Archive for bipolar disorder

Wiped Out Wednesday

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , on April 17, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

So, on the sucky side…I had my dad on my step before 8 a.m. and he screamed at me because he had to knock twice before I answered my door. “Your house is on fire! It could be, no more attention than you pay to the door.” (I’ve asked and asked for a wireless doorbell for this reason, duh.) He was on my ass to get lawn mowed. I was still in my jammies. Then he volunteered my brother to help me which usually involves me reminding him not to lollygag. He did okay today, and I did 3/4 of the lawn on my own. Was still thankful for the help even if they didn’t do it out of kindness, they had to go out of town and didn’t want him sitting at home on the internet or game system.

I bathed.

I got a call.

It was the same woman from last night who I feared I had scorched earth with my meltdown. She asked me if I could come in at 1 p.m. for an interview today. I agreed, though that damn misdemeanor from 15 years ago on my record keeps screwing me over and it does hamper enthusiasm, on top of my own shame. (You cannot let go of past mistakes when the world won’t let you.) But even though it took me awhile to find as it was in a residential home 6 miles outside of town (15 miles from my house). I found it, didn’t even have a house number so I just guessed between the other house numbers on the mailboxes.

The interview went pretty well. She was laid back and seemed to forive me my trespass last night. She made it clear she can’t do anything for me until I get the state healthcare worker waiver which could take 4-6 weeks but if I get that done and headquarters okays it she said she’d let me get my feet wet as a sub for their regular workers so I could pick my hours and activity level. She was concerned about the panic attacks but I was just honest.

I came home feeling pretty pleased with myself.

Then my dad called and asked how it went and I told him…and he told me to move along, there HAS to be other jobs where my past doesn’t matter. UM, HUH???? I am making an effort and going with who calls me for interviews, ffs. Not to mention his woman isn’t even working part time and is always griping about needing money and she’s so bored just being a housewife…But she’s too good for Mickey D’s or any of the other places I am supposed to force people at gunpoint to interview and hire me. He’s such a hypocrite, but so typical of a narcissist. No matter how well I do, he is always there to shoot me down and remind me I need to do better. Why the rules are so different for his woman and their man child is beyond me. Hell, they let him keep every cent of his check, don’t even charge him for the $8 a day in gas it costs them to haul him back and forth to town. I’m raising a kid alone and I can’t catch a break.

Today he told me I can’t keep driving my car, safely, without 4 replacement tires due mine being dry rotted and about to blow at any time. And it’s like, wtf, with what money I’m just trying to keep the power bill on (try catching up with $870 dollars when your entire monthly income is only $835) and now I am stuck in Armpit because I can’t afford even half decent used tires…I can’t catch a break and every time we seem to get a little one, we get hit with another damn catastrophic expense.

I am exhausted. I need to just zone out, breathe, calm down. So that is what I am gonna do. I’ve earned it.

Gotta make you wonder about the donor not being able to find work for 7 months even with his background in management whereas I’ve at least had a few nibbles since I ventured outside applying only for jobs I have experience with. Methinks the man does not want a job because then he will be forced to support his kid. That is as low as it gets yet he says he’s a good man. Makes me wonder if his derangement is so extreme he needs hospitalized.

We’re still doing the fundraising thing (I’ve noticed the gofundme page says there’s been 0 shares, that’s brutal) but power, tires, and all this other crap…Gotta keep trying. It’s for a noble cause. I am trying to put my life back together.

The quickest option is, of course, our paypal account. (How well does Spook have me trained that so often I refer to everything as ‘ours’, not just ‘mine’?)

A million sporks of gratitude to everyone who has helped, spread the word, given us kind words of encouragement, even helped keep the cats fed and littered when I couldn’t…YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AND WE LOVE YOU ALL.

Now this wicked woman is going to take a rest and shut off my brain for a bit while Spook is at her grandpa’s. I earned a zone out after all I have accomplished this week, and especially today.


The Final Meltdown

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , on April 17, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

*Sorry, aiming for a lil 80’s hair band/Earope/Final Countdown there.
So here is my meltdown from last night. If I look glassy eyed and out of it, it is because I took my evening doses of Atarax, Benadryl, Buspar, and Xanax and was kinda loopy.’

It’s a 19 minute clip of me being repetitve and neurotic and possibly panic-whiny. Be kind.

Off to mow the lawn, allegedly my brother is going to help. My dad is such a control freak showing up at my door at 7:55 a.m. and insisting I must MOW RIGHT NOW. Sometimes it’s easier to just do whatever to make them piss off. And the lawn looks pretty gross. Just hope I can get it done before it rains and hope my brother will just mow instead of caterwalling and lollygagging,I have a 9 year old to raise, I don’t need a 23 year old man child I gotta supervise.

A Brief word on how I further fucked up my life tonight…

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , on April 17, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I am uploading a video to youtube about today but it is so slow going…Might post by noon tomorrow but 3G is what I have so snail-net is my only option.

I have burning the candle at all ends. My interview yesterday went well but due to state law, the lady told me I likely would not get hired and that is not in her hands. Hey, I managed to clean myself up and show, with printed resume and proof of ID per their request so I am making an effort…

Tonight, I made an epic fail that will likely be biting me on the ass for 10 years.

It was 6:30 at night so I thought I was safe from formal calls. My kid was supposed to be wrangling the kittens, but then she came in here and a couple of furbabies disappeared under furniture…then I got a call and it was a number that wasn’t local and I didn’t recognize it and by then, I’d taken 8 spam calls today alone and…I was just combative and said, leave a message after the BEEP and hung up. The same number called back and asked if they had the right number because they were an employer…

And I would have double face palmed if I hadn’t been busy wrangling kittens cos Spook got too wrapped up in TV, then any time the phone rings, she has to be right in my face asking who is it, what do they want, tell them I say hi…

I crumbled. I’m not proud of it but then again, I have never once said I was no longer disabled.

No, lack of money and the donor not paying support and being forced to move to this hellscape, that is why my 9 year run of being able to keep things going has become a no go.I hav nothing against working and earning my keep. But with mental illness saying you’re all cured is like trying to do a job in a walk up building while in a cast and on crutches. You need to make a live, you are willing to try, but you’re just not 100%. Difference being, no one cuts an inch of slack for the mentally disabled.

So…We’re still raising money, we only need a little under $100 for the power to stay on (then I gotta raise another $200 by May3) and I want with every fiber of my being to fire my ass trash woman hating lawyer and get one who is competent which takes money and of course, we need to get our cats fixed and treated for flea and…We’re not doing this to buy luxury items or bilk anyone. e just need help. IF this state and the law did their job and made delinquent parents be held accountable, we wouldn’t be in this position. I am thinking about starting a petition on that whole matter cos it doesn’t matter if you’re a single mom or dad, employed or disabled…No way the deadbeat parent should retain visitation rights yet not contribute to their child’s upbrining in any way. That needs to change.

So…paypal gets the donated money to us faster.

The formal fundraiser takes a few days but it is here.

The video is 39% uploaded over two hours so, yeah, it may post tomorrow. I will let you know but it’s 20 minutes of me all but crying and trying to do myself in by eating shards of glass, so feel free to skip when it does post. IF it does. My 3G phone data will get to 90% or so then say oopsie, upload failed, try again later….Which again makes me want to chomp on glass shards then spit them out like nails from a nail gun….

I need to go kick myself mentally some more for screwing up that employer call earlier. I had to be at my breaking point because I…that isn’t really me. I was even nice to the Jehovah’s Witness lady today who visited yet again….I snapped. And in a small rural area with limited employment…that is gonna be biting me on the butt for years to come.

I didn’t overestimate or underestimate myself. I was quite honest in saying I am not cured, I am not even doing that well, but to take care of my baby girl…I am willing to push myself to the brink and beyond.

Today I just went…over the edge. It happens, and I am truly sorry.

Brain reboot time.

Fundraiser Update:

Posted in depression, health with tags , , , , , , on April 15, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

You can read about it here.

Bottom line, we need about $300 by next Tuesday to keep service, the another $270 by April 2nd. THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS is the only thing keeping us from our goal which is to not lose electricity right now.


The only reason I’ve linked to paypal here is because receiving funds through gofundme can take up to 5 business days and this disconnect notice’s shelf life will expire before that.

Please help us.

Depression, Anxiety, And Poverty Should Be Considered A Viral Epidemic

Posted in employment with tags , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Happy Sunday.

We woke to blowing snow and 32 degrees on April 14th. I shut the heat off as it was in the 60’s yesterday. My kid was unamused to wake up with icicles on her toes.

Today is Doomsday. Not looking forward to a 20 mile drive into town and if the donor is a now show, then I’ve wasted what little gas money I have and will have a despondent child on my hands. If he does show up, it will take every bit of me fighting my own nature to call people for being blatant phonies and liars.

I’d like to say thanks to the people who have helped us a little toward our fundraising goal to keep our power/heat turned on. You guys know who you are and how much it means to me and Spook.

Direct donation or gift through paypal here.

If you want the sordid story and a heartfelt video, that is here on gofundme.

I bathed this morning for the first time in 9 days. I may be a worn down depressive busk and basketcase but I’m not giving the donor the satisfaction of seeing me that way. He’d take credit for ‘destroying’ me when fact is, the depression and anxiety have been plundering me for so long, and with the money problems of him not paying support, and Spook being such a volatile kid…That is what has worn me down this far. Not him. My psyche isn’t so weak as to be deterred by romantic rejection. Been there, done that, keep buying the t-shirt every few years then burning it.

I need to jet by mom’s before our meeting today, she has some black dress flat shoes I can use for my job interview tomorrow. I only own tennis shoes and combat style heavy metal rocker chick boots, so…thank god me, mom, and my sister all have the exact same large ass foot size.

Pretty nervous about the interview tomorrow but the lady told me there could be an issue with my past even if it was over 15 years ago but she’d like to talk to me anyway. If I go in expecting little, I won’t be disappointed to be told ‘thanks but no thanks.’

I’m getting pretty disgusted with the flaming hoops involved in just applying to flip burgers or serve subs. Personality tests, audio clips to grade the customer/employer interaction, video clips in which you get 5 seconds to reply to a hypothetical situation coherently…Starting to feel like you gotta be a brain surgeon to be ‘sandwich artist’ material.

Fonal thoughts…

Yesterday there was a brief moment in which I felt sort of happy with our lives. I get left to my own devices, she has some friends, I get along with parents in a civilized way, we have a home, a car, she has a swingset and a bike and scooter and we have our cats…It’s not always bad. It’s just scary when you think how close you are to losing it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. If I could make my gratitude go viral and infectious, I would.

I have met some amazing kind and generous friends through wordpress and I love you all for being my support system, my friends, and sometimes, even my ‘panic button’ to text when I start crumbling. You guys are pretty amazing and I may not always feel I deserve it, but I sure as hell appreciate it.

There’s the family you’re born with and anyone who reads my blog knows mine is not supportive or very helpful.

You guys here on wordpress are the family I have chosen because you are supportive and helpful and you seem able to cut through the layers of gruff self protection I’ve encased myself in…and you see the troubled but basically decent person inside and you accept and appreciate me for it.

You will never in a million years know how much this means to me and I thank you and send you all the love in the world.

Do Or Die Time-Please Repost, Share, and Help Any Way You can

Posted in depression, employment, health with tags , , , , , , , on April 13, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

job search screen shot

So I started a fundraiser, in addition to setting up paypal
to take donations.

I am also going to put in some photos to show my monthly income, how many months we have been without any child support payments, and proof that I AM looking for work.

We need to be shown some love, guys.

Please please please…This is to keep the power turned on, it’s very important. Plus legal fees, the cost of a new psych doc, and to afford the newer treatments insurance won’t cover…THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Happy Caturday and bless you all.