Archive for the disability Category

The Unemployment Olympics Winner…or finding work when disabled

Posted in disability, employment, working with disabilities with tags , , , , , , , on May 9, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

So like you know how I am always saying we have 8o people applying for one minimum wage position?

Kennel Assistant
Country Club Kennel
Franklin, IL
Your application status
Submitted 13 days ago
You applied
13 days ago
Job listing is currently
Other Indeed applicants

Yes, 63 other applicants for the kennel job. Many of who likely have kennel experience, current positive references and recent employment references.

I think this is where I get so frustrated. It isn’t that I am not trying hard enough, it is that I am literally in rural rock and a hard place territory. So perhaps I’m not unemployable, I’m just not heavily desired as an employee.

But it proves what I say is true and that I am applying for the positions. I have a few apps still open but some are closed meaning I didn’t get it and that’s a bummer cos I don’t need the money to put gas in my shiny car and run around all summer socializing or buy designer clothes or fancy computer or gamer equipment.

I have a child to raise, alone, no child support, no coparenting, just me.

That is why every job failure stings so much. Were I doing it for shallow or selfish purposes, maybe I’d deserve rejection. But my motives are pure, my determination strong as iron. The one handicap I have going against me is neither physical nor mental. It is an economically oppressed rural geography.

I am gonna keep trying. I have the best reason to stand tall and hang tough and I call her Spook. I am all she has and I am gonna prove to her, and to myself, and all my detractors, that I can do better for her, for myself.

spook and me tree





Unemployable, Unapproachable, Unlikeable, Unheard

Posted in depression, disability with tags , , , , , , on April 8, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

So, my brief vlog requesting help was an epic fail. Feel free to rehash said failure and laugh at the disintegrating husk of a human that is me. Because deafening silence may as well be laughter. I mean, not one person could comment, “Hang in there” or offer to help me write a resume? No one could say, hey, I’ll help you set up a fundraising campaign and teach you to use social media to promote it…NO ONE? Yet, I spout off some barely coherent verbal vomit for 20 minutes and it gets 30 likes? Not that my verbal vomit isn’t awesome and also, suckily true, but…geesh. This mental health community here on wordpress has gone to hell in a handbasket compared to what it was just 5 years ago. When people did more than click like, when they reached out, commented, tried to interact without being bullies, weren’t afraid to say, hey, you’re manic, slow down, or hey, you’re getting close to hospitalization, take a breath and talk to me…

I am truly disappointed in wordpress. I got more support from msn chat even after it became a paid service. But I guess I wasn’t always spewing on about money problems as it was just me and a cat and I could make ends meet because I hadn’t been forced to move to a place I can’t afford in fucking Armpit where my child and I are both on the edge of a nervous breakdown. A fundraiser to get us the hell out of this place and back to where we call ‘home’ and would be more at peace is an AWESOME IDEA. Yet that gets no encouragement. Not a comment, barely a like or two. Help me find a job since my brain is rattled, I can’t even comprise an updated resume, thoughts anyone? No. Just crickets.

But alas, I cannot blame wordpress because I’ve seen other blogs. The ones I am too much of a snob to truly interact with because they have thousands of followers and hundreds of likes and dozens of comments and frankly, I just don’t dig the popular people. I like the underdog. Guess I was counting on finding others who do,too.

Bottom line, seems, I am unemployable, unapproachable, unlikeable, and thus, unheard.

It stings but it’s not exactly new for me. And I know I have at least one friend out there who’d at least listen to me bitch and bawl but I’ve been such an unreliable friend to her as of late due to my mental problems, I probably shouldn’t hold my breath.

So, sage wordpressers…If you don’t like me enough to interact with a verbal high five or fist bump but do hit the like button…What can I do to make myself more approachable?

I was told I can be intimidating. I just don’t see it. I swear a lot, big fucking deal. Try talking like a priest when you were raised by a truckdriver.I am sarcastic. Well, it was the only thing that saved me from self destruction in high school so I’ll be keeping that one weapon in my arsenal. Stop bitching and moaning? That’s my therapy. Stop having money problems and just get a job? I HAVE A DISABILITY, which no one seems to remember or lend any credence.

This morning my kid and I were both melting down. Her with anger, me with tears. I am overwhelmed and about to just drive myself to the fucking psych ward. But then what? What good would that do except to jack up a hospital bill, a ‘crazy person’ checkmark when I renew my driver’s license next and they ask the humiliating question about being in a psych hospital in the last four years…I’d come home to the same housework, same fiancial stress, no job, and more disdain from my family than I already have.

Ya know what would help me? Getting some help to get caught up on the bills. Getting $400 to buy a device that is supposedly 80% more effective on depression than pills alone but insurance won’t even pay for me to try it so I will never know…Hearing positive stuff instead of my family’s constant criticism. Getting some money toward the end goal of getting us moved back home, to town, where we were both in better mental states. Getting my mind straightened out so when I am filling out job applications and it asks, “Do you think you can maintain objective emotions when dealing with a hostile client?” I’d like to be able to say it because I mean it and not be a hypocrite and a liar just because society doesn’t hold mental disability in as high regard as physical disability.

I WANT to work. I just want to do it in a way that I can maintain. I don’t want it to be temporary or seasonal or ‘a good try’. I want it to last so I never ever have to end up in this situation again, in this mental space, filled with so much self loathing and helplessness.

I want to be a better version of myself. I will still be sarcastic and foul mouthed, but perhaps I could get to the point of not thinking the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.

I want to get caught up on all these monthly expenses. The donor and my inability to find work have placed us in an untenable position. And we have nowhere to go if I can’t find some way to get caught up. I’ve offered up account numbers for the bills to be paid directly as opposed to cash exchaning hands. And yeah, I know most people are in the same boat, struggling to make ends meet and how dare I even ask…

I dare to ask because I also know there are some people out there with a little more than others, who have kind hearts and generous spirits and believe in paying it forward. Because I believe in all of that and if I can ever get out of the hole circumstances beyond my control dug me into…

I want to add meaning to my life by helping others. I’d like to do volunteer work with animals and children. I’d like to have an on line ebay store for all my yard sale finds. I’d like my daughter to be proud of me.

If you can find anything in there that isn’t me wanting to do better, please do tell.

And because I am realistic and know I lack the charisma it takes for people to truly invest and help raise what we need…I guess I had just hoped I’d get a ‘don’t give up’ comment. It may not help with the bills but it reminds me people aren’t total assholes and do care.

Many, I know, click the like button and in spirit are saying they have no helpful words but ‘get it’.

Occasionally, though…my inner needy bitch needs a few actual words beyond the like button. Even if it’s some troll hating on me, it means I sparked interest. As a writer…that counts for everything.