Archive for health

Ebb And Flow

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , on July 6, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

After my mid night wake up spell, I managed another 2 hours of sleep. Now I find myself wired, jumpy, bored, but unable to ‘get moving’. I am anticipating my sister returning my child today and if she comes in the house…Well, she’s a neat freak so cobwebs in a corner would set her off. I just can’t seem to ‘shake off’ this inertia, the sense that if I get up and start moving bad things are coming. It makes no sense and aside from interrupted sleep, I have no explanation except…this is the ebb and flow of my mood and anxiety cycles.

There are some days when I am badass and fierce and can face things.

There are many days when I am feeling weak and meek and really cannot face things.

It’s very frustrating to never know which it’s gonna be. Is it gonna last all day? Is it gonna last a few hours?

I suppose this is where the professionals would start waving their glitter glue DSM signs about borderline personality disorder, but this isn’t my personality. I am NOT a shy, meek person. I am very independent so it’s not like I am waiting for others to come take care of my messy house or cart me around because driving is too panic inducing.

There just truly are some days that I can’t do certain things. It’s not a cop out, it is a truly fearful paralyzed mental state. Until it passes, I may as well be in shackles. “Snap out of it” does not apply. These are the days when this benzo nazi regime and the low dose are truly the worst for me. I need that higher dose to cope with this level of anxiety and paranoia, but I am so well trained to be a ‘good girl’ and be ‘compliant’ that even with my 3 month stash of Xanax, I rarely take more than the measly 0.5 twice a day prescription. It isn’t because I don’t need it. It’s because I am TRYING not to be the pill popping fiend they seem to think all benzo users are. FFS, they have reduced my quality of life to a degree that is nearly criminal.

Rarely I will take more than the allotment then feel guilty for it, like a pill popper. But honestly, what benzo addict has 3 full bottles plus half a bottle of higher dose just sitting on the shelf? I don’t swallow the whole bottle of Tylenol or take it every day if I don’t have pain, and I don’t just pop Xanax willy nilly, either. I take it when I need it because I have a need for it. But because some people have addiction issues, I get screwed without a kiss. I just want to be treated as an individual who actually has this aspect of her life and treatment well in hand.

Makes me glad that I push myself so hard not to take a pill when the panic sets in. It is what has enabled me to have the stash because my life revolves around benzo nazi doctors and I need to make sure I’m not left in the lurch. No addict who abuses a drug is going to have an excess of 200 pills laying around. That is someone who truly needs the medication and only takes it when it’s necessary. Too bad they can’t get their heads out of their asses and realize this.

So maybe I will take one and see if it quells the paranoia and panic. Maybe I will get my butt in gear and accomplish something around the house. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I hate feeling this way. I wish I could escape my brain and go be someone else, be something better. But this is the hand I was dealt and I am playing the cards I have. Just wish every day didn’t feel like a deadman’s hand.


So Often There Is No Why When It Comes To Depression and Anxiety

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health with tags , , , , , , on July 5, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

One of the most frustrating aspect of mental illnesses for me is the way the professionals have always insisted there has to be a ‘why’ for feeling anxious or depressed. Proof one can go to school, get a degree, practice psychiatric care, and still be utterly clueless as to how the illness truly works. I don’t dispute that often there are indeed precursors, triggers, and logical explanations to mood swings and negative mental space. If your beloved pet dies, it is reasonable to feel grief, to cry, to cycle through the emotions and moods involved with loss. Your car breaks down and you can’t afford to fix it. This is a bummer and impacts your life in a major negative fashion, so frustration, anger, and depression make sense.

THEN there is bipolar depression and free floating anxiety disorder. If the doctors are flustered by me not having a ‘why’ to explain to them, they should ponder how frustrating it is for me living in this never ending cycle without explanation. If I can explain it, I can try to fix it, change it. If I can’t identify the why because there is no why, I am left just treading water, waiting for the mental space to shift.

I find myself in this place today. Nothing traumatic happened. I actually got two decent nights’ sleep since I stopped the Abilify. But I just feel low. I have no motivation. I don’t want to get up and go. I have physical issues going on that are definitely making an impact on functionality, but nothing I don’t deal with regularly enough to know it will soon pass. Hormones and allergies are pretty miserable so they are contributing factors, for sure. But to wake up, fully rested, and still feel tired and overwhelmed, for no apparent reason, is maddening.

Today is gonna be a long day for me. My kid skipped day camp because I told her no more packing her lunch, I trusted her the other day and the counselors had a conniption over her lack of healthy food. She was ‘scared’ of them making her eat gross food to the extent she opted not to go even though it’s a swimming day. Personally, I think she’s being a drama llama, but then, I often cringe at the thought of eating other people’s cooking, so she comes by it naturally. I will get a respite tonight as she is staying the night with my mom. I still have to cart my catterwallig brother to his job, then wait in town in 90 degree heat with nothing to do for 3 hours til he gets off and bring him home. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to my dad what an imposition this arrangement can be for me. He calls it a ‘job’ but job usually implies payment or barter of some sort. I am getting nothing out of this deal except a fiver tossed in for gas on occasion. 4 more weeks then camp ends and I will have a legit reason for not toting him around. Not that it will likely change their ‘we have plans, can you take him to work.’ Because if I say no, I have plans (even if I generally don’t) this will bring on the lecture about how I don’t work and I am lazy and…sometimes standing up for myself just comes with too many adverse side effects.

I look forward to coming home, getting comfy, and enjoying my quiet time. Maybe get cocky enough to hope for a third night of decent sleep, all the while fearful that it was a fluke from coming off the med. They say live in the now, don’t fret what *may or may not& happen but one thing about trauma is that if it’s happened over and over, you lose your luxury of thinking optimistically. Or at least I do. Optimism has proven to be a nasty Rottweiller chewing on my butt cheek too many times. Better to be prepared, just in case. As long as I don’t let the pessimism completely take over.

But yeah. Sometimes there is no why.

Does anyone else experience this? Let me know, because between the inept doctors and counselors and my critical family, I am starting to feel like some sort of mutant. If there is indeed a why, I could use some ideas on how to ID the why and how to proceed in a way that is beneficial instead of self defeating.

I remain convinced, though, that the very nature of the mood disorders is that 90% of the time…there simply is no why. It is called a disorder for a reason. Logic is absent from disorders and trying to make sense where there is none is the very definition of self defeating behavior. That doctors and counselors perpetuate this only adds to my doubts and trauma. Accept there is no why and focus on riding out the storm. That’s what I do, that is my only advice to others. Stop looking for a why and start looking for coping mechanisms. THAT is the kind of advice I wish my psych professionals would give me. I wish they would but alas…they do not. And I guess that is one more thing where there is no why, they’re just incompetent.

Wind Up Doll Depression

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , on July 3, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Most days, I feel like a broken wind up doll. I can only wind up so much and patter about so much then I just stop. Nothing I do gets me further, the wind up is broken at *that* point. There was an anti depressant commercial showing someone as a wind up doll and I think it was probably for one of the meds that have been the side effect laden bane of my existence. But as far as commercial accuracy goes it was appropriate.

My kid has wind up toys that she has somehow broken or bought broken and sometimes the wind up function works, sometimes it only goes a few seconds, and other times, it will flop about like a pair of chattering teeth for a full sixty seconds. This reminds me of myself in a major way. It doesn’t matter how much you may want to run and run and run. You can only go as far as your wind up allows and some days, it’s two seconds, other days it’s a full minute and some days, it isn’t at all. Very accurate.

I woke in the middle of the night for the third time and could not get back to sleep. The sun was coming up and it was 70 minutes til alarm time when I drifted off again. I hit snooze but managed to force myself up before it went off the first time. I just don’t feel energized in the current heat wave. If anything, I feel gross cos even in the AC, the humidity makes my hair limp and my skin moist and when you have a furry cat crawling all over you, it does not feel good to end up wearing as much of their fur as they are. Godsmack had decided right now is the purrfect moment to get in my face and deposit her fur up my nose and all over my skin and it’s Benadryl time cos now I am all itchy as well as uncomfortable.

I got my kid to summer camp. Managed to drag my ass into Hellmart to cash that check the bank wouldn’t. I grabbed a few things, and even inside, I had sweat drenching my thick hair. Stepping outside turned me into a soaked mess in the car. (The AC does not blow right so the car is warmer with the windows up and that on than if you just crack a window.) Got home and already before 10 a.m. it was nearing 90. Gave the cats fresh water, with ice cubes, since I am keeping the lot outside. They just wouldn’t litter train and I can’t have that, even if people think I am a monster. They have a cool dog house, shade on the porch, cool under the porch, the basement…I keep them fed and refresh their water so it stays cool. I am TRYING to make all the moving parts of my life work but when I can’t get decent sleep and can’t wind up properly to get shit done…

It’s exhausting.

And people like a store manager I know make it worse. I said something to my kid the other day about being the ‘want’ monster and this random woman decided to treat us to her tough love ‘I work for my money so my kids have been working for theirs since they were three years old and I made them start doing chores.” Yes, drill sargeant, ma’am! I hate rigid people. She seems nice enough but people who take such a hard line are not people you can reason with. I pity her husband, my god. Which is not to say she is wrong, my kid does need to do more to help me out considering how much she expects of me. I just prefer the more civilized ‘will you help me’ as opposed to the demonic drill instructor YOU WILL HELP ME OR YOU WILL NOT EAT SUPPER! Yeah, I’m not great at tough love and discipline, but she hasn’t gotten arrested or maimed anyone yet, so I will take the win and accept I have a lazy kid. When it matters most, she will reluctantly help. Like being made to scoop cat boxes for the privilege of taking her lunch to camp cos ‘they make you eat everything on the tray and it’s gross.’ Being a picky eater myself…I empathize. Sometimes. Other times, I think she’s being a princess. Oh, big deal, they don’t put sugar in their sloppy joe’s, suck it up. Now being forced to eat hominy and sprouts…I’d opt to puke it all over the counselors.

Yeah, amazing she’s such a spitfire, I have NO idea where she gets it.

I am already dreading the trip back to town in this heat. Praying for the threatened rain shower. Yes, please. A break from the sun and heat makes it easier to deal with traffic and a fussy kid and a caterwalling brother. Sadly, it is supposed to rain tomorrow afternoon which quashes a lot of people’s happy plans. We don’t have any, but some people do and it’s a bummer for them. Man, a couple years ago, I would have really enjoyed their parade getting rained on. I’ve evolved, egad, next I will barf rainbows.

I vaccuumed. That was my big chore for the day. I set my little goals, met them, now if I wind down and can’t go…I don’t have to beat myself up as harshly. Hell, I don’t really need to beat myself up at all, when there are random cashiers in town to make me feel like shit for being a lenient parent and not working.

Six months. I just need six months of meds working into the seasonal shift and holiday trauma and…

And I will still be a trainwreck wind up doll but maybe I will be one who can hold a job without having a mental breakdown. I just want a med combo that works. I have a better chance of winning the lottery without buying a ticket. My faith in psych pharma is pretty shaky these days, after the Abilify side effects. Why oh why do I always get the rare but severe side effects? And the head shrink who saw me seemed disturbed by how many doctors I’ve seen there and it was like, where have you been? I’d have stayed with Dr. B, Dr. H, and Dr T had any of them ya know, remained employed there. I never wanted the revolving door of psych care. It is a big threat to my stability. Though staying with one who makes me feel so shitty negates another change, even if it could be for the worse.

Amazing the risks I am willing to take just to get a doctor who faces me when I talk as opposed to me talking to their back. That woman could kill someone in the waiting room and they still wouldn’t fire her cos no one competent wants to work there. Bloody hell.

It’s Okay To Be Depressed and Do Nothing

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , on June 13, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

After a bumpy night of sleep and wake and sleep and wake…I was not feeling rested or motivated. I did not see myself accomplishing much today. I felt guilty and crappy about it but I just decided to take the advice a former counselor gave me…set two small goals then give yourself permission to feel depressed.

By doing this and setting the small goal of cleaning cat boxes and cleaning up the bathroom…somewhere the energy and motivation to do dishes and fold 5 baskets of laundry and put it away appeared. Now I feel accomplished, and I don’t feel guilty for ‘doing nothing’.

That, by the way, is a falsehood. Every day we survive life with depression, we are successful. Every time we get out of our pajamas and put on clean clothes, that is a positive step. Any time we get our bills paid and go out to run errands and get groceries or whatever…success. We are not ‘doing nothing’. We are tending to our psychic wounds and listening to when our bodies and minds tell us we have hit a wall.

Beating your head against that wall isn’t ‘pulling yourself up by the bootstraps’. It is not ‘making an effort’.It is self defeating and adds to depression and anxiety.

So if you find yourself in a depressed mind space and feel overwhelmed by what needs done…give yourself permission to feel that way. If you manage to brush your teeth by days’ end, call it a win. And don’t let naysayers, doubters, and well meaning but ignorant people tell you that you’re letting the depression win. You’re letting your mind and body guide you to doing what is within your capabilities at that time. Some days, it’s the biggest success we can have. Surviving.

Anyone who says otherwise is ignorant and negative to your mental health.

Sometimes, not even a brain reboot helps

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , on June 12, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Cool wet gloomy day. I took my kid to day camp, came home, and curled up in bed. Two hours later I was still awake with racing thoughts and becoming agitated. All I wanted was to catch up on the sleep I didn’t get last night. I thought it would make things better. Then I could accomplish something. Instead, I didn’t nod off til after noon, then I woke in a panic at 1:30, terrified I had overslept. I went back down til 2:30 and forced myself to get up, get redressed and made up for public, and off I went. I fetched her, then my brother from his job, brought them both home, she went to their house to play with the neighbor kid and I am home alone. The cats are going bonkers as they always do any time there’s an abrupt shift in weather.

I thought I’d feel better having napped. Instead, I just feel loopy. Like putting a gallon of gas in the car then wondering why you run out before you reach your destination. It’s pretty easy when you start on an empty tank. That gallon does not go far. Nor do naps, especially when interrupted by a massive heart thundering bolt upright panic attack. It’s hit or miss, the sleep/nap thing. I guess with my moods tied to the weather I should have seen that today was just going to be a low energy, low mood day. I took my kid to the park and faked being human for a bit, at least.

And I did NOT take Abilify and guess what? Not itchy, not twitchy, not restless or antsy. Also not overloaded with anxiety from the Wellbutrin as the NP and her student said I was. I guess that is what makes it so insulting and easy to hate them. They just don’t listen to how it is for me, only how it reads from a book or a dozen case studies. I am an individual. Or maybe like Dilbert always called it, indivu-duh-ual. I feel pretty space case duhhhh right now but that is likely lack of sleep.

I am ready for bed. Hopefully they bring my kid home at a decent hour. I am not taking her to camp tomorrow cos she wants to go Friday for swimming and I have to kind of preserve gas. I got help, not a blank check. Still keeping up the vacation fundraiser, though, for all the good it will do. I would like just ONCE to have the money to take her to the public pool, as a mom and daughter, and maybe fit in a carnival where I can afford to go with her and ride and play games. Is it silly that I am a little envious that she gets to do all this via day camp while I am stuck home with housework and boredom? Petty or not, I can’t help but feel like I am left out of the fun aspects of her life. It’s all do to lack of money, not lack of interest or desire to have fun with her. I wonder if she knows the difference.

Today was a wash. The sun is coming out now and I just want to flip it off cos now, I am so tired, all I want to do is sleep and I need darkness and a tucked in child for that to happen.

No, a brain reboot does not always work out the glitches. I got my hopes up and that is on me. We’ll try the reboot tonight and hope for the best tomorrow.

The Cat’s Meow…is annoying

Posted in anxiety, insomnia with tags , , , , , , on June 12, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I have been awake every 2 hours tonight. The cat stomping my face and licking my eyelids finally forced me out of bed at 2 a.m. Even thought I filled their dishes at 10 p.m., they wanted refills with fresh food and water. Grrrr. Needy little furballs. They irked me so much I closed my bedroom door, which I almost never do.

So here it is 3:58 a.m. and I need to be up in two and a half hours to get dressed, get the spawn ready, make her 7:45 therapy appointment, then get her to day camp, then come home and instead of being well rested and getting things done…chances are I will be tapped out and need a nap. Will I be able to nap, that is the question. Because a nap can recharge even if it’s a 30 minute power nap. Supposed to be a cool rainy gray day so maybe that will help slow my racing thoughts. Mychild is like a battery bunny, she asks 100 questions a day, and mom mom mom mom…Argh, it is draining, so I need every bit of energy I can get.

Between her and the cats, I’ve got very little left for myself. And I know it doesn’t have to be this way. I had the right med combo a couple of times and no matter how much she took of my spoon allotment for the day, I could power through and even be awake at night, pursuing my interests of writing or reading or even interacting on line with people. Now I just want to go to sleep. And that damn akathisia from the Abilify is one of the reasons.

I will drop down to ten mg for a week and see if that helps. If not, I will call the office. Well, either way, I’ll need to call since I don’t have many 10 mg left. But at least give it a week to mythbust.

Oh, what a wondermous way to wake up, with draining sinuses, cats clawing your eyelids, and stressing over whether I will have the wherewithal to get through the day with my sleep cycle so disrupted. The only thing that can make this even suckier is if my kid has one of her grouchy morning meltdowns.

It’s a burden, leading the glamorous life.


Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , , on June 11, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I suppose there is a technical term for people who are freaked out by phones but I can’t be arsed to look it up. Bottom line is, phones are here for MY convenience. Like if I break down on the highway or I need a heads up before you invade my space. They are for me to use when forced to use them. As I was this morning. I found out where the donor is working so first thing I called support enforcement and they said they will be serving his employer today with the withholding notice. Yayness, about fucking time. He hasn’t paid since last September and he was already two grand behind by then so now he’s close to seven grand behind. But yeah, if he doesn’t quit or get fired, within 5 weeks I should be getting support and I don’t care if it’s $20 a week, I just want him held accountable as I am held. Anyway, making that call caused me panic attacks even though I had all night to prepare myself for it. I just hate phones, it is what it is. The noise, the intrusion…Yet it’s better than walking home from the interstate or worse, people darkening my doorstep without warning. Since the Nardil incident that cooked my brain, I’ve developed unhealthy phobias like this. I don’t know how to reverse it except I keep using the phone as needed and sometimes when I don’t need to. Like a good will call to the parents.

How I found out where he is working is my nephew and his wife went to my favorite store (I won’t mention names but everything is a buck) and he is working there now. Now my sister and mom don’t want to go there anymore. They thought I’d be upset. Why would I be? I haven’t done anything wrong. It might be awkward if he has to check us out but whatever. I’m not out to cause trouble. So anyway, I just have to hold on til child support kicks in (and a friend has helped me with gas for at least a week or two) and pray the loser doesn’t quit or get fired. He was disgusted (allegedly) when he moved here and saw all the men living off women who worked then he became one of them for almost a year, so I don’t count my chickens before they hatch. But just a hundred dollars extra month will keep us floating with only a little water going up our nose and hopefully I can find work so…Maybe pegacorns exist.

My kid loved her first day of camp yesterday. I didn’t take her today because I was sweating the gas situation. I will take her tomorrow and Friday for swimming and field trips. They said it is ok. Doing the best I can here. I played Old Maid and Go Fish with her. Today I took her to our rinky dinky park where I went down a slide and my baggy shorts got caught and ripped. Thankfully I was wearing bike shorts under them or I’d have been, well, indecent. We played some Old Maid and now she is out seeking kids to play with. That gives me time to try to calm down from the phone-a-phobia. It takes a lot out of me.

I am also unamused by how little motivation I have. That drastic cut in Wellbutrin fucked me, thank you, ass trash, NP. Man, my daughter saw an female NP yesterday and she was sooo nice and laid back…How oh how did I get stuck with robot lady? But no one really wants to work at the psych center so they keep who they get, shitty as they may be.

And make no mistake…She is bad. She refilled my buproprion for 90 pills, then did the same for my buspirone and I almost got them confused. She was supposed to give a 30 day supply of Wellbutrin but I guess they are so close in name, she messed up. Maybe she is trying to kill me, or at least make it look like I take my meds irresponsibly. I sound paranoid but shitty people exist, it is a fact. And when you ponder it, those in the mental health care field can be the worst of the bunch. (Hannibal Lecter anyone? Yes, I know, fiction, but plausible.)

I had major panic on the swings and merry go round at the park, by the way. I used to enjoy these things. My neural pathways are super screwed up.