Archive for deadbeat parents

Thou Cannot Rant

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , on April 3, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Have you ever felt that your anxiety and depression are consuming you to the point where you can no longer even work up the anger and frustration to rant?

I am there now. It is not normal for me.

This is depression, lingering seasonal depression, personal situation, overwhelming financial burden. I can’t see any way to get out from under it even I went to work full time this moment. It is stressful and that feeds that depression I already have.

I fear without my usual rants, I will burn alive inside.

Living cremation.

And still, zero fucks are given because my disability is ‘invisible’.

The only reason I have done random rants is because those run a day or two in a row and I only post when I deem it ‘long enough’. Otherwise, even that brings me no joy. I guess I should just throw out my entire identity since that Marie Kondo lady says we can’t hold onto stuff that doesn’t bring us joy because it makes our stuff feel sad.

FML, FTW, and fuck mental health issues.

Stabby Z-Whacking Cabin Fever Pitch

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , on January 20, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I’m not rocking the post titles anymore, but oh well. The winter storm missed us but we got the 35 mph winds and single digit temps so we’re essentially on lock down again this weekend. Armpit even canceled church a second week in a row. I’m about overdosed on my kid’s antics. I felt so guilty for not letting her play with her little friend during the week that I pushed my own boundaries and let him come over for 5 hours yesterday. It was exhausting, all the noise, bickering, demands for food, rowdiness, not listening to me…I was so glad when he left. And he’s not a bad kid but he’s pretty whiny and fussy so he’s the equivalent of three trailer park bratlings. Those kids had barely present parents so they weren’t as needy and dependent. They were, however, far more demanding and backstabbing so I prefer Spook play with C than ever return to what amounted was a free daycare run out of my yard 8 months a year. I just don’t handle stress well.

And neither does she. She’s got cabin fever big time and since it’s like 7 degrees out, with a negative windchill factor, I can’t even send her to play out in the snow like last weekend. Her tablet is fucked up already and everything is boring, it’s like her mantra or something. The complaining gets to me because I am doing my best. The demands get me down because it’s always ‘buy me this when you get the money’. I just got hit with a three hundred dollar heat bill I can’t fucking pay and cover my rent, let alone the other bills. Still nothing with the lawyer and child support. The government shutdown has me ready to scream and slap both sides with a fish cos they are all being dicks and it’s hurting American people who can’t afford this shit.

I am really starting to feel stabby and Z-whacky towards the world at large.

Psych nurse being number one in my circle, and it’s no longer even about the xanax. It’s that she couldn’t even be bothered to return a call and maybe suggest an increase in my antihistamine to ride out the Prozac withdrawal. 3 weeks later, I am still getting a few brains xaps every day, ffs. And I know when I got talk to her, she will refute this, blame the Xanax lower dose, they do this shit to me over and over and over, all of them. But there a million of us who have experienced withdrawal from antidepressants with the brain zaps and still, the pros are in some sort of denial. It makes me feel weak and powerless, which makes me in turn feel like a cornered animal ready to strike out.

I can’t even muster up the anger fueled cleaning state because I did it on Friday and just two days of her being home and having company undid all I accomplished. It seems futile. And the weather is making situational depression so much worse, and the anxiety metastasizes whether triggered or not.

I already forgot the point of this post. To vent, I guess.

And also…DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO HUNT DOWN A CHRONIC DEADBEAT PARENT, DISCOVER WHERE THEY ARE WORKING, AND TURN THEM INTO THE STATE AND THE COURT? I am fed up having it all put on me while he skates scot free, there has got to be a way that I can find him and have him held accountable for his daughter. My dad says I am being naive but he was the idget who told me to pursue child support in the first place when I damn well knew the donor would just make our lives a living hell over it. He didn’t disappoint. If we could just get that support reinstated we would be able to make ends meet. No frivolity but I might actually stop having daily stomach aches and feeling so angry and betrayed and salty towards a system that doesn’t fucking keep its word to help kids get what is owed to them.

Once again, I am back to ‘is it bedtime yet’ mental space and my kid is sick of me being so tired that it means an early bedtime for her but I’m up every two hours and I am not getting any decent rest in spite of 18 mg of melatonin (spread out over the night.) I’m exhausted and beaten down and I want to rip off heads and put them on spears but…I am too damn tired to even follow through on my own anger. Which is probably good cos heads and spears usually means jail time and I don’t need that but…

It boggles my mind how little it would take, in the grand scheme of some people’s income, to get me and Spook ahead of this shit so we might have a chance to flourish. $2000. That’s it. But I can’t even get a payday loan, let alone that much, so I just worry incessantly about feeding her, the cats, how bad the house smells cos I can’t afford clean litter very often…I turned the heat down but now I feel cold all the time and it probably won’t bring the bill down six bucks but I have to cut corners wherever I can. It’s so frustrating to see people who are able to shell out hundreds of dollars for clothing or vacations or just happy fun ball stuff, yet we’re actually a worthy cause cos we didn’t do this to ourselves. This was done to us.

Yea, I know, my shitty choice in sperm donors, my responsibility.

Maybe I’ll just prioritize the psych nurse as being smacked with a fish and save the spear-heading for the donor. See what I did there?

My warped humor is all I have left but I am sure given enough time, the powers that be will try to rob me of that, as well.

FML, FTW.

That useless piece of shit man loving country lawyer my uncle foisted on me is going on the Z-whack list. He has done more to coddle the donor than help my child and for that…he deserves a spiked baseball bat to the head lesson on how to not be a sexist pig. If I were pulling the shit the donor has, my ass would have done been put in jail.

Gahhh. I need a punching bag or something, the anger and frustration are just overflowing here.