Archive for cats

Let’s Barf Some Rainbows

Posted in animal lovers, anxiety, depression, pet therapy with tags , , , , , , , on October 1, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Not yet 10 a.m. and I have already hung a load of laundry out to dry, washed my bedding, bathed, put on clean clothes and bothered with a hair clip and earrings. I didn’t even have a bad sleep night. I did wake up a lot but all in all…I stayed up til 11 p.m. which makes me wonder if maybe early bedtime just isn’t what works best for me. It also occurred to me that one of the worst things for me has always been…waking up. It was always so much easier to just stay awake and survive on a couple hours of sleep. Slowing down is the enemy, at least til I run on empty a few days and crash hard from exhaustion.

Spook and I watched 0-1-1 together last night. Watching TV with her is misery. She never shuts up and she starts shrieking during the tense scene then runs to the other room and it’s like…chill, dude. Then I watched Prodigcal son (one of the best new shows of the season, second only to Emergence) and lousy mom I am, I let her watch it with me. Yeah, yeah, serial killer show for a ten year old near bedtime, bad mom, but…that was my childhood and I survived. I know it’s all fake and I have impressed that upon her. I think the true monsters are just average people with evil in their blood.

Speaking of evil in the blood…I started watching season 3 of The Good Fight and omg, there was this scene that made me laugh and cheer. It’s where Christina Baranski’s character is laying in bed with her ballistics expert husband who went on a hunting trip with Eric and Donald Trump jr so he had a hella bruise on his shoulder and he signed an NDA so he couldn’t tell her which one shot him. And she is laying their awake, staring at that buckshot bruise, and it turns into Trump’s face and voice and she is just livid and filled with self righteous dread and it was just…hysterical.For a drama.

And to brighten everyone’s day…how about I barf some rainbows in the form of cat pictures of our 4 week old kittens.


This is Eclipse


This is Ember.


This is Sage.


And Pasha.

Now I am gearing up for a trip to town. Little nervous that my money hasn’t come in but technically, it isn’t due til the third, I just have direct deposit debit so it’s usually there 2 days early. Maybe after 1 p.m. Still, we are down to three sheets of toilet paper so a trip to town is necessary. That and my script refills, geesh, if they send me one more reminder text I am gonna have to throttle them, I get it already.

My kid starts the local church God’s Kids afterschool program today. She went last year but my brother was involved so he took her and brought her home. This year, since he works 15 hours a week, he is too exhausted to be involved so I arranged for the bus driver to drop her off by the church and she begged me to let her walk home before it gets too cold and dark too early so…I am cutting the apron string but I don’t like it. It plays hell on my anxiety. The teen years are gonna be my undoing. For now…I’ve got to start letting her grow up a bit. Unless she screws me over and lollygags around town cos her friends do then we are going to have war. Anything that prolongs my anxiety means war.

I shall leave you with this adorable image I found on Google cos Spook asked me to email her something.

P.S.
Do not try this at home kids, but if my mood seems to be improving…it is because I quit Zoloft and switched to my Prozac stash. It’s too early to tell for sure but the fact I am no longer wishing for death every morning and night…I’d say it’s an improvement. Again, always talk to your doctor before doing anything of this sort but then again, if your doc won’t listen, like my NP…Yeah, don’t do as I do, I am a terrible example. But…I am feeling a little better so I will take it and if I am wrong…I will do a mea culpa later. Happy Tuesday 🙂

Sad Day

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , on August 12, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Well, it is indeed a sad day for us. My dad just hauled away our six kittens since the powers that be in Armpit were bitching about too many cats. It broke my heart but I knew I had to get it done to avoid further trouble with the village and neighbors and at least this way, they are getting a home on a huge farm where the farmer likes cats and feeds them well. I couldn’t bear for them to go to the pound and the only no kill shelter never has room for cats. I also wanted to do it before Spook got home because I know it’s gonna upset her something fierce.

I did keep three of my big cats. Two were okayed as outdoor cats when we moved in by the landlord (and I can’t be disloyal to the ones who came first) and the other kind of comes and goes between here and the neighbor lady who loves cats. It already feels so lonely. The kids across the street loved coming over to sit in the yard and play with the kittens. I know, too many cats is a bad thing, but they stayed in our yard and hurt no one. I was gonna try to find them homes like I did for the others but no one wants plain cats. The white blue eyed ones were snatched up fast. Truth is, the plainer ones had better more loving personalities. But I trust this farmer, he has taken our cats before when I was taking in strays and dad has taken some of their kittens there and from what I understand, all are still alive.

I really enjoyed going outside to feed them every day and talking to them and getting nuzzles. Not that my indoor cat Godsmack isn’t lovey dovey sometimes. But I do think she is lonely by herself. Not much I can do about it, according to the lease. And above all else, I have to keep my kid sheltered so losing the place, no matter how much I hate it, isn’t an option. So while I feel relief they have a home and won’t be swooped up by the pound…I am also very sad. Spook is gonna spaz out, but knowing her, it will pass quickly and she will vent her hatred on me but then she will move on. I feel shitty cos I told her she could keep one outside but thanks to the buttinskis in this hell hole, no go.

I’m not a farm person and I don’t like living in Bumfuck, let alone the country, but when it comes to my cats…I’d love to live far enough away from assholes who complain so they could just roam and we could still have our babies. I know I am in the wrong, but damn, my dad has like 8 cats inside, my sister has like 11. But they own their homes so it’s different, I guess. And since I am such a shit housekeeper, I guess having more than one cat would be overwhelming long term.

Sorry to keep flood posting, but my brain is very busy today and my emotions are really tumultuous. My anxiety just keeps rising even without major triggers. I even asked dad to bring Spook home since they were going to town. I was dreading the trip to town cos of the bad juju in my gut so this spares me the stress of that. Spook was unhappy when she found out but whatever, she will survive. Now…to accomplish more than just running the hell machine called a vacuum and filling ice cube trays. Don’t need a magic 8 ball to say it’s not looking good, thanks to this damn panxiety keeping me in my safe space. I call it the ‘deer in the headlights’ state. You know something’s coming and should move, but you’re frozen there and splat.

I miss our kitties already. Pet therapy is the best therapy of all and now…It’s for the best, I gotta keep telling myself that. Even if I can’t make myself totally buy it. Because my heart is bigger than my brain when it comes to cats and we were very close to these babies. Seeing them go…hurts. And it just fucking sucks.

Fear The Phones

Posted in anxiety with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Since I signed up for job sites and furthering education sites, my phone has been blasted with calls from all over the bloody country. This is not merely annoying, it is borderline traumatizing for someone with a phone phobia. Now I am not saying the sight of a phone makes me shrivel and I can’t use one. It is perhaps the noise, the potential for bad news or harrassment, the unknown, plus the fact I am on a prepaid plan so those pesky calls cost me minutes which translates into money…

I need my cell phone because I am terrified of my car breaking down on the interstate since we are stuck in Bumfuck, Armpit. It is for my peace of mind, the safety of my child, and yes, my convenience should I CHOOSE to place a call or receive a call. All these random numbers from both coasts where I know no one so there’s no reason to be calling me-and they never leave messages so I know it’s spammers or robo calls…It just lends to the anxiety.

And my dad is constantly calling me. That adds to the panic because he NEVER has anything positive to say about me, he just criticizes and mocks me and prattles on about his family, his life, never giving me a chance to get a word in edgewise. And on the rare occasion I do get a word in, he just dismisses it and keeps talking about himself and his family or his job or his neighbors. One day he called like 5 times. He’s a pain in the ass. But if I don’t answer the phone, the next thing I know he is driving by the house, thinking the worst, that maybe I went bonkers and hurt myself and my kid. (Yeah, he has lots of faith in me.) When he isn’t working, he’s like a fucking phone stalker and it drives me nuts. I live for the days he works til evening and the calls are few and far between. What truly irks me is that he can almost never get my sister on the phone but he doesn’t go storming her damned door. He invades my peace, my privacy, and he gives zero fucks. Which is why the only time he does NOT call is when he’s going to darken my doorstep unannounced and that is even more traumatizing than the phone stalking. I’ve tried to talk to him, to stepmonster, but they dpn’t care that it is upsetting and downright rude.

Today the stepmonster called to tell me I am in the hot seat with the village for having too many cats outside. Like we haven’t tried to find homes for them. I won’t see them go to the pound. Hopefully she keeps her word and talks to this farm lady she knows who loves cats and might take them in. This is a woman who provides her cats with a heated water dish during winter so the water doesn’t freeze up so I know they will be well cared for.

But I am still pissed cos stepmonster and dad have twice as many cats roaming their yard, and my neighbor has 9 cats that come and go inside and out. Why am I being singled out? And of course, stepmonster had to get a dig in. “We gotta get this taken care of, we have to keep you in that house.” There are days when they stress me out so much, and the cost of this place and its isolation that make me think getting thrown out would be doing us a damn favor. I know that isn’t logical thinking, but damn, these people are toxic and you can’t divorce family. I’ve tried. Now that I have the grandchild, they won’t piss off or leave me be. If they just wanted to spend time with her and not speak to me beyond hello, I’d be good with that.

Phones are eeevil. I’ve said it for years because I find them so upsetting. They are there for MY convenience. If I choose not to answer a call, I should not be subjected to the door being stormed like I haven’t answered in days. Geesh, miss two calls and they start melting down. I hate being tied down to a phone, it reminds me of my time as R’s prisoner when he even expected me to take the damn thing to the bathroom so I wouldn’t dare to miss his calls. My life feels a lot like a prison at times because people impose their will on me without regard to how damaging their behavior is to my mental state. I am supposed to consider everyone else’s feelings yet no one gives a damn about mine.

Okay, I am ranting and panicking and getting pissed off the more I rant. Time to take a step back and breathe. And wait for dad to call later and start in on me about my messy yard, too many cats, blah blah blah. 46 years old and he still insists on infantalizing me then going “Grow up.” How about you back the fuck off and let me have my own life with some damn peace of mind and privacy and the right to not answer your every call simply because I’m not up to an hour long tirade about your life where I get not a word in about our lives?

People who don’t play fair is a big trigger for me. Treat others as you want to be treated. So I don’t bug them incessantly, I don’t show up without a call in respect of them maybe being busy or tired, and I don’t critique their yard even if looks like something off Sanford and Son. (Yes,their shed is covered in metal signs and it looks TRASHY but I keep my mouth shut cos it’s their business, not mine!) I am sick of being respectful and minding my own business when others won’t reciprocate. I don’t know how that couldn’t be a trigger.

To quote Slipknot, people=shit. And some of them do.

Cremated Uncured Bacon, A Bath, And A Literal Cat Nap

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I despise burned bacon. I do not even like it crisp. So starting my Thursday with a wasted package of bacon turned blackened dog chew toy tough sucked. Plus side, uncured bacon does not taste that much different than other bacon. I managed to feed myself before night time, that’s a rarity. I was disappointed, though, because I watched it closely and checked it every 5 minutes but still, my ass trash ‘too old to even have numerical thermostat’ oven ruined it. Even the cats rejected it.

I bathed, that time of the week, ha ha ha. I am actually bathing 2, 3 times a week now since Abilify/season changes. It’s still not ideal but it’s improvement. Though the sense of accomplishment was accompanied by the thought, “Ugh, fuck, I’m just gonna have to do this again Saturday before the wedding debacle.”

I suffered through restless mind syndrome some more, too tired to even get properly sleepy. Then I did get properly sleepy so I curled up in bed and before I knew it, I’d nodded off with two kittens on either side of me and one asleep on my leg. The literal and proverbial cat nap. Waking up and trying not to roll onto them and get up without crushing them was like a geriatric game of Twister.

I even got a bit of a giggle out of the day when putting the spawn into the bath. She wanted to shave her legs since she is wearing a dress as flower girl for the wedding Saturday without tights. As I supervised her, she asked me, “Do you have to comb your leg hair if you don’t shave and it grows long?” Ermagod, that made me laugh, hard. She is so bloody funny without meaning to be. Those are the mom moments that balance out all the hellish battles, the tantrums, the mood swings, the fussing, the hypochondria…She then asked me why men don’t shave under their arms and shave their legs and I told her because society is misogynostic on such matters though some men, like cyclists and swimmers, do shave their body hair. Personally, I think all men should shave to an extent but there are some women who dig the Yetti thing. Eww.
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2:11 a.m. Friday 5/17

I’ve been up since 11 p.m. I’m just doing catnaps now, it seems, so my days feel like they are neverending. But until I am good and sleepy and relaxed, trying to force it stresses me out worse and makes it more impossible. I would love 7 solid hours of sleep. I should have gotten it as I took 10 mg melatonin, 0.5 xanax, 50 mg Atarax and 100 Benadryl. If that doesn’t put you down and keep you down, well, it certainly attests to it being a sleep disorder as opposed to some personality issue. And when I get soooo tired and sooo sleepy that I nod off without meaning to…

That is a beautiful headspace. Beautiful also is waking up and feeling slightly recharged rather than like I’m only a third way through the marathon.

Today is grocery day. Aside from Jonesing for a fountain Dr. Pepper and take and bake pizza, I have no major enthusiasm for a trip to town. My kid will be spending the night in town with my sister so they can gussy her up for the murder, er, wedding, Sat morning.

I’ve been wondering if everyone’s been yapping about, “Oh, I hope Niki doesn’t wear anything to weird.” Because yes, a t-shirt and leggings is totally weird. I do love being underestimated, though. If they assume I am not bright enough to discern appropriate clothing then they’ve earned the disdain with which I view them. I even printed out a mantra for my wall reminding me they have the self awareness of an empty chair and I need to stop giving them permission to make me feel inferior. I’ll let you know if it cures me, kinda like when god gives you lemons but…

I saw that on a t-shirt before my mom’s bad mammogram came back but it still applies. Optimism does not cure illness.

I am gonna try to pawn some DVDs today so I can buy a bag of cat food. There’s only one shop though and he pays like a quarter a disc so even my 16 disc Forenisc Files set won’t get me too far IF he’d even buy it. My dad asked me why I don’t sell my electronics. Hmm, well, because they’re so old and outdated, they are literally worth more to keep than try and get a dollar value out of.

I’d like to ask why I can’t manage a successful fundraiser to get my kid her vacation and get my own ebay storefront going, using all the loot I find secondhand. I think I could rock that casbah but they don’t give small business loans for it and they wouldn’t give me a loan anyway as my credit score more resembles a euphamism for the daily time to get high. The more I think about it, though, the more the ebay thing appeals to me. I’m running into walls and bleeding out trying to fit into society’s cookie cutter system and that one mistake keeps fucking me over…Being my own boss would be about perfect. I have the retail skills. I know I could make a go of it if I could keep the monthly bills paid and focus solely on the business. That is my dream, people. To sell shit on ebay.

You say pathetic, I say desperate not to be a cog in a wheel that does not even want me…

It’s 2:30 a.m., I took another slow cocktail of antihistamine and melatonin but my mind is not slowing down an iota and sleep seems like a far away mirage. However, the cats napping on my bed are very real. Someone may as well lay in it and sleep.

I sure as hell ain’t able to do it.

Have A Laugh For Turkey Day

Posted in depression, humor with tags , , , , on November 22, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Fade…out…

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Quick post to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to those who donated today and were uber generous. Now I don’t have to choose between paying the water bill, insuring the car, and buying food for a week. Words just can’t speak how much it miss to Spook and I.

That being said…we are far from out of the woods and I hate the ‘needy bitch’ syndrome as much as the next person…If I didn’t have a kid, I probably wouldn’t be lobbying so hard on this fundraiser. But I found out today, through two different sources, that there are AMAZING DECENT PEOPLE OUT THERE and while, they may not know my daughter and me…they gave with their minds and hearts and…wow, just wow. YOU GUYS ROCK!

So until child support is restored…I am gonna keep pushing the fundraiser. If this offends you, well…you have free will to leave the page.

And while yes, my child is my primary focus…there is no financial aid here for pets so I am gonna post a pic of my beloved Godsmack doing her thing, giving me a facial with her scratcher pad cat tongue.

And we have 4 kittens about to be weaned so we need transitional wet food and kitten chow so if you wanna help out…you don’t even have to donate cash to the fund. Message me, I will show you a link to the page on walmart.com that sells the cat food we need and the food the newbies need, you can send it directly to our address. Many places also offer e-giftcards sent to your email and we’re cool with that too. Asking for help isn’t easy, no matter what you may think. Spook and I are the proud but tortured owners of mega-consciences so if we’re asking for help which makes us feel worse self esteem wise…

We really need a HAND UP, not a hand out.

Consider it, please.

And now it is time for me to pull an old school Metallica and fade to black. For once, I wish the dreams would have a positive message instead of just reminding me of all my mistakes and how useless I am when I can’t even get work as a dogwalker.

OOOOOHHHH I made it past 10 p.m. before taking my knock out cocktail.

It has been a good day, indeed, courtesy of generous people, thoughtful people, humorous, people, and my own refusal to bend and break no matter what is crushing me.

Final awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww moment.

That is sleepy Miss Lacuna. And yes, she is named after the band Lacuna Coil.

Couldn’t you just O/D on her cuteness?

A Bouquet Of Kittens-ADORABLE 3 WEEK OLD KITTENS

Posted in cat and kitten pictures, depression with tags , , , , , , , on October 3, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

The kittens are almost 3 weeks old and plump as Butterball turkeys. Tabbytha is a great mama.

Soon, she will start trying to wean them and honestly in our current situation…this fundraiser needs to gain momentum, in exposure, shares, donations. I’m gonna have a kid and 4 kittens having a throwdown over who gets to has a cheezburger.

Just read our story before writing us off as another internet scam.

I may use humor and cutesy kid and cat pics but fact is, I am terrified that I am going to fail them because someone else did us wrong. Asking for help is difficult but random acts of kindness make it easy to be grateful even when pride has to be put aside.

My kid and kitties make me happy as they fill me with so much love. It kills me to think that I am failing them in any way when none of this was in my control. So consider a kind gesture like clicking share. Such a simple thing to do and yet so very valuable to those in need.