Archive for the Attention Deficit Disorder Category

The Twister That Is My Brain-Attention Deficit Disorder

Posted in Attention Deficit Disorder, biolar disorder with tags , , , , , on October 4, 2015 by morgueticiaatoms

twister irfanviewTHAT is what my brain is like at any given time. A twister. A cyclone. A force of nature to wreak destruction and blow cows through the sky. (The cow was always my favorite scen e from Twister, not cos the moo gets hurt, but because it was…well, not factual thus funny.)

My shrink says attention deficit is a common secondary problem of bipolar. Our minds spin so fast due to the mood swings that it becomes a lack of focus then metastasizes to attention deficit. We look flaky, like we are lazy and don’t want to pay attention but it’s hard to do when your brain is firing off a dozen thoughts all at once. I am on Focalin and even it isn’t helping at times, my brain is just too….clusterfucked.

It worked wonders initially, but being med resistant…It makes sense that seven months at the same low dose would become less efficient. Still, it took me 7 years and five doctors to find one who’d even attempt to help by prescribing Focalin. Can’t really rock the boat. And besides, I’ve started to wonder if between that, and the hypomania inducing Cymbalta, are why my anxiety has become so heightened. I like the energy, I like being able to focus better (though certainly not at any level the McMuggles deem optimal).

Oh, how the thoughts swirl today. I could do this, that, knick knack paddy whack, give the dog a bone….

Yet in spite of coming up with projects to do, my salad of a brain can’t pull a single thought out of it all to run with. It’s all so fleeting, like blowing a bubble and it’s nice and big and you think you can catch it on your finger but then ,poof, it’s gone.

For a more accurate description, though I’ll be damned if the shrink didn’t get it and looked at me like I had two heads…It’s like trying to pull in one radio station but for whatever, you’re getting two fuzzy stations on the same frequency. So while your brain tries to follow the rock and roll station, the talk radio station keeps distracting you.

I hate this shit.

By the time I get a chance to do the “agenda” my tornado brain has created…I won’t have the energy. So when I have the energy, I can’t focus enough to do it. When I can focus, my energy is gone.

WTF brain.