Archive for the sleep disorders Category

Random Rants And Musings At The Rooster Hour

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression, sleep disorders with tags , , , , , on July 29, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

I woke up from a fucked up dream for the third time around 3:30 with every intention of going back to sleep. My mind is not cooperating so thanks to my digital TV antenna, I’ve gotten to watch a couple of shows on PBS. One was about a family in Pakistan who was being threatened by the taliban because they dared to educate their daughters same as the sons and ‘girls are a burden on the family.’ Much as I try to respect and understand other cultures, I have never been on board with the sexism placed on offspring. Even in this country to do this day there are people living in the past who value boys over girls and oh, the intellectual emaciation of men who say “My wife did not give me a son.” Well, women are born only with XX chromosomes so we depend on the Y necessary for boy infants therefore it is the male failing to give a son. Basic science. And if you’re a decent human being, you’ll love your children no matter the gender. And for this Pakistani family, hats off, for the father refused to differentiate between his sons or daughters, he treated them the same as far as getting them educated and loving them, even under threaten of death by the taliban. Gotta give the man respect. I love people who go against the social grain and do what feels right to them. (Excluding terrorists and pedophiles and animal abusers, they’re just vile excrement who should be executed on sight but hey, that’s just me.)

The other show I watched was about the white house over the years and presidencies with the families. What I saw mostly were regular families forced into a spotlight yet still trying to make the best of it and have a sense of humor and a good heart. Much as I felt Obama didn’t necessarily live up to his campaign promises and Michelle Obama chose an utterly silly platform (really, let’s worry about chubby kids instead of the kids too poor to get any food, let alone healthy stuff? Seems silly to me.) But they seemed pretty down to Earth, devoted to each other and their kids, and there just wasn’t any rancor. Maybe a front, but it reminded me I wasn’t always a political hater, I wasn’t always ashamed to be an American. The current regime…Makes me feel dirty and ashamed, like I need a constant bath to wash away the hatred, corruption, and nastiness. How times have changed. Maybe we had shady presidents in the past but they kept it low key. Of course, their fan base wasn’t comprised of intellectually emaciated racists and hatemongers.

But what do I know, I am a mental health blogger. Guess when I wake at 3 a.m. and can’t get back to sleep and I am riddled with the monthly hormonal dysphoria (I got so mad last night, I actually punched a door six times, lucky I didn’t break my hand, and since I haven’t had anything like that happen in over two years…this is gonna be a bad curse but if I have to listen to my kid say something isn’t her fault one more time when it absolutely was, I am gonna implode. She’s all sweet and lovey when others are round then they leave and she’s back to screaming at me and last night, I refused to go get her Laffy Taffy so she punched me in the arm 5 times and I am so scared of them taking her from me, I feel utterly defenseless against her tantrum attacks so I send her to her room…) BREATHE. I am filled with so much rage that is not normal to me. And the cramps and backache and irritation and anxiety and the fact all I look forward to is sleep but I can’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time…And I am hungry as hell but I have no energy to fix anything to eat.

“My heart and mind are not yet aligned.”

I stole that line from some TV show but it seems appropriate enough a description. A week from now minus the hormonal surge I may change my mind. But to my credit, at least I know to walk away outdoors when I feel myself going hormonally nuts. Then she follows me outside and starts in again about candy or whatever and it’s like there is no escape, even in the bathroom, within five minutes she is outside the door making demands. She had a fit because “I’m not getting much for my birthday cos you guys are all always broke.” When she is so disrespectful and lacking in gratitude, truthfully, I don’t want to give her more than a cupcake with a candle on it, a chintzy toy she’ll break or lose in 5 minutes, and move along. I guess that’s my damage, but she’s turning 9, she still hits me and screams at me (lesser since we moved but it still does happen) and she doesn’t treat anyone else the way she treats me. I am busting my ass for her and….nothing. Kids may be takers by nature but my kid has elevated it to an art form and what fears me most is she may never outgrow it. They say personality is basically solidified by age 7 so…it’s terrifying. And I say no all the time, I give her limits (I made her write an essay yesterday on why I had to send her friend home because she wouldn’t share her toys and kept yelling at him.) I am doing everything I know and…

Juggling my own mental issues. Some situational, some not. Because when I can’t even go to yard sales and enjoy them…my brain chemicals are not right. When my cat loves on me and I just want them to go away and leave me alone…my brain is not right. That’s not situational. That’s clinical.

It will be light out soon. I want to go back to sleep, my back is killing me from the cramps. But if the mind doesn’t cooperate even with melatonin and Xanax…my one escape has been taken away.

Fuck this, only roosters should be up at this hour. Bet they got more sleep than I did so they crow with happiness.

I just want to fucking sleep. And ya know, get to a point where my mind is feeling so well, I get bummed at bedtime because hey, I could be writing or reading or doing crafts, I could be doing things I usually love. I want that back. I want sleep to be a necessity, not a luxury, not a way to escape only to end up more frustrated.

I just want to feel well again. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But as Sebastian Bach once was said on a Skid Row home video doc, “If you think, you stink.”

I’d give up thinking but again…no cooperation from the brain. Ass trash.


Toss. Turn. Sleep. Wake. Toss. Turn. Sleep. Wake. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Posted in sleep disorders with tags , , , , , on May 26, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

My first kid free weekend in who knows how long. After a tumultuous year of unexpected change after change, a crippling months long depression, and overloaded anxiety circuits…I should be fast asleep at 4:19 a.m. Instead, I am sitting up watching Major Crimes, drowning in sinus drainage, thoroghly disgusted by just how extreme my disrupted sleep pattern has become.

I fell asleep sometime before 11 p.m….And I woke at 12:30, then 1:30, and again a little after 2 a.m. So I got up for a bit, turned on some news thing on PBS about foreign news stories and I moved to lay at the foot of the bed. More toss and turn, more racing mind and thudding heart in spite of a second 6 mg dose of melatonin, so in went more Xanax. And I nodded off.

Only to wake at ten til 4, wide awake, misrable in my drainage, and said, oh screw this.

I’ve always had sleep disorders-insomnia, somnolence, trouble falling asleep, oversleeping, not sleeping enough…But this disrupted cycle since my child was born 9 years ago…it’s insane. It’s exhausting. And everything I am hearing and reading says that this lack of rejuvenating rest could be making my depression and anxiety worse. Oddly, it’s the aspect of my disorders the professionals seem least concerned with. Probably because I refuse to take their old school sleeping pills like Trazadone because hey, I have a kid and need to be alert, not bombed out, and I can’t sleep 12 hours a day and spent two hours shaking off the damn headache hangover those sleeping pills give me.

So I try the ‘lights out, calming sounds only’method. Counting backwards, visualizing the STOP signing, deep breathing, relaxation techniques, no food or caffeinated drinks after 7 p.m. take my Xanax to calm my brain an hour before my melatonin…I am getting more exercise, more fresh air, more sunlight. I AM DOING EVERYTHING TO HELP MYSELF EXCEPT TAKING THEIR DAMN COMA PILLS and nothing helps, nothing works.

I tried the hypnotic sleep med route back when I had a decent doc who gave me samples. I’d wake up on the bathroom floor with no memory of walking there so thankfully, insurance wouldn’t pay for that crap and the samples ran out.

I tried their weak ass Vistaril and Restoril hoping if nothing else it’d help with my plethora of allergies and rioting histamines. Both took forever to kick in and didn’t keep me asleep but did give me headaches.

I’ve had a golden day or two this week. The days where nothing great happens but my mind feels steadier and even when something sucky does happen, my steady mind is able to cope with a modicum of lucidity and dignity. Golden days.

The nights, though, the start and stop sleep, over and over and over…Is is any wonder I am always on edge, always tired, never feel revived enough to leap out of bed, happy to face the day?

If you told someone your phone only charges to 40% and goes dead after a couple hours of use, they’d say buy a new battery so it’d charge fully and work better.

But if you’re a lowly person who can never recharge properly to work optimally…meh, no biggie. Your fault for not wanting to take pills that make you bombed out and hungover.

And by the way, even with those coma drugs and sleeping 12 hours a day, I was still always tired because even taking them for years, that morning hangover never would lessen or go away. That’s no way to live any more than this sleep/wake cycle.

I am frustrated. I should be elated, I have another entire day and night knowing my kid is safe and having fun with her grandma and aunt. My time. I was going to do this and that around the house, and hey, if I can’t sleep, I can day nap without a kid to watch. Except dad and stepmonster are going out of town and my brother is staying home to babysit their neighor’s dog…and dad and stepmonster, assholes they are, said, “Your brother is going to be home alone with (husky pup) so he’s probably going to bring him over to your house so you can help out.”

My brother turns 23 in July. How hard is it to go without mommy and daddy for 3 or 4 hours and take care of a damned puppy? Infringing on me quiet time without regard to my feelings is one more reason I have so much resentment for them. They give zero fucks about what I might have planned. Or even I have no plans, hey, I’d like ONE bloody day without another living soul aside from my cats in my proximity.

But hey, I’m 45, paying to live here without their help, and apparently, I’m still a child whom they can inform has to hang around to help her little brother. With a dog. And hey, that dog is awesome, but 15 days in a row those people have been in my face…enough is fucking enough. I say so, they laugh, snort, and ignore me. Were I a wealthy sociopath, I’d hire someone to kneecap them just so they couldn’t get around as easily and bug the fuck out of me.

I am disappointed in myself sometimes for not being a sociopath. Those are some of the happiest most successful people on the planet. Damn having a soul and conscience all to hell.

That concludes my early morning rant. MAYBE if I were ever able to sleep for more than 3 solid hours I wouldn’t be so rant-y. Don’t think I’m ever gonna be able to mythbust that one since it’s more likely I’ll win Publisher’s Clearing House money than get 6 solid hours sleep in my lifetime.

Sleep May Be For The Weak, But I’d Settle For Some Weakness Right Now

Posted in sleep disorders with tags , , , on January 9, 2018 by morgueticiaatoms

4:41 a.m. I’ve been awake for a half hour now. Think it’s the third time I have wakened since going to bed a little after ten. This is so exhausting a frustrating. I think the perpetually disrupted sleep cycles may well drive me over the edge before my other disorders or even the stress of living in a world gone mad. I can’t battle this other stuff when my mind and body are constantly deprived of proper rest.

I have always had sleep disturbances, since I was 10 years old and it’d take me an hour or two of just laying in bed to get to sleep. Too much sleep, running on little sleep, flourishing with only six hours-as long as it’s solid- I am used to this facet of my disorders.

What has mutated and become unbearable is this wake and sleep and wake and sleep, and often wake in a panic for no reason where the spinning thoughts set in and by the time I get calmed down…it’s time for the alarm to get my kid up for school. Nine times out of ten no matter how tired or under rested, I am unable to go back to sleep even after she leaves. The wake and sleep cycle wasn’t exactly a new thing, I used to have to get up and go to the bathroom sometimes but I’d always trudge back along and once under the covers, go back to sleep.

Since having my daughter…Uninterrupted sleep is a foreign concept. I used to think it was new mom anxiety, checking to make sure the newborn was breathing, just marveling at her little sleeping body. Then she became a toddler and I was terrified she’d fall out of bed or get up and go decide to turn on a stove burner and so I couldn’t sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. After that she spent the better part of 3 years either sleeping in my bed or getting up within 2 hours of me tucking her into her own then fussingm til she could sleep in my bed.

Thankfully she has been sleeping through for the most part for about a year now with some isolated incidents and yet…she’s 8 and I still wake every two hours or so. And it’s not even like it’s because of bad dreams because when I am in these winter depressions, I welcome even bad dreams cos I can always wake from them. This depressive mental state is inescapable so I prefer sleep. Yet I can’t stay down more than a couple of hours at a time. It’s no wonder I am short tempered, grumpy, tired by 7 p.m. and unable to find energy to do much of anything.

I am bloody well exhausted and my psych nurse’s idea of helping is to prescribe some lame anti histamine that’s been cross labeled for sleep. I could have gotten benadryl. Not that those anti histamines work anymore, I have such allergies and hive inducing anxiety, I pretty much lived on benadryl and such for 30 years so it’s totally ineffective, not to mention it makes me loopy so if I do need to pee in the middle of the night, I walk into walls and stumble around. Useless.

I don’t want the answer is here.

I just remember someone I knew from my early social media dabblings (die die die, social media) and she’d be up for days then sleep for days but she’d always quip, “Sleep is for the weak” when she was on a manic kick.

Right now…I’d be just fine with some weakness if it meant even six hours of uninterrupted sleep for a couple of weeks. My tank is on empty and until it is refilled…I’m not sure any med regime is going to help with my mental state because one of the biggest issues is never experiencing a full healthy sleep cycle so my body and mind feel remotely rested.

Ninety minutes til the alarm goes off. Oh and even though I’ve eaten nothing for almost 24 hours, I now have reflux which really hurts and makes it even harder to focus on calming myself and at least catching another hour of sleep.

Who am kidding. By the time I calm the anxiety and racing thoughts, I’ll likely have 15 minutes before the alarm goes off.

8 years of this. And I can’t even say it’s my kid or my mommy anxiety. Something is very wrong.

For once, I want to be weak, if it means getting some damned sleep.

She’s 8 now