Archive for the Uncategorized Category

How Anxiety And Depression Put Your Life On Hold

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 20, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

I’ve often expressed to my doctors how saddened I am by how much of my daughter’s childhood I have missed due to crippling depression and anxiety. Mind you, I’ve been here for her every day since she was in utero. But over 8 years, I have experienced so many depressive bouts and skin crawling anxiety, I fear I have missed my chance to truly bond with her over fun outings. I’ve never taken her to the public pool or a movie (that crowd terror I have.) So many days I am just too low or wound too tightly or frozen with the inertia of it all…I’m not a very fun mom. And it breaks my heart and I really wish the professionals would GET that. None of them really do, though, to them it’s just an excuse or complaint to be taken with a grain of salt.

For me, it’s like seeing my kid’s loving childhood ‘I need mommy” years pass me by and I can never get them back. It is heartbreaking and frustrating. I try so very hard, even on my worst days, I at least try to make her laugh a few times with faked silliness. Before long she will hit double digits and become a tween and I will be little more than an embarrassment to her (as is normal for kids entering that age zone). To look back and see all that depression and anxiety have cost me…The doctors, therapists, and disability powers that be will never in a million years understand how devastating it is, how nothing can ever make up for it.

Today was day 4 with her home from school. We’ve been getting along pretty well. I can’t say I was fun mommy today because I was making calls left and right about finding a place to live and it was just door slam after door slam, either no pets, not available, twice the rent I pay here a third of the space. It’s disheartening, to say the least.

My dad extended a lovely offer. If I come live in his town in one of the properties his friend owns via section 8, they will let me drive their white SUV and put my old heap on auction. Now this sounds great, right???? WRONG. Being under their thumb is worse than dealing with R. It may come down to being imprisoned that way, but I am fighting it tooth and nail. Last person they loaned their vehicle to all they did was gripe about her running back and forth to town (25 miles round trip) and putting mileage on their vehicle. If she took it to go out on a date or to a bar with friends, that offended them, too. They are so controlling, it would be akin to being smothered and buried alive. I wish I were being dramatic. Even my sister said they are just trying to lure me there so they can basically take over my kid and turn her into a little redneck like them. I’ve seen them try so it’s not far fetched. It’s..last resort. Not to mention what those people can’t grasp is that section 8, even with a willing landlord with an open property, takes at least a month to go through, if not longer. I have less than 2 weeks!

My gums hurt from grinding my teeth with anxiety. I haven’t eaten a thing today, I have no appetite. When Spook asks, “Are you sure we’re not gonna be homeless, mommy?” it breaks my heart. No, we’re not gonna be homeless, though we might be better off if we were. One local agency will help with first month rent and deposit BUT you literally have to be living on the street, in your car, or in an emergency shelter for more than a month. HUH????? So to get my kid a home I have to let her have no home which puts me in danger of having her taken away from me. This system is insane.

Sleep doesn’t seem like it’s going to come easily. I am out of melatonin and I am sure as hell not taking any of the doc’s or doc nurse’s ‘sleeping pills’. Worse hangover than a vodka bender, I kid you not. And they make me sluggish the whole day after and bring my mood even lower. So how are their prescriptions any different from alcohol if both act as depressants?

Again. If you can donate or just reblog or pass on social media…Fundraiser is here.

If you need further proof how dire our circumstances are…this is my current bank balance.

And to add more stress, the yearly registration sticker for my car is do by March 31rst, another $105 I can’t come up with.

It’s hard for me to ask for help so believe me…we need it more than you know.

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Evicted Due To Being Broke

Posted in Uncategorized on February 14, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

One of the maintenance men delivered this to my door today. This is the FIRST any tenant has heard about them kicking us out unless we buy. The entire reason most of us live here is because we are too broke to afford a home.

My daughter and I lose our lease March 30th.

This gives 6 weeks without a spare dime to find a place and move.

To say panic is setting in is an understatement. This on top of everything else that has happened, and my own mental health struggles.

So, to my chagrin I am doing another fundraising campaign in hopes of at least getting a little money together should some other living arrangement arise.

I am livid that after 9 years of never once paying late or causing any trouble that we would be treated this shabbily but all tenants are facing this so it’s not personal against me, at least.

If you can help, PLEASE.

If not, at least pass the link on social media. I am between a rock and a hard place here and I am just trying to do right by my kid.

View Fundraiser Page Here

Thanks

Got Stress?

Posted in Uncategorized on December 18, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

No category, no tags. This is purge.

3:54 a.m. and here I am, awake. Over an hour now. I took a melatonin and 0.5 Xanax after 45 minutes, because sleep just wasn’t happening. I woke up, no good reason, the thoughts started spinning, haunting, and taunting.

Wasn’t bad enough I took 3mg melatonin around nine-ish, following the Trintellix induced vomiting hour. I didn’t even take more Xanax, since it, too, had come up with the other stuff. An hour later, the melatonin wasn’t kicking in and every time I thought it was starting to…I was hot and sweaty. Or shivering and cold. Once I did nod off, I woke up 3 times before finally this last time, I couldn’t manage to nod off again.

How is this not frustrating? How am I not supposed to be irate, exhausted, grumpy, and lethargic during the days when this is pretty much my every night?

To make it even ickier, I’m all itchy, but no outside cause so it’s gotta be stress induced hives. My sinuses are draining and I either have a left ear infection or some sort of ear wax build up because for two weeks now, it’s been aching and sound is muffled. I want to see a doctor but I don’t have a general practitioner, and since Medicaid coverage is changing Jan 1, I don’t dare make an appointment (as if a new patient could get one in the midst of the holidays) lest that doctor be taken off the plan and I have to find another one come January.

But the loss of equilibrium and discomfort are, after a couple of weeks, becoming intolerable and probably not helping my anxiety or irrititation.

Toss in cramps…

I thought my “me-day Monday” would prove productive but since my sleep is so screwed up, I’ll either be hard pressed to get up and will snooze once Spook is off to school or I will stay awake but be too exhausted and in pain to do anything.

I reiterate….HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A SCREWED UP HOT MESS WHEN THIS IS MY LIFE EVERY BLOODY DAY AND NIGHT?

Trintellix Side Effects SUCK

Posted in bipolar disorder, Uncategorized with tags , , , on November 30, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

Lost the med lottery today. I ate first, took my Trintellix, and BAM. Stomach ache and nausea so bad I think the flu is more appealing. THIS is why people don’t want to take meds or stay on them. I missed maybe two doses and there was no withdrawal, but even after two doses missed, you go right back to the original side effects from the first months of treatment and dose increases. It’s maddening. Yet I am reluctant to give up on it because it’s kept me vertical this long, it’s doing something. I dread taking it every day, though. It’s like trying to work yourself up to go in for a root canal. It’s worse than lithium nausea ever thought of being. While I know it will pass once I get a week of solid dose built back up, but still. Two missed doses should not involve in such nasty side effects. But alas, I know, I’m the one who got so scatterbrained I forgot my meds, I brought it on myself. My fault or not, the fact is, Trintellix has been one of the harshest meds I’ve been on.

Another NUTSYFUCKINGKOOKOO side effect from this medication, which of course, the doctors deny yet the message boards are full of people experiencing it as well, is the itching. Not just my whole skin, but my scalp. It’s got me using special shampoos, checking me and my kid constantly for head lice. And that’s precisely how it feels every single day no matter how long I am on it…Like living with a headful of lice crawling around in my hair and on my scalp.

I’m out of bed and dressed and doing my prison term. I mean, at the shop. R texted yesterday about his needs. Didn’t bother asking how I am. Doesn’t care the customers are pissed off, that he’s running the business into the ground. He gives zero fucks about anyone but his own needs. And I get it, he’s been out of state for two and a half weeks, he missed Thanksgiving with his family, he’s in limbo, unsure when they’re gonna be finished with the job and come back…I get it, he’s stressed,too, and then he has to come back to all this mess at the shop. BUT he brought this on himself. We have all tried to tell him, he is too egomaniacal to listen. So he kind of made his bed and needs to lie in it. And I think I deserve a goddamn Christmas bonus for dealing with all the enraged people who cuss me, yell at me, hang up on me, slam the door on me. But he would never think to do something so thoughtful and kind.

He’s the ‘I don’t want to know about the pregnancy,labor, or birth, just give me the baby’ type. I am the “Was the pregnancy difficult? How long were you in labor? How’s the baby? Any complications post partum?” I want the whole story because I care. I can’t stop being this person and he can’t stop being that person. It’s always been a tightrope act of our personalities clashing or meshing. I just don’t know I need another thoughtless insulting person who takes me for granted in my life when my family has it covered in spades. Tis why I have the three week plan in place. Though, I’m kind of plotting bitch cos I ain’t telling him about til after he fixes our heat. (Landlord told me if I blew another $200 main board I’d have to pay for it and the lazy Hvac guys always say it’s the board or else they’d have to know something and do some work, so fuck that, I’m gonna be a devious snake and have R fix it. That can be my Christmas bonus…please don’t think I’m horrible, heat is kind of necessity.)

At least I am not alone in my views here. All his friends, and even customers, say he’s ruined the place and the reputation. Least this time I know it’s not bipolar distortion or my personality flaw. He screwed the pooch on this one.

My kid had a warbler last night. First one in days. I shouldn’t have let her have the single peanut butter cup. Sugar always sends her around the bend but I find absolute denial makes kids sneak stuff and I don’t want her feeling she has to sneak food, even junk food, so she develops some shame disorder over food. But she went off the rails about being stupid and ugly, though the timing was convenient. She’d informed me she and a bunch of other kids were playing tag more like hockey slamfest so they all got lunch and recess detentions today. I can’t very well be disciplinarian and all when my kid’s having a self confidence meltdown, right? My mom says I make stuff up about how bad Spook acts out, that I make it worse than it is, like I am out to get her or something. No, that was my mom, always so harsh on me yet clueless that she was. I am interested in my kid not becoming a sociopath, being her friend is not my job. I make nothing up, this is her behavior. If I wanted to frame job her, I’d never point out her good behaviors. Hell, if I weren’t a loving, devoted mom, I’d have done run away from home because frankly, living in fear of an 8 year old going violent on me isn’t a pleasant life. But here I am, still trying, and my mom is accusing me of making it all up. As if I have a damned thing to gain by saying Spook misbehaves when she doesn’t.

This morning was no better. She had church last night so didn’t get to sleep til 9:30, come alarm today she started yelling at me it was too early and she was tired. Maybe the late night church thing needs to be done away if she can’t manage on an hour less sleep.

I’m not gonna say I am handling things with much grace. I’m hanging by some frayed thread here (while the sensation of crawling bugs on my scalp is making me nuts, but at least the nausea has subsided). I must have wakened 4 times during the night and I only hit snooze twice today because out of the gate…my brain starts spinning and stressing and worrying. How am I gonna get Christmas and pay all the bills? The car keeps dying on me, idle is too low, what am I gonna do if it keels over? Ugh, do I have to see the apathetic psych nurse who makes me feel so shitty? Isn’t there a better med that won’t make me feel like I have year round head lice? Round and round it goes, where it stops…I wish I knew.

But hey world, I am serving my time, vertical and at least wearing clothes I didn’t sleep in. I haven’t showered in 4 days but hey, as long as I am upright….I really hate life sometimes. I hate bipolar life. And more than anything…I despise depression. It’s one of the cruelest disorders one can live with. And one you won’t find much empathy for even amongst psychiatric professionals. Joy, joy, happy, happy.

Z-whack me now, please.

In Memorium- Goodbye, Chester Bennington

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on July 20, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

(Sorry for so many mistakes and edits, hard to concentrate with 4 screeching kids on the loose, no disrespect intended, and I swear I’m not a moron, just on sensory overload which leads to idiotic typos and forgot-to-post links. )

It’s been confirmed that Linkin Park vocalist Chester Bennington has passed away. Early reports say suspected suicide but until the officials confirm that…I am just going to say he died. Linkin Park has long been one of my favorite bands and this is a tremendous loss of talent for the music community and fans.

Worse is, he left behind a wife and 6 children. My heart goes out to them right now, for what little it’s worth. Losing a husband and father is brutal and always tragic.

So in memory of this amazing performer, I’m going to post one of my favorite songs by Linkin Park.

I hope you find peace in death, Chester. ❤

On Second Thought…

Posted in Uncategorized on November 22, 2016 by morgueticiaatoms

Dedicated To My Followers And Friends

Posted in Uncategorized on November 4, 2016 by morgueticiaatoms

Yeah, yeah, I am a heavy metal girl.

But the lyrics of the song say more eloquently how I feel for you all than my stunted brain ever could.\

Have  a listen and know…you all are fuckin’ perfect to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58L9zi5DtLo              pink perfect