Archive for single parenting

Ass Trashery

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

‘Ass Trash’ is a term coined by Becca many many years ago to reference stuff that sucks or people who are, well, assholes. Ash trashery is the act of everything being ass trash.

I retired to Fort Blankie last night around 7 p.m., waiting for melatonin, benadryl, and one 15mg Restoril to do its job and put me to sleep. Which it did after a bit of time. THEN I kept waking up. 8:10. 9:30. 10:20. 11:30. 12:15. 1:25 every bloody hour on the hour. Lots of bad dreams. I woke with my monthly PMS on steroids (sorry if talk of my hormonal issues make male readers squeamish but it plays a huge role in my mental health.) Cramps, backache, and combined with the Restoril hangover, it was all I could do to stumble awake long enough to make sure my kid was awake and getting dressed. Then I returned to Fort Blankie and continued to nap and wake cycle til 11 a.m. at which point I fought with everything I had to force myself out of bed and into consciousness. I am in pain despite taking Tylenol and my giddy up and go has a dead horse at the helm so I am giddying up and going nowhere today.

I did dive into my email and blog and community notifications. I am devoted to my writing and participating in the community, even when my mental state is ass trash. I answered all the chat room questions, posted my meet link to Becca’s blog, and read up on how to improve my writing and it would only cost $497 for a month. I shall remain a mediocre writer.

I need to make an apology to anyone who felt my multiple posts yesterday who found it flood posting or spamming. I was trying to schedule posts to be spread out and um…I don’t get along well with military time so rather than schedule properly, some of them published instantly and I am sorry for that influx. Though the a couple of posts that got no real exposure since I’ve been playing around with categories and tags, I sure would appreciate if you’d go back and take a read if you missed them or skipped them. When my creativity flows on hyperdrive, I get real needy, wanting to share it and be at least able to give someone a giggle or a ‘wtf??” So expect more Babylon Files and some Beautifully Random links and pondering on here.

Once again, I cannot get warm,big shocker. I have on two thick pairs of socks and still can’t feel my toes. I cannot believe winter in the US based on the calendar length is only 89 days. It feels like 89 years.

Okay, so that is all my foggy brain has for now.

It would feed the pegacorn’s soul if a few people wandered over to check out the community. We cannot grow if people do not show up to participate.

The Motherlode Of Problems

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

My daughter made a new male friend here in town, close to her age. He has some learning/developmental delays and does not have many friends. He isn’t entirely unpleasant. He is, however, spoiled rotten on a materialistic level, fussy, and demanding. Qualities that are a trigger for me. I let her go play at his house last night since his mom was nice enough to drop by and ask her over. When they returned her, however, there was talk of his birthday party-the same weekend we have planned Spook’s party. Then he really crossed a line with me and said, “What are you getting me? Is it electronics? Video games? It better not be books or something cheap.” And his mom just stood there, not saying a word, not even looking horrified. Spook tried to explain that we don’t have much money but for a kid with 3 ipads, a $100 Minecraft Fathead wall mural, a 50 inch TV, every gaming system, et al…Our money problems mean nothing to him. And I noted when Spook said her birthday was right around that time, he didn’t offer her any fancy gifts. And again, this seemingly relaxed nice well off mom just stood there, allowing him to be so demanding, rude, and disrespectful.

I am triggered. I spent 2 hours seething last night because I can’t compete with this family’s financial means. Nor will I compete with their materialistic ‘buy the kid all the stuff’ mentality. He got an Alexa, now my kid wants one. I am not keen on artificial intelligence invading my network, it’s too easily hacked, it stores too much personal info on the user, and she’s just not mature enough for this device. I pondered one for myself until I saw all the security risks, the danger of kids giving away too much info inadvertently and it being collected, and I was just like…NOPE. Now this kid has her wanting one and she’s manipulating me saying, “You say I ask too many questions, I could just ask Alexa.” Then she would give out her personal info, when we are home or gone, all the possessions we own, and it could lead to burglary and…

I sound like a nutter, don’t I? I guess when you’ve had one break in where TVs and computers were stolen, you become a little paranoid and wary. We never got our stuff back. The cops barely cared to take a report. It was 6 years ago and I still have issues trusting the house to be unlocked even with us here. In Podunk. I’d say the burglary burned new neural pathways for me and made me even more untrusting. But I hear horror stories about people posting or submitting too much info to these AI devices and it leads to bad things, so am I so wrong wanting to keep that out of our home and protect my child and peace of mind?

The scorching heat is not helping my mental state. I took one melatonin last night and after the stress of her ‘gimme gimme’ friend and her litany of all the expensive stuff he has so his parents must REALLY love him…I was tapped out and I slept, hard. With nightmares and anxiety cos this kid is always asking to come into our house but the first time I allowed him to, he did nothing but complain and touch my stuff without permission and he fussed and…ARGHHH. I know I can’t pick her friends for her, but damn it, do I have to tolerate someone who triggers the very mental disorders leading to all my distorted thoughts? Can’t I just hold him at bay until my mental state is better? And this is not just him, I’ve been weird about people being in the house for months now because they took my Xanax and my meds are so effed up. And if I say no, my kid will hate me, and she wants to know why I don’t like this kid, and I have tried to explain that he has no boundaries and all he does is make her feel bad for not having all the stuff he has…Which makes me feel like bad. And here I was thinking, wow, for a poor kid, this child has tablets, computers, smart TV’s, she’s not exactly living in deprived squalor.

It only takes one person to make you realize how subpar you are but I refuse to stoop to that level. No kid needs 3 ipads. No kid should EVER tell you what you better buy him and not buy him for his birthday. He may have issues but rudeness is a choice and that his mom was okay with it…I don’t see things improving.

In addition to this stress, one of the day camp counselors pulled me aside yesterday at pick up and told me how moody and easily upset Spook is and he wanted to know if there are things going on at home, et al. I told him we’re not sure if it’s hormonal or ADHD or mood disorder but she does have an appointment this month. Plus, moving to Armpit has been tough on her. And she does have mega issues getting along with more than one or two friends at a time, which is a battle I’ve faced myself. The minute I got her home, she calmed, she was happier. The counselor said she takes things so hard she acts like a 40 year old. I am constantly telling her she acts like a 2 year old because she has fits over food, over being told to brush her hair and teeth, over being told no, you can;t lay out in the middle of the road…

All of this on top of my own struggles with personal situational stress, mental health issues, money, et al.

I’m tough but all of it is wearing me down fast. And my support system is um…non existent. “Take a nerve pill.” “Get over it, you have a kid, you don’t get to be depressed.”

That I am not a serial killer is a fucking miracle. Life has pushed me to the breaking point and them some.

So while I know it does no good trying to get y’all to interact with me…Any advice? Anyone? (Crickets.) I could really use some encouragement and support and coping mechanisms. Because I know part of it isn’t this friend of hers, it’s my own inferiority complex. But how do I stick to my guns not wanting to spoil my ungrateful non chore doing kid just so she can keep up with the mini Joneses?

Help? Anyone?

More Space Invasion

Posted in anxiety, parenting with tags , , , , , , , , on June 9, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

My kid got back from her outing safely. Unfortunately, she brought her new friend with her and they just left him here without asking if it was okay with me. It wasn’t. I know my kid and going back to getting up early means she is going to need an early bedtime so all the stuff we’ve been doing leisurely and later on, like supper and bathing, need done sooner. Now I have this kid in my living room, sniffling cos he is allergic to my wax melt, the sun was burning him, the bugs were eating him, and he wants me to buy him Minecraft when I don’t have a cent to me damn name. WTF? Oh and he was touching my TV, trying to use the remote. Arghhh, it’s a violation! And the remote doesn’t work. I do not miss this aspect of my kid being popular.

I know you have to make sacrifices for your kids but c’mon. Her company should not traumatize me and trigger my disorders. I am feeling very…assaulted here. I am trying not to let the disorders win but it helps IF PEOPLE DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF OR INVADE MY SPACE DUE TO THEIR WHINY ISSUES.

Ok, that was mean. I’m a whine and cheese chick myself, sorta. But still…who the hell raises these kids? They all come in my house first time and start helping themselves to food and remotes asking for the wifi password…RUDE. If my kid does that, I ground her. You respect other people’s stuff and their homes and space. No one is teaching this new generation respect. Oh my god, I am one sentence from screaming get off lawn.

But man, this kid is pushing me. I won’t let them play in her room cos she hasn’t cleaned it in a week and she knows the discipline for that is no one can see her room til it’s picked up. Yet he keeps pressuring her and asking me even though I said no ten times. I feel like a grouchy monster but how many times do you have to assert yourself in your own home before you are heard? I am trying real hard not to let my issues interfere with her normal-ish childhood but man, I am struggling like someone in concrete boots trying to stay above the water.

I have to wonder if the Abilify is making me grumpy because I am so laden with this akathisia and I am tense and wound tightly. I bet he goes home with some horror stories about how grumpy I am. And how messy my house is. And ya know what? Fuck it. Let them all talk, let the landlord evict us. I am exhausted from struggling, anyway. Like hospitalization tired except I don’t want to have to admit next time I renew my driver’s license and they ask LOUDLY, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, HAVE BEEN IN A PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS?
How humiliating that they do it in front of a packed DMV. And it kind of violates your healthcare privacy rights, too.

I feel like I am on a downward spiral. Trying to explain to people why I am all twitchy and shit is embarrassing. Especially since they are the anti psych med crowd. This is an extreme side effect which I should have known would happen since it did the first time I tried Abilify but I was willing to keep an open mind and hope maybe this time it would take minus icky side effects. It was a failed experiment. Question is now, will the NP refill my 10 mg or insist I stay on the 15 til my next appointment? By which point I will have itched myself bloody and been committed to a rubber ramada because I am acting so hinky.

14 minutes and I am sending the kid home. I hope they don’t want me to drive him. I hate being responsible behind the wheel for other people’s kids. It’s too much responsibility. (Oh geesh, now he’s pressuring her to make me buy her an X Box, like we can even afford internet.) I need this to end. Be gone. He just asked if he has to whisper here. Wow, I am a bitch beast.

He started it, touching my stuff and invading my space.

When the anxiety riots, maturity is out the fucking window.

Please Show A Single Mom Some Love

Posted in anxiety disorders, Children and Kids, fundraiser, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on May 8, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms


Going into month ten without the donor paying a cent in support, so he’s now $5000 behind. I’ve been trying to seek work for months to no avail because the only positions open here are ones I am automatically disqualified for due to a bad choice in my past. But I am still trying, still filling out applications and making calls and TRYING. But the notion that this will be the first year since pre-K that I couldn’t get Spook’s school pics is really making me upset. I managed it even when the donor hadn’t been ordered to pay support yet but that was because where we lived in town was so much cheaper than where we were forced to move when they sold it out from under us.

I am tired of asking for help, I know everyone is tired of hearing me ask. But this is my last chance to get her 4th grade pics so I am willing to swallow some pride and risk some annoyance and rejection. Like I said, my family has invested all their money in my nephew’s wedding May 18th, the pawn shop won’t give a hundred bucks for everything we own…So yeah. PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN OR JUST PASS THIS POST ON IN CASE SOMEONE OUT THERE COULD HELP AND UNDERSTANDS HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO HAVE MEMORY PHOTOS OF YOUR KID AS THEY ARE GROWING UP.

We’d be so very grateful.

spook and me tree

Depression, Anxiety, And Poverty Should Be Considered A Viral Epidemic

Posted in employment with tags , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Happy Sunday.

We woke to blowing snow and 32 degrees on April 14th. I shut the heat off as it was in the 60’s yesterday. My kid was unamused to wake up with icicles on her toes.

Today is Doomsday. Not looking forward to a 20 mile drive into town and if the donor is a now show, then I’ve wasted what little gas money I have and will have a despondent child on my hands. If he does show up, it will take every bit of me fighting my own nature to call people for being blatant phonies and liars.

I’d like to say thanks to the people who have helped us a little toward our fundraising goal to keep our power/heat turned on. You guys know who you are and how much it means to me and Spook.

Direct donation or gift through paypal here.

If you want the sordid story and a heartfelt video, that is here on gofundme.

I bathed this morning for the first time in 9 days. I may be a worn down depressive busk and basketcase but I’m not giving the donor the satisfaction of seeing me that way. He’d take credit for ‘destroying’ me when fact is, the depression and anxiety have been plundering me for so long, and with the money problems of him not paying support, and Spook being such a volatile kid…That is what has worn me down this far. Not him. My psyche isn’t so weak as to be deterred by romantic rejection. Been there, done that, keep buying the t-shirt every few years then burning it.

I need to jet by mom’s before our meeting today, she has some black dress flat shoes I can use for my job interview tomorrow. I only own tennis shoes and combat style heavy metal rocker chick boots, so…thank god me, mom, and my sister all have the exact same large ass foot size.

Pretty nervous about the interview tomorrow but the lady told me there could be an issue with my past even if it was over 15 years ago but she’d like to talk to me anyway. If I go in expecting little, I won’t be disappointed to be told ‘thanks but no thanks.’

I’m getting pretty disgusted with the flaming hoops involved in just applying to flip burgers or serve subs. Personality tests, audio clips to grade the customer/employer interaction, video clips in which you get 5 seconds to reply to a hypothetical situation coherently…Starting to feel like you gotta be a brain surgeon to be ‘sandwich artist’ material.

Fonal thoughts…

Yesterday there was a brief moment in which I felt sort of happy with our lives. I get left to my own devices, she has some friends, I get along with parents in a civilized way, we have a home, a car, she has a swingset and a bike and scooter and we have our cats…It’s not always bad. It’s just scary when you think how close you are to losing it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. If I could make my gratitude go viral and infectious, I would.

I have met some amazing kind and generous friends through wordpress and I love you all for being my support system, my friends, and sometimes, even my ‘panic button’ to text when I start crumbling. You guys are pretty amazing and I may not always feel I deserve it, but I sure as hell appreciate it.

There’s the family you’re born with and anyone who reads my blog knows mine is not supportive or very helpful.

You guys here on wordpress are the family I have chosen because you are supportive and helpful and you seem able to cut through the layers of gruff self protection I’ve encased myself in…and you see the troubled but basically decent person inside and you accept and appreciate me for it.

You will never in a million years know how much this means to me and I thank you and send you all the love in the world.

Do Or Die Time-Please Repost, Share, and Help Any Way You can

Posted in depression, employment, health with tags , , , , , , , on April 13, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

job search screen shot

So I started a fundraiser, in addition to setting up paypal
to take donations.

I am also going to put in some photos to show my monthly income, how many months we have been without any child support payments, and proof that I AM looking for work.

We need to be shown some love, guys.

Please please please…This is to keep the power turned on, it’s very important. Plus legal fees, the cost of a new psych doc, and to afford the newer treatments insurance won’t cover…THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Happy Caturday and bless you all.