Archive for the cat and kitten pictures Category

Stale Hell, Fresh Hell

Posted in cat and kitten pictures, depression with tags , , , , , on April 13, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

So, yeah, click the cute kitty pic and donate through paypal if you can. I don’t like being this repetetive and aggressive but THIS IS ABOUT KEEPING A HOME FOR MY CHILD SO I CANNOT BE DEEMED UNFIT SIMPLY FOR BEING BROKE. And fyi, if *someone* wasn’t over $4000 behind in child support, we wouldn’t be in this position.

Four days since she emailed the donor. 4 days without him replying. This is my fresh hell. She has been having so many screaming meltdowns, I truly think the situation is upsetting her more than it is making her happy to see her ‘father’. No one cares about the damage being but me. That lawyer may as well being working for the donor. The thought of taking her tomorrow to meet the dreaded one has me both anxious but depressed. 8 years is a long time to go without seeing your kid, especially when you lived around the corner and never once asked or even tried to see her. I know my kid and if he buys her stuff or acts silly, she will love him. Then later the fallout will come and I’ll probably be the worst parent on Earth (he does live in town, remember) so I’ll be on the shit list and he will be elevated to God like status. But it’s not just my ego.

It is that my daughter is so fickle and he is not good at keeping his word so first time he messes up, it will still be my fault and I will be bandaging her psychic wounds all the while that grinning monkey of a lawyer tells me this is what is best for her. No, it’s just what is easiest for him. Sooner he gets this through the court the sooner he can send his overly padded bill for 3 years to my uncle who guaranteed it. Three fucking years on a non contested no property and no custody dispute case. He makes me sick, he is why people despise lawyers. Any other lawyer it would have taken 2 hearings and done. By dragging it out for years (because the donor moved and switched jobs so much and never notified the court) he ranks up more fees.

I am trying to keep a positive and hopeful attitude that this is what is best for Spook but…you know how you get that nagging sensation in your gut that tells you it wasn’t just you, that there is something very wrong with another person? That is how I am feeling and my instinct is to protect my child, from physical harm or mind games.

Stale hell, of course, is that I haven’t bathed in a week, my meds aren’t doing fuck all, I still just want to sleep all of the time, and anything beyond a trip to the local minimart sents me into a panic spiral. And because all of this other stuff is weighing me down, the housework has piled up and my brain says, hell, you’re unfit, they’re gonna take your kid away…and the other part of me who is just so fucking exhausted and tired of having a thousand pounds of stress placed on me with no one willing to even toss me a lifesaver as I bob in the water…that part is like, I got no fight left in me. If being behind on laundry and needing to mow the lawn are fatal, tap me out.

I mean seriously. The child has her own bedroom. She has an MP3 player, a tablet, a dollhouse, a swingset, a scooter, a bike. The fridge is always filled with fruit and veggies in addition to food for meals. She is kept clean, goes to the doctor and dentist, she has friends, she has a pet cat….So if my biggest sin is the difficulty I have always had keeping up with housework, it would make far more sense for them to get me once a week help for this stuff than to label me unfit over dustbunnies and being disorganized.

I put nothing past the donor. I could just see him saying, hey, I have a girlfriend and we have a stable home with a second bedroom and I’m not working so our home would be better for Spook…He is that important in his own mind. And to get out of Armpit, I swear my kid would sell me out in a heartbeat. She hates it here more than she loves me. As evidenced by yet another 90 minute screaming fit last night that started out as “give me a bath NOW’ and I said in awhile, and she started growling then said, fine if I let her have fudge round cookies…I said no, there’s carrots and celery in the fridge and crackers, you can eat that…and then like Linda Blair channeling satan the child went ballistic, accused me of never bathing her, never feeding her and being a starver, I am mean, I do nothing but watch TV, I like the cats more than her, and if I really loved her I’d give her all the cookies she wants and move us back to town where she is happy.

Sound exhausting and nerve fracturing?

Try 4-5 nights of it every single week. Ever since we moved here. One more reason to swallow pride and try to raise funds so I can get us moved back to town at some point. Not like I dig living in the sticks. But I’m not blaming my dislike for rural towns on her or anyone else, this is just how it went down. I too am not entirely happy here. I am also grown up enough to know that a simple change of locale isn’t going to solve a damn thing because I need to cover the bills here or I won’t be able to get service should we get the chance to move.

I know, I am cracking my fucking lids, writing less coherently than usual. This is where I am now. Sure could use a few kind people to extend a hand and help pull me out of the rabbit hole. I got three more ‘no thank yous’ from my job search today and I am feeling pretty useless. Those feelings of useless are depression’s way of weakening you to do bad bad desperate BAD things to escape the pain you’re feeling.

I don’t like that place in my own mind so here I am, reaching out.

Mom and Daughter need help.

And a basket of kittens cos it is, after all, Caturday.

Habitat For Inhumanity

Posted in anxiety disorders, cat and kitten pictures, depression with tags , , , , , , , on April 6, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

For the first time in 2 weeks, I bathed today. Shaved, shampooed, washed, scented, clean clothes. I was freezing and it did not lead to the ‘feel good’ signs the psych professionals say it will…But it’s done and my scalp no longer feels like it’s wearing a deep fryer.

I got an email informing me today that I was ‘not qualified’ for two posted jobs. I kinda call bullshit on needing a degree to teach English as a second language to non native English speakers on line. For $22 an hour working from home, I will study endlessly and research lesson plans and just…ANYTHING THAT KEEPS ME FROM REPEATED FAILURE AT TRYING TO COMFORM WHEN MY BRAIN SIMPLY CANNOT PERFORM THE ACCEPTABLE WAY.

Our other preggo cat gifted us with 5 more kittens today. I seem to have been assigned midwife and nursery duties by the mama cats as they insisted on having them, and keeping them, near me, in my room, and on my bed.

Heartbreaking thing is, these are not great cat moms. A few weeks in they run low on milk and lose interest in the babies and we can’t afford the kitten formula even if we are willing to hand feed them with bottles. The beauty of birth gets trampled by harsh reality and I’ve told every family member and friend the issue and they ‘can’t help’. But they can go eat out a steakhouse, buy new tires for the car, pay to fix up their bathroom, buy pricier clothing…

I may have complexes and low self esteem but I think my entire family is telling me how they feel about me and what they think of our unexpected kittens. We had every intention of getting them fix…Until the donor got over $4500 behind in child support. He gets to keep whatever income he has. live off whover’s name is on the bill, fail to comply with the court order to always inform them of address and employment changes…He is not compliant on one single factor. But they just let him skate and my daughter not only does without extras like basketball or cheerleading or science camp, she also gets a bunch of cruel classmates asking her why she doesn’t have a dad.

It’s been that way for 8 years. Before now, it has never really made me feel this lousy. But in rural country where ‘divorce’ is uttered as often as ‘rock n roll'(Like, never.) …No way this place could ever understand.

I think I missed a call earlier from The Woman Hating Lawyer From Hell. I haven’t worked up the nerve to even check messages. That man is so incompetent, there is never any good news. EVER. Now he is likely saying got the donor to sign off and I have to start letting him see Spook even though he is $4500 behind on child support and main reason for all our financial ills. I am just not in strong enough mental space tonight.


Where is your and the judge’s logic in not pursuing a chronic deadbeat, not holding him accountable for abandoning her when she was 2 wuthout even a kiss, and 8 years later he has shown zero interest in her well being at all? Why are his rights protected more than a 9 year old child’s right to have both parents supporting them, taking responsibility and loving them? I wonder at times if it’s the misogynistic ‘good ole boys’ network at play, comprised of a bunch of men in the legal profession who got screwed in their custody/divorce settlement so now they may represent the women but go out of their way to make sure the man comes pout ahead and the kid (s) get nothing.

Two week old toddle-bot kittens.

Same kittens at 3 weeks.

Mama and toddlebots.

And that is Hex with her little Hexlings, around 3 years old as of today.

I am totally spazzing out over the bills I can’t pay and will result in our water and power being turned off. My daughter keeps pushing me to have a fundraiser because we truly do need the help and we simply cannot abandon our kitty babies. I just…know how dejected I feel when a campaign fails to even get a single dollar donation in a month. I accept it, but I simply can’t bring myself to force her to accept it. She believes in the best in people and I won’t rob her of that.

Really though…if you call yourself a cat lover and know that all these kittens we have between the two mamas and yet the mamas can’t produce enough milk to keep them alive…if we are willing to receive a simple kitten bottle and formula directly as opposed to asking for cash…We are the real deal.


Posted in cat and kitten pictures, depression with tags , , , , , , , on October 3, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

The kittens are almost 3 weeks old and plump as Butterball turkeys. Tabbytha is a great mama.

Soon, she will start trying to wean them and honestly in our current situation…this fundraiser needs to gain momentum, in exposure, shares, donations. I’m gonna have a kid and 4 kittens having a throwdown over who gets to has a cheezburger.

Just read our story before writing us off as another internet scam.

I may use humor and cutesy kid and cat pics but fact is, I am terrified that I am going to fail them because someone else did us wrong. Asking for help is difficult but random acts of kindness make it easy to be grateful even when pride has to be put aside.

My kid and kitties make me happy as they fill me with so much love. It kills me to think that I am failing them in any way when none of this was in my control. So consider a kind gesture like clicking share. Such a simple thing to do and yet so very valuable to those in need.