Archive for the Attention Deficit Disorder Category

My Brain Is Stampeding Today

Posted in anxiety, Attention Deficit Disorder with tags , , , , on August 23, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I can’t find any clarity today. The thoughts are coming too fast, too furious. Racing thoughts freak me out even if they are frequent. I had hoped for an ounce of clear thought so I could accomplish something around the house. Or at least find some solace in a quiet mind.

It is not to be.

Two shrinks said ADD comorbid with the bipolar two disorder. The others say it’s anxiety byproduct and will abate once the anxiety is in check. Which isn’t going to happen when they keep lowering the anti anxiety meds which is the ONLY thing other than Focalin that slows my mind enough for clear thought. To say I am confused and frustrated is an understatement.

I am thinking so unclearly these days, I literally had to call the shrink’s office on my kid’s behalf and ask them to do the math on what day I can pick up her script (they have a 3 business day policy from when you call it in to when you can fetch it) and also when the insurance would pay for it. I literally could not wrap my brain around the math and I can’t risk my kid experiencing withdrawal if I screw it up. The nurse there was very nice and helpful and set it all up for me, thankfully.

This reminds me of trying to help my kid with her 5th grade math. This common core bullshit is, well, fucking bullshit. Six steps to do what I can do in three. And it HAS to be done their way and as core math was never taught, or even mentioned, when I went to school, I am a bit lost. Fact is, highly educated as R and his wife are, they saw her 3rd grade common core math and even they had trouble figuring it out because it is so convulated with more steps than are necessary. I know there is a method to their madness but I can’t fathom it.

I am starting to think my NP also has problems with math. When she filled my Zoloft, she put it down for 155 pills. Well, seven days with one pill, then 21 days with 2 pills ain’t 155. And she is constantly giving me 90 days worth of other meds when they should only be a 30 day supply, then she renews the script so she isn’t thinking ahead. Her math is fucked up. I turned her in and it did no good at all.

See how fast the thoughts are coming? It is like a stampede in my brand and it is terrifying. I don’t know what to do with this chaos. I can’t even focus on watching my shows, which for the last several days were keeping me fairly focused and calm. That is out the fucking window now.

I am also itchy and twitchy with the superstition mom installed in me for itchy ears and nose meaning calls or visits and people talking about you.

If this is sanity and stability, I think I have a pretty good malpractice case against the psych center. When the head shrink asked if I was willing to keep seeing the NP, I should have said NO. I just didn’t want to make too many waves. Which was how I lost access to my fave competent awesome shrink and ended up with NP number 1 who was useless. I wanted to be agreeable because I know their staffing issues. My compassion and empathy fucked me royally. And the awesome doc left so likely I’d have ended up here anyway. Though had I stayed with him even the year he remained, I might have been on a better path. Then again, with my med resistance and sensitivity, I can’t really blame them as long as they are willing to go to the wall for me. Which current NP is NOT because she is so concerned with keeping the conservative regime set out by her overseer. Less pills would make me elated. Less pills are not what I need now. I need HELP. Aggressive help.

My kingdom for something to calm my mind right now. You’d think with all this madness in my mind I’d have all sorts of energy and get up and go but I am still wearing the same clothes from two days ago. I did a load of laundry but I have no energy to hang dry it since my dryer is broken. And the washer is making unfamiliar sounds so it will probably be next. I can’t catch a damn break here without everything going wrong.

I dream of a quiet mind. Instead, I have perpetual mental chaos. My luck is shit.


The Twister That Is My Brain-Attention Deficit Disorder

Posted in Attention Deficit Disorder, biolar disorder with tags , , , , , on October 4, 2015 by morgueticiaatoms

twister irfanviewTHAT is what my brain is like at any given time. A twister. A cyclone. A force of nature to wreak destruction and blow cows through the sky. (The cow was always my favorite scen e from Twister, not cos the moo gets hurt, but because it was…well, not factual thus funny.)

My shrink says attention deficit is a common secondary problem of bipolar. Our minds spin so fast due to the mood swings that it becomes a lack of focus then metastasizes to attention deficit. We look flaky, like we are lazy and don’t want to pay attention but it’s hard to do when your brain is firing off a dozen thoughts all at once. I am on Focalin and even it isn’t helping at times, my brain is just too….clusterfucked.

It worked wonders initially, but being med resistant…It makes sense that seven months at the same low dose would become less efficient. Still, it took me 7 years and five doctors to find one who’d even attempt to help by prescribing Focalin. Can’t really rock the boat. And besides, I’ve started to wonder if between that, and the hypomania inducing Cymbalta, are why my anxiety has become so heightened. I like the energy, I like being able to focus better (though certainly not at any level the McMuggles deem optimal).

Oh, how the thoughts swirl today. I could do this, that, knick knack paddy whack, give the dog a bone….

Yet in spite of coming up with projects to do, my salad of a brain can’t pull a single thought out of it all to run with. It’s all so fleeting, like blowing a bubble and it’s nice and big and you think you can catch it on your finger but then ,poof, it’s gone.

For a more accurate description, though I’ll be damned if the shrink didn’t get it and looked at me like I had two heads…It’s like trying to pull in one radio station but for whatever, you’re getting two fuzzy stations on the same frequency. So while your brain tries to follow the rock and roll station, the talk radio station keeps distracting you.

I hate this shit.

By the time I get a chance to do the “agenda” my tornado brain has created…I won’t have the energy. So when I have the energy, I can’t focus enough to do it. When I can focus, my energy is gone.

WTF brain.