Archive for the seasonal depression Category

Snuggies, Lemons, And Springter

Posted in depression, seasonal depression, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 12, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

If you are new to my blog you are likely unaware of how I frequently create hybrid words. Well, today, I have a new one. Springter. Because it’s 45 in May and we are freezing, warming our socks in the dryer, using a space heater, and searching for the winter clothes and snuggies we just packed away BECAUSE WE THOUGHT IT WAS SPRING. The calendar lies. Mother Nature is a lying deceitful bitch. For people like me whose depressive cycles coincide frequently with bad weather, this is like  a  death knoll. I can’t think straight because I am so bloody cold. And NO, turning on the furnace in May is NOT gonna happen. Cranking it on every shiver is what put me on the bad side of a $900 three month bill, I need the break for summer to catch up by not using the furnace and gas. Least we do have this little space heater but unless you’re on top of it, it doesn’t do much to warm your hands. I think I still have hands, they’re numb from being so cold. SPRINGTER.

Yesterday was a low day, and sure, the cold and rain is part of it, but it was also a normal mood low that comes with the ebb and flow of bipolar depression. I got focused on is it bedtime yet, and that’s all I could think about. I was cold, I was depressed, I felt anxious, and darkness and bedtime are my only real safe spaces in Armpit. If it’s still light out, then there’s every likelihood my dad and his crew are gonna be calling and showing up unannounced and getting me all stressed out with no one to choke (legally.) It truly was just a fight to survive yesterday because of my mental space. The mental health Gods gave me lemons and I was too crippled by my illnesses to make lemonade.

I still have those lemons today, in the form of being cold, uncomfortable, pissy, and all around irate. The added bonus today, though, is that my brain is in hyperdrive, like ADHD hell with the bouncing thoughts and inability to accomplish a single thing because I CANNOT FOCUS. I take the lemons to make lemonade, forget about it, then I think, ooh, I can cook a good Mother’s Day meal, maybe I use some lemon zest, or hey, lemon water could help me lose weight and…STOP. But scumbag brain doesn’t stop, just keeps going.

My daughter brought me some cool gifties home from church that she made me. Then she ran off to her grandfather’s house. I feel loved. We were supposed to have a meal in town at my mom’s but they are all sick there so much as I didn’t want to drive or socialize, I really did want meatloaf and mashed potatoes. My cupboard is down to hot dogs, corn dogs, chicken nuggets and ramen. A good filling meal sounded really nice…But I understand, no one who feels ill enjoys a good meal so we will just postpone it.

It’s Mother’s Day otherwise known as ‘my uterus performed its function, I am sooo special’ day. If you missed the comic I posted,  Click if you want a funny. I have zero motivation so I am just gonna try to keep my brain from bursting out of my skull with its ping pong ball thoughts bouncing about.

Maybe later I will think to take the lemons life gave me and make some lemonade and be all happy to be alive and yada yada. It could happen. Satan could also order air conditioning for Hell.

Spooky Sockhands- it is that cold inside.

boopy sockhands.jpg


Is There A Correlation Between Seasonal Depression And Body Temperature?

Posted in seasonal depression with tags , , , , , on March 8, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Yesterday, in my infinite lack of wisdom, I dared to Google an answer to this question, or at least see if more information is available on the topic.

I found a bunch of articles where supposedly intelligent psychiatric and psychological professionals postulate that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SEASONAL DEPRESSION.

Well, I immediately started looking for contact forms because I am living proof that it is very very real and how dare they say otherwise! Then I calmed down because it is too much trouble creating more accounts with more passowrds and to what end? If these so called professional puppets don’t believe SAD exists even with all of the evidence that says it does, nothing I say will change their minds.

I have battled winter depression since I was 14 years old. The doctors have often thought this simply tied more into my bipolar two mood disorder and the lack of sunlight, as opposed to being more than ‘the winter blues’. The psych care here is bad, and lately, it has gotten even worse, so I am fortunate when they get my meds right and don’t try to kill me. (That is not a joke, a recent screw up by their practitioner could have landed me in the hospital with serotonin syndrome if I didn’t have so much knowledge on the matter.) The incontrovertible evidence that seasonal depression is real is the patterns over the years that never really seem to change. Towards September when we near autumn, I start to downward spiral, slowly at first. By mid October and in spite of my passion for all things Halloween, I am barely functioning. From there it just gets worse and housework piles up and I am filled with shame and self loathing but can’t ‘snap out of it’.

I do not dispute that sunlight does play a role in our moods, especially seasonal depression. However, this artificial light therapy is about the only treatment they’ve come up with in 40 years. It failed for me, big time, and the doctors simply cannot accept this. It is somehow my fault. When I have tried to explain the true problem for me, personally, I have been dismissed and have met with either apathy or disbelief. But this is not some grasping at straws thing I just came up with. I’ve been battling this disorder over 30 years and it seems to me that my worst days are the ones where I cannot get warm. It starts about mid October and lasts til the start of April. Until my body ‘fee’s warm, I find myself chilled, shivering, layering clothing (I have on two pairs of pants at the moment and am still freezing) and of course, that wonderful old standby, Fort Blankie. Getting up and moving around only seems to work on the days when there is sun providing warmth for the house and the temperature is above 40.

The pages that came up on my ‘it does not exist’ search indicated there has been a minimal study of this sort of thing and it ended up being concluded, based on taking the temperature multiple times in people with SAD and without and there being no difference in their readings. Well, I am not here disputing a thermometer. But there is something different in my brain and body that causes me to feel cold six months of the year even when others are comfortable.

My daughter is running around in a t-shirt and undies. The thermostat on th furnace reads 66, and I have it cranked to 73 but I think it’s on the fritz. Still, if she can trot around half clothed and it doesn’t bother her yet I fought getting out of bed an hour just to avoid the feeling of being soo cold…I think it bears more research and study amongst the professionals. I know one of the physical causes for this disparity of actual temperature and body and mind’s perception of it rests with the thyroid but as my tests have always been normal, this does not seem to be the case for me.

This is very real, very miserable for me. Yet if I am warm enough for a few weeks, my mood lifts (even if anxiety skyrockets) so there has to be something going on here with my mind and body. They may not know what but it’s not psychosomatic or drama. I do wish they’d explore the topic more in psych literature as it could be a huge breakthrough in treating seasonal affective disorder. Heaven knows they need a new way other than light therapy or a type of therapy designed for trauma survivors which is almost laughable in concept when used for seasonal depression. I think they know very little about it and thus deem it unimportant. Even places that claim to specialize in treating seasonal depression are staffed by people with so little expertise, their unanimous advice, through ten of their staff members as they can’t keep help, has always been ‘buy a light lamp, it’s just the lack of sunlight causing your depression.”

If that is the best the psychiatric field has to offer those who suffer from this crippling disorder, then I truly understand why so many have moved away from traditional treatment and toward experimental or self medicating with chemicals easily available. The very drugs that are deemed bad are actually showing great success in treating many forms of mental health issues and the evidence of effectiveness without major risks isn’t strong…Things like CBD products and experimental ketamine-based treatments may put a big dent in big pharma.

Until then, could I have some warm saline pumped into my body so I can feel warm for awhile? It truly is that extreme.