Archive for job search

Space Invaded

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Dad and stepmonster came to swap out the air conditioners today. I found her cryptonite to get her out of my space fast. Gain wax melts. She was gagging and coughing and had to run outside, then my dad started griping, like I specifically did it to offend her. It’s a scent that heightens my mood and lowers my anxiety, I find it calming. And I pay the rent and power so fuck ’em. It was awkward having them in my space. This is safe sacred space I don’t even like invaded by my kid’s little friends. Having my negative family invade it feels like an assault of some sort. But it was a necessary evil as the old unit that came with the house was screwed down and nailed in and it disintegrated in rust at the bottom plus it weighed about a hundred pounds so no way was anyone civilized getting that thing yanked. Their redneckery was needed. Now we have the newer unit that works well, though it is smaller. I think what I like most is that it has a timer so I can turn if off at night but have it kick on before we get up and also, it dehumidifies. Of course, it was a gift several years back from a friend who was uneasy with the idea of Spook and I smothering in the trailer with no air.

I was really glad when they left. Now I just need to get a big snake to park in the living room in a terrarium and they will NEVER ever set foot in here again. That would be wondermous. It was all I could do not to laugh at my dad’s hypocrisy. He was talking about his ritzy neighbors being nosy and ‘they must have a drone flying over town since they know everyone’s business’. He is constantly remarking how many times my landlord’s son or I make am trip to the gas station or to town. Yet he says he doesn’t give a fuck (he literally put it that way) what any of us are doing. He’s so deluded, it’s almost sad. How people can be so totally unaware of their own quirks is beyond me. Though to me a quirk tends to be harmless, the shit they have going on is anything but harmless. I’m so sick of the racist and homophobic and classist jokes. It’s not funny to anyone but them and some Trump fans, so…no one in their right fucking mind.

I accomplished a lot today except for the lawn. It rained briefly but it was enough to make the grass slippery enough that I almost fell on the concrete, my shoes were so wet, so I said, meh, tomorrow. I folded 5 baskets of laundry, did dishes, cooked, moved furniture, dealt with the assault on my safe space…It’s been a full day and I can go to bed not feeling like shit about myself. Well, sort of.

So I did not get that day camp counselor job, already knew that. I don’t know if it was a consolation prize or what because initially I was told it would be $40-$50 a week for Spook to attend the day camp in town. Today they called and said she got a full scholarship, it runs June 10th, til August, M-F 9-4:30. I can’t afford that kind of gas. But to save my sanity, have time to look for work, and keep her from having a miserable summer, I’ve got to try to find a way to at least float until I get hired somewhere. I really want this for her, and the overnight ‘vacation’. I gave up on the fundraiser when it went 3 weeks without getting a cent and it broke her heart but she wasn’t willing to sacrifice Minecraft time to do social media promotion so…

Now I’m doing it again. I will just post the video and link and I will keep doing it and if it pisses people off or offends or whatever…so be it. If someone can raise thousands to be cryogenically frozen after death, then we can raise a couple grand for daycamp fuel and a brief vacation. Not giving up this time. Because I am going to suck it up and start doing social media. At some point. And hope to hell it’s not a repeat from 11 years ago when it all went to shit and became more harrassment and insults than connections and friendships. It was truly traumatizing.

So…How about you help me spread the word? See. Not asking for a dime there. Just a share. For Spook.


The Unemployment Olympics Winner…or finding work when disabled

Posted in disability, employment, working with disabilities with tags , , , , , , , on May 9, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

So like you know how I am always saying we have 8o people applying for one minimum wage position?

Kennel Assistant
Country Club Kennel
Franklin, IL
Your application status
Submitted 13 days ago
You applied
13 days ago
Job listing is currently
Other Indeed applicants

Yes, 63 other applicants for the kennel job. Many of who likely have kennel experience, current positive references and recent employment references.

I think this is where I get so frustrated. It isn’t that I am not trying hard enough, it is that I am literally in rural rock and a hard place territory. So perhaps I’m not unemployable, I’m just not heavily desired as an employee.

But it proves what I say is true and that I am applying for the positions. I have a few apps still open but some are closed meaning I didn’t get it and that’s a bummer cos I don’t need the money to put gas in my shiny car and run around all summer socializing or buy designer clothes or fancy computer or gamer equipment.

I have a child to raise, alone, no child support, no coparenting, just me.

That is why every job failure stings so much. Were I doing it for shallow or selfish purposes, maybe I’d deserve rejection. But my motives are pure, my determination strong as iron. The one handicap I have going against me is neither physical nor mental. It is an economically oppressed rural geography.

I am gonna keep trying. I have the best reason to stand tall and hang tough and I call her Spook. I am all she has and I am gonna prove to her, and to myself, and all my detractors, that I can do better for her, for myself.

spook and me tree




Motionless In Fright

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

From the Motionless In White song “Voices”….

Voices, In my head again
Baiting me in a war I can’t win
I can hear them now
Trapped in a game inside my own skin
I don’t know myself anymore
They’re pulling me under
Voices, Voices

I had a ‘rip off the bandage’ mental state yesterday. Almost kind of a mania after being frozen motionless by panic and sheer terror. Then I was multitasking like a mofo, six open tabs, applying for jobs, on the phone with the insurance company about getting my kid a new primary care doctor…I took my ‘video’ interview for one position I applied for but I was so nervous I kept saying um to every automated question so I likely looked like a twitchy flake. Later in the day, I received a call setting up an interview Monday for part time in home care for the elderly but once my fingerprints are run, that’s out the window. The state laws allow my sister with multiple felonies to work in the field, but I have ONE misdemeanor and every damn time, it disqualifies me. (And get this, my fingerprints taken when I worked daycare AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH, there are more stringent rules regarding elderly care. wth?) BUT I AM TRYING, PEOPLE.

That is just one morning’s net working efforts, mind you. I am listed with four of the top job sites with resume on file and I apply on external websites, as well, and paper applications for the rare places that still accept them.

I got groceries yesterday, doing battle with panic rising in traffic, as if things are moving so fast that my brain cannot process it quickly enough to make the right choice whether to accelerate or stop… Then my kid came home and we had a two hour battle over her not wanting to wear a green shirt that previously she hadn’t minded. This time it enraged her to little hulk and I recorded the audio because I am tired of people thinking it has to be my fault. I did not raise my voice, did not strike her, did nothing but speak calmly but firmly and try to defuse things. By bedtime, she’d settled down but by then I’d caved on the shirt thing. I was never going to ‘punish’ her by making her wear it, I just wanted her to come to me and say, “Can we donate this, it doesn’t really fit me/not my style.” I want her to realize that the things we take for granted, even hand me down clothes, may benefit someone else so you can’t just throw everything not your style in the garbage….

Bedtime came and…I just couldn’t get my brain to slow down. When I did sleep finally, it was with at least half a dozen times of waking up. Happy is being able to go back to sleep. Unhappy is seeing you’ve hit the snooze button for the fifth time and now you HAVe to face the day. I am aching and my allergies have turned me into miss leaky snout, it is gray and damp and 20 degrees colder today than yesterday. I’m exhausted. I pushed myself on every front yesterday, facing down the panic, tuning out the voices in my head that make me feel full of shame and self loathing…

And I got this first thing this morning.

It will probably be another day before I get the paper disconnect which means I won’t be able to get into the assistance place til then, and they make you set up appointments which may come after the cut off date and are usually out of funds so…Yeah, we’re screwed.

And still Sunday I have to take my daughter to see her ‘dad’ who is living off a live in girlfriend completely and can’t even be bothered to go to the library to read the email she sent him and send a brief reply. He gets no responsibility, I get it all, and even his bad behavior still entitles him to his parental rights. The system is beyond broken.

This is what I looked like for my ‘virtual’ interview yesterday. Not spiffy but not haggish.

Today I look like something the cat horked up and my hair needs washed again and I am just…wiped out.

I know everyone is strapped for money or wary of internet people but I am providing you with all documentation proving everything I am saying is true. I have ONE FAVOR to ask of someone with a heart. Would anyone be able to send my daughter a ten dollar gift card for Dollar Tree for Easter? I am still digging change out of the car seat and gathering pennies to take to coin star in hopes I can get my water bill paid by the 19th and avoid the $18 late fee…Just a ten dollar gift card is all she asked for, really. I mean, she’s a kid so the mind changes by the minute and the “I want” monster spins up funnel clouds like the tasmanian devil in cartoons but…this one thing she wants is something I can’t give her. If you can’t or won’t help me…consider doing something nice for a 9 year old girl who really just wanted to go eat Kentucky Fried Chicken legs for Easter and spend a ten dollar gift card at Dollar Tree.

I am making every effort. So much so I am running all the fuel out of my car and my brain is boiling in my skull from being so overwhelmed.

But no one can say I am not trying with everything I have in spite of all that is working against me. I didn’t just give up and assume the fetal position. I am making every effort.

For the next hour or two, though, I am going back under Fort Blankie and I am going to focus on breathing exercises in an effort to clear my mind and calm myself. Before the voices pull me under and leave me motionless in fright.

Celebrate the high functioning days

Posted in anxiety disorders, cyclothymia with tags , , , , on November 15, 2011 by morgueticiaatoms

Yes, in spite of the anxiety and daunting tasks of my day,ie, looking for work and going to appointments and spending six hours apart from my child…I prevailed. Well,somewhat. The counselors were proud of me, though, for taking some initiative and making as much effort as I did by getting applications on my own and such.

It was not easy for me. Hell, I used to have major panic attacks when I had to drive hubby to apply for jobs or interviews. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Because as well as I am doing at the moment, I know my history and my disorders, and it could all come crumbling down at any time. People break under pressure all the time. I am choosing not to focus on it and just plow forward, but it’s a lurker, that thought in the back of my mind, asking,”What if this time life HAS given me more than my psyche can handle?

I was trying to communicate my overwhelmed feelings and the darkness of the seasonal affect disorder to Mary Sunshine (aka the counselor) and she basically ver batim told me what my loony mother did. “Well, you know you don’t have the option of curling up into and ball and ceasing to function now, because of your child.”

Then she channeled my mom further when I went into a tirade about depressing the holidays are for me and how I hate them. “Well, you’re going to have to change that,since you have a child.”


Insert hanging emoticon here.

That woman is supposed to be a mental health professional and yet sometimes, when I am trying to communicate the severity of my illnesses and how I struggle, it’s just not registering with her. Her strategy is pep talk and telling me I “can’t” do that or feel that.

I don’t like it, at all.

At least the employment specialist was cool. She always is.

Now…just breathing. I made another appt with the job lady for Thursday. I need to pace myself, but I also have to keep making the effort. So I am.

Tomorrow will be a light day, tho, pick up the lamictal the pharmacy owes me and return two applications, then come home and vegetate.

But with cyclothymia, you never know, could go hypomanic or straight manic or mixed episode…

Every relationship I’ve ever had, they have elected to view my illness as this roller coaster ride from hell they simply cannot handle.

Myself, I kind of like viewing it like Wheel of Fortunes,spin the wheel.  Sure, you could hit bankrupt, but then again, every once in awhile you have a high functioning day and win the big money.

Or in my case, a sense of accomplishment and a little bit of self esteem regained.


Panic Attacks+Job Hunting= meltdown

Posted in anxiety disorders, panic disorder with tags , , , , , , on November 15, 2011 by morgueticiaatoms

I went out this morning with a fire in my belly, feeling all confident and determined (1.5mg of xanax helped some) and I went to my old restaurant job, but the manager was gone today so I talked to the assistant and she said she would speak to him when he came back.

I went to a pet supply store who is not hiring, but will take applications.

Then I went to five places who said they’re not even accepting applications any longer since they have files cabinets of them.

One place couldn’t even give me an application, told me I’d have to come back after 5pm to talk to the person who knew how it was handled.

Needless to say, the panic, the churning stomach, and the feeling of a pillow being over my face made me decide to call it a day at that point. I still have the appointment with the job counselor lady later, but for now…I need to regroup. Having to locate public bathrooms to combat the effects stress has on my body did not prove beneficial to my mental well being.

Now I have filled out the two aps I did get, and it’s like, they don’t even give you a chance to list your strengths and skills, they just want a detailed history of every misdeed ever done. With bipolar disorder, I’m pretty laden with such misdeeds. It seems hopeless outside of finding someone willing to just roll the dice on me. This town is economically on life support anyway, where you have 200 people applying for one unskilled position. My odds are not good.

But I will keep trying.

And make sure I have plenty of milk on hand to deal with the acid burning holes into my stomach and surrounding organs.

Now would someone get this pillow off my face so I can breathe??????