Archive for anxiety

Homelessness Avoided…Still In Limbo

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , , , on February 23, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Well, we went, we saw, we liked, and the guy agreed to rent us the trailer in Armpit. It’s a nice place, front yard with an awning, back yard, shed- great place for a kid. Near the bus stop for school, near the church, near a playground. The only thing not nearby is the gas station but in a town the size of a gnat even that’s not a biggie.

I survived the anxiety and panic. Afterward, stepmonster took us out to supper, at an actual sit down restaurant, not fast food. Which was a first for me and Spook in…months, maybe a year. It was nice.I wasn’t even in panic mode anymore, I guess after 4 hours of it it kind of burned itself out. Stepmonster even bought me a phone card so I’d have talk to make the necessary calls to set things in motion.

Today I have to call the power company about transferring service. Then I need to go to Salvation Army about them paying the landlord dude a hundred bucks or so towards the deposit. Oddest thing, he balked at this, and said no, then it will become a habit. Um…I’ve not once asked anyone for rent help in 9 years, this is a one and done thing cos well, scumlord screwed us. What kind of person doesn’t want to be given money as long as it’s legal? Country folk, I guess.

He still has a few things he wants to do to the place before we can move in so…in a holding pattern. Hellish limbo. My personality is, let’s get it done already…But just knowing we have a place now is a weight off my shoulders.

Apparently not too much weight, as it is 3:15 a.m and I am awake writing this instead of sleeping. I caught two hours or so, woke around 11:30 and try as though I might, even with half a melatonin and o.5 of xanax…my spinning brain won’t shut up, my heart won’t slow down. I have that ‘rooster hour’ mental haze going on and I would love to catch a few hours before I have to get the spawn up for school and face the day. Yet my body and mind won’t cooperate so I lay down, toss, turn, sit up, wait, lather,rinse, repeat.

Soo much to do to prepare to move. Yet until the place is landlord ready-he needs to check the water pipes for leaks, he wants to shampoo the rugs, etc…Limbo.

It’s not lack of gratitude or refusal to accept a win. My disorder just makes me so anxious over every tiny thing it impacts me on every level. Good or bad. That’s my litmus test when people make me ponder whether or not my disorders are legitimate. Does it just interfere with things I dislike doing? Or does it impact even the things I love? It impacts everything, thus my disorders are real and disabling.

But hey…it’s a win. Having a place to live. Hopefully it won’t cost limbs to heat or cool and we won’t marinate in sweat or freeze our spleens off. OOhhh…sunshine spewage. I must really still be tired and need sleep to regain my usual cycnical sarcasm.

Knowing how my scumbag brain works…I will nod off about a half hour before the alarm goes off.

Then be unable to get back to sleep all day. And have zero energy physically or mentally.

Same old, same old.

But hey… I was starting to check out cardboard boxes for wifi access so..this is a good thing. Even if my panic disorder sucks out all the goodness from it.

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When Panic Arises From Basic Stuff

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , , , on February 22, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

In less than two hours we are off to Armpit riding with stepmonster to look at the pktentially new place. I was okay earlier but now that the clock is ticking closer…my anxiety has blown the roof off the top of my skull. What if he won’t rent to me cos I have zero money til next week? What if I can’t get the power transferred without money up front? What if I can’t get the water turned on cos of lack of money? What if I freeze up from panic and he thinks I am some sort of psycho he doesn’t want living on his property?

What if is a natural question but when it hits irrational heights that cause physical symptoms mimicking physical illness…This is a disorder and it is crippling. For a few moments awhile ago the panic rose so quickly and extremely I honestly thought, “Oh my god, I’d rather just die of an overdose than have to keep going through this for the rest of my life!”

And while extreme, it’s an honest assessment of my feelings. I am fed up with feeling under attack by my own central nervous system. I have tried to ‘unlearn’ anxiety and panic and just breathe and blah blah blah but…I can’t seem to out think the physical aspects caused by my enormous anxiety and ensuing panic. It is a form of torture you can’t understand if you’ve never been there.

Adding to my deer in the headlights terror is the fact I won’t be in my own car, I will be completely at the mercy of dad and stepmonster and they are talkers. They want to shoot the shit for hours and I am more ‘get it done and get back in my safe space’. Being captive to their yakaholism is hellish when your skeleton is trying to escape your skin and you just need desperately to feel safe.

I honestly thought-hoped- I would ‘outgrow’ panic disorder. Anxiety is normal, though my level is psychotic, but the panic attacks brought on by basic grown up things, like an unexpected move and being out of control of my own location, this is not normal. And I can’t seem to beat it, even though the professionals have forcefed me the party line that I can overcome it by changing my reactions and thought patterns. Spoken by people who have never lived every moment in a state of terror for no logical reason to their own chagrin.

I just want this over with. Then I just want to get moved and move on. Limbo is not a good place to be for anxiety disorder. Yet right now I am at the mercy of others and in a holding pattern, stuck in don’t stop, don’t go mode. I loathe it. If I could kick its ass and punch it or shoot it, I would in a heartbeat. This disorder limits every aspect of my existence no matter how hard I fight, the only variance is the extremity of the panic.

45 years of this, and possibly another 20…I think wanting it to just stop is pretty normal.

Unfortunately I’m too stubborn to wave that particular flag. So I stay on the panic hamster wheel and everyone around me acts like it’s no big deal and that is insult to injury. Which kind of hinders your strength to keep fighting.

I wish the mundanes could grasp that. Sometimes support makes a big difference and having none…it’s a lonely place to be and it just causes more anxiety. Which I didn’t think possible.

25.5

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , on February 21, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

25.5 is how many hours I was awake Monday to Tuesday due to anxiety. I finally crashed around 9 a.m. yesterday and slept an hour and a half. Normally, I’d be concerned about the timing of this ‘up all night’ incident as a precursor to a pre-spring hypo/full manic episode. The fact that I took a melatonin and tried to sleep and wanted nothing but to sleep and yet still could not no matter how tortuous consciousness was…That’s anxiety, not mania, not hypo mania. When it’s any form of mania, for me, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t try to sleep, and I either go full on creative or full on hyperactive. This time, I was not creative and I got nothing done, I was just awake hour after hour agonizing about our living situation.

Last night I zonked before ten p.m. and I did sleep, but I woke often, and I woke early, because there was ice and school had a two hour late start so I was getting notifications. Of course on any day I can sleep in I wake early, it’s life’s little ‘fuck you’ joke. Like weekends with a kid who can’t be dragged out of bed for school without a crane yet come Saturday they’re awake with the bloody roosters.

My anxiety has skyrocketed today as days count down to us needing to be out of here. We have a line on a place in dad’s armpit town, he talked to the guy and stepmonster is gonna come get us tomorrow to go look at it (ya know, since it’s 16 miles round trip and my death trap won’t run over 30mph without a death gasp). I am not wild about this, at all. But I am also sick of not eating or sleeping and feeling like my skeleton is crawling out of my skin. We have to do something and it’s not my job to think of myself right now. My damage from growing up in a small town has to take a backseat to making sure Spook has a roof overhead and I am just gonna have to put on the big girl panties and deal with it. I’m not committing to a 20 year contract to live there. This could be a six month or year long thing, or hell, it may turn out to not suck so much.

I hate myself for thinking that or writing it.

I think mostly I fear my sister and mom might be right and dad and stepmonster may be making a power play to take over my daughter and turn her into a mini redneck version of themselves. And without a reliable car and depending on them to provide me with transportation…I am going to be in no position whatsoever to defend my right as her mother or my independence. That is the worst position (aside from living in a cardboard box with no wifi connection-just sayin’).

To demonstrate how redneck and ignorant my dad is…he thinks because the rent for this place in his town is fifty dollars less than what I pay here, it is going to save me money. Except I will have to pay water there ($25 monthly), trash ($45 every three months), and of course, ten bucks gas every time I need to run into town for groceries or appointments. Moving there may be necessity, but it is not one bit cheaper and it is not at all convenient, so this is how I know that my dad only sees things from his perspective. Saving fifty bucks on rent isn’t saving a penny if I’ll be spending another hundred between water, trash, and travel money.

Again, though…this looks to be our only feasible opportunity and it is a two bedroom so at least I wouldn’t get stuck sharing a room with Ms. Snores A Lot. (Love her to pieces, but man, she could suck down tile ceilings with that snore.) It’s not even a lock, the guy just agreed to let us look at the place and he’s going by what they have told him about my situation. I don’t take anything as a given anymore because…well 2018 has been a dick so far and as far as the former landlord-now-property-manager giving a good reference…I’ve seen the man out and out lie to my face repeatedly so…not breathing easily there, either. There’s also the matter of doing laundry, I don’t know if Armpit (so shall the town in question be known here on out) still has their laundromat, which would cost even more money. I don’t even know if they have mail service, everyone seems to have a post office box, which again, MORE FUCKING MONEY. They have a restaurant open 8 hours a day, a gas station open til 7 p.m. and of course, said post office. That is it. I might go brain dead from boredom, especially if stuck with no gas to escape to town.

At the same time…I wonder if this isolation might be what I need. Get in the slow lane, keep to myself, maybe be able to focus on my writing when Spook is asleep because being so isolated might lower my anxiety and allow me to focus better. God, slap me with a rotting mackerel already for spewing this limited sunshine. Gross. I am likely gonna hate it because it will bring back every traumatic memory from my adolescence and teens where the small town redneck bullies made me want to die daily. But I am 45 now and it’s time to move on, blah blah blah. Some things you move on from but their imprint is a scar that flares up whether you want it to or not.

And this is where standard issue people start rolling their eyes and call me narcisstic and tell me it’s about my kid, not me, and how self centered I am and all I talk about is me me me and I am a horrible person always playing the victim…

Oh, wait, that was what the heroin using shrink said to Analiese on How To Get Away With Murder thus my paranoid brain instantly jumped to, “Oh fuck, is that why nurse doc didn’t help me or believe a word I said? Did she think I was a narcissist playing victim????” And this is where mental healthcare/shrinks/counselors totally confuse and baffle me. If I am supposed to go in and talk, isn’t it supposed to be about myself and how I am feeling and what I am going through? The very definition of narcissism, acceptable not even in my supposed care and management and cure? It is all these self doubt causing questions that have caused me to give up on therapy. The doc nurse and abandonment by Dr. B have made me seriously question if I will ever get the proper professional to actually do more good than harm. But then it goes right back to my own brain rolling its eyes at me and snarking, “Victim much?”

Grrrrr. It’s maddening. And certainly doesn’t help the depression. I have been running on sheer anxiety for weeks and the depressive abyss days certainly take precedence even if I rant more about the anxiety…But it’s come to my attention just how depressed I have been yet scared to admit the sevetrity lesy some well meaning genius professional decide it means I’m an unfit mom. The only person being neglected here is me. I don’t watch my super fave shows like The Flash or Supernatural. I can’t focus on the shows I do try to watch. I am glad to be awake only about two hours of the day, long enough to get a caffeine burst and an acceptable nicotine level. The rest of the time all I do is count down hours til I can go to sleep. And as we’re out of melatonin and the script sleepers damn near kill me…I am going to be spending a lot of time awake, breaking out in nervous hives, twisting stomach aches, and spinning thoughts.

I don’t know where to begin packing. I am frozen, like a deer in headlights with a car speeding at me at 120 mph. And I can’t seem to move. It terrifies me. I should be packing, my kid reminds me constantly. Well, first we need boxes, then we need to have a place to go, and I have to determine the space we will have going from a 3 bedroom two bath to a two bedroom one bath, no outside storage shed. I am trapped in don’t stop, don’t go mode.

Still…I am plastering on the brave face and validating my kid’s ‘nervous-cited- state (thank you, my little pony, nervous-cited is almost a cool way to describe it) while assuring her the move could be a great thing for us, who knows. I mean, I was once stuck in such a depression I thought our world would crumble if the donor left. And ya know what? He handled it like the cowardly cockweasel he is, sneaking his shit out and announcing he wanted out via a 30 second phone call but…within a couple of weeks I was on the mend, realizing how much better I felt without him. I just didn’t have the guts to risk change by admitting it when he was here. And Spook was only two and he wasn’t all that interactive with her so she didn’t even notice his absence. It was something I thought would be catastrophic yet it turned out better than it was, so I often beat myself up for my inability to overome my fear of change and extricate myself from unhealthy situations.

Maybe being forced at metaphoric gunpoint to make a change is what I need. Or it may be push me over the edge, God knows I have been hit from all angles this year with devastation and bad luck. I’d like to at least keep the door cracked open on things being okay, minus any sunshine spewing. Sunshine helps my mood, but it just makes me feel like a traitor to myself if I trade in my hard earned cynicism to blow rainbows up my own skirt. If I wore skirts.

So…depressed. Anxious to the nth. Terrified. Feeling helpless and hopeless.

Still alive and kicking and doing what has to be done for my kid.

If this makes my diagnosis narcisstic, then again…the mental health, er behavioral health, community is guilty of bad behavior.

When Invisible Illness Isn’t Entirely Invisible

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , , , on February 21, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

One of the hardest struggles people with mental health disorders face is the fact that unlike other medical ailments, mental health issues are often perceived as invisible or behavioral and no one takes you seriously. Society does a 4 out of ten in its grasp of bipolar one, maybe 6 out of ten for its grasp of depression, (0 for comprehending bipolar 2) and as for anxiety disorders…BIG FAT NEGATIVE TEN.

Having an anxiety disorder isn’t merely being high strung. It’s like every nerve ending being in flames and your brain is the fire department only they forgot to bring the water hoses so the fire rages on and no amount of self bullying or pep talks or cognitive bullshit therapy can help during the worst of the anxiety attacks.

I have, over the years, learned to avoid situations that could trigger my anxiety thus resulting in an embarrassing and societally-frowned-upon meltdown of sweating, hyperventilating, and throwing up over the side of the boat. i’d say I get it right 60% of the time. The worst part, however, and this was diagnoses when I was 14…I internalize stress which agitates the disorder.

My anxiety, well hidden at times or not, isn’t entirely invisible if people were to pay attention. It’s not a matter of being wound like a clock or shaky or cranky.

For me, anxiety, at its most extreme, comes with a plethora of physical symptoms that aren’t invisible at all. Thing is, they are embarrassing so not really something I want people to notice. All the trips to the bathroom because I pee when I am nervous. All the trips to the bathroom when pretzel gut kicks in and my innards feel like they are making a jailbreak. The ice cold sweat soaks the armpits of my shirts and drips down my side, stench free yet sooo humiliating because I’ve used every product available and none of them do a thing for anxious sweat. The shaking hands which cause the dropsies and people assume you’re a clumsy oaf. The inability to form coherent thoughts until you’ve ridden out the panic attack and regrouped with some isolation ‘me’ time. The days when you are so stressed and sweaty, you do actually have a musty odor. Oh, and those lovely pretzel gut noises that perform their symphony of gross noises, as if running to the bathroom abruptly at odd intervals when the innard prison break hits.

One of the worst physical manifestations of my anxiety disorder is not invisible at all, and according to my mom, she has it, her mom had it, and that is our skin breaking out in itchy red hives or spots or welts when we are on anxiety overload. I’ve had all the tests, no physical cause, just ‘stop internalizing your stress and try to balance your anxiety triggers.”

Today’s proof.

I can remember being a kid at the public pool and between flea bites and my nervous hives, they would ask me to leave because they couldn’t risk me being contagious. Talk about mortifying. I don’t think I’ve been back to that pool since I was 12. Mind you, the above is a minor reaction, it gets much worse and often results in such a rash all over my body. I’d hardly call it invisible.

Society as a whole simply refuses to face the fact that mental health disorders often manifest in physical symptoms and even if you can’t see them or we don’t discuss them, it doesn’t mean they are invisible or fictional. Trust me, there was nothing fictional about my date on a gambling boat where I hit the crowd, went into panic meltdown sweating and hiding in the bathroom, make up melting off in tears…and when I managed to be convinced by my date to go outside on the deck…I promptly barfed over the side of the boat. He still tells that story. Because it was charming, not humiliating at all for me.

So before you go making assumptions about ‘invisible’ illnesses and assuming there’s nothing disabled about us…

Try on my shoes and walk a few miles. I’ll do you the kindness of not saying your blistered feet are a figment of your imagination and your battered psyche just needs to snap out of it.

Mental health issues may be a cross many of us bear miserably, but the one thing about it, in my experience…I truly believe that what we suffer from…makes us a very empathetic, compassionate group, who otherwise may never have become sensitive to the plight of others had it not mangled our lives.

It’s a shame the world places far more value on mindless Tweets, fashionista heiresses, egomaniacal rap stars, and the wonderful quality of empathy is just…irrelevant. In my world…it’s about as crucial a trait as breathing is when I want to gauge how well I am going to get along with someone.

I could have used a lot of empathetic friends back in the day when I was brave enough to go out and risk my anxiety turning things into an embarrassing scene and all those so called friends either ditched me or phased me out for making them uncomfortable.

Those are the people I really hope karma pays a visit to. I hope karma bites them on the ass and it has rabies and ebola and then I can tell them how it’s all in their heads and they’re inconvenient and embarrassing for me with their invisible ailments.

Bitter, moi?

But no matter my resentments or grudges…I would probably still extend a hand of support and empathy even to my worst enemy if I felt they truly wanted and needed it.

Not even my misbehaving brain chemicals can change who I am at the core, and that is a caring, albeit with a whiplash sarcastic humor, person.

Though if Trump or Kanye West approached, I’d have to return to bitterness and look for an exorcist. There’s only so much insane ego a woman can stand, ya know. Some people just rub me the wrong way and it’s their personality, not their politics.

How Anxiety And Depression Put Your Life On Hold

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 20, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

I’ve often expressed to my doctors how saddened I am by how much of my daughter’s childhood I have missed due to crippling depression and anxiety. Mind you, I’ve been here for her every day since she was in utero. But over 8 years, I have experienced so many depressive bouts and skin crawling anxiety, I fear I have missed my chance to truly bond with her over fun outings. I’ve never taken her to the public pool or a movie (that crowd terror I have.) So many days I am just too low or wound too tightly or frozen with the inertia of it all…I’m not a very fun mom. And it breaks my heart and I really wish the professionals would GET that. None of them really do, though, to them it’s just an excuse or complaint to be taken with a grain of salt.

For me, it’s like seeing my kid’s loving childhood ‘I need mommy” years pass me by and I can never get them back. It is heartbreaking and frustrating. I try so very hard, even on my worst days, I at least try to make her laugh a few times with faked silliness. Before long she will hit double digits and become a tween and I will be little more than an embarrassment to her (as is normal for kids entering that age zone). To look back and see all that depression and anxiety have cost me…The doctors, therapists, and disability powers that be will never in a million years understand how devastating it is, how nothing can ever make up for it.

Today was day 4 with her home from school. We’ve been getting along pretty well. I can’t say I was fun mommy today because I was making calls left and right about finding a place to live and it was just door slam after door slam, either no pets, not available, twice the rent I pay here a third of the space. It’s disheartening, to say the least.

My dad extended a lovely offer. If I come live in his town in one of the properties his friend owns via section 8, they will let me drive their white SUV and put my old heap on auction. Now this sounds great, right???? WRONG. Being under their thumb is worse than dealing with R. It may come down to being imprisoned that way, but I am fighting it tooth and nail. Last person they loaned their vehicle to all they did was gripe about her running back and forth to town (25 miles round trip) and putting mileage on their vehicle. If she took it to go out on a date or to a bar with friends, that offended them, too. They are so controlling, it would be akin to being smothered and buried alive. I wish I were being dramatic. Even my sister said they are just trying to lure me there so they can basically take over my kid and turn her into a little redneck like them. I’ve seen them try so it’s not far fetched. It’s..last resort. Not to mention what those people can’t grasp is that section 8, even with a willing landlord with an open property, takes at least a month to go through, if not longer. I have less than 2 weeks!

My gums hurt from grinding my teeth with anxiety. I haven’t eaten a thing today, I have no appetite. When Spook asks, “Are you sure we’re not gonna be homeless, mommy?” it breaks my heart. No, we’re not gonna be homeless, though we might be better off if we were. One local agency will help with first month rent and deposit BUT you literally have to be living on the street, in your car, or in an emergency shelter for more than a month. HUH????? So to get my kid a home I have to let her have no home which puts me in danger of having her taken away from me. This system is insane.

Sleep doesn’t seem like it’s going to come easily. I am out of melatonin and I am sure as hell not taking any of the doc’s or doc nurse’s ‘sleeping pills’. Worse hangover than a vodka bender, I kid you not. And they make me sluggish the whole day after and bring my mood even lower. So how are their prescriptions any different from alcohol if both act as depressants?

Again. If you can donate or just reblog or pass on social media…Fundraiser is here.

If you need further proof how dire our circumstances are…this is my current bank balance.

And to add more stress, the yearly registration sticker for my car is do by March 31rst, another $105 I can’t come up with.

It’s hard for me to ask for help so believe me…we need it more than you know.

My Name Is Sludge

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , on February 18, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

Sludgey. That is how I feel today. Like my body is made of lead and any sort of movement is exhausting, painful, and perhaps even dangerous. I loathe these mental spaces where the idea of moving around sets off alarm bells in my head, it’s irrational, idiotic, frustrating. As icing on the suckage cupcake, my anxiety is off the charts and that, too, irks me, because Sundays are supposed to be my peaceful day. Ya know, no mail, usually no calls, just…vegetative time.

Instead the hamster wheel in my skull is churning furiously and needs WD-40 desperately. The churning thoughts and terror replay in an endless loop, making every sound seem overwhelming, every action seem terrifying. My head actually hurts from thinking too much and nothing I do makes it slow down. I am holding the panic at bay, barely, by remindng myself that panicking won’t do a thing to help our situation but…I almost believe it is possible for the human skeleton to try to escape from inside just to escape the barrage of overactive nerve endings threatening to drive me stark raving mad.

Since you can’t really accomplish anything business-ish, ya know, like looking for a different place to live, on Sundays, I figured today would be my freebie day, one day free of freaking out and feeling like a cornered animal. But no, anxiety disorder says NOPE, FAIL. So my heart continues to beat rapidly, my head aches more and more with every passing hour, and I can’t seem to shake it off. Which is the norm, of course, but occasionally a burst of hypomania pops up.

Not today. This is useless, harmful energy of the sludgey variety. I am counting down the hours til bedtime. Just getting my kid bathed and fed and tucked in seems like scaling a mountain sans gear. And I despise feeling this way, this is NOT how I want to feel and I am fighting so damned hard and getting nowhere and that frustration adds to my anxiety which adds to my physical symptoms and if I could make it stop, I would…But that’s the big difference between society’s newfound labeling of ‘behavioral’ health versus mental disorder. Behavior you can change over time, you can choose to act and react differently.

When the problem is the very organ in your body required to behave appropriately so you can do the same…it isn’t a behavior disorder, it is a chemical disorder and calling it otherwise is insulting, misleading, and likely going to cause a lot of suicides because people won’t want to get help now that wonky brain chemicals are considered behavioral health problems.

Am I taking this whole label change too personally? Maybe. Mental illness never really dazzled me but calling all mental health issues behavioral health related- it’s infuriating. And it’s not the least bit helpful except to make me feel like there’s zero hope anything will ever get better because my legitimate chemical imbalances are now viewed by the entire medical establishment as something cured by behavior modification therapy.

I do not have enough middle fingers to express my feelings toward this change of labeling.

I do, however, have enough moxie and desperation to keep posting about our fundraiser even though not a cent has been donated in almost a week. I am fighting for a roof over my kid’s head so I will feel ashamed and prideful later for daring to ask for perfect strangers to help us. But we’re as worthy as any cause and none of this happened through any fault of our own. So click on the pic of our lovely Godsmack lounging in the dollhouse pool and visit the page, pass along the link.

As The Anxiety Builds

Posted in anxiety disorders with tags , , , , , on February 17, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

That title sounds soap opera-y but then, I grew up second hand absorbing my mom’s love of daytime soaps as a young kid. To this day I remember characters and actors from Young and The Restless, Days Of Our Lives, Another World, All My Children. My brain is a steel trap for inane pop trivia yet the stuff that could prove useful…poof, gone in ten seconds never to return.

Another fine gray dreary wet day in the ninth circle of midwest hell. This is not good for depression. Week after week we have maybe 2 sunny days which leaves 5 gray days a week to wreak havoc on my mental state and drag me further down the rabbit hole. Joy. It’s a catch 22 for me, because I find sunlight hurts my eyes and sometimes makes my skin itch and feel like it’s burning, yet for my moods, sunlight is important and I’ve come to accept that to my own chagrin. Though what all the professionals psychobabble about seasonal depression being solely due to shorter sunlight hours is bunk. For me, it’s a factor, and a relevant one, but also the inability to ever get truly warm for 5 months of the year is a mega hindrance to my functionality.

I could not get to sleep last night even though I took a melatonin and felt sleepy. The minute I put my head on the pillow…my mind started churning, the anxiety started building. I did my usual self soothe ritual of counting backwards in odd numbers from 1000…By the fifth time I was downright pissed off because I wasn’t the least bit sleepy so I got up and watched an episode of Castle. I was still awake at 1:30. Then I woke several times during the night and I’ll be damned if I remember why. Come morning and sensing that it was light out (gray as it is) I pulled the covers over my head as this is the one day of the week I can at least sleep til 8 a.m. and it was only 7:30. Never mind going back to sleep, the brain was out of the gate like a racehorse-bucking bull hybrid, thoughts spinning, panic setting in, the thought of failing my child by ending up homeless paralyzing and terrifying. And then my kid was up so time to make the doughnuts, so to speak. Be mommy and all.

We ran some errands, though we had to wait ninety minutes for stores to open. During which my kid channeled satan with impatience to go spend the dollar grandma gave her. When she goes into jackass mode, there is no reasoning with her. Honestly, I am tired of the ‘perfetly normal for a child that age, just a phase”. If I recall, people suspected Jeffrey Dahmer was just going through a phase when he started tine torturing and dissecting animals. At some point a phase is actually a warning sign that something is amiss. With my kid, I think it’s some sort of oppositional defiance thing because the word ‘no’ sets her off.Probably why in all my depressions and anxiety bouts I’d eventually let her wear me down to keep my sanity. I am no longer the yes monster, though, trying to repair the damage done by my perpetually altered mental status. It’s not shirking responsibility, I created the monster to some extent (my family did not help at all) so I am working on correct it. Can’t say I am fond of having bags of quarters swung at my head for simply saying “No, we’re not going out today, we’ll do it tomorrow.” She’s kind of a ticking bomb sometimes.

At the same…she is my joy. She is love, and I beam when we are interacting without all the drama or my depression and anxiety infused self doubt. She is an amazing kid, so smart, so creative, and while maybe my nurture was only a factor…Knowing I haven’t completely screwed her up in 8.5 years in spite of all the struggles…It’s nice to feel like I’ve done one thing right.

Errands all done, which is good, cos the spitting snow and rain and gloom really bring me down. And I’m not talking ‘ooh, bummer, dude”. I mean total mood sabotage, as in one minute I am ‘managing’ and the next I feel like I am sinking. Oh, depression, you gift that never stops giving. I wish you would, really. Because your idea of giving is actually TAKING, robbing me of basic functions that come so easily to others. I may have to learn to live with you, but I will never ever welcome you or consider you any kind of benefit, you cockweasel.

(I know, I spew venom like a cobra, isn’t it awesome?)

And FYI, for the ignorant sans empathy alleged human beings who think mental illnes is a weakness or an affectation or we’re lazy and ‘faking it’…It is my fondest wish you get some invisible illness that hinders your existence and others view you the same as they view those with mental disorders. Walk in those toe pinching blister causing shoes a week and you’d be crying uncle.

I am having one of my ‘deer in the headlights’ days, meaning the anxiety is so bad I feel like moving from my spot in my bedroom crypt will result in catastrophe. It’s irrational, but then so is throwing up over the side of a gambling boat on a date cos the panic is so overwhelming it elicits a physical response. Anxiety disorders make zero sense but one thing I’ve learned in spite of all the gobbledygook the professionals spew…if you get anxious and it’s just your personality…maybe you can retrain your neural pathways and go all cognitive and mindfulness and be all better. But when your anxiety is constant, differing only in severity, sometimes based on outside stimuli, often with no clear trigger…that is a disorder and it is crippling, It distorts your thoughts, makes you have irrational fears, causes trust issues, and often makes you feel like you’re a lost cause. Oh, the lies our disordered brains tell us. And when they do it while we’re down the rabbit hole…we’re just vulnerable enough to either believe them or at least ponder their voracity. Living in perpetual self doubt and confusion, and having the mental health, er ‘behavioral management’ regime more often than not having zero clue and not wanting to buy one…It’s not a quality existence.

My dad darkened my doorstep today and asked if I found a place to live yet. It’s been TWO days of looking and I’ve already gotten 8 unfeasible or unavailable responses. The man has no grasp on the reality of my situation. To his credit (sarcastic emoji here) he gave my kid $2 to blow on junk food and offered me nothing even though he knows I am low on phone time and penniless. Feel the love. Hell, if they’d help me a little even with money for talk time and gas, I’d cook them a good meal or come clean their house…I am willing to barter with whatever I have to offer. To not even be offered that chance by my own family…But I don’t work and in my dad’s book that makes me a lazy non person. He has bragged so many times how he’s 71 and still works everyday, I want to slap him with a rotting mackerel. It’s not my fault he’s a workaholic. It’s not my fault that he can never seem to save up enough money to make himself feel better. I’ve stood by my kid, kept the same roof over her head 9 years, and that’s more than my parents did for me. Oh, we were clothed and fed, but it seemed we were moving every year or two. 8 different places in two different towns before I was 13. Maybe they didn’t have a choice, or money, but I think with all that counts against me and no help from the donor…I am due a little respect for all I have managed to do in spite of my detriments. But nooo, not with my dad.

This post was supposed to be brief but…I guess I’m like Stephen King via his ‘Making of Rose Red” video. “I’m more of a putter-inner than a taker-outer.” Rambling and ranting is my therapy and contrary to what my inept psych team thinks…it’s a wonderful method of exorcising my demons. And while I do wish I had followers who were more interactive as far as clicking like or commenting because if I help even ONE person struggling with mental issues feel less alone…it does my heart good and I’d like to think it does them good and that’s just something, as a writer, a sufferer of mental disorders, and as an empathetic human…I’d like to hear about.

So that’s the purge of the scumbag brain,

Now comes the reminder of the ‘help us find a home’ fundraiser which has raised ZERO dollars in 4 days. It amazes me how people donated to help get my cats vet care or help me license a car and yet I am facing homelessness with an 8 year old and not one person cares to donate or even just share on social media with a bit of my story…I am sure a large percentage think it’s a scam but I have posted on the gofundme page the paper declaring us out if we can’t buy. We have no choice and this was no screw up of my own, it was a doublecross by a lying sociopath landlord and a soulless management company hell bent on ridding themselves of low income ‘trashy’ tenants. If you have an ounce of humanity, even if you don’t have a dollar to spare, please click the picture of my daughter below and at least check out the page and pass it on social media if possible. Or reblog even. ANYTHING could possibly help and if you read my prior entries, you will know my story never varies. I am honest to my own detriment at times telling it like it is and how broke we are.

Look at this little girl and tell me she deserves to be homeless just because her mom is disabled and has limited income and her father is a working deadbeat unwilling to see her or pay a cent even when ordered by the court.

Remember…even a $5 donation from several people can help and I am always willing to provide receipts for every cent received and spent.

All I want is to do right by my daughter.