Archive for the seasonal affective disorder Category

Aggro-Thankful

Posted in anxiety, depression, seasonal affective disorder with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

This week is Thanksgiving thus next week, December 3rd, is #Giving Tuesday. This is a time to be thankful for what we have, not necessarily monetary stuff. Even though my daughter and I are in a very dire financial situation due to the donor screwing us over on child support,again, (an on-line friend put money into our paypal account so I could refill my meds and buy toilet paper til next week, WE ❤ YOU, CAROL ANNE!)…I have been pondering how to ‘give back’ in whatever way I can. At this time, I have zero cash outside 24 cents in my wallet and $1.18 on my debit card so…

My contribution will be for Thanksgiving, as usual, buying and cooking chicken and noodles with what little is left on our food card. Idk why everyone from my mom to my sister’s husband’s friends go gaga when I bring noodles, I don’t do a bloody thing special, frozen noodles and a boiled chicken, but…people actually get disappointed if I don’t bring them so…It’s the only thing I can do. Maybe on #Giving Tuesday, I will offer to let my kid’s friend come hang out at our house thus giving his parents a break. It’s a little silly, I suppose, but I don’t even have gas in the car to go into town and like, volunteer at the pet shelter or soup kitchen. (Oh, and FYI, when you have even a misdemeanor theft charge on your record from nearly 20 years ago, even volunteer work often results in rejection, because ya know, much as society thumps its chest on ‘correction and rehabilitation’, they never truly believe anyone can change and become better versions of themselves minus prior bad acts.) And for anyone who thinks I am just making excuses, you are welcome to drive my ailing car on its low fuel and prove me wrong. If desire to help counted for anything, I would be considered a major benefactor.

So let’s do the thankful, first, and pardon me if it seems a little thin compared to my aggro issues but…it is what it is…

I AM THANKFUL FOR…

my daughter and I having a roof overhead, heat, electricity, water, and food in our bellies.
our cats, whose furry loving and purring make me feel like there’s light at the end of the very dark tunnel.
for my fucked up family who drives me insane, yet at least we have a place to go for holidays, which is more than so many people have.
our good physical health. We could be sick like so many others so this, too, is a gift to show gratitude for.
Good friends, IRL and on line, who help with a donation here and there and always offer their love, support, and encouragement. You guys are awesome and we love you.
My healthy, beautiful, smart, creative daughter. She drives me to lunacy but she has helped me become a less selfish, more grounded, and better person. I am grateful for her and to her.
My $450 car which is still running 18 months later, even if ailing at this time and wanting for fuel. It ain’t shiny or particularly pretty, but it has done us good and my dad bought it for us, so to car and donor dad, we are thankful.
our landlord. Who, unliked our prior landlord of 9 years who so often left us for weeks without heat during winter because he was too cheap to fix the furnace properly…Our current landlord fussed over the cost and it did take a week due to a part needed ordered from out of state, be he got it fixed and did not evict us, so we are grateful.
To R, for fixing our water heater free of charge not once, but twice. He is rude and thoughtless of our feelings, but when he is around, he’s pretty giving even if I have to grovel for that giving. Twenty plus years of friendship, bad blood, and we can still stomach each other. Big deal for me.
This laptop. A freebie from my days at R’s shop, 4 years later it is still going, even if the screen backlights are going out and the fan needs cleaned.
My nephew who installed Win 7 on this laptop and all the drivers and got it running 4 years ago.
My sister, who remains a badass metalhead like me, in spite of the forces around her draining the life and freedom out of her.
My mom, whose irresponsibility in making sure they can eat for the month goes out the window to buy my kid all the Christmas gifts I can never afford and am too responsible to throw caution to the wind to appease a fickle child.
Music. Even if my anxiety disorder dictates that it makes me panic…It has always been an oasis for me, anyway, when I am strong enough to cope with the anxiety it causes.
TV shows. Forensic Files, Unsolved Mysteries, True Blood, Buffy, Angel, E.R., et al…My fictional escape from the drudgery of depression and anxiety have been a calming blessing.
The on line friends who have moved on or passed, whose presence in my life, in whatever capacity, for however long, helped me survive some shitty stuff. Tyler, Becca, Kat/Kitty, Blah, Sass, Leslie, Andrew, Deon, Carol Anne, Patty, Kathy, Paul, Jason, Adrienne, Jennifer, and a few others whose blogs I read and they follow me but we’ve never really exchanged real names…YOU ARE ALL VERY IMPORTANT TO ME AND I LOVE YOU ALL IN MY OWN FUCKED UP WAY. If I have ever seemed ungrateful or bitchy or neflectful, you have my sincerest apologies. You’ve all made a huge difference in my life, as well as Spook’s and words defy the affection and gratitude we feel for each and every one of you.
Programs like SSDI, SSI, Food Stamps, Food pantries, Toys for Tots, Heat Assistance, Shop with a Cop, Angel Tree- for those of us in precarious situations and often at the mercy of cruel, flaky exes who contribute little to OUR children…The help is not merely viewed as a handout and we do not feel entitled. We are thankful for anything that helps us when we need it and this year…WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET. And I truly am tired of saying it, but this is three years in a row the donor has quit/lost a job and left us high and dry on child support we desperately needed. I have high hopes that one day the help we receive, I will be able to pay forward.
My new telepsych doc, who has helped me more in 2 appointments than the NP did in a year. I won’t say the new combo has me wanting to live life to the fullest, but a return to the higher dose Xanax and the dual therapy as opposed to monotherapy, has helped considerably.
Kind people who understand not everyone chooses to be in a shitty financial/mental sitation and help out, even with a spirit lifting card, a thoughtful email, or a $5 deposit on paypal. You are who I wish I had the means to be because the kindness is in my heart, just not in my bank account. I ❤ you.

AND NOW FOR ALL THAT IS AGGRAVATING ME TO THE POINT OF NEEDING TO THROW AXES AND VISIT A RAGE ROOM:

Meridian RX Insurance. I made a trip to town today to get my kid’s 20mg Metadate refilled and the insurance company refused OVER ONE FUCKING DAY EVEN THOUGH TOMORROW THE PHARMACY IS CLOSED. So my kid has to do without her meds cos one month had 31 days but the script is only for 30 and insurance won’t fucking cooperate. YOU SUCK, MERIDIAN! And IL state, too, for all their constrictive laws on ADHD meds and forcing kid care into an HMO hellish ordeal. If the doctor’s records indicate a refill is needed and they sign off on it, that should trump a bloody ass trash insurance company.
The fact that we had 70 mph winds last night and I woke up in the middle, unable to turn off my panic and paranoia because the wind was whipping so hard the windows were rattling in their frames. BUT I thought it was midnight and I had plenty of time to get back to sleep only to later realize…The phone says it’s 4:30 a.m. which means my alarm clock bedside lost power briefly and reset at 12:00 so I have two less hours to get some fucking sleep.
My brain for refusing to get to sleep, even with melatonin, until after the 6:30 a.m. alarm went off. Then I hit snooze four times and managed to nap in those increments, only to have to PRY myself awake and bellow for my child to get up cos I had no energy to move.
ME, for going back to sleep after my kid went to school, even if I truly was due the extra sleep. My plan for the day was to head to town by 9 a.m. Instead, I didn’t wake up and leave until 11, by which time I was mentally flogging myself for being so weak as to need more sleep.
Our kitten Ember, who for some reason, peed on my blanket. When you have no dryer and can’t hang things out to dry and no money for a laundromat…Dirty laundry, especially big heavy blankets, become an ordeal.
Public Aid, who is in no hurry to raise our food benefits, even though we have gone 5 weeks without a dime of child support. Kids can’t just skip eating, and I can’t just skip paying rent to buy food while red tape is processing. Frugal as I am, evem I can’t feed two people, especially a never full kid, on $150 for six weeks.
Rarely ever feeling warm enough, even under two covers or two layers of clothing. Whatever is wrong with my body’s thermostat needs to be FIXED.
Wind chafed lips. I have something going on with my mouth that signifies too much drool and wind exposure so my lips are red and chafed and I look like an infectious monkey. HATE.
My attention span, or lack of it, which hinders my ability to focus on functioning, let alone enjoying life.
The doctors who confuse me by saying yes you are A.D>D and need Focalin, then those who say no, artifact of bipolar, and oh, the ass trash insurance comapny that won’t cover the medication at all even if it makes me more functional and more productive.
Living in Armpit where the only businesses are a grain elevator and a minimart. Where the minimart only sells toilet paper by the roll and it costs $2.39 for ONE roll of T.P.
Living in Armpit, period. If gas was 99 cents a gallon circa 1989, I’d likely not have an issue. But nearly $3.00 a gallon and I need a gallon and a half for every trip to town where you can get anything, especially affordable things…It makes me feel isolated and not in a good way.
My desktop computer that keeled over even though I had it less than 6 months and barely used it. I NEED TO TO FUCKING WRITE AND I NEED MY DESKTOP TO DO IT, TRAITOR!
Myself-for not having the inner peace to write outside a desktop computer. But how many laptops have to be fried from overheating because my writing jags can last 18 hours? How about a laptop with a battery that lasts longer than 90 minutes and has enough fans to avoid overheating? Oh, right. That costs MONEY. But then again, the business model is to make them flimsy as possible so people have no choice but to replace them with a new model every couple of years. Ass trash.
Family who lives to insult and run me down, all the while wearing a smile and going, why do not want to hang with us?
Two faced people. Like my stepmonster offering me toilet paper, but then my dad is there and she says, ‘ask your daddy’ and he says, dead serious, ‘here, use this newspaper, was good enough when I was a kid.’ WTF, bitch? You brag that you wear the pants in the family then tell us to be submissive to our ‘daddy’ full well knowing he will say something negative…Two. Faced.
Myself. For not having the fortitude to stay awake the last few days and get housework done so that it is heading back to biohazard zone after how hard I worked to make it decent.
Myself. For having a sadistic conscience that cuts me zero slack no matter how awful I feel. I beat myself up so much, I may as well be a punching bag.
Society. For the newfound ‘victimhood’ tag that pretty much invalidates any emotion one might have as some sort of pansy snowflake weakness of character. I keep blogging but I am ever mindful of all the ‘snowflake’ and ‘victimhood’ bullshit that saturates the internet.
Social media. Once upon a time, the internet was a semi safe space if all you wanted was to type your feelings and be amongst people who would understand and empathize with your words. It felt mature, it felt legit, it felt…wonderful. Then came Facebook and Twitter and now…the internet has become an ugly, hostile, name calling junior high school. I opt to stick my mental health blog clique as opposed to joining any social media site where I would likely become a target from trolls. I am not saying trolls didn’t exist 15 years ago. I am just saying that even when the ‘leader of the free world’ is Tweeting 20 times a day and posting pics of his head pasted onto a muscle laden movie star chest while insulting anyone who dares to disagree with anything he says…HELLO, JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL????
Mental health issues. I didn’t ask for this and I am tired of people acting as if it’s a choice I made to inconvenience them.
The term ‘behavioral health’ that has replace mental health in the medical community. It invalidates any sort of thought disorder, making even schizophrenia come off as ‘bad behavior’. It is a disservice to patients and professionals alike and I’d like to Z Whack whatever fuckhead coined the term and managed to transform an entire field to a different terminology that is a falsehood. Hey, I wanna rename brain surgery, “zombie apocalypse preparedness surgery”, can I, oh, please, oh please? ASS TRASH!

I will leave it there because honestly I could go on forever about all that pisses me off. And I know, it’s my issue, it’s on me, I am my own worst enemy. Blah blah blah. But my only self edict in this blog has been to be true to myself and simply tell my truth…no matter how irrational, discombobulated, unfair, ridiculous, self involved, delusional, paranoid, vapid, redundant…

This is me. This is who I am.

And if you can’t make it through one of my long posts without an eye roll or a hard pass cos you just don’t have the time…IMAGINE HOW I FEEL HAVING TO LIVE THIS WAY.

You get to click a box to ignore, close, move on.

And honestly, I envy you.

But it is what it is and this is my fucked up sanity challenged personality disorder laden reality.

And ya know what?

I AM GRATEFUL THAT WORDPRESS AND THE POWER OF THE INTERNET ALLOW ME THE LUXURY OF VENTING ALL MY INSANE FEELINGS HERE TO SHARE WITH OTHERS. Then in a way, I do get to click an X and exit the page and go…somewhere else. Even if the mentality remains the same, at least I have purged and moved onto a different page.

It ain’t much but I will take what I can get.

I am needy. Not greedy.

Runaway Brain

Posted in anxiety, Attention Deficit Disorder, depression, seasonal affective disorder with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Either my unmedicated A.D.D hijacked even more of my brain chemicals to get so chaotic or the raise in Cymbalta has amped up my hypomanic energy but…wow, my brain is racing today. Wasn’t prior to taking my meds. Now it’s like pulling in six different radio stations on one channel and I don’t know if I wanna listen to metal, pop, country, dance, rap, or thrash so it’s all doing battle to get my attention and I am utterly confused where to go next. But nooo, I do not need Focalin at all, ass trash insurance company.

Nope, despite a relativity early bedtime and only waking six times during the night (6 is pretty good with my mega sleep disturbance), I did not have the strength to pull myself out of bed on this cool gloomy day. I hit snooze til 7:10 then did the Evil Daily Deed that is waking the spawn. It usually involves her growling and groaning and sometimes yelling at me so I have to scorch her retinas with the overhead light and pull the covers off of her so she can spew more pea soup at me…So on top of still being half asleep and having cramps, I had to deal with her daily wardrobe drama and Monday morning ‘don’t want to go to school, I am sick’ litany. (Which starts on Sunday nights, I call it Sunday-itis, how she hates this bloody school yet what can I do? And she isn’t even consistent in hating the place, every day is some new declaration of love or hate, puberty anyone?)

So far other than send the kid to school and take care of the indoor and outdoor cats, I have done nothing. Spook was supposed to have a dental appointment today but I left a message canceling it Friday since the car is out of gas. Then they started calling both phones and texting me about missing the appointment and I’m just like, not my fault you can’t check your damn messages, I gave 72 hours notice. Geesh. Just a cleaning, anyway. I guess a true grown up would have answered the phone and done a mea culpa, but the runaway train that is my brain just isn’t feeling the ‘adulting’ thing today.

Oh, I stand (sit) corrected, I have been proof reading an old novel I wrote AND THIS IS HUGE: I am playing music. Usuaully it rattles me too much and on this laptop it sort of sounds like crap, metal needs bass and metal and this has none. BUT yesterday I got dealt another death blow. MY DESKTOP COMPUTER STARTED EMITTING A SHRIEKING NON STOP BEEP AS I TRIED TO BOOT IT UP. I looked it up on line and it’s apparently a hardware problem which I know nothing about. R is out of town. My nephew is busy with impending parenthood, a paper route, a wife, and oh, reformatting my kid’s netbook. So much as I feel the stirrings of my creative writing trying to wake up, now my desktop computer won’t work. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I bought it used four months ago and even sprang for the warranty but hey guess what? You gotta send it to the warranty place and shipping for a heavy tower is around $30…(I only paid $49 for the tower,ffs!) I gotta stop buying old shit, shoulda known it was iffy since it still has a 3.5 inch floppy drive. But it was working fine, I don’t understand what happened. I made sure it wasn’t near the heat vent, that it has plenty of ventilation in back. Hell, I was in such a depression, I barely used it more than half a dozen times. I did, however, leave it in sleep mode for 3 months so god knows what damage that did. I had a bad juju feeling that if I shut it down something bad would happen and it did…

I can write blog posts, short stories, poems, letters, etc, from a laptop. But when it comes to 400 page novels and using external drives and creating pathways for my playlists and using my kick ass speakers…I need a tower to avoid overheating and avoid overtaxing its brain. Now…I am fucked.

But it was like I told my sister, every time something good happens, it is generally followed by two or three bad things. We got heat, got our hot water heater fixed, even got the kitchen faucet replaced and the bathroom sink unclogged…So of fucking course, my PC tower had to keel over. THEN my bedroom smart TV (used, $69) went spaztic and wouldn’t let me use my apps for two days and I reset everything I could think of, signed in and out, turned it off and on. Then I remembered a trick R taught me at the shop, how sometimes unplugging them for ten minutes can ‘reboot’ the system kinks and I’ll be damned after that, the apps started working again. Sadly that is not the easy fix for the living room TV. The IR sensor has failed so the remote does not work and we can’t access any smart features without it. That fix is gonna involve stripping the TV to its frame and about two hours labor and I know R will do it for me and not charge a dime but…he is never available, he just got shipped out of state again for his job.

Which lead to another clusterfuck in my brain because he warned me last night that IF they didn’t ship him out, he wanted to come hang out tonight. And when I woke so groggy and moody and crampy, I kept HOPING they’d ship him out, then I could avoid bathing and pretending to be social. When I found out they did ship him out, I felt a little bummed. Probably because his presence means I get free Mangoritas. I am shallow that way. I still consider it back pay for all the pro-republican tirades he put me through that nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown. Lately, though, he has toned it down greatly aside from the digs here and there about Democrats and especially the female ones Trump refers to as ‘the squad’ so that is what R calls them and I just find it so demeaning to the female gender. If a bunch of guys were like minded and such, they wouldn’t be labeled ‘the bromancers’. Oopps, that is a can of worms best left sealed and buried in concrete. Politics lead nowhere good.

Still not sure how I am gonna get Spook to her band concert Wednesday with no gas in the car. (I even emptied out lawn mower gas, but it was only half a gallon and that ain’t gonna get us to Dopia School) She has literally had ONE practice, and will have ONE more tomorrow and until 2 weeks ago she had never picked up a saxophone in her life. And band is only 30 minutes and most of that is instrument assembly so very little teaching. When she came home from her grandmother’s yesterday I suggested she get some practice in before getting on the tablet and war broke out. Tears, screaming, blaming me (which I had already heard from my mother, all because I dared to correct my kid for being mouthy)…She tried to tell me there wasn’t a single tutorial on line that might help her. I pulled a dozen up on youtube and she claimed ‘my tablet doesn’t get that’. Um, yeah, youtube is standard on Androids, duh. She does not like being caught in her lies and vivid imagination so she went bonkers over that. I eventually got her calmed down and she complained the sax didn’t sound right so she couldn’t play it. I warned her from the get that I know fuck all about music so I’d be of no help.

When she finally exited tantrum zone and started making a true effort, she actually impressed me with some of the notes she was able to make. She certainly has more of a handle on putting her fingers in different positions and remembering them. I tried to learn guitar but sadly, my brain is too scrambled. I can’t even drive a stick shift car, I am so scrambled.

So now what to do with myself since I was gonna write or try to, but the slave computer has keeled over on me. Damn it, could things ever just go right for a couple of weeks at a time instead of this ‘one good thing, two bad things’ bullshit? Whose Cheerios did I piss in?

I am so bloody sick of housework I could puke. But the other day by just saying fuck it and letting myself be lazy for awhile…I ended up accomplishing a few things. Like yesterday morning before Spook got home and it was 10 a.m. and I was doing dishes and hang drying laundry and sweeping and mopping. The more I bully myself the less I get done. And BFD if it is a do nothing, feel shitty day. I allowed someone into my inner sanctum to get that stuff fixed and that takes a lot out of me so maybe a few days of True Blood binge and not fretting over housework I can find my motivation.

And I also need to mourn the death of my desktop computer. The fifth one in a row. I am starting to think buying them used is a bad thing but since it is all I can ever afford…Amazing how I am still driving a $450 car 18 months later but I can’t get a computer tower to last beyond 6 months? I must be cursed when it comes to desktops. But I still want one so bad I’d pawn all my TVs to get one. Except for the fact the pawn shop guy pays about $20 for big tvs, less for smaller ones, so I still couldn’t raise the funds. How is pawn broking any different than loan sharking? You lowball someone desperate, jack the price up and profit…

Wow, my brain is totally off the rails on the crazy train today. At least it’s an ode to my beloved Ozzy.