit. Really want to slap him with a dead fish right across his redneck bearded face.

So Trazadone is out as a solution for sleep unless I hit desperation point again. The headache and sleepiness and general loopiness lasted 15 hours with no sign of wearing off, I can’t do this shit.

Okay, so as usual, I do have a favor to ask if a kind reader or two could or would help me out. My kid’s school pictures are about to expire and I need $54 to get both fall and spring plus shipping by Friday. I’ve never once missed buying her school pictures in 5 years and it really bothers me. I know it seems silly, but it’s not to me, it’s important to keep track of her growing up. My parents always bought our school pictures even if it was the smallest cheapest package (which is what I have done here.)  I know I am out of line asking when I’ve already seen so much kindness  but I don’t know what else to do. My family’s invested all their money in my nephew’s upcoming wedding. I can’t even get hired at a Podunk gas station. I tried to pawn about 40 DVDs but he said his max offer was eight bucks for all of them so I said forget it. (Forensic Files set alone is worth $50 on ebay, but I don’t have the time it takes to set up a seller page and post it and stuff, this is literally my last chance to get her 4th grade pics.) I am trying.  I even applied to be a counselor at a daycamp over summer even though 40 kids under age 12 would probably break me. I am trying.

So yeah….please help me out if you can. I’m not too proud to beg or barter. You want me to wash my hair in slime and tape it? I can do that. I’m willing to earn the money if you have any ideas on how to do that from my little corner of Armpitopia.


And in case you just wanna pop on over to her fundraiser page and click share or leave her an encouraging comment.




Another Round With Me And Trazzy-D

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , on February 10, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Yesterday’s trip to town was unpleasant but productive, I got stuff done, including finally getting my Trazadone that had been sitting at the pharmacy over a week. These igets at the psych office and insurance company won’t even make an attempt to coordinate so I am left having to get my scripts filled willy nilly at the cost of a 22 mile trip to town and back so it’s about $4.50 in gas, not to mention time and aggravation, oh and then them saying they understand but I still have to be compliant and take my medications as prescribed. Seriously? Here’s a thought: Let me sign up to have them sent in the mail, the only real controlled substance that would be an issue is Xanax, and insurance won’t cover but the bare minimum so no danger of too many pills. But these psych nurses simply don’t give more than 4 weeks of refills at a time even on antidepressants. And those two week refills ’til next appointment’ end up costing me twice because insurance won’t refill until my final two week fill is done, and there’s another $4.50 into town that I can’t afford. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN, THIS PSYCH CENTER HAS ME SO STRESSED OUT OVER SIMPLE SHIT AS WELL AS THE MAJOR STUFF, THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH!

But to the nurse’s credit, some of the miscommunications have been my own inability to comprehend and keep track of the right words so I will have to apologize for that. I won’t, however, apologize for being ticked off about their other ineptitudes, and I think for my own benefit, I will start recording each session on my phone. That way I can reference the conversation to know I truly didn’t get it as opposed to she misspoke but blamed me. And that sounds paranoid and daffy as fuck but gaslighting has become a constant thing because people do use my mental health issues as a reason to absolve their own shitty communcation or behavior. “She’s nuts, who’s gonna believe her anyway? Definitely can make her think it’s her fault.” If so many hadn’t done it to me (and I took to recording conversations those times, too, to prove to myself I wasn’t so nuts) I wouldn’t have such an issue of paranoia.

I digress. We went to 7 different stores yesterday and that is exhausting, but I am to the point where if I don’t stop at multiple places to get the best deal on items, then we’re not gonna have toilet paper, cat food, and also people food. It’s a delicate juggling/balancing act. It helped that the weather wasn’t so awful yesterday, just very very cold. Today I woke to 2 inches of snow and was relieved I got stuff done yesterday. If I were doing the same thing in this weather, I’d probably get everything at one store, blow my budget entirely, then be pissed at myself for short cutting it to avoid, well, stores and people and the elements.

Spook is still at her grandma’s in town, they are supposed to bring her back this afternoon. I gotta say, after six weeks of her being home every single day, I kind of needed a break but..I was a little lost within a couple of hours. You get used to even annoying stuff like hearing “Mom, I’m hungry!” every 15 minutes. Kind of like how used I was to that dog at mom’s house and being there now with Chelsea dead, it seems so quiet and lonely there. That goofy dog and her incessant barking and desperate need to love on people is really missed.

Me and Trazzy D…Last script I had for this stuff was in 2008. Once she came along, I couldn’t deal with 14 hour black out sleeps followed by two hours to wake up and shake off the headache hangover. So for 9 years I’ve basically lived on sleeping in 90 minute spurts and it is exhausting. I broke down and asked if we could try Trazzy-D again. Just starting at 50 mg (pretty minor if you consider my old dose was 400 every night) but daunting enough that I waited til a night my kid wouldn’t be home and I wouldn’t be required to be constantly alert or get up early and function. I took it at 6:45 last night, figuring that would give it time to kick in. I was still awake at 9 p.m. and pissed as hell. My own fault, I guess, trying to do with less pills. I took my usual slow cocktail of melatonin and antihistamines and last I looked it was after 11:30 and I was zonked. I got up only once during the night and got right back to sleep. Then came the alarm at 9:15 a.m. Ugh, bad flashbacks. I had to pee, I was thirsty as hell, the cats were stomping my head in a plea to be fed…and I still didn’t manage to drag ass out of bed til after 11 a.m. I was awake, but not alert, not motivated. HUNGOVER. And these hangovers are much worse than any booze hangover.

What has surprised me, though…I actually feel rested and calm. Whaaat? Of course, I also feel like my limbs way a hundred pounds and someone cracked me over the head with a Z-whacker but…Maybe this Trazadone thing is gonna be a good thing for me. Though I’m gonna have to set the alarm for 3 a.m. to accommodate the inability to come to and jump at it quickly enough to make her schedule. But…it is nice for once to not feel exhausted and…I am not even grinding my teeth today! Woohoo, yes, Virginia, there is Santa and a Sandman.

I feel pretty shitty that I have done nothing around the house. I was supposed to kick ass and take names on all this housework but ya know, 9 years of never sleeping more than 4 hours in a row…I guess I have earned some down time. The Trazadone side effects will lessen in a week or so once my system adjusts and if I don’t go bonkers on the high doses…It could be a good thing. Just gonna let myself breathe today. Though I am a bit embarrassed that my sister is gonna come inside and see how the place has gone to hell. She’s a clean freak and I can just imagine how she will report to mom who will then have a powwow with my dad over how awful it is that Spook has to live this way. (Last I checked, unfolded baskets of clothes weren’t a form of abuse or neglect, they are clean, just…not organizd.) I wish it didn’t bother me. It really used to didn’t but once Spook came along and they started throwing out the ‘they’ll take your kid away if you don’t become a domestic goddess’ (that was my interpretation, not their words, close enough) now even when things are great and caught up…I still don’t want people invading my safe space with their judgments and unfair expectations. If it’s so bad, how come none of them offer to help me out?

Because this family lives to growl and bitch and judge others while doing nothing positive to help. I’ve accepted this as who they are, I just don’t want it near me.

I hope the next week passes quickly and that the Trazadone headaches do fade cos…I ain’t liking the headache hangover thing. If I am gonna feel this way, I want it to be because I went on a bender and had some fun first.

I am grateful for the sleep, though, so very grateful, even if it took over 7 pills to get it done. And mind you, that is because the nurse gives me antihistamines for sleep but because of my allergies, I would require 12 benadryl just to get to yawn territory, let alone sleep. I’ve been on Benadryl since I was 7, ffs. If it don’t help, it’s superfluous, but it does help with my anxious itchiness so I stay on it. Just tried to make it clear to her that it does not help with sleep at all, not that she cares.

Okay, I am done being a ball of sunshine spewing pleasantness now. Maybe I didn’t inherit my family’s penchant for tidiness but they taught me how to bitch, moan, and criticize like a boss.

Oh fuck a clever title, people suck and I have a Trazadone hangover

Posted in anxiety disorders, biolar disorder with tags , , , on February 24, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

Guess what my mood is today?

First let’s cover yesterday which lead to today’s “fuck the world” mood.

My plumbing is fucked up again. Went to do some laundry and next I know, I have nasty water coming up through the kitchen sink and water shooting out the back of my washer. YAY. It was fixed for four whole days. Impressive. NOT.

So after my dad picked up Spook for their weekend outing, I had to dig into a washer full of ice cold water and remove all the clothes into trash bags (btw, wet clothes way a fucking ton) and drag my laundry up to the shop to use R’s machines.

So at that point my mood was circling the drain.

Then R told me Kenny had gone to hook up with his ex gf (the one he rants trapped him into 18 years of child support by getting pregnant)  and I was just like, “Ok, I care because…” Only to be informed all the nice things Kenny has done for me over the months has been HIS EFFORT TO GET INTO MY PANTS.

Are you fucking serious dude?Really? I am all but wearing a goddamn sign that says FUCK OFF AND DIE and you think trying to manipulate me with nice gestures to suit your own agenda is going to fare well for you?

Of course, I was oblivious because hey, all I’ve ever had are guy friends and as one told me, “You’re one of the guys, Niki.” So it just didn’t occur to me someone would disregard this in hopes of me being a raging nympho willing to put out for some fucking smokes. (Yet, it should have because it’s happened before.)

That HURT. I thought the guy was my friend. This is why I don’t have friends. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. People are evil fucking vile creatures.

Rather than be a typical woman and be flattered that a man would want to have sex with me, I am deeply offended because I am in my “I’ve gained 50 pounds of fat as armor to protect my emotions so no one will think I am attractive” phase. Which I go through after any failed relationship. It saddens me to know that not even looking like gothic Jabba the Hut has worked.

I tried to shrug it off. I tried sooo hard. But the mood just continued to descend. By the time they brought Spook home, I was tapped out and thinking bad thoughts. I played with her a bit, put her in jammas, tucked her in, then I took a Trazadone and I was down for the count.

I was due, though, since I hadn’t slept through a night in months. Not that Trazadone got that job done, I woke up at 4:30 but I was too depressed to get up and went back to sleep.

Now my head is hurting (Trazadone hangover) and I am still shaking off the bizarre dreams that are also side effects from Trazadone. I am feeling pretty down and hopeless.

And anxiety is running rampant at the prospect of seeing the sunshine spewer tomorrow.

I just can’t ever get it right. It makes me hate myself. I do not like hating myself. I have done some good in my life too. But it all seems to come back to the fact that I can never just get my shit together and no one wants to believe it’s the mental stuff that knocks me on my ass. It’s all a personality flaw, a character defect.

And thus begins to the self hatred cycle all over.


my life.




Ode to Trazzy D

Posted in biolar disorder, mental illness with tags , , on June 9, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

Trazzy D-the artist also known as Trazadone, has been reintroduced into my life as a sleep med. It’s day two and I am splitting the pills into quarters so it works out to about 12.5 mg. It eases me to sleep within a half hour. Tonight it kept me down for five hours straight. Of course, it is 4 am now, so it didn’t keep me down all night but hey. Improvement is improvement. Plus, the hangover is way lesser than Elavil. God, I hate needing pills just to sleep. Makes me feel like an incompetent for not being able to achieve what comes naturally to everyone else.


Been waiting three days for the stupid pharmacy to get my Abilify in. Seems to me they should know an approximate time for it to be coming in. Instead they keep dicking me around and pissing me off.

El Shrinko wanted to swap the Xanax for klonopin and I nixed it. I think she is finding out just how strong willed I am.

(*** note-if my posts are laden with typos, I am not a moron, my laptop keyboard is pretty much falling to pieces.)

I was sooooo relieved yesterday when my counselor had to cancel out due to an emergency. That’s not right,is it? I just get so little out talking to her. I used to be a therapy junkie back when the counselor actually helped me. This one just has a style that leaves me wanting.

I am hating this whole schizoid thing where I get out of the house and all I can do is obsess on going back home, then I get home and I’m bored and want to go out. I’m such a fucking basketcase, I want to kick my own ass sometimes.

Right now I have a sinus issue that makes it feel like someone bashed me in the nose with a hammer. YAY.

There are days when the rinse, lather, repeat of life makes me feel like I am weighted down with cement blocks. Running the same errands every day for him at the shop. Dropping Spook off, picking her up. It just feels so exhausting. I propel my way through but some days, I want to curl up on the sidewalk and just zonk out then and there.

Oh,well. Pain is just weakness leaving the body and exhaustion is just a reminder you’re not dead yet.