Archive for sound sensitivity

So…Much…Noise

Posted in bipolar depression with tags , , , , on June 18, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

Two posts, one day, what a flood poster I am. Oh, well, venting is needed.

Since my kid smashed the tablet and has continually lied, she’s been grounded. Throw in the head lice, and I am STILL finding nits, which means another treatment and all bedding washed and floors vacuumed…

She never ever stops talking. MOM MOM MOMMY MUM MUM MORGUE MOM MOM MUM MUM. She’s a non cartoon version of Family Guy’s Stewie. And much as I love her and hard as I try…I can’t change who I am, who I was before she was born.

Too much noise, especially incessant noise, is a trigger. It sets off the worst of my anxiety and panic, it upsets my equilibrium, and I get headaches and my patience is nil. It would be better if the child would ever listen to me and mind. I’ve explained my noise sensitivity over and over, explained that mom asking for ten or twenty minutes of peace and quiet is not neglect or abuse…She just doesn’t get it. Unless it’s someone else bugging her while she is watching a show or playing with friends, then it’s a national tragedy.

It’s not been a month yet school has been out and even without her revolving door of friends…I feel like my brain is climbing out of my skull, desperate to flee the scene of all the noise. Mind you, it’s not exclusive to her. I have this issue with traffic, crowded stores, even cookouts with more than 5 people present. Noise just lands me face down in the anxiety gutter. I’ve tried to explain it to her, to my family, to friends…No one gets it. And I’ve read enough of others’ blogs to know that I am not alone in my noise sensitivity. It’s hellish to not be able to handle standard issue white noise life delivers. The McMuggles think I am a wimp, putting on an act, being a crybaby.

Oddly, these are the same people with their own triggers. For R it’s heights and he avoids them but for whatever reason, that’s okay. My sister is scared of storms and hordes up in the basement with her cats every time there’s thunder or lightning. My stepmonster hates snakes and fears them. My kid has a phobia of being alone and not having friends, it scares her. WE ALL HAVE OUR ISSUES.

My question is….WHY IS IT OKAY FOR THEM TO CLING TO THEIR ISSUES/PHOBIAS WHICH REALLY DON’T AFFECT THEM LIVING A NORMAL LIFE…Yet I have physical reactions to my triggers but I am supposed to suck it up, snap out of it, get over it, grow up. ???WTF is that?

So, yeah, her never ending chatter and refusal to even give me ten minutes’ peace has me on edge. I think it’s legitimate and well explained. Though 9 more weeks of it is daunting. Still, after the tablet smash and all the lies (she kept lying to me today about stupid shit)…I am sticking to her grounding even if it punishes me as much as it attempts to discipline her. Her added lies earned her 2 more days grounding and if she keeps it up…it will keep adding up. She claims to be “scared” to tell the truth. I haven’t so much as swatted her butt in a year. I may raise my voice after telling her to do/not do something multiple times and being ignored…I may ground her from her bike or friends…But I am not abusive. She is manipulative. And it stems from the way my stepmonster basically yells at her but no amount of trying to reason with that woman works. So I end up looking like the monster. Yay.

Dad asked Spook today if she wants to come stay 4 days with them in July for their church’s summer camp and the minute he said ‘you can play with other kids’ she was all about it. Which has to make you wonder just how scared she is of her step grandma if she wants to spend 4 days there with them. My kid is a conundrum. Then, aren’t we all.

Aside from the rampaging nerve ending devouring anxiety due to too much noise…My mood held up pretty well today. I spent hours texting my sister. Of course, since I am normally introverted and don’t text, no doubt her and mom will think I am drunk. Dumbasses can’t grasp bipolar to save their lives. Some days…most days…I am stuck inside my own head thanks to the depression. Occasionally I have a good day where I kind of want to talk to others, even if by text. Nature of the bipolar beast.

Okay, that’s all she wrote. Feel free to leave feedback in the comments, let me know how excessive or loud noise impacts your life and mental health. I know I’m not alone, but occasionally, it’s nice to have it confirmed. And even if noise isn’t your trigger…feel free to chime in, too.

Love hearing from anyone who cares enough to comment. No, it’s not ego or being a ‘like button’ whore. I just like knowing my writing resonates. If it didn’t, during my black depressions, I’d probably kill this blog and delete it. It’s YOU guys who keep me writing when you let me know my writing has struck a chord.

Two sporks of fortitude for anyone who read this entire post. I do babble but it comes from a good place..Ok, nothing good about depression or anxiety but it comes from a genuine place. Being real and telling the truth about myself are all I have to offer.

That and wicked sarcasm.

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Bundle of grrrrrr

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , , , on September 9, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

My kid is playing with plastic toys and babbling.

Every tiny sound resonates in my head like a marching band.

My ears feel like they are bleeding, as if every sound is a bbq skewer being jabbed into my ear.

It is bright and sunny out.

Which is making my head feel like someone is sticking shards of glass into my brain.

GRRRRRR.

I hate anxiety. I hate feeling on the edge of panic 24-7.

Why can’t I work past it, get over it? I am told if I were a stronger person with a stronger character, then I would be able to tackle and obliterate the anxiety.

Of course, that was on some early morning infomercial hocking some cd/book system for controlling anxiety.

Crock

of

shit.

My mood isn’t that bad. I really don’t want to do cartwheels but I’m  not down in the dumps,either.

But I am a bundle of jumpy nerves and I have NO reason why.

Makes me wanna scream GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR at the top of my lungs.

Put a dimmer switch on the sun, give me a volume button to control ambient noise, and gimme a xanax the size of a hubcap I can just lick like a salt wheel and I will be fine.

Ya know I really thought by age 40 I’d have outgrown or worked thru the panic stuff.

Proves the adage “if you think, you stink.”