Archive for bipolar disorer

paranoid much? again

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , , , on June 25, 2014 by morgueticiaatoms

They’ve been doing work on the trailer next door for three weeks. They asked to tap into my power and I said sure.

Now they’re using a weed whacker and mower on my yard, which the landlord does tack on to the rent. I just mowed two days ago and my kid and I were going to go pick weeds tonight when it cools off.

If it wasn’t good enough, I should have been told. I have no intention of submitting to an extra charge as far as the yard work goes. I’m paying the power bill for power they used. I was not informed there was a problem with my yard or given a chance to rectify it. When the office girl was here three weeks ago delivering a memo, she told me my yard was fine and they had no problem with me.

My anxiety, and irritation, are skyrocketing. I could see it as an act of kindness except the management here doesn’t do shit to be nice. The handymen are jerks.

And all this “fixing up” and tending to the lawns they’re doing…gives credence to what my dad said about their unpaid taxes and how they’re probably going to sell the place. They’ve NEVER willingly fixed anything in the 5 years I’ve been here. Hell, the old handyman started drinking at 7 am and everything he did was in a drunken haze and fucked up. Now suddenly appearance is important, blah blah blah.

Something is up. I am betting it has something to do with the landlord’s snooty wife. She probably considers me too low brow and wants me out no matter how she has to drive me to move.

Yeah, the paranoia is in hyperdrive.

It’s like a runaway train I can’t put the brakes on. Logic matters not. My skin is crawling with anxiety and panic bubbles beneath the surface. I can’t move, I don’t have fifty cents saved up. If they sell this place…I’m screwed. The office girl laughed when I asked about the possibility but I don’t act on the assumption that people, especially well off people, are going to tell the truth. Like it or not, people can be deceptive and conniving. If their lips are moving, they’re usually lying. Even if’s just socially acceptable polite lip service on how the meal was good or your outfit looks nice.

I finally get the mood leveled out and now this shit has to barge in and fuck it all up. Ass trash. Massive ass trash. M-ass trash.

Why won’t my brain just COMPLY?