Archive for sleep disorders

Another Round With Me And Trazzy-D

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , on February 10, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Yesterday’s trip to town was unpleasant but productive, I got stuff done, including finally getting my Trazadone that had been sitting at the pharmacy over a week. These igets at the psych office and insurance company won’t even make an attempt to coordinate so I am left having to get my scripts filled willy nilly at the cost of a 22 mile trip to town and back so it’s about $4.50 in gas, not to mention time and aggravation, oh and then them saying they understand but I still have to be compliant and take my medications as prescribed. Seriously? Here’s a thought: Let me sign up to have them sent in the mail, the only real controlled substance that would be an issue is Xanax, and insurance won’t cover but the bare minimum so no danger of too many pills. But these psych nurses simply don’t give more than 4 weeks of refills at a time even on antidepressants. And those two week refills ’til next appointment’ end up costing me twice because insurance won’t refill until my final two week fill is done, and there’s another $4.50 into town that I can’t afford. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN, THIS PSYCH CENTER HAS ME SO STRESSED OUT OVER SIMPLE SHIT AS WELL AS THE MAJOR STUFF, THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH!

But to the nurse’s credit, some of the miscommunications have been my own inability to comprehend and keep track of the right words so I will have to apologize for that. I won’t, however, apologize for being ticked off about their other ineptitudes, and I think for my own benefit, I will start recording each session on my phone. That way I can reference the conversation to know I truly didn’t get it as opposed to she misspoke but blamed me. And that sounds paranoid and daffy as fuck but gaslighting has become a constant thing because people do use my mental health issues as a reason to absolve their own shitty communcation or behavior. “She’s nuts, who’s gonna believe her anyway? Definitely can make her think it’s her fault.” If so many hadn’t done it to me (and I took to recording conversations those times, too, to prove to myself I wasn’t so nuts) I wouldn’t have such an issue of paranoia.

I digress. We went to 7 different stores yesterday and that is exhausting, but I am to the point where if I don’t stop at multiple places to get the best deal on items, then we’re not gonna have toilet paper, cat food, and also people food. It’s a delicate juggling/balancing act. It helped that the weather wasn’t so awful yesterday, just very very cold. Today I woke to 2 inches of snow and was relieved I got stuff done yesterday. If I were doing the same thing in this weather, I’d probably get everything at one store, blow my budget entirely, then be pissed at myself for short cutting it to avoid, well, stores and people and the elements.

Spook is still at her grandma’s in town, they are supposed to bring her back this afternoon. I gotta say, after six weeks of her being home every single day, I kind of needed a break but..I was a little lost within a couple of hours. You get used to even annoying stuff like hearing “Mom, I’m hungry!” every 15 minutes. Kind of like how used I was to that dog at mom’s house and being there now with Chelsea dead, it seems so quiet and lonely there. That goofy dog and her incessant barking and desperate need to love on people is really missed.

Me and Trazzy D…Last script I had for this stuff was in 2008. Once she came along, I couldn’t deal with 14 hour black out sleeps followed by two hours to wake up and shake off the headache hangover. So for 9 years I’ve basically lived on sleeping in 90 minute spurts and it is exhausting. I broke down and asked if we could try Trazzy-D again. Just starting at 50 mg (pretty minor if you consider my old dose was 400 every night) but daunting enough that I waited til a night my kid wouldn’t be home and I wouldn’t be required to be constantly alert or get up early and function. I took it at 6:45 last night, figuring that would give it time to kick in. I was still awake at 9 p.m. and pissed as hell. My own fault, I guess, trying to do with less pills. I took my usual slow cocktail of melatonin and antihistamines and last I looked it was after 11:30 and I was zonked. I got up only once during the night and got right back to sleep. Then came the alarm at 9:15 a.m. Ugh, bad flashbacks. I had to pee, I was thirsty as hell, the cats were stomping my head in a plea to be fed…and I still didn’t manage to drag ass out of bed til after 11 a.m. I was awake, but not alert, not motivated. HUNGOVER. And these hangovers are much worse than any booze hangover.

What has surprised me, though…I actually feel rested and calm. Whaaat? Of course, I also feel like my limbs way a hundred pounds and someone cracked me over the head with a Z-whacker but…Maybe this Trazadone thing is gonna be a good thing for me. Though I’m gonna have to set the alarm for 3 a.m. to accommodate the inability to come to and jump at it quickly enough to make her schedule. But…it is nice for once to not feel exhausted and…I am not even grinding my teeth today! Woohoo, yes, Virginia, there is Santa and a Sandman.

I feel pretty shitty that I have done nothing around the house. I was supposed to kick ass and take names on all this housework but ya know, 9 years of never sleeping more than 4 hours in a row…I guess I have earned some down time. The Trazadone side effects will lessen in a week or so once my system adjusts and if I don’t go bonkers on the high doses…It could be a good thing. Just gonna let myself breathe today. Though I am a bit embarrassed that my sister is gonna come inside and see how the place has gone to hell. She’s a clean freak and I can just imagine how she will report to mom who will then have a powwow with my dad over how awful it is that Spook has to live this way. (Last I checked, unfolded baskets of clothes weren’t a form of abuse or neglect, they are clean, just…not organizd.) I wish it didn’t bother me. It really used to didn’t but once Spook came along and they started throwing out the ‘they’ll take your kid away if you don’t become a domestic goddess’ (that was my interpretation, not their words, close enough) now even when things are great and caught up…I still don’t want people invading my safe space with their judgments and unfair expectations. If it’s so bad, how come none of them offer to help me out?

Because this family lives to growl and bitch and judge others while doing nothing positive to help. I’ve accepted this as who they are, I just don’t want it near me.

I hope the next week passes quickly and that the Trazadone headaches do fade cos…I ain’t liking the headache hangover thing. If I am gonna feel this way, I want it to be because I went on a bender and had some fun first.

I am grateful for the sleep, though, so very grateful, even if it took over 7 pills to get it done. And mind you, that is because the nurse gives me antihistamines for sleep but because of my allergies, I would require 12 benadryl just to get to yawn territory, let alone sleep. I’ve been on Benadryl since I was 7, ffs. If it don’t help, it’s superfluous, but it does help with my anxious itchiness so I stay on it. Just tried to make it clear to her that it does not help with sleep at all, not that she cares.

Okay, I am done being a ball of sunshine spewing pleasantness now. Maybe I didn’t inherit my family’s penchant for tidiness but they taught me how to bitch, moan, and criticize like a boss.


Broken Cycle

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , on January 26, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

In a dark place mentally and not sure why. Nothing catastrophic happened, though the laundry list of problems and stressors that simply are weighs heavy on my mind…I can’t find comfort in TV shows as a distraction. I look at the housework that has snowballed and I just don’t know where to begin. Also battling cramps and those ‘burning fever’ hormonal thoughts. Right now, I am in such a bad space, I don’t think I’d choose to turn down alcohol if it were offered. Rather than feel ashamed or disgusted with myself, I view it the way it is. Things have to get pretty bad for me to go *there* and right now, I’m hitting the anxiety/depression/hormonal misery trifecta. Of course, booze solves nothing. You know what it does do, though? It dulls the screaming nerve endings that send panic through your entire body for zero logical reason. It (in moderation) calms you enough to think more clearly (ironic, yes) and breathe more deeply. Sometimes it even, temporarily, takes you to a different, better mental space. It also dulls the agony of backache and crampapalooza. But alas, I burned my bridge the other day by turning free drinks down but at that time, I wasn’t in this mental space. I have no funds to buy my own so…I just look forward to bed, except, oh, about out of melatonin so sleep may not even happen…

Sleep has become its own hell. I was awake so many times during the night I was getting pissed off. Then at 5 a.m. my brain decided it wanted to be awake but toward sunrise when my kid would be getting up, then it decided it was drowsy and I went back to sleep. I am so sick of the broken sleep cycle. I am sick of doing things ‘right’ but never getting ‘right’ results. I am dreading my appointment with the psych nurse, to the point I am having panic inducing dreams about being there and trying to speak to her only to literally be dismissed by deaf ears. Man, your psych care shouldn’t be one of the things that cause you so much depression and anxiety, ever! But it does. She really failed by not even having a secretary call me back and say, “We can’t adjust your medication right now, are you going to be okay> THAT is pretty much all that was needed, though it would have been nice if newbie had given enough of a damn to say, “I’ll authorize extra doses of your antihistamine to take the edge off the Prozac withdrawal.” No doubt these psych nurses all consider this sort of thing to be ‘hand holding’ and we’re intended to only ask that from the counselors.

Except the counselors can’t do a damn thing about our meds and no one is comparing notes in a way that might benefit me better because none of them seem to think physical,mental, hormonal, and emotional health are connected. The shrinks know better but these practitioners are clueless. Which makes me feel pretty hopeless and yeah, angry.

But I’m not having a tantrum, I am TRYING, against every possible mark against my own mental well being, to be logical and civilized when frankly, I should be allowed some unbrage. This is unacceptable psychiatric care. And the prospect of one more person telling me “you don’t have withdrawal from Prozac if you start another antidepressant immediately’ makes me feel pretty Z-Whacky. I LIVE it, and have lived it, repeatedly. And this cold turkey thing seems to come from the nurse practitioner staff exclusively, because the doctors used to taper me for at least three days so it wouldn’t be as drastic. How these women got master’s degrees when they obviously know so little in practice is beyond me.

Yeah, the hormonal anger surgers are really kicking my ass here. Competing with the ‘just wanna sleep’ depression and the ‘not sleeping well’ anxiety.

Believe me, this mental breakdown is one cycle I’d love to see broken in a dozen shards, the shards doused in gasoline, then set on fire, then an exorcism performed over the ashes and concete poured over them. Living this way is awful. I feel time slipping away from me, I am losing my daughter’s childhood, and my chance to further bond with her before she becomes a mean teen and I have very lackluster care for all that ails me. I’d had high hopes for this new nurse since she wasn’t from this area and would have maybe new ideas or experiences that could help. But if she’s not even permitted to determine what Xanax/benzo dose is best for her patients, well, she’s really not gonna help much because she doesn’t have the power.

I look forward to these hormonal surges dying down, I feel like I am burning up inside with this impotent rage and anger. I can’t find a cogent manner to proceed that might change the situation positively because all I wanna do is yell at everyone who has contributed to making me feel this rage-monstery.

Anyone have any advice on how to address this problem with the nurse practitioner in a constructive manner? I got nothing but a yen to use a Z-whacker to play whack-a-mole with a bunch of people who are making my life more difficult. Somehow, becoming violent when I never really have been doesn’t seem a productive direction to go with this so…anyone?