Archive for the depression Category

Gloom Mongered

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , on August 16, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

Slept 4 and a half hours then woke, terrified I’d miss the alarm for my kid’s first day back to school cos, hello, smart phone, dumb Morgue…That anxiety ate away at me so I took .25mg of Xanax and right as the hamster wheel started to slow down…Spook-in-the-box pops up and can’t get back to sleep because she was nervous and excited about school. Which meant neither of us got back to sleep, she had her new clothes on and hair done by 5 a.m. I’d hoped even for a power nap but it didn’t happen then. I was relieved to drop her at school because her enthusiasm was killing me. Hypo and depression both HATE enthusiasm so it’s hard to know which cycle I am actually in.

The texting chihua got called back to his ‘real ‘ job, after working three days last week, then off two days, now he’s back and he was on me about the shop. And all I wanted was my first true kid free day in months and I texted back a little snarky, plus the bug treatment has me sweeping up corpses constantly before the cats can eat them and be poisoned…But because I do need his expertise with automobiles and of course, my heat will need fixed again come winter…I sucked it up and agreed to do four hours even though it pissed me off but the guilt was worse. I mean, he’s working two jobs and I’m gonna whine about a few hours of essentially sitting on my ass and occasionally helping hoist a TV in or out?

Guilt fucking sucks ass.

This morning I went home, feeling absolutely shitty from lack of sleep and finally when I got in the power nap…it lasted 20 minutes before my gloom spewing father called. And so my self esteem went further down the septic tank, my guilt skyrocketed, and my anxiety turned into an acid burning stomach ache. YAY. I dared defend the ONE good part of the ACA regarding pre-existing conditions and he launched into how he’s retired and still works and they take all his money to cover people who don’t pay taxes and (gee, who could he be pointing that finger at?) and he was up on his soapbox thumping his chest like the gloom mongering ass trash he is.

It isn’t that he doesn’t have a point. The system is broken and things need fixed. No one should shell out 70% of monthly income to have health insurance (which they can’t even use because it covers such a small percentage)…But hey, no soapbox here, my stomach is still churning from my dad’s preaching and guilting.

To add to it, new family drama. After the ugly split with my nephew and his fiance, I guess my sister moved in her stoner friends and the girl’s mother and they are all boo hooing over losing Medicaid cos my nephew turned 19 and isn’t in school and of course, the girl living with them is such a stoner she packs around selling weight and I don’t want my kid anywhere near it but then that starts war with my mom because hey, I drink alcohol, so it’s totally the same. Not to mention the sickly stoner’s mom is living in the living room with a porta potty right there so where is my kid supposed to play? With the porta potty or upstairs with the people holding pot or down in the basement smoking it?

So sick of the fucking drama. If I could just move far far away it wouldn’t be an issue. If I could just shake this fucking bipolar monkey and get a damned job and if my brain would just fucking behave and if, if, if…

Nothing like a good chat with dear old dad to bring the bad thoughts to the surface and remind me, apparently, even my own father considers me useless and I should just kill myself rather than his tax dollars pay for my disability because obviously there is nothing wrong with me EXCEPT I HAVE THE BRAIN FUNCTION OF A CARROT HALF THE TIME AND EITHER BURST INTO TEARS OR SARCASTIC ANGER OVER THE STUPIDEST SHIT! All a choice, of course, we all choose to feel this way. Because it’s fun and makes you feel good about yourself.

Bloody hell.

So in addition to being at the shop with a burning stomach ache, I can feel myself going down the rabbit hole which was tugging but thanks to dad, it’s yanking me downward.

I really want the mouse pad that is a target that says “bang head here.”

Don’t Stop, Don’t Go

Posted in depression with tags , , , on August 15, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

It’s that inertia that accompanies the start of a depression after you experienced a stable period, brief as it may have been. In a matter of 3 weeks I cycled from feeling better and venturing out of my bedroom crypt, the only place I truly feel safe, but now…

I am right back in the crypt and I am fighting it. I mean, I got dressed, we ran out into the dish, and I’m not even freaking out about the school family night tonight. Twenty minutes tops, meet the teacher, dump the supplies in her new desk, and home again. Then back to a sane routine with school starting. I got this.

Except…I wonder if I really do.

That tug of darkness is pulling and I am lashing out and screaming at it but I am trapped in don’t stop, don’t go land. Inertia. Stalemate. I see all I need to do. I WANT to get it done. But my mental state is simply crippling me and I have no idea why. Except maybe how drastically the weather has changed, we went from barely needing a top sheet at night to getting out our thick winter bedspreads because it gets so chilly at night. For the midwest, this is an anomaly, one that makes me ponder the credibility of all this global warming and climate change. How can I battle the seasonal depression if the seasons keep shifting so often and abruptly? And how can I make any real progress when I am feeling my psych care is so compromised by an inexperienced nurse practitioner whose sole purpose seems to be filling out computer checklists and calling in scripts?

Which, mind you, she couldn’t even get right because my pharmacist even said she was going to call the doctor nurse about my Trintellix, which doc nurse prescribed in ten mg to be split in half for 5 mg a day. Guess what? Even with a splitter they disintegrate so the dosage is always iffy. Now if it’s available in 5mg and even the pharmacy knows this…why didn’t my psych “professional” do it that way in the first place?

Yeah, yeah, I am bitchy, probably coming down off a hypo episode. Doesn’t make my feelings less authentic.

For now…I can only keep doing battle with the inertia and lurking depression and hope for the best. Who knows, maybe less kid drama will lower my stress and my moods will be less affected. I’m trying that optimism thing but it feels so phony coming from a cynic like me. If there is one thing I hate more than shitty people, it is fake people, I don’t wanna betray myself even if optism makes others around me feel better.

So…maybe lower stress helps, maybe I continue to disintegrate. Either way I am not going gently into that good night. Not that depression gives a rat’s rectum but still…If depression is dragging me down, I’m digging in my nails and I’m gonna leave some nasty claw marks.

Quieter Brain

Posted in depression with tags , , on May 17, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

My brain is quieter today. Unfortunately, my body is tapped out. The price of a couple of high anxiety days. Every muscle is sore and aching. Think that’s the one thing everyone leaves out about depression and anxiety. It isn’t just a misbehaving brain. It impacts you physically, too, and it is exhausting on every level.

The school carnival was fine. I hated the crowds and overheated, as usual, but Spook had fun and nothing horrid happened. I was just relieved to get it over with. Because I could barely function the whole day with the rampaging paranoia and anxiety. I literally watched the clock, unable to focus on anything, just waiting for it to be over.

Today I woke before six. I kept hitting snooze. Normally I’m programmed to get moving after Slipknot and 30STM belt out about six times. And it’s hard for me to sleep when it’s light out. I didn’t think I’d nod off. Especially with two alarms running on snooze and going off every 15 minutes. Then I did not off and woke at 7:25 to Eminem. OOPS. Normally that’s when we leave and Spook wasn’t even up yet. Guess the exhaustion just got the better of me.

And of course, scumbag brain screams WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BE EXHAUSTED ABOUT, YOU DON’T WORK, YOU’RE A LOUSY HOUSEKEEPER SO YOU’RE NOT CLEANING, YOU HAVE NO SOCIAL LIFE, YOU’RE JUST LAZY!

Ahh, the joy of depression and its many lies and distortions. Until you’ve lived it, you just don’t know. And when you live it in the long term…It makes you view things differently. Not being able to get out of bed ceases to be “something lazy people do”. Because it’s different when it happens to YOU.

My writing was blocked yesterday due to the panxiety and now I feel totally blocked. Which sucks because Monday I had all sorts of ideas floating…It’s mind boggling how mental conditions impact every aspect of your life. People think it’s just stuff we don’t want to do or things that are difficult. No. It’s EVERYTHING ASPECT.And when it robs you of not just basic functionality, but also the things that make you keep breathing in spite of your conditions…
Suckage.

But at least for today my brain is quieter and I don’t think everyone is out to get me. It’s a tiny thing, but I’ll take the win.

Brave Face Faked

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , on May 12, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

My kid’s school is having some Leadership thing today. I wasn’t going to go because crowds, eww, and plus at first she said she didn’t want me there. Then she said she did. I feel better today than I did yesterday (sunshine really makes a difference and yet it hurts my eyeballs, go figure.)

I bothered to put on half decent clothes, do my hair, toss on some make up and earrings. Still, I feel like a giant fat embarrassing-to-my-kid blob. And that shouldn’t matter, it’s probably my weight issue and the pms making me bloated but…Fact is, my kid is pretty shallow and concerned with what others think and being popular so I do worry that my presence will just make her upset. Yet my absence could, as well.

Making this more difficult is next week’s school carnival, which every year results in me overheating in their crowded halls and anxiety attacks that render me with flu like symptoms. Two outings in under 7 days? This is ballsy. This is brave. This is me faking it.

I need to leave in 15 minutes and I have no idea what to expect when I get there except the packed gym and hallways. It’s unnerving. But at least on this day, I have the strength to sack up and fake it for her sake.

Maybe later I meltdown, maybe not. But I got 12 pages written this morning, still pushing those boulders and double spacing to increase page count but…I am NOT hitting the wall after only 6 weeks in the writing zone. NOPE. Rather churn out drivel than let myself be cursor blocked by the bullshit my own body, mind, and the world throw at me.

I will be earning my spork of fortitude today. I just hope my kid appreciates it rather than having one of her epic mood swings and accusing me of coming when she said not to. She rewrites history that way, it’s pretty brutal for me.

I’m gonna fake it til I make it and if her mood has changed or I do embarrass her for whatever reason cos her friends don’t like my eye color or the sound of my breathing or whatever idiotic thing kids pick on…Sucks to be her. I’m the present parent. It’s all I’ve got going for me right now.

Depression Is Influenza Of The Mind

Posted in depression with tags , , , , on May 11, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

I am down the rabbit hole today, courtesy of PMS, cramps, depression, sinus drainage, and oh, the weather went from dry and sunny to wet and gray but at least I am not freezing. Just seemed like I got my feet under me for a couple of days and now back to square one. I knew it was shifting yesterday even before the weather changed because I didn’t even attempt to proofread or write until after my kid was home from school. That lackluster will to do even what I enjoy usually means splat is coming. And going all shiny happy people to avoid ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ is useless. Depression and splat happen.

Just like the flu. And it’s temporary, it can be mild or extreme, last 24 hours or several days. It’s rarely fatal. But you know when you’re not up to snuff, when you can’t get far from a bathroom due to puking or whatnot. You ache, you sweat, you shiver. No one thinks twice about it, because the flu is NORMAL.

Yet depression is this big confusing theory the masses can’t grasp. It all boils down to them thinking you can snap out of it, shake it off, CHOOSE to feel differently, to feel happy or calm or whatever.

I wish. Just like when I have the flu and am married to the toilet because I can’t ‘positive think’ my body from expelling the usual influenza nastiness, I wish to fuck I could make myself not feel nausea or have stomach cramps or chills or whatever.

Fortunately, I am intelligent enough to know that the flu doesn’t work that way and neither does depression.

And making it all worse is PMS/menstrual dysphoria, I am in pain and moody and everything my kid does seems like an assault against all my senses. She’s become a pathological liar, no drama, she just lies and even when caught lying, she lies some more. She is in a hurry to get everywhere and twice in two days has nearly broken a bone because she won’t slow down. And because of my mental state, I can’t even feel empathy for her. I am wired that way, to not feel empathy for people who just keep doing the same stupid shit over and over and never learning from it. Throw in her total defiance and disrespect…I am struggling. I told her last night about my sister’s friend who has a 9 year old they just locked in a children’s psych facility because not the mom, stepdad, teachers, counselors, no one could control him from being defiant and physically abusive. So the powers that be come in and they take kids from loving parents if the kids don’t behave.

I may as well talk to a brick wall. She says the I love you mommy’s, she says she is sorry, she is going to change the behavior…but it never happens and it’s shades of the donor all over again.

The other day I caught her in a lie and suddenly she says it’s because she is being bullied and she thinks she needs a counselor now. Last week I suggested we go to counseling because obviously she is mistreating me for a reason and we need to talk about it and fix it. She hated the idea, said it was her friends making her do bad things.

I am at wits’ end. I am not, at this time, strong enough for this shit. And I am terrified to take her to a counselor, anyway because last time, the child psych said it was all my fault, my kid was picking up on my depression, my anxiety, I was causing her to feel unsafe and unloved…I am NOT going back to hear that bullshit again. My kid may pick up on my issues but blaming me for a disorder I can’t control when my child does fine at school and church therefore she CAN choose to control her behavior…That psychologist deserves a lawsuit for what is borderline malpractice. Instead of helping, at all, she just made me hate therapists even more and I already had that covered from the last one I had breaking privilege.

I feel trapped. And once the hormones die down, I will read this post and roll my eyes and think, “Wow, I am whiney little wimp, geesh.”

But the depression will still be there and maybe I’ll feel good a day or two or three. But much like flu recurring, I will go right back down this rabbit hole again. Instead of people bringing me soup and encouraging me to get some rest…I will just get the ‘snap out of it’ spiel all over again.

I’m not sure any med combo is going to make me feel better anymore. Fact is, people are just stupid for the most part. You can be rocket scientist smart, but if you choose to castigate mental disorders, you are stupid. And it’s Trumpnation now where stupidity and hate and being evil are embraced as long as you’re rich, not female, not gay…

Not big on religion but for once in my life I keep looking heavenward and hoping it’s all for real. I want God to smite Trump and all his followers and anyone else who is a cruel human being. I want bad people to be punished as the so called ‘Bible” threatens.

We all know it isn’t going to happen, though. Is the Bible fake? Or was the notion of punishing the corrupt tossed in as wishful thinking? I’m not a great person but after recent political events…I could pretty much eat the souls of newborns and still be less putrid than those in power in this country.

It’s enough to give you the fatal mental and physical flu just to escape it.

Tune in a few days from now when I am chirping about cute kittens and how pretty my rose bush looks out in the yard. Today…I dislike everything about everything.

I Think I Have Given Up

Posted in biolar disorder, depression with tags , , , on May 7, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

Much as I fancy myself a fighter and too much of a stubborn bitch to stop battling my brain demons…I honestly feel I have reached the point of giving up. The sun is out today, it’s not real cold, and still…I just don’t care to keep going. I want to die. Sounds ridiculous, right? Lovely depression has decided to ninja drop kick me because I thought it was all seasonal affect but…Not even an increase in Wellbutrin has helped. And now I don’t even get to see the doctor because I am not that urgently in need of help, I guess. Yeah, yeah, they’re booked solid blah blah it’s not all about me, the nurse practitioner can get your meds yada yada.

I don’t even want to bother going. This has been a pointless exercise since I was 20 years old. I am never going to be cured or fixed or ‘right in the head’. Please don’t mistake this with self pity. I don’t even like myself enough to pity myself. This could change at some point during the day or night or in a couple of days…But until it does this is where I am trapped.

Since R got his dream job and the shop is going to be his hobby, at least that major stress inducer will be no more. I have to give up cigarettes, boo fucking hoo. That’s what I put myself through it for, gas money, smokes, to buy things for my kid. It’s worth making sacrifices to be rid of the albatross. During my good mental states it wasn’t so grueling. During these down periods when I am barely staying afloat and placed in the position of helping a friend or failing them thus causing confrontation and tension which also makes me freak out…This has been hellish. I am ready to kiss it goodnight.

</strong Making matters worse is my phlegm in the chest problem has returned, allergies I think, and I can barely breathe but I am choking on the damn sinus drainage.

New kids moved in down the road so my daughter’s friend circle has tripled. They all play together so now I am dealing with 8 kids on any given day but thank pegacorn they prefer playing away from my place in a large patch of grass near the other kids’ homes. Of course, my kid is a drama llama and playing with more than one person means constant bickering and boo hoo my feelings got hurt. She thinks people not doing what she tells them to do or not agreeing with her equals bullying. I got my hands full with this little sociopath. And YES I can call her that because without years of social programming all kids are sociopaths and sadly, a lot of them just become adult sociopaths. One more thing I have to stress about failing at. But hey, she’s uber friendly to every single person, so maybe I can balance out the sociopathy fear with my terror that she’s gonna take candy from a stranger and get into their creepy van because she likes people.

I have some sick kittens, think they aren’t gonna make it. Cleo’s first litter and she is so petite I am wondering if having five maybe the bigger ones are taking all the milk so I have a couple of puny ones who aren’t thriving. Sick cats just take me back to when I lost Abby and my god, two years later I still tear up thinking about it. Funny how the brain doesn’t mind forgetting good stuff yet can never seem to let go of the bad.

The money issue is in play again as I realize all my fans are pretty much broken. In a tin box during heat, you gotta have fans because a window AC isn’t going to cover each room. Last box fan I used was acting funky but I said oh well, I’m too warm and next I know there’s a bad smell and the cord is brown. Maybe my dad is right, I am gonna die in this place. IDK.

It’s all just shit. Even my writing has gone to shit. I am still pushing boulders up hills but it’s garbage and I know it’s garbage. Prior to R pulling me into the dish for those friend favors, I was doing okay on the writing. Now…I’ve lost my flow and soon, I may not even have the garbage. Just in time for the summer with my kid home and all her friends asking for food when I can’t afford to feed my own. Stellar. Something to look forward to with out of control depression, right?

Whatever. I just needed to vent. I don’t see any good in my future, ever. I am living for my kid and cats, beyond that I am just…done. I have zero hope. I am filled with self loathing. Every tiny thing feels too difficult. Hell, I just went four days without a damned shower, how nasty is that. I took one this morning to shake off my grogginess but really, four fucking days. And my shrink said I was doing so much better but that was on THAT DAY AT THAT MINUTE. Now I am circling the drain and I get to see a fucking nurse. Thanks a lot, life. Fuck you.

This charming post was brought to you by the wonderfully dickbag symptoms of depression and is not really affiliated with the true beliefs of Morgueticia but unfortunately she is depression’s bitch right now and is going to write a lot of gruel, feel free to disregard.

Zombie Shamble Got Nothing on Depressive Shuffle

Posted in anxiety disorders, bipolar depression, depression, mental health, seasonal affect disorder on January 27, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

I am the walking dead, minus violence and a desire to eat flesh and such. Five mornings straight this week I have gotten my kid to school only to come home and…go back to sleep… THEN feel shitty for napping because, dammit, I am A BADASS, this is beneath me. I’ve not done this week long nap shit even when the donor abandoned us nor when I had the crippling depression for seven months or even two weeks of flubola…

I can’t begin to explain it. Wellbutrin mixed with all the other meds? Cos that is the only difference in me staying  nap free for years and now suddenly napping 5 days straight. Is it the 99% cold and midwest gloom (which we are facing another week of). Is it the fact I am up and down all night for whatever reasons even when my kid sleeps through (2 out of 7 days) this week?

To add to feeling super shitty about it, I kinda flaked out on planned lunch with R yesterday til last minute cos…my body was in deep nap mode. Today I was to be at the shop at 10 so I could earn smoke money but…I didn’t get there til 12:15. He was unamused.  As was I because I did set an alarm and somehow, my phone got muted so no sound…

To my credit, even tho I was mega late to get there…I had every single thing on the list done in an under an hour.  Because while I like smoke breaks and a  bit of youtube ‘i like this’ sharing…my end game is always to get there, get shit done, get back to my safe bubble. I am not half assing anything, I am just…more focused on getting it done than say, R, is.

Tis been one of those weeks where his missus is out of town working so he invited himself over 3 nights straight. I wasn’t enthused (depression laughs at enthusiasm) but we did watch Flash/Legends/Arrow together. Then he introduced me to a movie called Silent Hill which was pretty cool. SO while every fiber of my being wants to bitch slap the world at large and retreat within myself…I am making the effort to socialize even if…hell, for all I know, that may be what makes me so exhausted thus causing the daily naps.

I got to looking at R’s past emails for the month for part orders,etc, and it hit me…JANUARY NEVER ENDS. Seriously, the print out I did for him for a service repair only came in on the 12th…and it feels like weeks and months later and we aren’t even out of January.

Which to most may seem like, huh, big deal. But from seasonal depression and finding the bright side, ya know, when seasons change…It feels like a lifetime away even if only a few weeks. I thought the no heat thing was the worst, and oh, it was grueling, but now we are roasty toasty…But it doesn’t change the fact it is still cold outside and 99% of the days have been gray and gloomy. While black and gray may be my favorite colors to wear…It does shit for mood. I NEED the season change…

This lethargy and shuffling about trying to be normal and smile and laugh is exhausting. If the disability people were to ever want to question my family and friends, I’d probably be screwed. Because no matter how open and honest I am, they only hear what makes them comfortable. HEY, SHE LAUGHED AT A JOKE. Hey, she put on eyeliner and came to dinner.

There are no words to describe how much it takes out of me to paste on that facade, all in the name of being “normal” and not making others uncomfortable. Soul sucking seems an apt description, as I am sure many of you can relate to. We fake it, but that’s all it is. FAKE. Our struggle and pain are very real but we live in a world too weak to deal with that. To the masses mental health issues are akin to “mentally disabled”, as if we are lacking in intelligence or basic skills to survive life. The truth is… a huge percentage of “mentally disabled” people with bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, et al…are hugely intelligent. Our brains simply don’t process and produce the same results as non chemically altered brains.\

It is frustrating to the nth. I see my shrink Monday and while I think the Wellbutrin is a good start..I am still going to have to contend with his “why won’t you do the counseling clinic” and also, his last comment about how being on disability is “the new norm”, like I am hindering my own progress cos this is somehow more comfortable. I told R earlier, when he was on a rant about how those of us on disability/food stamps/Medicare/Medicade are all government minions kissing the government ring to get “free stuff”.\

I told him flat out, “Losing your self esteem is not getting anything for free, it costs more than you could ever comprehend.”

Not to mention, with all his Trump crumpeting…he, too, is just a minion, whether he realizes it or faces it. His small business is struggling and paying more taxes than it should because he, too, is at their mercy.

I guess being called a government minion got under my skin. Because other than abide by the rules for disability such as seeing my doc, seeing their doc for review…I am not kissing up or selling out. I am living my truth and others see it…So if I don;t qualify for legally entitled disability and such..I should be given an Oscar for fooling dozens of people. All of whom only need read this blog to comprehend I am faking nothing.

Now…I had to wait an hour because my “Obama phone” aka Safelink had no service so I couldn’t even call to see if my kid could have a sleepover with my mom…but service is up so now i can. Thank Pegacorn neither of us were bleeding out cos no service is kinda…unreliable. Shall we fire Tracfone?

Just to prove I have kept an iota of humor about me…I saw a couple things around town this week that made me smile so I had to take pics.

One…I luuuurve (damn you, Sass, for introducing me to that term lurve!) the Serta counting sheep and this display window just beckoned for a camera…

0126171257-00Then this beautifully yet warped random gem driving by, cos my sis was a huge Cabbage Patch Doll fan and I find them creepy to this day…

dollHow can you not admire someone nailing a naked cabbage patch doll to a phone pole????

Also…how attached are you to your internet name? In my case…This is on my bedroom wall.

morgueLast but not least…my daughter’s rendition of a skull cup you can drink from AND plug into a wall as a lamp.

demon-cup

Depression is kicking my ass, making me narcoleptic and grumpy but…the humerus (ha ha ha) is still working.