Archive for single parenting

Please Show A Single Mom Some Love

Posted in anxiety disorders, Children and Kids, fundraiser, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 8, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

lifetouch

Going into month ten without the donor paying a cent in support, so he’s now $5000 behind. I’ve been trying to seek work for months to no avail because the only positions open here are ones I am automatically disqualified for due to a bad choice in my past. But I am still trying, still filling out applications and making calls and TRYING. But the notion that this will be the first year since pre-K that I couldn’t get Spook’s school pics is really making me upset. I managed it even when the donor hadn’t been ordered to pay support yet but that was because where we lived in town was so much cheaper than where we were forced to move when they sold it out from under us.

I am tired of asking for help, I know everyone is tired of hearing me ask. But this is my last chance to get her 4th grade pics so I am willing to swallow some pride and risk some annoyance and rejection. Like I said, my family has invested all their money in my nephew’s wedding May 18th, the pawn shop won’t give a hundred bucks for everything we own…So yeah. PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN OR JUST PASS THIS POST ON IN CASE SOMEONE OUT THERE COULD HELP AND UNDERSTANDS HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO HAVE MEMORY PHOTOS OF YOUR KID AS THEY ARE GROWING UP.

paypal.me/MorgueAndSpook

We’d be so very grateful.

spook and me tree

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Depression, Anxiety, And Poverty Should Be Considered A Viral Epidemic

Posted in employment with tags , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Happy Sunday.

We woke to blowing snow and 32 degrees on April 14th. I shut the heat off as it was in the 60’s yesterday. My kid was unamused to wake up with icicles on her toes.

Today is Doomsday. Not looking forward to a 20 mile drive into town and if the donor is a now show, then I’ve wasted what little gas money I have and will have a despondent child on my hands. If he does show up, it will take every bit of me fighting my own nature to call people for being blatant phonies and liars.

I’d like to say thanks to the people who have helped us a little toward our fundraising goal to keep our power/heat turned on. You guys know who you are and how much it means to me and Spook.

Direct donation or gift through paypal here.

If you want the sordid story and a heartfelt video, that is here on gofundme.

I bathed this morning for the first time in 9 days. I may be a worn down depressive busk and basketcase but I’m not giving the donor the satisfaction of seeing me that way. He’d take credit for ‘destroying’ me when fact is, the depression and anxiety have been plundering me for so long, and with the money problems of him not paying support, and Spook being such a volatile kid…That is what has worn me down this far. Not him. My psyche isn’t so weak as to be deterred by romantic rejection. Been there, done that, keep buying the t-shirt every few years then burning it.

I need to jet by mom’s before our meeting today, she has some black dress flat shoes I can use for my job interview tomorrow. I only own tennis shoes and combat style heavy metal rocker chick boots, so…thank god me, mom, and my sister all have the exact same large ass foot size.

Pretty nervous about the interview tomorrow but the lady told me there could be an issue with my past even if it was over 15 years ago but she’d like to talk to me anyway. If I go in expecting little, I won’t be disappointed to be told ‘thanks but no thanks.’

I’m getting pretty disgusted with the flaming hoops involved in just applying to flip burgers or serve subs. Personality tests, audio clips to grade the customer/employer interaction, video clips in which you get 5 seconds to reply to a hypothetical situation coherently…Starting to feel like you gotta be a brain surgeon to be ‘sandwich artist’ material.

Fonal thoughts…

Yesterday there was a brief moment in which I felt sort of happy with our lives. I get left to my own devices, she has some friends, I get along with parents in a civilized way, we have a home, a car, she has a swingset and a bike and scooter and we have our cats…It’s not always bad. It’s just scary when you think how close you are to losing it.

Finally…Just want to say to EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO READS ANY OF MY BLOGS AND CLICKS THE LIKE BUTTON OR TRIES TO COMMENT AND INTERACT WITH ME…
Thank you, thank you, thank you. If I could make my gratitude go viral and infectious, I would.

I have met some amazing kind and generous friends through wordpress and I love you all for being my support system, my friends, and sometimes, even my ‘panic button’ to text when I start crumbling. You guys are pretty amazing and I may not always feel I deserve it, but I sure as hell appreciate it.

There’s the family you’re born with and anyone who reads my blog knows mine is not supportive or very helpful.

You guys here on wordpress are the family I have chosen because you are supportive and helpful and you seem able to cut through the layers of gruff self protection I’ve encased myself in…and you see the troubled but basically decent person inside and you accept and appreciate me for it.

You will never in a million years know how much this means to me and I thank you and send you all the love in the world.

Do Or Die Time-Please Repost, Share, and Help Any Way You can

Posted in depression, employment, health with tags , , , , , , , on April 13, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

job search screen shot

So I started a fundraiser, in addition to setting up paypal
to take donations.

I am also going to put in some photos to show my monthly income, how many months we have been without any child support payments, and proof that I AM looking for work.

We need to be shown some love, guys.

Please please please…This is to keep the power turned on, it’s very important. Plus legal fees, the cost of a new psych doc, and to afford the newer treatments insurance won’t cover…THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Happy Caturday and bless you all.

Why Some Have Fundraisers? Because you can’t put a gun to someone’s head to hire you!

Posted in depression, fundraiser with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about all the scammers out there ripping people off and it turned my stomach. But that was going on long before there ever was an internet,sadly. It is a vile aspect of human nature that many have no conscience and will take the last dime from an elderly woman or a morsel of cookie from the mouth of a toddler. Because of assholes like that, the people like me and Spook who are only asking for help because the law favors deadbeats who don’t pay their court ordered child support, are the ones who get ignored and left to lose what little we have and go hungry.

It’s not a sob story. It’s our life. And while I get people’s reticence to donate because it ‘could be’ some elaborate scheme…I really wish I could give you all a look into our living situation. We live in a house so old, it has skeleton keyholes on the door lock and one electric out in the living room and bedrooms. The carpet is comprised of cheap remnant squares so when I vacuum I end up having to put them back into place. We have a bathtub with a sink faucet so we can’t even attach a shower sprayer. We drive a 2001 car that cost $450 at an auction my dad got it from. This laptop I am writing on this moment? It was a freebie someone left behind at the shop when I was being R’s marionette and my nephew got it working for me. Both of our LCD tvs? Bought used for $110 total a couple years back.

And don’t get me wrong, we are happy to have as much as we do cos it’s more than many have, but it kind of says that we’re not lap of luxury scammer types. I have no intention of letting the donor get out of paying support but the law is on his side in how much time he has to find a job, how long before he has to start paying, and with holidays and winter heat bills coming…I’m terrified. The only thing I have been able to take pride in is that since he walked out 7 years ago, I’ve kept a roof over my kid’s head and the power on. And I did it mostly without ever having to have a fundraiser unless it was unexpected thing like car breakdown, cat illness, or bug infestation.

When we were forced to move, though, we picked up expenses we didn’t have in the trailer park. Water and sewer and trash, which sucks up what little cushion I had without child support. Not to mention gas because now it’s a 20 miles trip to town and back for appointments and grocieres. I purposely stayed in that nasty trailer park where the furnace was broken more than it worked because I knew if the donor ditched out on paying, I could manage the monthly bills, just barely. This move was not our idea, and a raise in expenses was not what we wanted. Originally the place we found was $50 less in rent so I’d have been able to swing it. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until moving day that we learned the elderly landlord had already rented that place to someone else cos he forgot he rented it to us and we got stuck with, yes a bigger place and house, no less, but higher rent and expenses. Believe me, this was not what I wanted, it was just necessity.

Since the move, I have tried to offer up my services as a babysitter, dogwalker, someone to clean house or run errands. I tried the rural gas stations. The only reason I could get pet supplies is that my stepmom and my dad let me do some dishes and fill out mileage reports for extra cash but when harvest ends, they won’t have the excess income to do that so it’s not a lock. I even tried submitting for a writing position in a local freebie rag and was rejected. We had a yard sale and made less than $8.

The fact is, YOU CANNOT PUT A GUN TO AN EMPLOYER’S HEAD AND SAY, ‘I WANT TO WORK, HIRE ME NOW!’

That has always been the infuriating thing for me, especially in a rural area where jobs are scarce. If there are 2 positions open and 300 people apply…it’s a safe bet the disabled person with an unstable work history is not going to be in demand. And since we moved to Armpit, the fact is, this is a closeknit country community and Spook and I are outsiders. I think you have to be a natural born redneck and live here ten years before they start viewing you as anything else. And because of my anxiety and mood issues, any work I do first will need the doctor to sign off so I need something off the books cos ain’t no way the doctors-any of them- will guarantee my stability since I’ve had such a bad year with medication and stuff.

So, oh wise ‘get a job’ people…Please do tell me the magic secret.

Or…be a decent human being and just visit the campaign, read our story, click the share button. Donate $5. Don’t want to do cash? Drop me a message and ask what we need, you can have it sent to directly to us unless of course, you think cat food and toilet paper and dish soap are items that make us scammers.

I have nothing to offer right now but words and the fact this blog has been here 7 years and the story never changes because the truth never changes.

On second thought…how about pics of our adorable kittens if for no other reason than the cuteness makes you go awwwwwww. Kitten pics are a popular thing, right?


That is Spook with Pandora.


Spook with Enderman (she named it, some Minecraft thing.)


This is Heathen.


And this is Lacuna.

We took in the mama cat, Tabbytha, after her owner left her outdoors in 95 degree heat for over a week without food or water. My sister rescued pregnant Tabby and tried to place her elsewhere but even the no kill shelter was full. I didn’t have the heart to let her go to the pound so Spook and I took her in and 3 days later she had those adorable babes.

Taking in pregnant cats doesn’t sound like something a heartless scammer would do, does it?

Oh, damn. I just realized- I was in a psych ward so by state law I can never legally own a gun therefore…I can’t hold a gun to an employer’s head.

C’mon, guys. I am TRYING.

Everything I do is for my kid and cats.

I’m batty for them.

Off Kilter And The Bad Thoughts Are Knocking At The Door

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , on July 21, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

As mentioned in my previous post, due to my own inadvertent screw up, I am facing another financial set back, not to mention the entire family turning against me and even dragging my daughter into it. (Seriously, this was an adult problem between me and my sister, and she dragged even my 8 year old into it, as if I wasn’t feeling shitty enough, now my kid is going to judge me. For an honest albeit stupid mistake.) I spent last night alternating between tears of self loathing and doom and nervous throwing up. It’s bad enough when you fuck up and it creates a rift between you and another person, but now the entire family knows and I am in the hot seat. I will remain there even if I by some miracle manage to juggle some expenses and correct my fuck up. It’s like a family lynch mob with me as the lynch-ee. Maybe I deserve it. Though I fail to see why my sister had to drag everyone, including my kid into it.

Today I am on edge, unfocused, freaking out, my stomach is churning. I want my kid home but either way if they bring her home or I go fetch her, I will be facing down my lynch mob. God, I want a normal family where things aren’t used as fodder to start wars within amongst us all. And dear god, if feeling like crap had a monetarily value, I could pay off bills for the entire family. It’s gotten so bad, the Bad Thoughts are lurking in the shadows, knocking on the door. Reminding me that hey, I gave it my best shot but obviously I am never going to get everything right so why bother sticking around.’

I have to reject this. I have to toughen up, deal with my mistake and the fall out, but my prior trust issues inasmuch as my sister handling it between just the two of us are metastasized. Good people don’t drag an 8 year old into adult matters this way. And my family has always done the two face back stabbery since I was a kid so this isn’t new, I just had hope as we got older, that fucked up dynamic might change. It hasn;t and once I correct my mistake…I think it’s time to go back to my minimal contact with them policy. Because even without this fuck up, I am always on some shit list they have and I am fed up. Fighting depression and anxiety are hard enough with the people who ‘love’ me making it even worse.

I am willing to sacrifice, scrimp, cut corners, even let the internet get turned off (though it’s year long contract so I’d still owe them)…I used to dodge my responsibilities and mistakes back during the manic days but I have busted my ass and my brain becoming a better person. I thought I was getting there. I was apparently wrong but I can’t let myself give up and I cannot give power to the Bad Thoughts.

While I am willing to sacrifice and scrimp…

I am praying for a few kind people to donate to Spook’s fundraiser She deserves a birthday and the necessary stuff for the start of school. So if you have a heart at all, help Spook. I’ll try to clean up my mess and keep current on the bills, but…she shouldn’t be punished cos her mom doesn’t always get it right.

Even if you can’t donate…just a share shows you care. Spook is just a little girl about to turn 9 and enter 4th grade. Her getting some clothes, supplies, and even a half decent birthday is every bit as worthy a cause as donating to some soulless political candidate or a campaign to ban plastic straws. Show her there are some decent people out there.

I am trying to be a decent person but falling a bit short. I won’t ever stop trying, though. That little girl is the light of my life and even if my family and the rest of the world deems me to be an evil spawn of satan…All that matters is that my kid keeps seeing me as ‘a good mom.” Just need a little help right now.

It All Just Sucks

Posted in anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, depression with tags , , , , , , on July 14, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Honestly this is not some boo hoo woe-is-me post, I just couldn’t come up with a better title at the moment. I was too lazy to eat when I woke up so I thought, I’ll do the mood stabilizers later after I do eat but what can it hurt to take the Cymbalta now while I am thinking about it…Well, the hurt is in my gut which is now burning like a mofo, something that was never a side effect when I took the same in the past but now suddenly it is a random thing. As if my burning stress stomach aches and lowering myself to take Pepcid isn’t enough, then playing the “will the pills make me puke or not today’ lottery…Just what I bloody needed. GRRR.

You can spew all your sunshine and wave your pompoms in my face and tell me what works well for you and it’s all about a positive attitude but you know what? It doesn’t change the fact that MEDICATION SIDE EFFECTS EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE JUST PLAIN SUCKS.

In a surprise twist the other day after being assaulted by some well meaning but ’caused traumatic flashbacks’ pompom waving…I felt like a loser for a couple of hours and then I realized no one has my permission to make me feel inferior no matter my failings and hey, that includes ME. I was busy beating up on myself because I’ve not found my magic cocktail of unicorn farts, medication, and meditating on clouds made of cotton candy I forgot the most important things of all: we are all different. And I really need to get the stick out of my ass because I suck at being given advice, I take it way too personally and in doing so, I close my mind to some positives I could take away from it. I totes want my uicorn fart magical cocktail but until that happens…I’m gonna keep doing me.

And I surprised me because after the loserpalooza mental state kicked my ass long enough, I started moving around the house. Not because I wanted to but because I was pissed off, because I was sick of beating myself up, because damn it, I am fighting as hard as I can and the pegacorns aren’t barfing rainbows on me so I may as well do something. I folded 7 baskets of laundry and attempted to find a place for it all thus making the middle room look less biohazard-y. (It is very challenging to store things when YOUR IDIOTIC HOUSE HAS NO CLOSETS,FFS, whoever designed this place was a fucking moron.) I cleaned cat boxes, tried to clean floors (epic fail without a working vacuum and fans blowing dust everywhere you just swept or dusted, grrrrr.) The humidity that day was so high I had sweat running down my back, indoors, with the AC. 93 outside, 89 inside, what a joyous life. But I got shit done and it felt good. Hypomania always does, though I sure do miss my full blown mania and oh those delicious but lethal diet pills that kept me looking pretty and so energized I could run 56 hours straight but that’s a story for another (never) time.

I zonked around midnight, only to be wakened three times by the rioting cats who don’t do diurnal…I had a nightmare I jolted from at 4a.m. and could not get back to sleep. So I tried boring myself to it by watching, oh dear god, Martha Stewart glazing a ham. (The horror!) Fail. By 6 a.m. I was doing dishes, counting time til I had to take my kid to my mom’s for her sleepover and outing. Which meant by the time I got my ‘me day’ I spent most of it sleeping because I hit the hypomania wall and when I did wake up, I was up til after 2 a.m. and too tired to do anything I had planned because when planning it, I had assumed I’d be well rested instead of my cycles all fucked up.

Today I am edgy and grumpy. My kid is off to St. Louis with her cousin and his girlfriend for her first ever trip to the zoo. And selfishly, I feel pissed off about it. I want her to be happy, but I feel pissed off that my nephew doesn’t work, doesn’t pay a single bill, his girlfriend just had to resign from her job before they fired her, and still they have all this money to drive so far away and go to the zoo and feed my kid (after they took her out of town shopping last night!) and it’s just not fucking fair that I do all the sacrifice and hard work and I can’t even be included in the fun stuff she gets to do. Me, me, me, I know, but is it so wrong for a parent to want to be with their kid doing the fun stuff? It should be a memory for mom and daughter but no, I’ve got every cent tied up keeping a roof overhead so…

So I am feeling left out and petty and at this point…I’d just be happy if I could afford a damn pizza from Marco’s. Everyone takes Spook out to eat, to swim, to shop, and I am always stuck home, can’t even spring for a damn McDouble. Boo hoo, right? Well, newsflash:parents are people,too, and while we are willing to sacrifice whatever is necessary for our kids to be happy…

Some of us selfish bastards would still like $13 to get a damn delicious pizza.

But knowing my mental state and how the meds are wrecking my body daily..I am glad she has others who financially able to give her what I can’t. Honestly, some of my fondest memories of childhood aren’t of amusement parks or zoos, they’re just the mundane daily things, like playing with a dog, or running through a sprinkler and having ice cream after. Of course, I’m not vapid and my kid kind of is, so her memories will involve everyone but me cos they all have money to do the fun stuff. I won’t begrudge her that. I’d probably have a mental breakdown if I was even sitting in a car in St. Louis traffic (sure would love to see the snakes though, such beautiful creatures.) I still think it’s bullshit that my cousin and his girlfriend don’t have to pay for food or a single expense by living off my mom and my sister. But then isn’t that how everyone views me, living off disability…Difference being, my money isn’t going toward happy fun ball stuff. I prioritize and my kid comes first so if her having food means no trip to the zoo and I’m a downer…so be it.

Really makes me think of everything my parents sacrificed for me and my sister when we were kids. How little they got out of life other than working to pay bills and keep us clothed and fed. Not to mention they hated each other and stayed together for our sake (not a favor) so that had to suck a lot, too. At least I am not stuck with an albatross in my home thus ours is a happier home than what I grew up in.

I still want my Marco’s pizza, though. If I can’t have pegacorn barf and unicorn farts…I just want a damned pizza. I’m shallow and demanding like that.