Archive for the seasonal depression Category

Gloom-bola

Posted in anxiety, depression, seasonal depression with tags , , , , , , , on December 6, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Definitely not a ‘jump out of bed at 5 a.m. day’. More like a six snooze alarm followed by sludgy feelings of ‘must I leave Fort Blankie?’ Got my kid off to school and was freezing so I went back under the covers with two purring kittens and Unsolved Mysteries on TV. A half hour without so much as a yawn, I said fuck it and got up and put on a heavy (albeit ugly) hooded sweatshirt and socks and started moving here and there. No major accomplishments because my stomach is a mess today and it’s gotta be stress about tomorrow and all the festive holiday crap for my kid. Can’t be what I ate. All I’ve had the last two days is some celery sticks with peanut butter.

Another reason for today’s lethargy is the gloom outside. We have had sunny days only 3 times in the last 10 days and it’s starting to feel like a potentially lethal bleeding out illness like ebola. (Definitely NOT making light of ebola sufferers.) For those with seasonal depression who are so sensitive to extreme warmth, extreme cold, sun, gloom- this plays hell on the battle to at least find a baseline of “I don’t want to die today.” Living in the moody weathered midwest has been a heavy cross to bear all my life with the seasonal affective disorder. This area is not known for weather consistence therefore no amount of psych meds are gonna have much impact ‘fixing’ this aspect of my multi diagnoses.

Something AMAZING happened yesterday. I fiddled with some internal wires on my desktop computer and brought it back to life. It seems to be working now, though who knows for how long. Guess when I put the case back on last time after a memory stick came loose I didn’t do it right and jarred some shit loose. I was ecstatic. Now my family can stick their norm and just get me shit I don’t need. I tried dropping some hints along with pics and links cos I REALLY need a new purse. I’ve had two break in the last 2 months and the one I am carrying now, the straps are held on only by thick knots I made and they could go at any time cos, hey, $6 purses you’ve had for 2 years can only survive so long. Both links I sent my sister as hints were for purses under $18 so maybe just maybe they might get me something I like and need.

And don’t get me wrong, I am not being greedy. But Christmas is about the ONLY chance I have every year of acquiring even a couple of items that I simply cannot afford myself because every cent I have goes into raising Spook and meeting her needs. I could also use ink cartridges for my printer. At the moment it is but a paperweight without ink but even a simple black cartridge runs about $30. My stepmom pointed out with all the sales, it’d be cheaper to buy a new printer. And I’ve used that reasoning, which is why I have about four junk printers out in the shed. This printer means a lot to me because it was a gift from a friend. And I gotta say, being old school plus broke, I sure as fuck miss the old dot matrix printers that used the accordion paper with holes fed into it. If all I want to print out is my writing but it takes 3 black cartridges to do it, well, that bloody sucks. My old dot matrix had an old school fabric ribbon that cost about $12 and lasted two years before it even began to fade. So is it really so far fetched and old fasioned to have the warm fuzzies for something that worked well and was a hell of a lot cheaper to use and maintain? Given, dot matrix sucked at printing pictures but just for text, especially my 600 page stories, well…It was just cheaper and more convenient and the thing didn’t break down ten times a week with a bloody paper jam.

Happy to say I slowly getting caught up on the pile that is dirty clothing Mount Laundrolympus. Unfortunately, I now have more dirty dishes to wash. And the hell machine needs to go over the carpets since my brattleaxe child is too lazy to use a trash can for candy wrappers.

I am just tapped out and so frustrated. Everyone around me is moving on, moving up, and I am stuck in this endless bipolar depression cycle. Even my stepmom, who can barely write, managed to attend truck driving school and get a CDL. So why can’t I DO SOMETHING to better our situation for my kid? It helps if you have an inkling of what you might do that would be within your skillset but not stress you out too much or bore you into a coma. That’s why I think some sort of work from home deal would be perfect from me. Word processing, hunting down bargains, research, emailing-all things I excel at that do not overwhelm me and trigger the worst of my disorders. But it is a pegacon. I want to believe it exists but deep down I know…it does not.

In another battle with my narcissist ‘friend’ he called last night but I was on the phone with my sister discussing Spook’s xmas wish list and I’ll be damned if I know how to use call waiting on my cell phone so I let it go to voice mail twice. He sent a text about how he called. And he hasn’t spoken to me since. This is familiar territory. I try to reach him, well, he’s too busy. He tries to reach me, I better answer first ring or reply to text on 2 minutes or he gets mad. Why did I bring this negative force back into my life? Oh, right. Because I am trying to see the best in people and learn to cope with their personality quirks not triggering me. So far…epic fail. I know his bullshit behavior isn’t my fault but as I’ve said before…I feel guilty when it rains and apologize to people for the sucky weather, like it’s even in my capabilities to be responsible for that. People around me know my guilt complex and use it against me incessantly.

I miss the pre mood stabilizer days when my conscience didn’t make frequent appearances, let alone become a damn albatross I can’t escape even for my own mental health.

Now what to do with myself…Housework. Think I’d prefer a root canal without novacaine. When I was watching Lost Girl, they had this fae creature called a brownie and its only purpose in life was to serve others as a housekeeper, cook, errand runner, and the only rule was never take him for granted.

I want one of those. Yeah, yeah, rich people have housekeepers and maids so it technically exists but…supernatural creatures are just more interesting and oh, yeah, I am BROKE so I can’t afford a housekeeper.

Oh, my kingdom for some comfy warm socks. My socks are too thin and my feet are freezing. And my Muk Luk slippers fell apart to the point I couldn’t even yet again hot glue them back together. Thankfully it’s been hinted that I am getting a pair from one family member for Christmas so…hopefully I can keep my feet from freezing and breaking off toes til then. Weird thing is my kid refuses to wear socks or slippers at home and her feet are like ice cubes. I’ve even made jokes about breaking off her toes and using them as ice cubes for my soda. She thinks it’s funny. I guess I am just a thin blooded wuss when it comes to the cold.

The fact that being cold contributes as much to my seasonal depression as does the ass trash weather explains why I fuss about being cold so frequently. Hard to feel ‘up’ and comfortable when all you can focus on is shivering and being uncomfortable. I suppose I could crank up the heat but I can’t afford it and besides, since the vent in my bedroom is putting out little heat thanks the menaces called cats that get down there and fuck up the piping…I just need some mega warm clothes, apparently. Which I normally do cos I get shit cheap at yard sales but since I put every dime into sending Spook to summer camp, I had to give up yard sales this year alas having no warm winter clothes.

Okay, purge complete. Maybe now my brain will slow down, shut up enough, and allow me to accomplish…something. I did the bath thing yesterday so..maybe today…dishes.

Tragic H8te ball says…unlikely.

Dysphoric Doll

Posted in anxiety, depression, pmdd, pms, seasonal depression with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Dysphoria is a state of mental discomfort or suffering. When you feel dysphoria — you feel depressed and awful.It’s a state of unease, anxiety, and misery.

Losing our kitten, hormonal imbalance, weather related depression, money stress…It’d make anyone sad, right?

Except my sadness has ballooned into outright dysphoria. Zero energy, zero will to live. Getting up to get my kid off to school today was grueling. How I wanted to remain in my warm sarcophagus of blankets and sleep.

The news depressed me. What a farce. I made it about 15 minutes before I changed the channel. Not that my brain is any state to focus or even be distracted by TV.

This misery has seeped down into my bones and I feel utterly useless, helpless.

I saw a motivational poster at the psych center yesterday about making every day of your life count and how it is up to you whether you waste it or make it a memorable day of productivity. It’s almost humorous to put something like that in a place where so many of us go because our minds tell us, no matter how well things are going, that we are too exhausted and demoralized to even bathe.

I won’t prolong this woe is me bullshit. But what I thought was feeling low last week was nothing compared to how I am feeling now. You could shove me into a six foot hole, cover me with dirt, and I’d be hard pressed to even protest weakly.

My love for my child and cats should make me more determined. Instead, I feel so despondent. Maybe another day in Fort Blankie is in order. I did get out and function yesterday, at least. I can always take the paperwork to town tomorrow and get Spook’s new script. I can’t get my scripts because I won’t have the copay til next month so I will have two weeks without Cymbalta and Wellbutrin.

Okay, enough bitching and moaning. Just wanted anyone else who is going through a dark depression who might happen upon this…you’re not alone. And it’s not your fault.

Rain Drain And Mercy Proofed

Posted in anxiety, depression, S.A.D, seasonal depression, Seasonal Sffective Disorder with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I have sufferedfrom (and make no mistake, it is suffering) seasonal affective disorder since I was an adolescent. It comes every year like clockwork around the end of September/start of October, though there have been a few times it did not start until Novemner if the weather was stretching summer like weather longer. Every psych professional I have ever seen about this seasonal depression boils it down to the same (bogus) assertion that it is caused only by the shortened daylight hours and can only be cured with light therapy and exercise. I bought into their garbage therapy and bought the pricey lights that mimick sunlight and it doesn’t do a damn thing. Because I believe seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D) is hardwired into your brain chemistry and body chemistry so even if you rev up your metabolism and fake yourself out with false light…what it boils down to is the inablity to ever get warm and this immovable ‘veil’ that covers your mind for six months until the season shifts from fall and winter to spring and summer. That is how it is for me, anyway.

This is not to say that I entirely discount the impact sunlight has on mental health issues and mood. Just today alone, without the previous two days of cool gloom, is enough to make me miss the retina scorching skin torching sunshine I usually admire from indoors but avoid much contact with. It was raining when I woke at 7 a.m. and is still raining at 7 p.m., not one single break in sight. No sun. No warmth. I am already craving tomorrow’s forecast, which while not warm, is alleged to be sunny. That will warm the house significantly and it will lift my mood out of the gutter.

It just angers me that they oversimplify what I endure by chalking it up to nothing more than some missing daylight hours. It’s more than that. That is significant but my seasonal can carry over into spring if the weather is still cold or excessively damp and rainy. This rain, with the cold, does me in. Warm rain does not impact me as much. But we are on day 3 without sunshine, and 12 hours of solid rain…My mood has been looking up at the belly of a snake today, it’s so low. And much of that is tied to not having working heat and being cold, but also not even being able to step off the porch because it is so rainy and cold. I feel tied down, locked up, locked inside. That bums me out. And since I am now waking at 7 a.m. and it’s dark outside, I am going to likely feel this overwhelming lowness for the next five months. So sunshine plays a part but it’s not the entire disorder and being told that it is by so called professionals has lead me to believe they don’t know a damn thing about it other than ‘it’s the winter blues’. I wish it were that simple.

I pulled off a mom win and got my kid a ride to town with my dad and his crew so she might try to use her Pumpkin festival ticket but with the rain and cold, not sure if she got to or not. She went with and got out of the house, at least, and is at a church function right now. That’s 8 kid free hours I have had. Unfortunately, with three active kittens loose who like to mess with electrical cords, I can’t say I’ve had much mental or physical rest.

I settled into season 3 of Z Nation, where an episode resonated with me. The evil guy secured metal helmet thingies to the attack zombies barring the necessary kill shot thus “mercy proofing” them and…I kind of feel that way with my mental issues. I can’t even be put out of my misery. And it isn’t some dramatic boo hoo self pity thing. It’s just this feeling of not being able to escape feeling like shit.

I feel so good about all I have accomplished but other than regaining control of my home’s chaos and making it ‘worthy’ of others’ approval…what did I accomplish? Nothing is different inside my head. I still want to be asleep ALL the time. I still feel like I am crawling out of my skin with anxiety over every sound, call, knock. I did all this stuff to regain control of my life but frankly…it’s an illusion. I never did get a follow up call from my psych center since THEIR telepsych service failed. How is that remotely fair to me? How is it meeting any bare necessity standard of care? I don’t think this place is ever gonna have their shit together again. Last time it was remotely adequate was circa 2015. But that awesome doctor left necessitating telepsych cos they can’t keep shrinks and their standards for psych nurse’s is laughable. If I don’t have any hope for my standard of care and things aren’t magically fixed by having a clean house…what hope is there, period? Mercy proofed. No mercy. Just misery.

Think I’d prefer to battle the zombies. Might be hope for a better outcome with them. Least I’d have the satisfaction of killing off some bad guys instead of always feeling like I am at their mercy. And a psych center this inept and uncaring…Yeah, I’d have much better luck and hope for a positive resolution with zombies.

That could be the weather laden depression talking but at the moment…it is how I am feeling. I worked my ass off and now my home is tidy enough to pass muster with the masses but…it changed nothing inside my sick mind. So maybe feeling out of control worsened things, but being more in control didn’t really lessen things, either. I guess my unmedicated mind got this inkling that if I just stayed off the antidepressants and detoxed from them and got shit done, well, then I’d miraculously become bipolar one and only need Lamictal and feel all better.

Delusions of grandeur. Lovely symptom of bipolar, getting it in your mind that “maybe just maybe this time” will be the magic time you won’t need more meds instead of less. I wanted to be okay, I really did. But I am not. The only improvement is that off the Zoloft, I have no thoughts of self harm. But I also have no hope or energy or even give a damn so wtf…

I curse myself every day for not having just become a drunken pothead as opposed to this neverending and seemingly pointless effort at getting proper psych treatment.

To be honest, I am irked with the current state of how being a pot user is socially acceptable and somehow cool or kosher as opposed to being a drinker or cigarette smoker. If being stoned is my only option, I’m gonna have to stay miserable and retain my brain cells. Pot makes most people, me included, lose IQ points by the dozen. While politically that may be smiled upon these days…

God, it just makes me more depressed. I don’t want to have to become an imbecile to get through life or to be considered cool.

Fuck it, I stopped making sense even to myself three paragraphs ago. Rain drain, gah.

Snuggies, Lemons, And Springter

Posted in depression, seasonal depression, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 12, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

If you are new to my blog you are likely unaware of how I frequently create hybrid words. Well, today, I have a new one. Springter. Because it’s 45 in May and we are freezing, warming our socks in the dryer, using a space heater, and searching for the winter clothes and snuggies we just packed away BECAUSE WE THOUGHT IT WAS SPRING. The calendar lies. Mother Nature is a lying deceitful bitch. For people like me whose depressive cycles coincide frequently with bad weather, this is like  a  death knoll. I can’t think straight because I am so bloody cold. And NO, turning on the furnace in May is NOT gonna happen. Cranking it on every shiver is what put me on the bad side of a $900 three month bill, I need the break for summer to catch up by not using the furnace and gas. Least we do have this little space heater but unless you’re on top of it, it doesn’t do much to warm your hands. I think I still have hands, they’re numb from being so cold. SPRINGTER.

Yesterday was a low day, and sure, the cold and rain is part of it, but it was also a normal mood low that comes with the ebb and flow of bipolar depression. I got focused on is it bedtime yet, and that’s all I could think about. I was cold, I was depressed, I felt anxious, and darkness and bedtime are my only real safe spaces in Armpit. If it’s still light out, then there’s every likelihood my dad and his crew are gonna be calling and showing up unannounced and getting me all stressed out with no one to choke (legally.) It truly was just a fight to survive yesterday because of my mental space. The mental health Gods gave me lemons and I was too crippled by my illnesses to make lemonade.

I still have those lemons today, in the form of being cold, uncomfortable, pissy, and all around irate. The added bonus today, though, is that my brain is in hyperdrive, like ADHD hell with the bouncing thoughts and inability to accomplish a single thing because I CANNOT FOCUS. I take the lemons to make lemonade, forget about it, then I think, ooh, I can cook a good Mother’s Day meal, maybe I use some lemon zest, or hey, lemon water could help me lose weight and…STOP. But scumbag brain doesn’t stop, just keeps going.

My daughter brought me some cool gifties home from church that she made me. Then she ran off to her grandfather’s house. I feel loved. We were supposed to have a meal in town at my mom’s but they are all sick there so much as I didn’t want to drive or socialize, I really did want meatloaf and mashed potatoes. My cupboard is down to hot dogs, corn dogs, chicken nuggets and ramen. A good filling meal sounded really nice…But I understand, no one who feels ill enjoys a good meal so we will just postpone it.

It’s Mother’s Day otherwise known as ‘my uterus performed its function, I am sooo special’ day. If you missed the comic I posted,  Click if you want a funny. I have zero motivation so I am just gonna try to keep my brain from bursting out of my skull with its ping pong ball thoughts bouncing about.

Maybe later I will think to take the lemons life gave me and make some lemonade and be all happy to be alive and yada yada. It could happen. Satan could also order air conditioning for Hell.

Spooky Sockhands- it is that cold inside.

boopy sockhands.jpg

Is There A Correlation Between Seasonal Depression And Body Temperature?

Posted in seasonal depression with tags , , , , , on March 8, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Yesterday, in my infinite lack of wisdom, I dared to Google an answer to this question, or at least see if more information is available on the topic.

I found a bunch of articles where supposedly intelligent psychiatric and psychological professionals postulate that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SEASONAL DEPRESSION.

Well, I immediately started looking for contact forms because I am living proof that it is very very real and how dare they say otherwise! Then I calmed down because it is too much trouble creating more accounts with more passowrds and to what end? If these so called professional puppets don’t believe SAD exists even with all of the evidence that says it does, nothing I say will change their minds.

I have battled winter depression since I was 14 years old. The doctors have often thought this simply tied more into my bipolar two mood disorder and the lack of sunlight, as opposed to being more than ‘the winter blues’. The psych care here is bad, and lately, it has gotten even worse, so I am fortunate when they get my meds right and don’t try to kill me. (That is not a joke, a recent screw up by their practitioner could have landed me in the hospital with serotonin syndrome if I didn’t have so much knowledge on the matter.) The incontrovertible evidence that seasonal depression is real is the patterns over the years that never really seem to change. Towards September when we near autumn, I start to downward spiral, slowly at first. By mid October and in spite of my passion for all things Halloween, I am barely functioning. From there it just gets worse and housework piles up and I am filled with shame and self loathing but can’t ‘snap out of it’.

I do not dispute that sunlight does play a role in our moods, especially seasonal depression. However, this artificial light therapy is about the only treatment they’ve come up with in 40 years. It failed for me, big time, and the doctors simply cannot accept this. It is somehow my fault. When I have tried to explain the true problem for me, personally, I have been dismissed and have met with either apathy or disbelief. But this is not some grasping at straws thing I just came up with. I’ve been battling this disorder over 30 years and it seems to me that my worst days are the ones where I cannot get warm. It starts about mid October and lasts til the start of April. Until my body ‘fee’s warm, I find myself chilled, shivering, layering clothing (I have on two pairs of pants at the moment and am still freezing) and of course, that wonderful old standby, Fort Blankie. Getting up and moving around only seems to work on the days when there is sun providing warmth for the house and the temperature is above 40.

The pages that came up on my ‘it does not exist’ search indicated there has been a minimal study of this sort of thing and it ended up being concluded, based on taking the temperature multiple times in people with SAD and without and there being no difference in their readings. Well, I am not here disputing a thermometer. But there is something different in my brain and body that causes me to feel cold six months of the year even when others are comfortable.

My daughter is running around in a t-shirt and undies. The thermostat on th furnace reads 66, and I have it cranked to 73 but I think it’s on the fritz. Still, if she can trot around half clothed and it doesn’t bother her yet I fought getting out of bed an hour just to avoid the feeling of being soo cold…I think it bears more research and study amongst the professionals. I know one of the physical causes for this disparity of actual temperature and body and mind’s perception of it rests with the thyroid but as my tests have always been normal, this does not seem to be the case for me.

This is very real, very miserable for me. Yet if I am warm enough for a few weeks, my mood lifts (even if anxiety skyrockets) so there has to be something going on here with my mind and body. They may not know what but it’s not psychosomatic or drama. I do wish they’d explore the topic more in psych literature as it could be a huge breakthrough in treating seasonal affective disorder. Heaven knows they need a new way other than light therapy or a type of therapy designed for trauma survivors which is almost laughable in concept when used for seasonal depression. I think they know very little about it and thus deem it unimportant. Even places that claim to specialize in treating seasonal depression are staffed by people with so little expertise, their unanimous advice, through ten of their staff members as they can’t keep help, has always been ‘buy a light lamp, it’s just the lack of sunlight causing your depression.”

If that is the best the psychiatric field has to offer those who suffer from this crippling disorder, then I truly understand why so many have moved away from traditional treatment and toward experimental or self medicating with chemicals easily available. The very drugs that are deemed bad are actually showing great success in treating many forms of mental health issues and the evidence of effectiveness without major risks isn’t strong…Things like CBD products and experimental ketamine-based treatments may put a big dent in big pharma.

Until then, could I have some warm saline pumped into my body so I can feel warm for awhile? It truly is that extreme.