Archive for gofundme fundraiser


Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , on February 26, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms


I honestly thought things had maxed out on being as bad as they could get.

Then today my dad and stepmonster and brother all set out with vehicle loads of stuff to move into the new place…


The 78 year old landlord who can’t remember his own name rented the place out from under us AFTER showing it to us Thursday. He actually rented my Elm St property to someone else this morning and says, “I forgot about you but they had the money up front.”


So there we were, vehicles full of stuff, nowhere to take them, and the landlord’s son was encroaching on my personal space cos nice as he is, he has some mental problems stemming from motorcycle wrecks so even a polite word or half ass smile makes him think a woman wants to sleep with him…I was in tears, furious, hopeless, and here is this guy touching my shoulder and telling me to calm down and smile and no matter how far I walked away or even sat in my hunk of junk car seething, he kept coming at me….I am not a mean person and he seems like a very sweet man with good intentions but today was NOT the day considering the way his father totally screwed me and Spook over.

So the dad and stepmonster get the old man to show us his other properties, ALL of which are in worse shape than what we’ve been living in and he says he won’t rent them anyway until they are cleaned up and repaired and thatn could be weeks.

And all I could think was, “8 years I have kept a roof over Spook’s head even after the donor abandoned us and left us penniless and now this elderly fuck puts me in a position of us living on someone’s sofa like I can’t even pay rent!!!” Six of us were trying to stress upon him the urgency of my situation and ten seconds later, he forgot all about what any of us said and told us it’d be a month or two before any of the properties he showed us would be liveable thus him willing to rent them.

I punched the roof of my car and leaned my head on the steering wheel and just let some tears slip. There is no bigger failure than not being able to put a roof over your kid’s head. It’s not like we got evicted cos I was ever late on rent. I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my fault I am disabled, I do the best I can, and it sure as hell isn’t my fault that I am forced to chase the damned donor job to job for support while the law provides him 6 weeks before he has to pay a cent. My God, I can’t deny my kid food for six hours without being labeled negligent and yet the law protects deadbeat parents to the nth!

I knew dealing with anyone associated with dad would be a bad idea. And I also knew that moving to Armpit was going to end up doubling monthly expenses thus leaving us unable to even buy basic hygiene products or internet or gas for the car.

Allegedly the house he showed us ‘can be’ ready for us in a week, but I won’t hold my breath on him remembering it or getting it fixed even if his son, the touchy feeling crowding one, does the work and vowed to me that he would personally get started tomorrow and have it done for me and Spook. I have zero faith in anything or anyone now and I think it’s warranted, considering how we got screwed.

Not to mention this house is not even an 1/8 as decent as the Elm street place. The former tenants left food rotting in the fridge, sink, stove, they left dirty cat boxes and busted aquariums with rotting fish so the entire place smells like decomposition. The floors are caving in worse than what we already have here in slumlord utopia. I’m not convinced it can even be made habitable but then, I am so upset and frustrated and depressed…maybe I can’t see the sunlight even if I am faking it for my kid.

I just….this is just…unbelievable.

Which was why I started the fundraiser in the first damn place because I knew the people with the cash on hand would trump us who can barely come up with the first month’s rent and utilities. I wanted to raise the money so we could have some security, some peace of mind, to get out of this hellish nightmare I can wake from. I am a damn good mom but if I can’t even provide her with a home cos I keep getting lied to and screwed over by these landlords and such…

Maybe I should let the dinor have her since he seems to keep a roof over his head. Obviously I can’t even have a successful fundraiser for the BEST DAMNED REASON ON EARTH. for my kid. Because you don’t know what hell or heartbreak is until an 8 year old asks, “Mommy why are we gonna be homeless?”

I did NOTHING wrong to deserve being forced to move.

Yet it’s like…

I’m buried alive and there’s no way out. What’s to say in the next 24 hours this senile old man won’t decide to rent the house out from under us cos someone else comes forth with the full $800 to move in? Not to mention I had the power set to turn on at the Elm place tomorrow, now I have to try to cancel that and get it transferred and that is gonna come with fees and penalties again THROUGH NO FAULT OF MY OWN!!!!!!

If we ever manage to get a roof overhead and get moved…I am seriously thinking it might be time for me to let Spook have a long weekend with the grandparents while I sneak off for a self committal to the psych ward. I can’t take much more, I just can’t. I am not a wimp, I am not a spoiled brat, I am just a human trying her best and getting kicked to death and damn it….

I need help.

All I wanna do now is sleep. But then come the nightmares and incessant and I thought this other place was a lock thus helping keep from flipping out but now I have to worry that the old man is gonna stab me in the back again so maybe sleep and nightmares are just as hellish as consciousness.

This isn’t woe is me. We got fucked over from every angle by multiple powers that be and we didn’t deserve any of it. And the one time in our lives when we need a successful fundraiser to help us…FAIL.

I am thankful for the kind soul who made the first donation today. It meant a great deal that you were so kind and generous.

Spook and I could use a few more people like that cos…this isn’t ‘Help pay to neuter my cats’. This is ‘help us get a roof overhead please please please before they take my kid away and I am committed indefinitely cos the human mind can only handle so much, especially when already altered by disorders…

I just…want us to have a home, be together, and start working on rebuilding things. But until the perpetual anxiety, stress, and backstabbing due to lack of funds on top of the depression is lowered from fever pitch…

I am very, very scared. People will take care of my child if I can’t but no one will take care of me, not even the psych professionals whose job it was to make sure I didn’t end up this bad off.

I’ll suck it up, swallow the tears, and be brave and badass tomorrow.

Tonight…I have every reason to feel the way I do.

I just hope it passes cos losing my kid is not an option just because I don’t have $800 laying around to be the more impressive tenant for the landlord.

And also…I hate hospitals, I really don’t want to be signed in, voluntary or otherwise.

I just need one or two things to go right, to help give me strength, to remind me I am a good mom even if I am broke and struggling mentally. Just one or two things, for the love of pegacorn.

Now I am gonna cry and get the toxicity out and hope tomorrow I will be a badass again. Or if I can’t be a badass…at least give me strength to stay afloat, because I love my daughter and she needs me, and I need her. And we need some help.