Archive for the grief Category

Emotional Evisceration

Posted in anxiety, cats and kittens, depression, grief, loss of a pet, S.A.D on November 13, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

One of our kittens died last night. We don’t know why, but the symptoms were the same as his sibling who passed a few weeks back and we are thinking maybe there’s just some sort of defect in the bloodline. I don’t know what else it could be, I keep the chemicals and cleaning stuff and all pills in cabinets far away from even climbing cats…I am shattered with the loss of Pasha. And the ground is frozen solid so I can’t even bury him properly which makes me cry even more. Total emotional evisceration while still alive. Rest in peace, Pashi-man. ❤

Because I am doing the PMS from hell trip, I’ve been crying off and on, sobbing and cursing whatever deity allows kittens and puppies and children to perish…I feel the grief, but the mood stabilizer can make it hard to cry even when it is appropriate so the free flowing tears have been a mixture of cathartic, irritating, and just…true heart break. Pets become our family members and losing two of the kittens in a month really has me wrecked.

Today has been a suckfest in every other way, too. I defrosted my car but the snow was iced on so I had to dig out my scraper only my doors were all frozen except the driver side, so I had to play Twister trying to reach the damn thing on the floor in the backseat. I was about to pull out when I noticed one of the outdoor cats got stuck between in the screen and inner door so I had to go back and let her out. I nearly busted my ass in a parking lot cos it was so icy. Got to the dr office early, hoping maybe I’d get in and out and make my other appointment on time. Instead he was running late and my anxiety was climbing so by the time I got to see him, I felt rushed and just wanted my meds increased and out of there though I think had I not been pressed for time I’d have liked to speak with him a little more. I was shocked that he took my concerns about the hormonal issues seriously, especially the way they worsen as I get older. And when I told him light therapy did not help with the S.A.D cos I was always cold, he told me I need to eat protein in the morning, eggs with salt or turkey or something to raise my blood pressure enough to maybe make me feel warmer. And he commented on being impressed by my use of the word ‘copacetic’. Rather than find it condescending, it was a pleasant compliment. Usually the people around me accuse me of using obscure or big words to make them feel stupid. Which is just wrong, I use lots of ‘weird’ words. I am loquacious that way.

Then I managed to get to my heating assistance appointment only 5 minutes late but they had it in the total lockdown building my nephew lives in and no signs telling us where to go so it took me 15 minutes driving and walking around that huge place in 13 degree weather until I found someone who told me she just squeezed through some holes in a fence to get to the right place. I figured I’d be in trouble for being 25 minutes late but they got me in right away. Then I hit a roadblock because I had no paperwork to denote what little child support we received in the last 30 days (Yep, the donor is definitely not working, at least not at the same place, 5 months must be a record even for him, ffs). I went to direct deposit so they never send me any paperwork and the amount was always varying based on his hours/income. So now before they can process my application, I have to get proof of that to them. I had a steel cage match with my printer trying to get paper unstuck and eek out enough ink just to print the page of deposits from my bank. (PRINTERS ARE FUCKING EVIL AND I AM FAIRLY SURE SQUID INK IS AS PRICEY AS PLATINUM AS MUCH AS A CARTRIDGE OF PRINTER INK GOES FOR!)…Now I gotta make another trip to town, but I am almost out of gas in the car. Which when the heating assistance people surveyed me on what programs could be used locally to assist people in the community more and I pointed out that basic hygiene products- toilet paper, shampoo, etc, are not covered by food benefits and if every cent you have goes to rent and power, you could always use help with that. And maybe a fuel card cos asking for transportation is a little silly when you own and a license and insure a car and the only reason you can’t take yourself wherever is cos you can’t afford gas…They also asked how better they could help disabled people and I told them to help me find something I can do from home. But at this time, the shrink won’t sign off saying I am sane enough (okay, they use the term stable enough, but ya know what they mean) to work. I’d like to think he is looking out for my best interests no matter how shitty our circumstance but honestly…I think they just worry that declaring a clearly unstable person ‘stable enough’ for work could lead to the client ya know, attacking people with sporks or ripping off clothing and product testing some chainsaws on customers…

Then I tried to get our meds refilled, the doc is adding an extra 10mg to Spook;s regime but of course…INSURANCE DELAYED THIS PRESCRIPTION AT THIS TIME. Another trip to town.

I came home to the internet being down since 6 p.m. last night.

And I am so grief stricken and frustrated and just plain sad…I want to go to sleep. I can’t enjoy TV shows. I’ve been snuggling with the remaining kittens but I think they are getting a little annoyed with the needy weepy human. And my kid hasn’t shed a tear over the loss of Pasha. It’s like nothing even happened. She keeps asking why I am sad. And she reminds me of the emotionally crippled people around me like my family or R who really do just shake off grief like it is nothing and look down on people who take more time to grieve. God, I don’t want her to be like them. I told her it is okay to cry when sad things happen or when you just feel sad and need to cry. I don’t think it’s making an impact but perhaps I expect too much from a ten year old.

So…anyway. This year, I am not going to do a fundraiser. It just adds to me feeling so pathetic and greedy even when we are in fact in need. I am not gonna beg or grovel or guilt trip or even ask.

I am just gonna post the link to our paypal account and should the giving spirit/season move someone…we would be grateful.