Archive for the mood disorders Category

Gloom,doom, and wine in the afternoon

Posted in mood disorders with tags , , , on August 8, 2014 by morgueticiaatoms

I went out of the gate running this morning. Got the kid her shots, got her registered, ran errands, came home.

Bex immediately went back to bed when we got home and she didn’t even venture into the dish. Worse, she witnessed family drama on Facebook (my IP address is so sullied) so in addition to returning to the UK it will be amidst that bucket of fail. I get her depression, her mood, her desire to just sleep herself to oblivion.

But then it also stung that she’s in there sleeping her last hours here away like not even the time we have left can help and even though her departure has me miserable as well…i’m not hiding or running, I am just coping.

Then she reached hour three asleep and I opened the wine. Fuck it, it’s happy hour somewhere. She has sleep, I get the numbness of wine. And I need it.

Last night’s kid birthday party at my mom’s was…As usual, the sort of ordeal that leaves me licking my wounds. But this time, it wasn’t all the people or chaos or noise. It was my mother. She made comments about how she heard I drink all the time and that’s wrong. I’m a tightwad like my dad because I pay bills instead of blowing it all on a birthday bash for my kid. Then I insulted the show Honey BooBoo which she apparently likes and she nearly severed my jugular with her verbal slashes. Jesus. I didn’t crumble, but she certainly got her digs in and left some trenches.

And while I don’t live or die by my vindictive nasty mother’s opinions, I do feel the weight of her NEVER having anything good to say about me. Nothing good comes out of her mouth in regard to me. Nothing. I can do no right by her. And while I know she loves me in her own limited dysfunctional way and her opinion is at best, suspect and tainted by her resentment toward my father and the fact I look like him, have many of his traits, and still have a relationship with him thus earning me top spot on her shit list….I still think I have earned a modicum of respect for at least sticking by my kid and doing my best for her in spite of our shit circumstances. i’ve raised a great kid thus far, pretty much on my own, and rather than kudos…I get comments like “Shame you couldn’t find a man who’d be a dad to his kid.” Like his failings are my fault.

This is why I speak to my mother maybe once a week. If I want to feel shitty about myself, I can do that on my own and be more objective about it, at least. The woman has an evil streak of mammoth proportions. I don’t want her venom infecting me or at some point turning my kid against me.

Ask me about my mommy issues…And I guess I have more than I thought. But it’s about the same with everyone else. call me on something I’ve done wrong, and it’s true, I’ll own it and even feel guilty. Criticize me for shit that’s not true or not my own doing..Yeah,it digs and burrows under my skin until it’s a psychological wound.

Combine that with Bex’s departure (even though she hasn’t been here mentally in a couple of weeks and while I get the necessity for the emotional withdrawal, I don’t fucking like it because it didn’t do anything but hurt me) and all the stress of my kid’s birthday and all the stuff needed for her to start school whle the financial stuff is still so tight….

I can feel myself falling into a depressive abyss.

This is situational so I may have a chance to fight it if I actually put forth an effort. Giving in is too easy. Avoidance is easy. It takes courage and strength to fight it.

I am NOT a wuss.

Now if I am still circling the drain in a month or two…Then I’ll know that’s the seasonal kicking in and I’m probably not going to win that battle. I’ll give it a hell of a fight but it is what it is.

This environmental thing…This I can stand up to. This I have a chance against. As long as I don’t wave any white flags simply because life isn’t going the way I want it to be going right now. 

I guess that’s what I learned this summer. There is clinical depression and then there is situational depression. One you can fight with all your might and still lose. The other, you lose when you give up fighting. You become your own worst enemy by not even trying.

Life is sucky at this moment.

But the summer was amazing because I found my best friend in the entire world, the one person who seems to get me in every way, the one person i can live with and who can live with me. It took 12 years to get there but get there we did.

And it’s that I am going to holding onto and use as a shield and a weapon against the dark clouds circling overhead right now. This isn’t the end. This is just a new chapter.

now…I’m going to drink more wine and later I will probably have a good cry and tomorrow I will probably cry even more and possibly even chase after a Greyhound bus in denial laden screams…

It’s just the next chapter. Painful, heartbreaking,  ass trash chapter.

 

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Morgue on Mute

Posted in mood disorders with tags , , on January 8, 2013 by morgueticiaatoms

Over the weekend I had the stomach flu.

Now my cold has returned with a vengeance, leaving me hoarse and half mute at the most inopportune times.

Still, I told R I would be at the shop, since he is sick too. Suck it up time. I’m just gonna be a little late.

For I have been writing, and with a kid, I don’t get blocks of time every night to just immerse myself in my fictional world. So I am learning to adapt and steal a half hour here, an hour there. I started writing this morning, got four pages done. It’s nothing like my old marathons where I could easily write 20 pages in four hours. It’s something, though.

My mood is better today. At least I no longer have faucet nose like I did yesterday. I was chained to a box of tissues.

Yesterday, for a change, my mind and body were on the same page. We did not want to be at the shop. We went anyway (listen to me, I sound schizophrenic, but in a way, mind and body are two separate entities who just happen to reside together.) but  every hour seemed grueling, especially having a cold and him keeping it so cold in there.

Today I don’t want to go, but that is less physical or mental.

When my writing is “on”, I need to run with it because it can go away at any time. An eight hour break to go help him might bring me home to stare at a blinking cursor for the next six months. Creativity is such a fluid thing, and more so when you’re moods and anxiety suck the life out  of you.

Which the anxiety at times is unbearable. When they do my autopsy, I bet they are going to find my chest cavity wall dented and banged up from all the pounding heart shit that comes with panic.

Do I get two points for morbidity in the A.M?

Blah. Time to get dressed.

Time to go make the donuts.

I feel a mood swing coming on.

The pessimist has something positive to say

Posted in mood disorders with tags , , on December 30, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

Every once in a blue moon…All the stars align…

And I have a decent day.

After this morning’s email induced panicapaloozqa…I shut it all out. I am rarely ever able to do that but I let my housework pile up so I had lots to keep me busy.

Now 98% of my housework is caught up. I even faced down the seven baskets of laundry that had to be folded.

No serious mood swings, fairly low on panic, although the Cymbalta induced jumpiness is annoying…I have enjoyed my day with my kid, finding myself patient and laughing with her, playing with her.

We did the grocery shopping thing.

Now tomorrow…I get to vegetate. I earned it.

Because the chances of me having two good days in a row is about nil. That’s bipolar for you.

It’s a moody go round that keeps spinning even if it occasionally stops for a maintenance job.

All in all…I finally had a day that hasn’t felt like I am being tortured or punished.

Yay. 🙂

Perpetual state of cognitive dissonance

Posted in mood disorders, panic disorder with tags , , , , on December 28, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

“Cognitive dissonance”. It was on a game show the other day, and I got the answer to the question right, then realized…I absolutely had zero clue what the term means.

So I went searching on the intertubes.

Which didn’t help much, technical mumbo jumbo sticks to my teflon brain like numbers.

I finally found a site that dumbed it down for me. Basically, it’s holding one set of beliefs but finding yourself in a situation that is at odds with your beliefs.

Example: Woman values financial security.

Woman is in a relationship with someone who is financially irresponsible. This creates a state of cognitive dissonance.

That’s when it hit me like a race car careen off the track into a brick wall.

MY  ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

My mood disorder.

Today for example.

I don’t really feel like going out into the petri dish. I just feel off. My nerves are shaky, my mood is gray, and there’s really nothing he needs me to do at the shop other than keep him company, and I am honestly getting bored with that. I know when I in this mind frame, it usually benefits me to take a step back and give myself some space. Or I am likely to tell him exactly how I feel about him expecting me to be there five days a week for no money when he has nothing for me to really work on.

But I also am compelled by the expectations of others to do what they expect or need me to do. He paid for and put a new radiator in my car. I owe him. Therefore I am beholden to do as he expects while feeling like I am betraying myself.

Cognitive dissonance.

Oh, I am sure someone will find some psychological mumbo jumbo to dispute my likening here, but for all intents and purposes in my mind,  I AM WALKING, TALKING COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

And it certainly explains my mass confusion and sensation that I am constantly being choked. It’s hard to breathe when you’re not only at war with your own brain chemicals, but with your own beliefs and emotions as well.

It is suggested that to solve cognitive dissonance you must either eliminate the problem entirely or learn to alter your own beliefs so that their is no dissonance.

I’m not a black or white kind of person.

I am definitely all about the shades of gray.

So being told I can’t have a happy medium solution just makes me more frustrated.

Here’s a thought: What if R were to suck it up and only have me come into the shop when he actually has work to do?

He’s the one who has the fucking problem here.It’s not my fault he doesn’t want to be alone or answer his own phone.  I have talked and talked to him about it, all to no avail.

So because he won’t change, I must.

That seems fair.

NOT.

I am one of the most assertive stubborn people on the planet, but because of all my past flakiness and failures I find myself wavering and leaning more toward doing what is expected of me these days. I want to say NO.

But I feel indebted and no comes out as “oh, I will be there if I must.”

Then I spend the day unhappy and feeling like I stabbed myself in the back because I’m not being true to who I am,  I am just keeping the peace.

fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I hate when people help me. Feeling indebted to someone is about the same as having a pillow mashed over my face. My free will is taken away because I owe them.I am not without gratitude, and I don’t mind working to pay him back, but unless there is actual work for me to do,it’s stupid for me to be away from my kid and feel so out of sorts with myself. But I OWE HIM.

Which is living hell for someone as independent as me. I may not be well off, but I usually manage to eek by. Being placed in a situation where more money is needed than I have and someone has to swoop down and rescue me…

Sucks.

Now I am trapped.

Cognitive

dissonance.

 

 

 

Liar, Liar, pants on fire

Posted in mood disorders, panic disorder with tags , , , on December 27, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

I admit this with no pride whatsoever…

But sometimes, I lie.

I LIE.

I told R today I had to leave at 3 o’clock for an appointment because the anxiety was getting so bad, I was freaking out inwardly. And since he’s not very interested or supportive in that respect, being honest does not work. He essentially tells me to suck it up and put on a happy face. That is pretty much the world consensus attitude.

Would that the world could handle the truth and respect mental issues for the crippling hindrance they can be, white lies and fibs would not be necessary.

Since the truth serves no purpose…

I can live with an occasional lie to save my sanity.

Oh, yes, I know…A panic attack isn’t going to kill me.

All the same, I’d rather not test that theory every second of my life. For every nine times I step up to the plate and face the terror and panic, there’s that one time where retreat to safety is necessity.

Today was that day for me.

And while lying causes a severe cognitive dissonance in me as I so value truth…Sometimes, you just gotta say what the fuck. People simply don’t view mental stuff as pertinent or important. The lie is more for them than me. If they’d accept the truth, I would happily dish it out. My top self edict for the past twenty some odd years has been not to allow the world to shame me into hiding my conditions like they are dirty and I’ve done something wrong. Honesty, for me, is like confession. You get in front of something, it lessens the chance if it biting you on the ass.

Not being able to just say, “I am having a panic attack and freaking out and I might die if I don’t go home to my safe little hovel within the next ten minutes” sucks.

I have tried the truth. The truth was part of what made me R’s ex girlfriend. Some people-most people- simply cannot deal with mental issues. Too much work or too complex to grasp or too depressing, who knows or cares. It’s their fucking problem, it just blows that I am usually the one to get hurt in the process of them figuring out they can’t handle someone who has my issues.

Okay, that was the panic and idiocy portion.

Onto the mood stuff.

Yesterday totally sucked from every angle. I was sick with a cold, hacking up a lung, feeling feverish yet freezing, and it put me into this gray depressive state where every second of the day felt grueling and neverending.

After being up until 2 am with coughing fits thanks to Mucinex doing its thing…

Today, I was manic. Jokey, happy, bouncing off the walls energetic manic.

Morose to manic. In a 24 hour span.

Now I am calm, mellow, the panic has died down (though I am still jumpy as fuck, courtesy of the Cymbalta, about the only bad side effect I have noticed.)

Up, down, all around.

I try not to take others on the roller coaster ride. Sometimes, this means keeping people at a distance while I work through the severe and rapid mood shifts.

Of course, the downfall of this is being told by my family how unfriendly and anti social I am, and I never just visit, blah blah blah, I think I am too good to spend time with them, yada yada.

Since my mom and sister opted to accept depressive misery as “just life” rather than take meds, they have sort of looked down upon me, as if I am weak or something. So trying to explain to them my mental states as they vary from hour to hour is pointless.I am so sick of “suck it up” and “snap out of it”.

There’s even this little annoying voice in my head (no I don’t hear voices, this is…well, my voice, saying what others have said, trying to self bully) saying, “Oh, grow the fuck up and quit being a child, life is tough, grow a pair and deal, you can’t run home every time a panic attack kicks your ass, you pathetic little bitch!”

It’s not helpful, but it plagues me.

Then I have my family adding to it.

And my so called best friend who simply prefers to never ever talk about my disorders unless to point out why we broke up…

My support system is nil.

Yet I feel bad for a white lie.

Doesn’t that say something about my character?

I don’t want to lie.

But the truth does not solve anything. It makes people bully me, as if doing so will somehow cure me and make me act in a socially normal acceptable way.

That just makes things worse.

So I tell a fib here and there.

And feel shitty.

Catch 22.

It pisses me off because if I needed to run home because I forgot to inject insulin or something, that’d be acceptable.

But if I forgot to take my psych meds…Well, that can wait until later.

Then you spaz out and get a lecture on why didn’t you take your meds.

Catch 22.

All around me, catch 22.

My existence, is catch 22.

If this comes across as whining, it is not intentional.

I am just so fucking frustrated.

I’m bent.

I’m not broken.

Why can’t anyone see that and have an ounce of empathy?

And yes, I would like some cheese with my whine.

Mild cheddar, preferably.

 

Mood swings- The weirdness of the human mind

Posted in mood disorders with tags , , on December 26, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

All those hours spent obsessing over my mother’s bullshit…

Then at some point today, my brain just went elsewhere and it was gone and most of my anger and irritation went with it.

Why?

MOOD SHIFT.

I am baffled by the human mind, especially my own.

How can I go from mood to mood with barely a transition at times, and sometimes rather than rapid fire shift, it’s just a gradual thing.

I even called mom to wish her a merry christmas. Ten hours ago, I vowed to absolutely have no contact with her today even if it meant war with her later about how rude I am. I was so hurt and pissed off and in that mental state, I was perfectly serious about not contacting her.

And then hours later…mood shift…different mind set.

I suppose this would make me mercurial, although I really don’t believe it is simple personality dysfunction.

My moods are like vice grips, they don’t let up until the shift is ready to happen and no amount of self pep talks or bullying or rationalization sways my mind during the various moods.

I had to do that personality assessment for the job ap the other day…and three times in different wording it asked the same question. Basically, do you stay in the same mood all day or do you have various mood swings.

How does one with my condition  answer that? They don’t want the truth, it’s an instant disqualifier, even if they say otherwise. They want mindless vapidly happy worker drones, not someone who needs a ten minute break during lunch rush to go cry because their mood took a nosedive.

How can I not be moody?

I have a MOOD DISORDER.

I do my best not to let it show and not to act on it, but occasionally the facade slips. I take all the meds, I do what I am supposed to…But this is my reality, day in, day out.

And it becomes clearer every day my reality simply does not fit this cookie cutter world, where if you don’t fit the mold, you don;t stand a chance.

Today proved the point.

I went from happy to pissed off to hurt to depressed to mellow to neutral to snappish and pissed off again, and now I am back in mellow land. All in a 13 hour span. ON FULL MEDICATION.

If they can build accessibilty ramps for people in wheelchairs, then why can’t they make allowances for people who just might need to go cry or smash things mid shift?

yeah, I am random and without segue. My brain is fucked.

It asked about memory. My brain is so fried on med side effects…I don’t remember things ten seconds after being told if it relates to numbers or such. My brain is teflon, things dont; stick to the surface.

It seems that every part of me is simply unemployable.

15 months looking for a job.

med after med trying to stabilize.

And what it boils down to…

Is that with mood swings, I will never be the corporate drone required for employment.

Constantly daily reminder that no matter how hard I try, I am screwed from the get go. I won’t give up, I can’t but unless some understanding brave manager is willing to roll the dice on me (and I can’t say I’m  a safe bet at all times)….

Okay, rant done, but that’s been weighing on my mind for some time now.

Holiday survived.

Mood roller coaster ride 12 billion survived.

Time for blissful nothingness called sleep.

Oh, wait, I have sleep disturbance so even that is not a sanctuary.

And my doctor says I am on too  many pills and takes my sleeping pill away then tells me if I am not sleeping, I need to take a pill, go buy melatonin.

WHAT THE FUCK.

brain

hurts.

must

tune out

reality

for awhile.

Merry Cryptmas to all, and to all a good fright. Er, night.

 

 

Pissy

Posted in mood disorders on November 26, 2012 by morgueticiaatoms

In a word, my mood today, is pissy.

The phone rang four times last night, it was R. I didn’t answer it. Didn’t want to. Not in the mood to hear him prattle on about business and his personal issues and how everything is hunky dory because he’s too drunk to care seven nights a week.

It is an absolute kick in the face to work so hard to fix the things everyone tells you are wrong with you, while everyone around just remains the same self absorbed mental trainwreck. It’s like YOU are the only person with a problem, they are fine as is, and if you can’t accept them that way, well, you’re not a good person.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I have a mood disorder I did not ask for, do not have control over, and medicate myself to the gills to correct…And that’s a character flaw. I got to counseling pretty much changing everything about myself others find so distasteful and problematic..but I “owe” this to society?

Yet being a narcissistic alcoholic asshole, by choice, is not a problem.

Being a self absorbed nasty tempered self contradicting witch is not a problem.

I AM THE ONLY FUCKING PROBLEM ON THE PLANET, EVERYONE AROUND ME IS FUCKING PERFECT.

I don’t fucking think so.

Now, given I am not in a great place right now and few months down the road I may reread this and think, wow you are a crazy bitch, Niki.

I doubt it. This has been piling up over years and years, sparked into flame by the Donor, who is an even bigger bucket of neuroses, yet he was happy being that way. I was the one with issues that needed to be changed, even though a lot of my issues were sparked by his issues.

Pissy.

Why can’t I just be the moody grumpy up and down bitch that I am? Why am I the only one who has to make changes?

Oh, right, because I want to be a better version of myself.

And why am I the only one who even has the desire to become a better person?

So what is the point of this post?

I have no idea.

It seems to help to vent. I haven’t seen my counselor in two months because she is on surgical leave til Dec 17th, so I have no one to talk to about all this stuff. It’s boiling up and poisoning me.

I am on the fence on what to do today. Do I answer the phone if R calls?

How is that going to benefit me?

Because he will pull the same old shit, ask me what’s wrong, tell me to talk to him, then complain if what I say involves being angry at him.

(I am the phone with my dad and he is prattling on about Obamacare, one of my big hot topic buttons because I think its insane to fine people for being too poor to have health insurance…Have I mentioned how much I hate the world?)

(Oh, another daddy lecture on how people who don’t work and are on disability are worthless. I feel so loved.)

Where was I?

I have no idea.

I am such a trainwreck at the moment.

I’ll post again later when I remember what I wanted to post about other than feeling pissed off. Mind is kind of running off without me.