Archive for the Seasonal Sffective Disorder Category

The Clock Turns Back An Hour, I Turn Back For Five Months

Posted in anxiety, bipolar depression, Seasonal Sffective Disorder with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I can already feel my ‘vrooom’ factor I get during spring and summer fading. The months long depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and inept medication from that garbage nurse took me down significantly but this abrupt cold and excessive darkness and the clocks turning back…Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D) has kicked in. I am fighting with all my might and mommy’s little helpers (99 cent energy shots, which my stock is low on and I can’t afford more since the donor flaked and our income dropped almost $350, next to go will be the internet)…But inevitably, like some internal default setting, my energy dries up and the depressive lethargy sets in for 5 months. All I can say is thank the sacred pegacorn this telepsych, Dr. R, gave me back my 3 mg daily Xanax. I actually let my kid have her friends inside the house yesterday and while it was annoying cos her one friend is annoying AF…I didn’t go off the deep end. It’s improvement.

Halloween was dismal. 8 trick or treaters over 2 nights. It rained for 24 hours one night, the next night it snowed and was 23 degrees. Miserable. Only plus was that I managed to get Spook a ride to a couple of functions with her friend and his dad so she got to go out, and I didn’t have to use gas I don’t have to burn in the car. Sadly, I could not take her to the school dance. For the second year in a row I told her I would, and then the donor flakes on his job and child support, and I simply can’t afford the new dress and shoes and admit fee and gas and snacks and…I know she was disappointed but, honestly, in light of how she screamed at me and hit me pretty much every morning last week, she really didn’t deserve a reward. I do feel bad letting her down. I just couldn’t eek out the money from my $835 a month when half is for rent, 40% was for power, then car insurance, water, pet supplies, has, etc…And I missed the cut off to sign her up for Angel Tree so I honestly have NO idea how I am going to buy her Christmas this year. Guess I will figure it out.

My own fault, I overestimated the donor. He usually lasts six months at a job before flaking.

I found out the ass trash lawyer I can’t stand who has dragged out this whole process of ridding myself of the donor and appeasing the court’s ordered visitation…is appearing in court today because PETA found 20 dogs and 8 horses on his ‘ranch’ and they were starving and injured and had been for quite some time so he’s up on misdemeanor charges for that. What a fucking winner. Animal abusers are not something I can abide by. And I think anyone who mistreats an animal should be charged with a felony because the slaps on the wrist do not get through to the lazy ones. Some people are just evil and like neglecting or hurting animals and some people are just plain fucking LAZY. Maybe a felony record for the rest of their lives would get them off their LAZY asses so they could at least find decent homes for the pets they are too LAZY and CRUEL to care for. My pets may not live in luxury but their basic needs are always met. Geesh. Not only is he a woman hating inept lawyer who has taken almost 4 years to secure an uncontested disolution and uncomplicated visitation schedule, he’s a monster who neglects and abuses animals. My uncle sure picked me a winner.

I have been bringing even more order to the house. I figure go with it while the organized thoughts are there. It ain’t perfect, I am never gonna be the kind of neatnik who spazzes over dust bunnies but…it’s much, much better.

The clock back thing is kind of messing with my internal clock. I was ready for bed at 7:30 last night. That’s early even for my depressed state. I will eventually adjust, I suppose, but for now, it sucks.

My kid says the metadate is making her sleepy at school so she can’t focus. She already does not want to take the pill. I will have to ask the doctor about it, I guess. Seems to me the kid is just never happy with anything. She begged for three months for this S kid to come hang out inside then when he came over yesterday, she spent 80% of the time yelling at him. Not that I blame her, he really does NOT listen. I guess that is part of why he is on the spectrum but it does not excuse being disrespectful of his friends or, you know, ME. My home, my rules. He couldn’t even throw away his trash, ffs. Not that my kid does any better but she is going to start losing access to her tablet if it persists. I worked my ass off getting this place in order. Now I gotta stay on top of it.

I am down to one final task I do NOT want to do. My sister brought me that ‘new’ used vaccuum and I really need to do the carpets but hate those bloody hell machines. Noisy, complicated, easily clogged, and half the time they aren’t really sucking up much. Guess I need a specialty pet vac to get the cat hair off the carpet.

I am very pleased with the kittens and how well they are taking to litter training. They’re sweetie pies.

So, some pics from Halloween, just cos…I can.

Never mind, it says I gotta resize them smaller and I can’t be arsed. Maybe another time. For now…I feel okay-ish. That may change later, Spook wants that kid to come over again and man…I try to be tolerant but…some people you can only take in small doses.

Like me.

Rain Drain And Mercy Proofed

Posted in anxiety, depression, S.A.D, seasonal depression, Seasonal Sffective Disorder with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I have sufferedfrom (and make no mistake, it is suffering) seasonal affective disorder since I was an adolescent. It comes every year like clockwork around the end of September/start of October, though there have been a few times it did not start until Novemner if the weather was stretching summer like weather longer. Every psych professional I have ever seen about this seasonal depression boils it down to the same (bogus) assertion that it is caused only by the shortened daylight hours and can only be cured with light therapy and exercise. I bought into their garbage therapy and bought the pricey lights that mimick sunlight and it doesn’t do a damn thing. Because I believe seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D) is hardwired into your brain chemistry and body chemistry so even if you rev up your metabolism and fake yourself out with false light…what it boils down to is the inablity to ever get warm and this immovable ‘veil’ that covers your mind for six months until the season shifts from fall and winter to spring and summer. That is how it is for me, anyway.

This is not to say that I entirely discount the impact sunlight has on mental health issues and mood. Just today alone, without the previous two days of cool gloom, is enough to make me miss the retina scorching skin torching sunshine I usually admire from indoors but avoid much contact with. It was raining when I woke at 7 a.m. and is still raining at 7 p.m., not one single break in sight. No sun. No warmth. I am already craving tomorrow’s forecast, which while not warm, is alleged to be sunny. That will warm the house significantly and it will lift my mood out of the gutter.

It just angers me that they oversimplify what I endure by chalking it up to nothing more than some missing daylight hours. It’s more than that. That is significant but my seasonal can carry over into spring if the weather is still cold or excessively damp and rainy. This rain, with the cold, does me in. Warm rain does not impact me as much. But we are on day 3 without sunshine, and 12 hours of solid rain…My mood has been looking up at the belly of a snake today, it’s so low. And much of that is tied to not having working heat and being cold, but also not even being able to step off the porch because it is so rainy and cold. I feel tied down, locked up, locked inside. That bums me out. And since I am now waking at 7 a.m. and it’s dark outside, I am going to likely feel this overwhelming lowness for the next five months. So sunshine plays a part but it’s not the entire disorder and being told that it is by so called professionals has lead me to believe they don’t know a damn thing about it other than ‘it’s the winter blues’. I wish it were that simple.

I pulled off a mom win and got my kid a ride to town with my dad and his crew so she might try to use her Pumpkin festival ticket but with the rain and cold, not sure if she got to or not. She went with and got out of the house, at least, and is at a church function right now. That’s 8 kid free hours I have had. Unfortunately, with three active kittens loose who like to mess with electrical cords, I can’t say I’ve had much mental or physical rest.

I settled into season 3 of Z Nation, where an episode resonated with me. The evil guy secured metal helmet thingies to the attack zombies barring the necessary kill shot thus “mercy proofing” them and…I kind of feel that way with my mental issues. I can’t even be put out of my misery. And it isn’t some dramatic boo hoo self pity thing. It’s just this feeling of not being able to escape feeling like shit.

I feel so good about all I have accomplished but other than regaining control of my home’s chaos and making it ‘worthy’ of others’ approval…what did I accomplish? Nothing is different inside my head. I still want to be asleep ALL the time. I still feel like I am crawling out of my skin with anxiety over every sound, call, knock. I did all this stuff to regain control of my life but frankly…it’s an illusion. I never did get a follow up call from my psych center since THEIR telepsych service failed. How is that remotely fair to me? How is it meeting any bare necessity standard of care? I don’t think this place is ever gonna have their shit together again. Last time it was remotely adequate was circa 2015. But that awesome doctor left necessitating telepsych cos they can’t keep shrinks and their standards for psych nurse’s is laughable. If I don’t have any hope for my standard of care and things aren’t magically fixed by having a clean house…what hope is there, period? Mercy proofed. No mercy. Just misery.

Think I’d prefer to battle the zombies. Might be hope for a better outcome with them. Least I’d have the satisfaction of killing off some bad guys instead of always feeling like I am at their mercy. And a psych center this inept and uncaring…Yeah, I’d have much better luck and hope for a positive resolution with zombies.

That could be the weather laden depression talking but at the moment…it is how I am feeling. I worked my ass off and now my home is tidy enough to pass muster with the masses but…it changed nothing inside my sick mind. So maybe feeling out of control worsened things, but being more in control didn’t really lessen things, either. I guess my unmedicated mind got this inkling that if I just stayed off the antidepressants and detoxed from them and got shit done, well, then I’d miraculously become bipolar one and only need Lamictal and feel all better.

Delusions of grandeur. Lovely symptom of bipolar, getting it in your mind that “maybe just maybe this time” will be the magic time you won’t need more meds instead of less. I wanted to be okay, I really did. But I am not. The only improvement is that off the Zoloft, I have no thoughts of self harm. But I also have no hope or energy or even give a damn so wtf…

I curse myself every day for not having just become a drunken pothead as opposed to this neverending and seemingly pointless effort at getting proper psych treatment.

To be honest, I am irked with the current state of how being a pot user is socially acceptable and somehow cool or kosher as opposed to being a drinker or cigarette smoker. If being stoned is my only option, I’m gonna have to stay miserable and retain my brain cells. Pot makes most people, me included, lose IQ points by the dozen. While politically that may be smiled upon these days…

God, it just makes me more depressed. I don’t want to have to become an imbecile to get through life or to be considered cool.

Fuck it, I stopped making sense even to myself three paragraphs ago. Rain drain, gah.