Archive for the Friday Thoughts Category

I’d Like To Strangle My Panic Disorder To Death

Posted in anxiety disorders, Friday Thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 10, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Got a cryptic text at 10:38 last night from R. “Need Assistance. Are you game?” I was asleep so I didn’t see it til almost midnight and by then, well, I would not be so rude as to contact anyone by text or phone after 9 p.m. unless it was a crisis. Plus he has to be at his first job at 7:30 a.m. so he has to work sleep in somewhere and I won’t be the one to fuck that up by texting. Because I know the man is so attached to his phone, his wife complained to me he once answered it in the middle of having sex with her. Ugh, gross phones, ewww.

Now it’s 8:15 a.m. and I am trying to work up the courage to text back. Because hells yeah, I don’t have a dollar to my name, so I am willing to do some work for some cash. Here is the thing about panic disorder: it does not care about your needs or their urgency. It knows not logic or intelligence. It is simply part of my brain rioting in fight or flight chemicals with no real explanation. So working my way beyond it and replying to a simple text becomes this huge process and every part of me feels wary, leery, paranoid, scared.

Like I said, I KNOW this man. He can be a wondermous person. He is also a diagnosed narcissist so anything less than an equal relationship places him in control. Especially the money factor. He truly uses it to control others and I don’t want to go back to that. I finally got some self respect and confidence back after I cut that cancerous lump out of my life. (Yeah, I know, calling a friend a cancerous lump is an asshole thing to do.) But he ran me ragged and nothing I did was ever enough. Any issue I had was my own problem, I could not talk to him, he would not listen, and worse, he was dismissive and scoffed that any feelings I had contrary to his own agenda were silly.

But hey, maybe he really does need some help and isn’t just throwing the broke unemployable chick a milkbone for ten bucks to have me back under his thumb. Idk. I think not knowing worsens the depression. I can’t count the number of panic attacks his cryptic texts have given me over the years. I told him over and over to be specific or I’ll spend hours spinning out in panic and anxiety. Even 18 months distance between us and he didn’t learn a damn thing. Hell, the texting at 10:30 at night thing was one of the main reasons I felt I had to be rid of the toxins. I never had a real employer call me that late, so why should I have to endure it from a friend I help out so I can get a different car or earn ten bucks? I need boundaries and I need them to be respected. But having a narcissistic father who has stomped said boundaries my whole life, I know it simply is not in their character to ever ‘learn’.

I will return the text, after I spin out some more.

I did more job apps last night. Applebee’s flat out rejected an on line app because I don’t have a current number for an employer from 20 years ago. Wtf? I had to do the personality test for Sonic and pretty sure I failed it by being too honest. But they do that trickery thing by asking the same questions in different ways in an effort to catch you lying and that is such dirty pool. They didn’t even use that to elect a fucking president.

This morning the neighbor girl told me she has a second interview with one of those upscale 2 for $20 meal places. The very one that wouldn’t even take my on line app. She’s a lovely girl but she has never had a job outside corn husking or whatever they do during summers here and she is on the spectrum and can’t make eye contact so…her being your waitress seems a little odd to me. But maybe it is sour grapes born of frustration. I truly wish her the best, though. Maybe not getting certain jobs is the universe’s way of pointing out that I can’t be anything but who I am so any place that requires me to change who I am is not gonna work out well. No, I don’t expect anyone to appreciate my gallows morgue humor but I shouldn’t have to change that aspect even while off a clock.

Plus side, I woke several times during the night but did manage to go back to sleep (with more melatonin, of course,so now the increased dose means I am almost out of pills). It got down to 47 overnight so we woke to an ice box. My hands are still like ice cubes. This is how I know the Abilify is helping, it sure as hell isn’t because winter is over here.

Ok. Time to talk myself off the panic ledge and behave like a mature 46 year old woman. I still…got a bad feeling about going back down that rabbit hole. But hey with as much trouble as I am having getting a part time minimum wage job, maybe being on current record as helping a local business owner, that could be a stepping stone and recent reference to work in my favor over time.

It should not be this fucking difficult to find work to support your kid when you’re willing to do the work but no one is willing to hire you. I see how people become malcontent and vengeful. I am gonna try not to become one of those types. But I’m always gonna be a Ghoul Scout whose humor makes some uneasy. I was reading Fangoria at age 6, I  have Jason, Michael, Freddy, and the chainsaw dude on my car window, and I will never end my love affair with Halloween. Those are the good things about me.

I’d love to strangle my panic disorder to death, though, cos it isn’t a positive tic or trait.

Share, Give, Show Some Love…Friday Feelings

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression, Friday Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I set it up so Spook and I can receive direct donations from paypal without a fundraiser page. $5, a social media share, anything helps and we care grateful. In a way it’s even more helpful because of time constraints involved in fundraiser fund transfer. Any money we get can be moved to my debit card and then I can get a money order to pay for stuff. And yes, I am willing to send receipts because I’m just trying to be a good mom and keep my kid warm and sheltered.
Below you will find my unexpected expense of $102 to buy a sticker for my car.

$71 and change for water bill by the 20th to avoid the $18 late fee.

A second $40-plus dollar payment on car insurance to stay road legal.

I am also offering proof of how hard I have been looking for work, as well as the disconnect notice for our power and heat. If you wish not to donate directly, I am fine with anyone wanting to make a direct payment to the utility companies. I am being transparent as I can be without being accused of public nudity.


And please, please, please, read further before you go to the pat answer of ‘you must not budget well.’ Someone else’s actions put us in this position and I am trying to take responsibility and rise above it all and do my best.

Budgeting is not a foreign concept to me.
I get $832 a month.
Rent is $400.
Heat and power, during summer, around $200
Car insurance $50
water bill $70
$25 phone time and data (and I use it as rarely as possible to bank time and data up)
Then I have to get gas in the car since we have an 18 mile trip to town every time we go, buy food, pet supplies, household stuff like toilet paper and laundry soap and this month I had to put a $100 renewal sticker on my car.

When a non custodial parent abruptly decides to quit/get fired from jobs and stops paying for months and does it repeatedly…his actions alone put us $4000 behind. And that is something you can’t predict and the law does not force these parents to inform the custodial parent when they lose income and can’t pay so…often we are surprised when we check our bank balance and suddenly the money we counted on isn’t there.

And on a final note, while I am on my indignant soap box probably offending more people than I have already this week…

I have put in over 60 job applications this week.
I got one precorded virtual interview and another in person one on Monday but an old blip on my history could make that a non event.
I am trying and I can’t force anyone to hire me.

Parents really gotta stop programming kids to ‘just do your best’ because when you become an adult you quickly learn your best doesn’t pay the bills, earn you respect, or impress potential employers.

I have a car, we have food, we are clothed…I ask for nothing but what we do not have and live in such a small rural area we have no access to programs to help.

Please think about giving. Simply clicking the share button and passing it on can make a huge difference for me and Spook.

I’d also appreciate it, even if you don’t like me, if some kind soul would send my daughter an Easter basket with a couple of cheapo toys and some candy. It breaks my heart to not even have $4 to buy plastic eggs and candy so we can maintain our traditional morning egg hunt. Please help her.

And if you read all of this, spork of fortitude for you.

Any further questions my email is