Archive for Motionless In White

Motionless In Fright

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

From the Motionless In White song “Voices”….

Voices, In my head again
Baiting me in a war I can’t win
I can hear them now
Trapped in a game inside my own skin
I don’t know myself anymore
They’re pulling me under
Voices, Voices

I had a ‘rip off the bandage’ mental state yesterday. Almost kind of a mania after being frozen motionless by panic and sheer terror. Then I was multitasking like a mofo, six open tabs, applying for jobs, on the phone with the insurance company about getting my kid a new primary care doctor…I took my ‘video’ interview for one position I applied for but I was so nervous I kept saying um to every automated question so I likely looked like a twitchy flake. Later in the day, I received a call setting up an interview Monday for part time in home care for the elderly but once my fingerprints are run, that’s out the window. The state laws allow my sister with multiple felonies to work in the field, but I have ONE misdemeanor and every damn time, it disqualifies me. (And get this, my fingerprints taken when I worked daycare AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH, there are more stringent rules regarding elderly care. wth?) BUT I AM TRYING, PEOPLE.

That is just one morning’s net working efforts, mind you. I am listed with four of the top job sites with resume on file and I apply on external websites, as well, and paper applications for the rare places that still accept them.

I got groceries yesterday, doing battle with panic rising in traffic, as if things are moving so fast that my brain cannot process it quickly enough to make the right choice whether to accelerate or stop… Then my kid came home and we had a two hour battle over her not wanting to wear a green shirt that previously she hadn’t minded. This time it enraged her to little hulk and I recorded the audio because I am tired of people thinking it has to be my fault. I did not raise my voice, did not strike her, did nothing but speak calmly but firmly and try to defuse things. By bedtime, she’d settled down but by then I’d caved on the shirt thing. I was never going to ‘punish’ her by making her wear it, I just wanted her to come to me and say, “Can we donate this, it doesn’t really fit me/not my style.” I want her to realize that the things we take for granted, even hand me down clothes, may benefit someone else so you can’t just throw everything not your style in the garbage….

Bedtime came and…I just couldn’t get my brain to slow down. When I did sleep finally, it was with at least half a dozen times of waking up. Happy is being able to go back to sleep. Unhappy is seeing you’ve hit the snooze button for the fifth time and now you HAVe to face the day. I am aching and my allergies have turned me into miss leaky snout, it is gray and damp and 20 degrees colder today than yesterday. I’m exhausted. I pushed myself on every front yesterday, facing down the panic, tuning out the voices in my head that make me feel full of shame and self loathing…

And I got this first thing this morning.

It will probably be another day before I get the paper disconnect which means I won’t be able to get into the assistance place til then, and they make you set up appointments which may come after the cut off date and are usually out of funds so…Yeah, we’re screwed.

And still Sunday I have to take my daughter to see her ‘dad’ who is living off a live in girlfriend completely and can’t even be bothered to go to the library to read the email she sent him and send a brief reply. He gets no responsibility, I get it all, and even his bad behavior still entitles him to his parental rights. The system is beyond broken.

This is what I looked like for my ‘virtual’ interview yesterday. Not spiffy but not haggish.

Today I look like something the cat horked up and my hair needs washed again and I am just…wiped out.

I know everyone is strapped for money or wary of internet people but I am providing you with all documentation proving everything I am saying is true. I have ONE FAVOR to ask of someone with a heart. Would anyone be able to send my daughter a ten dollar gift card for Dollar Tree for Easter? I am still digging change out of the car seat and gathering pennies to take to coin star in hopes I can get my water bill paid by the 19th and avoid the $18 late fee…Just a ten dollar gift card is all she asked for, really. I mean, she’s a kid so the mind changes by the minute and the “I want” monster spins up funnel clouds like the tasmanian devil in cartoons but…this one thing she wants is something I can’t give her. If you can’t or won’t help me…consider doing something nice for a 9 year old girl who really just wanted to go eat Kentucky Fried Chicken legs for Easter and spend a ten dollar gift card at Dollar Tree.

I am making every effort. So much so I am running all the fuel out of my car and my brain is boiling in my skull from being so overwhelmed.

But no one can say I am not trying with everything I have in spite of all that is working against me. I didn’t just give up and assume the fetal position. I am making every effort.

For the next hour or two, though, I am going back under Fort Blankie and I am going to focus on breathing exercises in an effort to clear my mind and calm myself. Before the voices pull me under and leave me motionless in fright.

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For The First Time Since 2016, I Am Proud To Be An American Woman

Posted in depression, social issues with tags , , , , , on September 18, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

I didn’t win the lottery, my mental demons are not cured, and the U.S. is still a pretty fucked up place right now BUT…

TODAY. THIS DAY.

I finally tackled my noise anxiety and listened to a ‘new to me’ song by my beloved Motionless In White. Which lead to suggestions which lead to a couple of other interesting metal bands that sort of bolstered my sagging spirits.

Yesterday I read about the Tweetstorm of “Mormom Mom Solves Unwanted Pregnancy Problem” and was about to roll my eyes and close the tab WHEN LOW AND BEHOLD I GOT BITCHSLAPPED WITH MY OWN BIASES I DIDN’T REALIZE I HAD!!!

Because there I was, prepared for a Mormom woman to thump Bibles and castigate non religious vagina owners but instead…THE WOMAN IS FUCKING BRILLIANT! Scientifically speaking, MEN ARE 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR UNWANTED PREGNANCIES THUS ABORTIONS. No, no, no, just READ what this brilliant lady posted on (the loathed by me) Twitter. Her argument as far as reproductive science goes is flawless. Gay men and woman can’t imprgenate each other. A woman can orgasm a zillion times and never get pregnant. Remember, this is a MARRIED MORMOM MOM pointing this out.

Since I abhor social media of Twitter and such ilk, I read the cliffnotesy breakdown linked here. She wordily serves up a topic usually approached while wearing hasmat gear with an explanation and a solution. It doesn’t matter if I agree with her word for word. Her point of view blew my mind, and frankly, gave me a needed reality check on my own bias against others when I am always spouting off about acceptance. I didn’t even want to hear her side because of my own issues. I am glad I defied myself and kept reading. I am truly enlightened. I know it will solve absolutely nothing politically and religiously on that topic but…

I ❤ that lady's thought processes, she's bloody wonderful in that regard!

And the cherry on top of today's "Whoaaa, why am I not feeling ashamed to be an American like usual?"….

WHO KNEW?
Mr. Willie Nelson.

His political leanings suddenly upset fans who assumed he went their way and Willie just laughs and says, without apology, “I don’t care.”

He may lean toward Democrat but with that laid back attitude and the way he laughed it all off- it doesn’t make me think politics at all.

It makes me think here is an American, stating his beliefs, pointing out you’re entitled to your own, and not a voice was raised, not a bad word was uttered.

This heavy metal chick may not always dig your style of music, Mr. Nelson, but you are a true American and thank you for just reminding me what life here was like just a brief time ago…

For today… I’m feeling some good old fashioned American pride.

Eternally Yours

Posted in biolar disorder with tags , , , , on June 6, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

*This music is not for the weak hearted*

Yeah, my sister introduced me to Motionless In White and initially, I thought it was too obnoxious and ‘satan channeling”. Hit those choruses, though, and well, the story changes. It’s kind of beautiful for those who like metal in the Slipknot/Mudvayne category. Also…I had no better title for this inane post.

Last night, I broke and agreed to let Spook’s friend Riley sleep over. MISTAKE. It was hot in here and within an hour the kid was screeching, “WORST SLEEPOVER EVER!.” Of course the twonks kept moving room from room so I had to move the fans repeatedly, then I had to text R about how to hook up a dvd player to a smart tv so the girls could watch dvds.

The kids weren’t bad. Riley, however, is defiant and mouthy and my kid is a sheeple so even when I said NO, they kept hammering at me. And true to her nature, my child can never own anything, it’s always someone else’s fault.

The mom told me her kid had been fed. Yet that 15 hour sleepover ended up costing me close to fifteen bucks cos the kid was constantly hungry and playing the “mommy gives me this” card. Then close to ten thirty she starts crying that she misses her mom and I pondered taking her home but…Ten minutes later given carrots and ranch, she stopped crying so I figured it was okay. (She told her mom today I wouldn’t let her go home.) Those girls were awake until 1:30 a.m. I try not to be a nag like my father was any time I had company, but at what point does patience wear thin? Finally they quieted and I nodded off.

Only to be wakened at 4:30 a.m. by my own kid bawling that he misses her mom and she doesn’t like sleeping with her friend cos her friend hogs the cover. (Rich coming from the extended knee pain inducing blanket swine herself.) It took a half hour to get her calmed and asleep. BY which point I was wide awake with racing thoughts so I took a .25 mg of Xanax an after ninety minutes nodded off…

Only to have Spook purposely sneak up on me and wake me in a way that set off my panic and had my heart pounding out of my chest. She’s been told a zillion times not to do that to me and yet, she had a friend, her audience, so she didn;t give a damn if it took me an hour to get calmed down. Cruel.

I fixed them egg and cheese omelets. Neither of them thanked me for a thing the whole night, jut made it clear I am a welcome mat for them to wipe their feet on.

Spook got mad when I sent her friend home at 10 a.m. this morning but my presence had been requested at the shop. So away the friend went, to grandma’s Spook went, and I went to the shop. Where I tried to be upbeat and supportive cos the new job and layoff have him in a tailspin. He made it clear he couldn’t even afford to buy me smokes. I still went and stayed almost 5 hours even though I did little but research the net for his problem child tvs.

3 o ‘clock I bailed because I wore if I had to hear him say “I fucked up taking that job” one more time, I was gonna get stabby. Much as I’d love to bash him…He wanted more stability than the shop, that other job offered it, then yanked the rug from under him with a layoff. It sucks and it’s dirty corporate pool but it’s not his fault. He listened to what others, as well as the bosses at the company itself, and they never mentioned lay offs. So how that is his fault is beyond me.

Had about 90 minutes alone in my home sweat box (if anyone wants to send us old fans, we’re not too proud to beg) then mom called and said Spook missed me and wanted to come home. TRanslated: she missed her demon friends. I fetched her. My wench sister insisted on showing me her new “Pennywise” t-shirt cos she knows I don’t like clowns.

Since then it has been fairly quiet. Riley stopped in a few times and when I told my kid no to questions, that girl was whispering in her ear encouraging Spook to nag me some more..LOts of demon spawns here.

Now, thankfully, at this hour, the humidity is lower, the temp is down, and I no longer feel I am marinating in my own sweat. Perhaps I can get some good sleep tonight. Spook is still mad at me cos I wouldn’t let her stay at Riley’s tonight, but with little sleep, my kid is a powderkeg an I’d prefer the other girl’s parents not judge my kid a psycho who can’t behave.

I faked the upbeat thing today. I cringed every time I heard a siren. I flinched when on uneven roads that convinced me I had a flat. My brain often gives the silent treatment unless someone has been raped or murdered. Not the way I want it it be but…

It is what you need at that time…Go with God.

Personally, I am gonna go with Adelitas Way “MY derailment.”

Such a good band if dumbass sheeple would stop listening to Kesha and Miley Virus.

Do I sound judgey and shit?

Good. I favor talent over tabloid pres and the beautiful people.

Maybe that is why I have less friends than my rude redneck family. But then, JUstin Bieber has a gazillion fans and um…sound of his voice makes nails on a chalkboard sound good.

If I can find worth in Lady Gaga and Katy Perry and N’Sync, even a couple of songs by Back Street Boys….

Bieber’s talent eludes me or I would totally give him credit.