Archive for the Ramble Category

Random Gobbledygook

Posted in Ramble with tags , , , , , on February 13, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Long winded bouncing topic mess

So my mood is slightly better since we are having our first sunny day in well, days. Thing is, right out of the gate, I felt my anxiety flooding my entire body. That is pretty common, I just find sunlight a big anxiety stressor (though it is a little lesser during warm months). It took me years of stubborn refusal to accept what the professions were telling me all along, mainly cos their methods were tried and failed in an epic manner, plus the ‘one size fits all’ thing is a losing cause with my from the word go. I am no longer oblivious to how crucial sunlight can be to lightening a darkned depressive mood. It allegedly cuts down anxiety levels but that has not been my experience.

After last night’s ‘slaughter your daughter’s psyche” attack from my father I find myself very uneasy, very angry, very hurt, and very frustrated. Man, I’d give every spare organ I possess if I could just get me and Spook not just out of Armpit, but out of this bloody state. My family is the kind where the less you see them, the more fond you grow of them. I have a distinct feeling that if we lived in a different state when we did occasionally come home for the holidays, we’d enjoy that time more and probably not spend the whole time bickering, yelling, and insulting each other. And let’s not forget how much a move to a warmer less severe climate could alleviate my seasonal affective depression. It seems win win win win all around.

But, as he pointed out, I can’t even afford to move out of this place in Armpit, let alone come up with enough money to move to town and especially not to move out of state. Maybe I will make a fundraiser asking for help escaping all this oppression. I think just hearing how my dad talks to me in such cutting terms might inspire people to donate cos escape is my only way out. Oh and he’s a narrow minded bigoted racist homophobic Trump loving asshole. No one, especially someone with a young child, can be expected to cope with this toxicity. I know, no one can make you feel inferior unless you give them permission. Sadly, this does not work with family. My dad paid for me to be born therefore as far as he is concerned, he has the right and obligation to tear me down daily and never ever say a nice thing about me.

Wouldn’t it be amazeballs if I could raise the money to go elsewhere and show my kid that our family ain’t normal, living in Podunk without public transport isn’t the only way, and hey, fun ball mommy might reappear. Put on my PJs, I am dreaming? I really don’t think so. Every time I left this hell hole, I never wanted to come back but it was always the shortage of money that sent me back to this hell pit. I’d do cartwheels down a busy main street if Spook and I could escape it all and start fresh and have decent happy lives not subject to the criticisms of negative nellys.

I want this so badly, for Spook, and myself.
I am irked. My usual routine has been messed up because for whatever reason, the digital antenna isn’t pulling in my usual ME channel so no Perry Mason, no Matlock, no Diagnosis, Murder, no Heat Of The Night. Maybe missing this routine contributed to the rise in my anxiety level, I don’t do well with change. I have GOT to find a way to get a better antenna, the ones we have only pull in stations 30 miles max from Armpit. Considering how isolated this town is and most stations are over 60 miles away, we definitely need an upgrade there. Though I do feel a bit like a jerk griping about it cos 2 of our antennas were given to me free and the third was $2 at a yard sale so it’s not like I got ripped off. We get 3 of major networks and a few other stations, no monthly cable bill needed. Bad part is on windy, rainy, stormy, snowy days, etc, it can wipe out channels we usually can pull in so it’s iffy at best. Still, no cable bill is awesome. I do however wish we could pull in CBS and the CW but they broadcast from too far away.
Nothing is perfect.
I am so sick of true crime shows where they point out ‘ she dressed outlandishly’ therefore, of course she was gonna become a killer. HUH? Dressing the way that makes you happy (even if just a teenager phase) has no bearing on violence or the capability of murder. BEING DIFFERENT IS NOT A CRIME NOR IS IT A PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFECT.
Worry more about people like Ted Bundy who came across completely normal, charming, handsome, and likeable. Evil wears many outfits, people. Usually they look just like the guy or girl next door. Unless of course you are my neighbor, I wear 99% black simply cos it feels slimming, doesn’t get stained, and is just what I’ve liked since I was a kid. Maybe I look different but it has no bearing on me being a psychopathic killer.
Some of us just find it more important to be true to ourselves than to try and fit into some mouldy festering cookie cutter image.
Nancy Grace is an idiot.
“So you had people over, food was served, alcohol was served, but it wasn’t a party?”
I’m a bit of a wallflower so I’m not up on party etiquette but to me, that sounds like a normal get together with a few friends thus not really a party, just hanging out.
I despise Nancy Grace.
I couldn’t pass a lie detector test if I studied…
I think the law is lacking as far as perceiving guilt when using interviews and polygraphs. There is a reason they aren’t admissable in court. With my panic attacks and general anxiety, I don’t think I could pass a polygraph even if I told the truth on every question. Hell at this point, I’d probably fail based on ‘what is your name’. Because while my parents gave me a legal name, I’ve only ever been called “Niki” so for me, that is who I am, my legal name is for legalities. Polygraphs don’t make allowances for two answers being accurate, someone’s anxiety state, or that simply feeling bad about something even if you didn’t do it, it is still called deceptive. I really don’t have much use for the law if they aren’t going to use it properly and provide ‘beyond a reasonable doubt’ evidence. Honestly, to this day, I am convinced Scott Peterson killed his wife and unborn child, but they only had a bunch of circumstantial evidence and his shitty cheating personality so he was convicted more for being a sleaze than cos guilt was proven beyond reasonable doubt. I take offense at this even if I believe they belong in jail and are guilty as sin. It simply wasn’t proven in court beyond that reasonable doubt requirement.
If being a sleaze makes you a murderer, my dad cavorting with a 17 year old girl while he was in his 50’s should make him guilty for the Lindburg baby kidnapping, being on the grassy knoll, and multiple counts of cradle robbery.
Watching way too many crime shows…
I am rarely doing anything even slightly law breaking. Think my biggest sin is the occasional trip in Armpit to the gas station without wearing a seatbelt.
Yet I find myself trying to leave digital breadcrumbs should I ever need an alibi. Normal people do not think like this. I didn’t used to but now…I’ve made too many Z whacker comments in public forum so I guess I’m just covering my own ass should some nutball decide to actually do that sort of thing.
I am NOT crazy. I am sanity challenged.
I need to dye…
my hair. My kid asked me if red, black, and gray was my original hair color.
NO. I have the cheap boxes of dye (no, $1 hair dye doesn’t make my hair crisp or fall out) but with winter depression comes ‘gives zero fucks’ about my appearance.
Now that my kid asked about my gray roots, though, it may well be time. And for the record, I was born with black/brown hair so I was getting gray roots before my 25th birthday. It was never noticeable til I fell down the rabbit hole of depression and failed to keep up with the dye jobs.
Bizarre confession…

I prefer episodes of Murder, Shae Wrote, that are set in Cabot Cove. (Yeah, effed up considering my attitude toward small towns, but the scenery there is so much prettier than here.) I don’t remember it irking me so much til I did a little research and read (on the internet, therefore it MUST be true…not) that Angela Lansbury started pushing to do more episodes outside Cabot Coven, in big cities across the world, so she could look more fancy and sophisticated.
True or not, it just sounds pretentious and I don’t play that way.
whaaaat??? Parents don’t do this sort of thing except on TV.
Yeah, I watched a show where a man was raising 2 daughters alone in a small town. One daughter was a kook, the other was very intelligent, but neither seemed to be able to make ends meet in tinytown, usa. And the dad actually said, “It is my fault, I should have moved you both out of here a long time ago so you’d have had more options.” TV parents. I want some of those.
Family dysfunction without the fun…
This crime doc has a woman and her two kids and she meets this guy willing to love them all but…he has to first pass muster with HER SISTER,in family portrait form. HUH? I know it’s good if both family factions get along but I’ve not once required my parents to approve, let alone my siblings. That is effed up.
I will, of course, ask for my spawn’s input should I ever meet a man, cos above all else, they have to treat not just me well, but my kid and cats. I know my kid, though, and she doesn’t like to share attention so if a man meets her approval, that’s the big thing.It probably means he kisses up to her and buys her a lot of stuff. Spawn be a bit…shallow.

God takes care of his own…

I’m not religious but even if I were I would find that statement offensive and an utter lie. If God truly provides, there would be ZERO instances of innocent babies tossed into trash cans and such. I have faith, I have spirituality, but they both call for occasional logic and mainstream organized religion seems devoid of that.
There is a huge difference between what we want, wish for, and expect to get. What actually is…Very different and very much indicative that God has little to do with human nature.
My sister has another cat with lukemia. This is 4 in under a year. Please, if you find one animal has it, get the others tested and vaccinated if you can. I hate seeing my sister go through this when they just buried a pet two weeks ago. I wish I had been more aware of how serious and easily communicated feline lukemia is. Not that I can do much about it, but thankfully our cats all seem healthy right now. We rent so who knows what pets previous tenants with pets had going on, it does worry me.
I told my kid we were out of ice cream…and she started stomping and screaming and calling me names.
Heaven forbid she ever gets hold of weapons and comes at me cos the Kool-Aid has less than the ‘right’ amount of sweetner. made
Oh,byw, I offered her some of my Lindor truffles and that made her scream louder and slam her bedroom door on me.
I don’t seem to be the unreasonable one here.
Watching Stephen King’s Storm Of The Century…and wondering if Big Tall Island is some bizarre play on words as big and tall are synonymous? Awful as the situation of the story is…it still seems pretty exciting compared to things in here in Armpit.
We filled out her Valentine’s for tomorrow. Well, she filled them out as I have had her do since Kindergarten but as usual I am in charge of putting the heart shaped sticker on that closes them. She says none of Armpit/Armhair district is nice enough to deserve one but I told her, hey, we may be broke, we may not be classy, but we are NOT thoughtless and rude.
I had to ask for it but she gave me an adorbs kitty Vtine that says, “You had me at meow.” That is far sweeter than any cheesy romantic line from Jerry McGuire.
It occurs to me that while I’ve hit the East coast twice as ‘passing through’, I’ve never had the pleasure of a true sight seeing trip. I am definitely putting ‘see a working lighthouse’ on my bucket list. They just have such a mystique yet old time charm about them, I think it would be better than visiting Hawaaii or whatever.
Nickel dumb…
I was trying to think of a better name for a killer clown than Pennywise. I’m used to failure but it’s still…a wee bit funny. NO NICKELBACK JOKES. I like that band, dammit. Least their lyrics make sense whereas the Grammy winning shit this year made me go what the fuck?
No doubt there might be but one reader who has time, attention span, and the give a damn to read this…so…hasta la vista, Reader. I’ll be back. Ya know later, after a dozen other things have annoyed me and inspired me to complain.
This is the magic that is me.
(total sarcasm, not conceit.)