Archive for fundraiser

Abject Failure Leaves A Bad Taste In Your Mouth, Bad Juju in Your Bones

Posted in depression with tags , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

I failed my daughter thisweek in a major way and it’s taking days to figure out how to live with myself. Yesterday I was under the post Seroquel haze and everything was pissing me off and I just wanted to sleep, except it was the day the clocks went back so that meant another hour of conscienceness. I skipped the shit last night but I woke six times and always had to add more melatonin to get back to sleep. Least this morning I didn’t need a tow truck to get my ass out of bed like yesterday. I was awake 90 minutes yesterday but not even a full bladder overcame the Seroquel haze. (And yet I have a friend on 300 mg and she’s doing wonderfully at functioning, wtf?) I’m just finding my mind overloaded now that I got the Seroquel haze out of my system, though in light of failing my kid, I suppose numb and pissy was better than being all tearful and self pitying.

I guess on the level of parental failure, I didn’t let her down any more than many parents have let down their kids, due to financial constraints. I did the math ten ways to Sunday but I couldn’t keep the monthly bills paid AND swing tickets to her dance, the photographer, the snacks, new dress shoes…I had to tell her I couldn’t take her and while she didn’t go as batshit violent as I expected, she was putting on a brave face saying it was okay. It’s Not fucking okay that her deadbeat dad gets away with zero responsibility and zero guilt and I have to shoulder all of it while trying not to lose my damned mind. I really did want to take her to that dance and show that even if you don’t have a dad active in your life, one good parent can make up for having a really shitty one. FAIL. I am not even good at begging for money through fundraisers, what a hoot. I can’t find work, can’t get the court system to work for her and make his ass trashiness pay, I went NINE days without a bath and just finally broke this morning…

I know a couple of readers appreciate my honesty is just how nasty depression is but for those who just cringe and think me lazy…Fuck you. I am fighting my hardest here. And it’s not helping that even doing my best results in failure and feeling like I should just do the kid a favor and off myself…Except what good would that do her, what, suddenly the donor will give a damn about her if I am dead? And hey, if that is the case, then that fucker’s more mental than I will ever be.

Which today I am feeling pretty mental, the house is a mess, my kid is at grandpa’s but it’s cold, windy, and pouring rain so snapping out of the depression (god i hate that’snap out of it’ bullshit) isn’t likely gonna happen.

I bathed and put on clean clothes, it’s just gonna have to be enough and I am gonna have to find a way to make up to Spook for the missed dance except…I’m just trying to keep the rent paid and heat turned on here and there is no self pity, just utter fucking frustration. WANTING to work and earn money is not the same as someone giving you a job to do that and help yourself. Not that the world cares that small areas like this one are not reaping the so called economic growth of the job market that some poltiical entities want to spew…

Not to mention my own doctor wouldn’t sign off on me being stable enough right now but again, no one cares, it’s just me being lazy and not trying hard enough.

I can live with letting down my family, friends, the world at large…but failing Spook, that’s a deep wound I can’t live with well. Telling a 9 year old you did your best is about as useful as telling society you’re doing your best.



Why Some Have Fundraisers? Because you can’t put a gun to someone’s head to hire you!

Posted in depression, fundraiser with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about all the scammers out there ripping people off and it turned my stomach. But that was going on long before there ever was an internet,sadly. It is a vile aspect of human nature that many have no conscience and will take the last dime from an elderly woman or a morsel of cookie from the mouth of a toddler. Because of assholes like that, the people like me and Spook who are only asking for help because the law favors deadbeats who don’t pay their court ordered child support, are the ones who get ignored and left to lose what little we have and go hungry.

It’s not a sob story. It’s our life. And while I get people’s reticence to donate because it ‘could be’ some elaborate scheme…I really wish I could give you all a look into our living situation. We live in a house so old, it has skeleton keyholes on the door lock and one electric out in the living room and bedrooms. The carpet is comprised of cheap remnant squares so when I vacuum I end up having to put them back into place. We have a bathtub with a sink faucet so we can’t even attach a shower sprayer. We drive a 2001 car that cost $450 at an auction my dad got it from. This laptop I am writing on this moment? It was a freebie someone left behind at the shop when I was being R’s marionette and my nephew got it working for me. Both of our LCD tvs? Bought used for $110 total a couple years back.

And don’t get me wrong, we are happy to have as much as we do cos it’s more than many have, but it kind of says that we’re not lap of luxury scammer types. I have no intention of letting the donor get out of paying support but the law is on his side in how much time he has to find a job, how long before he has to start paying, and with holidays and winter heat bills coming…I’m terrified. The only thing I have been able to take pride in is that since he walked out 7 years ago, I’ve kept a roof over my kid’s head and the power on. And I did it mostly without ever having to have a fundraiser unless it was unexpected thing like car breakdown, cat illness, or bug infestation.

When we were forced to move, though, we picked up expenses we didn’t have in the trailer park. Water and sewer and trash, which sucks up what little cushion I had without child support. Not to mention gas because now it’s a 20 miles trip to town and back for appointments and grocieres. I purposely stayed in that nasty trailer park where the furnace was broken more than it worked because I knew if the donor ditched out on paying, I could manage the monthly bills, just barely. This move was not our idea, and a raise in expenses was not what we wanted. Originally the place we found was $50 less in rent so I’d have been able to swing it. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until moving day that we learned the elderly landlord had already rented that place to someone else cos he forgot he rented it to us and we got stuck with, yes a bigger place and house, no less, but higher rent and expenses. Believe me, this was not what I wanted, it was just necessity.

Since the move, I have tried to offer up my services as a babysitter, dogwalker, someone to clean house or run errands. I tried the rural gas stations. The only reason I could get pet supplies is that my stepmom and my dad let me do some dishes and fill out mileage reports for extra cash but when harvest ends, they won’t have the excess income to do that so it’s not a lock. I even tried submitting for a writing position in a local freebie rag and was rejected. We had a yard sale and made less than $8.


That has always been the infuriating thing for me, especially in a rural area where jobs are scarce. If there are 2 positions open and 300 people apply…it’s a safe bet the disabled person with an unstable work history is not going to be in demand. And since we moved to Armpit, the fact is, this is a closeknit country community and Spook and I are outsiders. I think you have to be a natural born redneck and live here ten years before they start viewing you as anything else. And because of my anxiety and mood issues, any work I do first will need the doctor to sign off so I need something off the books cos ain’t no way the doctors-any of them- will guarantee my stability since I’ve had such a bad year with medication and stuff.

So, oh wise ‘get a job’ people…Please do tell me the magic secret.

Or…be a decent human being and just visit the campaign, read our story, click the share button. Donate $5. Don’t want to do cash? Drop me a message and ask what we need, you can have it sent to directly to us unless of course, you think cat food and toilet paper and dish soap are items that make us scammers.

I have nothing to offer right now but words and the fact this blog has been here 7 years and the story never changes because the truth never changes.

On second thought…how about pics of our adorable kittens if for no other reason than the cuteness makes you go awwwwwww. Kitten pics are a popular thing, right?

That is Spook with Pandora.

Spook with Enderman (she named it, some Minecraft thing.)

This is Heathen.

And this is Lacuna.

We took in the mama cat, Tabbytha, after her owner left her outdoors in 95 degree heat for over a week without food or water. My sister rescued pregnant Tabby and tried to place her elsewhere but even the no kill shelter was full. I didn’t have the heart to let her go to the pound so Spook and I took her in and 3 days later she had those adorable babes.

Taking in pregnant cats doesn’t sound like something a heartless scammer would do, does it?

Oh, damn. I just realized- I was in a psych ward so by state law I can never legally own a gun therefore…I can’t hold a gun to an employer’s head.

C’mon, guys. I am TRYING.

Everything I do is for my kid and cats.

I’m batty for them.

Handout and Hand Up Are NOT The Same Thing, People

Posted in fundraiser, mental illness with tags , , , , , , , on October 6, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

So season six binge watching a show that is comedy yet the lead character is a staunch Republican talking down on anyone who doesn’t share his ‘tough love’ mentality has brought me to the conclusion that…

People need re-educated. Sure, the internet has been a fertile breeding ground for scam artists and fake fundraisers and maybe some people are just jerks or lazy. In my case, I am disabled, but thanks to more brainwashing by the right wing agenda, I feel like I could be missing my head and still be considered lazy and ‘asking for a hand out.’

I’m done with drinking that Kool-Aid. We spent 4 hours in the cold gloom and rain today having a yardsale to buy groceries for the week and made $3.85 between my and Spook’s stuff. So the ad cost $3 and the pricing tape cost $1, plus all the gas hauling stuff to dad’s…My effort to ‘help’ us cost us money. I guess that makes sense to some people but whatever, if that is you, you can click the little x and leave my page.

I changed our campaign story so I am asking, kindkly, for people to revisit the link above and read the amended version. I finally know what I want to do for a living and it’s going to take some seed money, at a time when we just lost money we’re legally entitled to-yet the law is on the donor’s side so who knows how long til support is restored.

I am asking for HAND UP, NOT A HAND OUT. Help me forge this new path for myself so the only fundraising I ever have to do is for orphaned pets and sick children. An on line resell business may not make us rich but it would definitely be something I would be very good at and as long as we can scrape by doing that we won’t have the extra stress of ‘is the child support gonna be there or not?” Because twice in 13 months he’s stiffed us. Give me a hand up so I can become something my daughter can be proud of. I want desperately to do this thing.

View it like this: I already know how to fish, but I can’t afford bait. Help me buy some bait so I can do my own fishing for a living.

And if you still can’t be bothered to click the like button, visit our page, click share, or donate a fiver now…You’re probably not a nice person and we’d never hit it off so leave my page, please.

I will never ever in a gazillion years become of the mentality ‘all people are lazy scam artists’.

Today I took a toy I could have sold for a $1 as it was brand name but instead, I let my dad’s dog fetch it and she went bonkers, making it squeak. Making the dog happy made me feel happy and I forgot about the dollar I might have been able to get. Because even when you’re in need, sometimes, doing something kind feels pretty damned good. Least til they make kindness illegal, anyway.

Now I am gonna try to get the sleep I did not get last night because I was stressed out, turn around and do it again in the morning, when it’s supposed to be pouring and thundering from 1 a.m. til Sunday morning. Maybe I’ll profit by a quarter and I can call someone who cares. Oh, wait, my bad, that was a Travis Tritt song from the 80’s or 90’s.

Spending time with my redneck faction of my family brings out all these country music references I thought I’d long forgotten. Make it stop!!!!!!!!!

My Brain Hurts, Book My Lobotomy, Please

Posted in anxiety disorders, child support, depression with tags , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

It’s been a long day of finding out I am represented by an utter buffoon who knew two weeks ago the donor was not working yet failed to tell me. He was pretty proud that he’s tried to call and email the donor, to no avail, as if that helps with our loss of income. I called the state, public aide, I posted on my other blogs (batshit rantings here…Tried to keep my cool but I couldn’t even enjoy the premieres of my fave shows. I am worried sick about keeping my kid fed and the heat on and my hives have hives but I have no antihistamines…

I made a fundraising page and have yet to even get a share, let alone a donation, which I find frustrating. Especially after watching the utterly disgusting Kavanaugh portion of today’s hearing in which he exhibited all the wit, charm, and self possession of an Alsatian hound after a head swap operation. (Red Dwarf anyone?) People donate tens of thousands to these nasty politicians of every side even when they behave like spoiled little bitch boys (Dr Ford held herself with dignity,imho) but I can’t garner interest for something out of my control that impacts not simply me, but my child.

I have a whole rant about stuff I learned today but I am just wiped out. And ready for 2018 to stop kicking my ass. Mostly right now I’d give a kidney for about 100 mg Claritin, my hives are getting hives and the itching is driving me fucking mad.

Click Spook’s pic and at least share our story on social media if you can’t donate. We were starting to see the light of day, this was brought on us by someone whose actions we can’t control. Asking for help is our only option and a share counts for a lot.

Swallowing Your Feelings Is Akin To Drinking Drain Cleaner

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , on July 2, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Last 2 days have been stress overload. Some triggered, some…my new life in Armpit near my overly stressful dad’s faction. But I find myself forcing down my feelings to the degree it feels like I may as well be downing shots of drain cleaner and waiting to keel over. I know that anxiety and depression often lend to irrational feelings that cause an overreaction but some things kind of warrant a reaction. In my current financial position, it’s an option I don’t often get to exercise because, geesh, I owe, I owe, family, landlord, upcoming school clothes and supplies. In another crushing blow today, I found out the local center that usually helps with summer cooling bills has no funds so they won’t be doing that this year and running the AC is gonna put us under to the point of disconnect. I’ve not gotten a disconnect notice in 7 years since the donor left us high and dry so this option simply isn’t desirable.

Yesterday one of the car windows wouldn’t roll up during a torrential downpour and my dad went off on me because I rolled the window down in the first place. It was broken when he gave me the damn car, works sometimes, sometimes doesn’t. He ordered me to use the AC instead of rolling down the windows but when the car gets hot so easily, that just seems bloody ignorant. On and on he went, lecturing me like some dumbass teenager, not hearing a word I said, and because I owe them I have to bite my tongue until there are so many tooth holes in it, you could strain spaghetti. I did thank my stepmonster for fixing the window (sort of, least it went up so I don’t have to drive around with a trash bag on the window) and not yelling at me…but then she went off on my kid for rolling the window down and said she was going to ‘beat her ass right in front of your mother.’ At that point, I DID speak up and said I got no problem grounding her, standing her in a corner, taking away TV and tablet…But NO, you are NOT gonna spank my kid, you redneck sadist.

We went to town today to try and pay rent. Landlord wasn’t home, won’t return my calls, so I sit here, nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, not knowing if he’s gonna pop in at some random point or charge me a late fee or…who knows what. My kid went into gasping “I want!” and complain mode while we were in town, sticking so close to me I tripped like 5 times and was at my breaking point. Got home only to get a call within moments that dad and crew were on their way to mow the lawn. Ya know, I’d like to think it’s because they care but he reminds me EVERY time that they’d get $50 per mow from everyone else. 6 years at the trailer they never once mowed my lawn. Then again, they hadn’t vouched with their good buddy that I’d be a good tenant. They care what this landlord thinks since they did vouch for me so they only mow it so I don’t make them look bad. Sound cynical? I wish it was.

Then my dad started in on how they are gonna be so busy the 4th cos they were invited to a hog roast, then to their neighbor lady’s soiree and Spook was, too, but…not me. I did nothing to these people! And hey, hanging out with redneck strangers may not be my cup of tea but this gloating how popular they are with the locals seems a lot like reminding me that I’m an outsider. Normally, I am fine with this. BUT they’re taking my kid from me on a holiday and they robbed me of saying no by asking in front of her and she wants to go cos other kids will be there so if I say no-and we can’t afford to do anything- then I am boring, mean mommy.

I am grateful for their help, the lawnwork, but damn, they just seem hellbent on making it clear my kid would rather be with them and I am not accepted here. And I can’t fathom what sadistic father would want to do that to his own daughter but then, some of the atrocities parents have perpetrated on their kids…guess mine is a lightweight. Still pisses me off.

But our errand into town is done, the mowing and family interacting is done, and now I just gotta wait for the landlord to ninja visit or call. (Will phones ever stop making me panic????) Oh, and of course, the wild card of dad visiting and by now I’m 1.5 mg in on Xanax so I’ll probably be perceived as too calm thus on something like booze or drugs. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh. Pre-spawn, I gave zero fucks. Now that I am in the position where she could be taken away from me even on rumor or wrong assumptions…Yeah, now I kind of care but I can control medication impact no more than I can control hypomania. It happens and compared to days of old…this is child’s play. Seroquel and TRazadone had me sleeping 14 hours a day and nursing a hangover the other ten so I was loopy as fuck. This is an improvement.

So much as I don’t like doing it…I am gonna mention our fundraiser again.

At least I have the decency to not feel good about asking strangers for help.

Half the time I wake up to 3 a.m. religious infomercials where some preacher is promising to plant seeds of hope for people who donate $15 or more. Some poor woman said she couldn’t spare it that month and he bullied her by saying, “If I offered to sell you my BMW for fifteen dollars, could you get it then?” She said probably, and he said, “See, it’s just the desire to want to do it.”

Fuck you if you’re a preacher and driving a BMW while begging your parishioners to give money that might just mean they don’t get their medication or groceries for a week. These ‘Godly’ folks are frauds, they are out for themselves, and worse, they do it in God’s name. THEY are the ones who should feel ashamed, not a single disabled mom with a small child. Unfortunately, the world is such an obscene place these days (and as far as TV preachers are concerned, always has been) so I’ll be the one called a fraud out to scam people when I drive a $450 car and wear clothes with rips and tears so I can make sure my kid doesn’t. Yep. I am the devil.

Just a share. $5. Whatever it takes to get us caught up.

You may not know us and you may think it’s a scam but you have 6 and a half years of my archives you can read and you will find only inconsistency of my stability mentally. My story has never changed because that’s how the truth is.

Mother’s Day, Fundraising, Hypomania, And Soft Kitty,Warm Kitty

Posted in fundraiser, mental health with tags , , , , , , on May 11, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Share if you care, it costs you nothing but a click on social media

YEP. Another fundraiser. But before you exit the page, would you let me explain how I have the gall to ask perfect strangers for help?


Spook is the only thing I’ve truly gotten right in my life. Maybe my domestic fairytale didn’t work out as planned, and it’s been a financial clusterfuck courtesy of my own limitations and her donor’s…dumbfuckery…But I don’t regret her for an instant. She is the best of me and the worst of me and loved so very much. Sure, I vent because she’s difficult and stressful but…yeah, that’s my karma cos I got a mini-me. (R.I.P Original Mini-Me, Vern Troyer, hope you found peace, dude.)

So learning that the donor is apparently switching jobs and leaving us in a child support lurch indefinitely…I started another fundraiser, with a modest goal, and we got our first donation this morning! We are so very grateful to the kind soul whose simple act of generosity means we can afford household necessities for a week or two. You are amazing.

And I get it if you’re in a similar boat and can’t donate. But many of you are very active on social media and you could share our story with a click, costing you nothing. It’s still a big ask, but I’ve got a little girl counting on me since I am the only parent she has that gives a damn. I may have given birth, but I had to EARN this.

Sorry I didn’t do a neat presentation but I gotta roll with my current half ass hypomanic state before it pulls a David Copperfield and vanishes. Point is…that little girl may give me hell, but she adores me and counts on me. And I am doing my very best. I even tried to get a summer babysitting job, but alas, the woman went with someone else. I’m not unwilling to make the effort but you can’t point guns at people and demand they allow you to work for money. And I’m not on board with pointing guns at people just demanding they give me money, that’s a felony, I think. Besides…if I could afford a gun, I’d go pawn the damn thing.


Just a share means the world to us.

$500 is the goal I set for these impending, necessary expenses: $325 security deposit (to avoid eviction, which he would be within his rights to do.) $48 car insurance (it will be canceled before my next check comes in if not paid by the 28th.) $100 for gas, household supplies, pet supplies, and a little wiggle room because the move meant losing my library privileges in town. It costs $60 for non residents and since I can’t afford to buy books or well, even go out, reading library books is my one luxury. And yeah, it’s sad that reading and libraries are considered a luxury, living in this town feels more like a punishment than anything because of lack of access to everything cerebral and civilized. I wish flannel and farm machinery popped my rocks but, alas, I want books to read.

I would love to raise a little more than our goal so I could buy a used desktop computer. Both of mine died during the move but they were so old, they still had 3.5 inch floppy disk drives, so I think they served their time well. It’s just difficult to commit to my serious writing on a laptop because I live in terror of overheating them. My last tower cost $55 on ebay so it’s not like I am a spoiled brat. The current laptop I am writing this on was a freebie someone abandoned at the shop and my nephew reformatted it. My other laptop is XP and the fan is broken. There’s no pampered princess thing going on here, just function.

Survival is the goal. Not letting down my kid until I can work something out. There can’t just be one person in this armpit who needs a sitter or housekeeper, but as I am still considered an outsider…finding a way to earn some extra may could take time. And pegacorn knows when I’ll be able to pin the donor down again, he has no problem working, he just as an allergy to that paycheck covering part of his child’s upbringing. (Seriously, Canada, if this is the best you have to offer, take him back.) If he keeps changing jobs, he knows by the time I catch up to him he’s done created enough chaos, time to do it again. Oh, well, he helped make a beautiful spawn.

In case you missed it, I’ve gone hypo. I was up til almost 3 a.m. Didn’t take melatonin. Did more housework, packed my kid’s lunch, wrote another post…Did not want to go to sleep because ya know, use it or lose it. But I slept 3 and a half hours and now I am still in hypo mode so I am doing the rambling rapid speech (rapid typing?) shuffle. Apologies, but no apologies. OMG, it’s been so long since I’ve felt this good mentally. It’s not that anything great happened but in spite of it all, my mind is…not in the abyss. I LOVE feeling this good.

So soft kitty, warm kitty. Yeah, who doesn’t love good cat pictures? I am fighting for these three, too, they’re our family.

My crappy camera does not do justice for Godsmack’s gorgeous blue eyes.

Hex is outgrowing her box.

Vex looks heavenward and pleads for it to rain tunafish.

And me, the cat sofa, bed, snuggle post, but fortunately, not the litter box.

Remember…SHARE to show you care. Because as shameful as it is for me to ask for help…I am more afraid that not asking for help is a bigger failure of character. I still believe in the good of people.

And the flying spaghetti monster, totally believe in that, too.

Like Good Causes? Read This Post

Posted in depression, gofundme campaign with tags , , , , , on May 10, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Allow me a bit of narcissism here. My daughter and I ARE a good cause.

So as it turns out, after paying for only 2 months, the donor has left his job and is MIA. The loss of child support has turned a precarious financial situation into a dire predicament for my daughter and I. Just when I thought light of day might be seen…he drop kicks us again. Last time he left a job, it took six months for me to find him and turn him into the state because the employer failed to report him as a new employee.(It’s the law and they broke it but nope, no consequences.) So even if he found a different job as opposed to getting fired like last time, he legally has 30 days without a payment before I can pursue him. And what I learned last time is that even with a legal support order, the state does not actively seek these absentee parents out. They sit and wait for an employer to turn in a social security number then the gears start to slowly grind. If I don’t know where he works and the employer doesn’t turn him in..who knows when my kid will get what is due her.

Even before I had a kid, I had a big problem with parents-men or women- who walked out on their kids and refused to even chip in financially without a court forcing them to do so.

Now that I am on this side of the fence, it infuriates me even more. He’s been 77 months (6.5 years) and of that…he has paid about 15 months of support, and that was only after I waited 4 years, giving him the opportunity to step up and do the right thing. He has two other kids he doesn’t support. Yet he thinks he is a good man and moms are unreasonable asking for support as long as he isn’t seeing the kid. I’d make a snarky comment about the mothers of his children having bad taste in men, but that would negate the joy our kids bring us so I won’t got there. I wish my kid had a great dad, but she doesn’t.

She’s got a devoted mom who has been raising her alone 7 years on a disability income, through good, bad, worse, and worse than worse. I ask for very little assistance, don’t even go to Toys for Tots at Christmas, I just budget more tightly, eat a little less myself, whatever it takes to not take charity if I don’t absolutely have to.

If I am having another fundraiser…it’s because it is necessity.

This isn’t your ordinary fundraiser, though.

Yes, we need cash. But we also know how many scammers are out there telling sob stories so they can afford plasma tvs and partying. Spook and I are just as happy with a $20 gift card to Dollar Tree for stuff like toilet paper and dish soap and shampoo. We’re fine with anyone contacting us by email who’d be willing to make out a money order to a utility or the landlord, account numbers and photo evidence provided. There is no scam here, just a strong, urgent need to survive. And I set the goal low- enough to pay off the security deposit so the landlord can’t evict us and a little more to tide over what my income won’t.

I don’t like doing this. I know readers don’t want to hear about it.

But I gotta try even if like the last fundraiser, it’s an epic failure.

I can’t say we’re the best cause. Hell, if I had money, I’d be donating to save endangered tigers and create no kill animal shelters because those are causes that resonate. I don’t expect our cause will resonate with many. But even if half a dozen people say, hey, this family could use a break…That’s more than we can hope for.

Click here or on the picture.

So help, share, wish us luck…Or unsubscribe, whatever. I’ll make no apologies for trying to keep my family afloat. She is worth more than my pride will ever be.