Archive for the anxiety disorders Category

Panic Ninjas And Their Throwing Stars

Posted in anxiety, anxiety disorders, panic disorder with tags , , , , , , , , on December 20, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

And from out of the woodwork come the oh so familiar panic ninjas, filling me with paranoia and that bad juju feeling…like something bad is coming my way.

Nothing triggered it.

It just is.

And it’s one of the hardest things I have to live with, these anxiety and panic attacks that make no sense and garner little empathy, just harsh judgment.

I feel like I am losing my mind, not being able to get these out of control feelings of anxiety and paranoia under wraps.

I also feel weak for not being able to beat it.

But it’s a disorder for a reason. I cope best I can, I take my meds, I try to at least keep my freak outs inward so as not to damage my kid with my neurotypical brain.

Does not change, at all, these feelings that something awful is coming my way. Is something bad coming? Is it distorted thoughts and misfiring brain chemicals? Culmination of holiday stress and frustration that my meds aren’t actually making as big a difference as I’d hoped they would?

Maybe it’s knowing for the next 16 days my kid is going to be home, bored and restless and giving me whiplash with her puberty induced mood swings and screaming fits.

Maybe it’s knowing that I am trapped in this fucked up mind in this fucked up mental state with these fucked up panic ninjas throwing their fucking stars at me and I have zero respite outside sleep. Which in two hour increments leaves me more pissed off and exhausted than feeling much relief.

I wish even for one day all the people who say condescending shit like “calm down” and “get over it, panic attacks won’t kill you.” could find out what it is like to live perpetually in a state of fight or flight.

Difference being, I wouldn’t be an insensitive jerk and judge them for symptoms or not understanding before. I would offer empathy and compassion, as it should be.

Still, wish I could slash these panic ninjas into ribbons with a big ass sword.

Spazzing Out

Posted in anxiety, anxiety disorders with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Not an hour ago I posted about an episode of sudden, unexplained anxiety bordering on panic.

Well, I waited wayyyy too long to take Xanax. I am now in panxiety territory-where panic and anxiety meet and explode.

What if your heating assistance grant isn’t approved?

You haven’t gotten notice about an increase in food benefits since losing child support, what if there is some issue and you’ve been denied? It never takes 2 weeks for a decision…except that time it took a month but this MUST mean something went awry and now I can’t fucking feed my kid!!!!

Your kid came home spouting off about ‘bad juju feelings’, what the hell have you done to this child with all your psycobabble talk and superstition based ‘bad juju feelings’????

The weather is supposed to be changing, what if you can’t get to town to buy Thanksgiving food or the car breaks down and is fucked up for good?

What kind of mother lets the home run out of toilet paper so you have to swipe a roll from family and you’re still running out with a week to go before the check comes?

Oh, fuck, what if the check doesn’t come for some reason and you’ve got no grant to cover heat or food or Christmas or to buy toilet paper, the sky is falling, you’re a complete fuck up and failure as a mother, worthless!!!

My mood turned from bleak to black. I can’t even enjoy the show I was previously sort of getting into. The panxiety has stormed the castle and panic ninjas are coming at me from all sides with their paranoia laced throwing stars and panic enhanced swords…


I’m scared, I am really, really scared.

And what the hell kind of loving family can’t spring a buck to buy us a pack of toilet paper, for fuck’s sake???? Considering I took half my day to help them out last week when stepmonster needed a ride and accompaniment to her medical procedures…

Oh, and what about that so called good friend R who can’t even be bothered to drop ten bucks into my paypal account to help out til I can pay back when my check comes?

Oh, and what kind of loser ends up in this shitty position?

Oh, right. The deadbeat flaked on child support for the 4th time in 3 years and I can’t do a fucking thing about it because no one knows where he went (or he swore them to secrecy) and he doesn’t even update his address for court records, as he is supposed to do under law, being ya know, foreign….

My bad for relying on child support to support my child. What an irresponsible flake I am.

Oh, man, to be 20 years young, a hundred pounds thinner, and I’d so be doing internet webcam porn for a living. I don’t have pride when it comes to caring for Spook.

I also don’t have a computer with a working mic or webcam so even if I could find a fetish niche for fluffy nearing-50 ickiness, I couldn’t pull it off.


Society wants the disabled to get off the dole and be contributing members but when it comes to mental health disability, they do nothing to make it more accessable for us to use our skills without worsening our conditons…

Oh, wow, I just went off the fucking reservation…Total panic. Oh, and now I am kicking myself for the reservation comment as it is culterally insensitive…

Bloody fucking hell!!!!!

I REALLY wish this goddamn hell hole of the midwest had axe throwing or Rage rooms. I need some REAL fucking therapy that involves breaking shit and relieving pent up aggression and fear and paranoia.

I miss my voodoo doll (bawling emoji here) He was lost in the move. How it healed my spirits to stab him with knitting needles or bashing his head against things. It only sounds fucked up, I swear. It’s a bloody mass marketed doll, not specific to anyone. Just…shitty things life throws at me. I want another voodoo/dammit doll.

Of course, right now, I’d settle for $20 to refill my meds and buy some toilet paper and put gas in the car.

Okay, the Xanax is finally kicking in…Sanity is peeking in, waving at me shyly, seeing if it’s okay to return, I suppose. Not even the crazy wants to live my super crazy.

Though from my sci-fi show Lost Girl, they called a sucubus crazy and she pointed out, “The proper term is mentally unstable.”

I myself am fond of ‘sanity challenged’.

But it all leads back to society’s perception of crazy.

Fuck society and its collective ignorance when it comes to mental illness. Oh, behavioral health.

That term needs to die in a fucking fire.

The Panxiety Files: Is It Just Me?

Posted in anxiety, anxiety disorders with tags , , , , , on July 3, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I had a swearing fury laden meltdown in public. Fortunately, only my kid was around to witness it, and sadly, she is used to my panic episodes of this ilk. We were in town and it was 90 degrees and my brother seemed to be taking forever to come out so we could get on the road home…and I started feeling panxious. Paranoid the car wouldn’t start or would break down cos of the extreme heat. Aggravated that I even brought up the notion of waiting in town an hour to bring him home. He’s turning 25, they bought him a vehicle, the state gave him a license, it’s time to cut the fucking apron strings and let him drive himself. I wanted to be helpful and yes, get a little help with gas money, but it’s turning out to be more anxiety than I can handle.

Is it just me?

Does anyone else have panic attacks when they are out of their ‘safe space’, be it a man/woman cave, home, car, hangout, et al?

Do you feel your chest tighten and your belly roll and your heart beating in your chest, belly, and neck? Do you find it hard to breathe? Do you feel like a cornered animal and lash out with angry foul words even though you know it will serve no purpose except to later make you ashamed of your inability to conquer panic and control your negative emotions?

Or is it just me?


Tell me how your anxiety and panic manifest. Do you get dizzy? Sweaty? Go weak in the knees, feel woozy, and swear you’ll pass out but you don’t have time cos your gut goblins are dictating that you need a bathroom cos you are getting sick?

If it is just me, well…I can buy that my lashing out with foul angry language may be specific to me. I used to burst into tears and become super terrified and it really ran so called friends off. They were repulsed by the sniveling, terrified creature that was embarrassing them in public. So I learned to mask the symptoms to a degree. I learned to let it turn to anger and angry foul words because guess what?

People are more forgiving of that than if you cry and fall to pieces.

It’s sort of a sad statement about the decency of humans. Or at least the ones I have known who have been like rats scurrying off a sinking ship when I melt down and it becomes humiliating for them. They never once think how it makes me feel and how frustrating it is to be this so called bad ass yet get my ass kicked by a panic disorder I didn’t ask for, don’t want, and wish to hell I could get rid of.

So…chime in. How does your panic mess with your day to day life? Your ability to work, to run errands, to be a parent, be a spouse/gf/bg/et al. How do you cope? C’mon, toss me a bone here. I really need to know it isn’t just me whose panic has metastasized to the point I can barely leave my home without a meltdown. I am asking for input and yeah, maybe I don’t want to feel so alone in all of this. It’s not that I want others to suffer this shit, it’s just that I know some do and…if you have any coping mechanisms for the worst of it that soothe you…

To quote Dr. Frasier Crane, “I’m listening.”

Sometimes, not even a brain reboot helps

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , on June 12, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Cool wet gloomy day. I took my kid to day camp, came home, and curled up in bed. Two hours later I was still awake with racing thoughts and becoming agitated. All I wanted was to catch up on the sleep I didn’t get last night. I thought it would make things better. Then I could accomplish something. Instead, I didn’t nod off til after noon, then I woke in a panic at 1:30, terrified I had overslept. I went back down til 2:30 and forced myself to get up, get redressed and made up for public, and off I went. I fetched her, then my brother from his job, brought them both home, she went to their house to play with the neighbor kid and I am home alone. The cats are going bonkers as they always do any time there’s an abrupt shift in weather.

I thought I’d feel better having napped. Instead, I just feel loopy. Like putting a gallon of gas in the car then wondering why you run out before you reach your destination. It’s pretty easy when you start on an empty tank. That gallon does not go far. Nor do naps, especially when interrupted by a massive heart thundering bolt upright panic attack. It’s hit or miss, the sleep/nap thing. I guess with my moods tied to the weather I should have seen that today was just going to be a low energy, low mood day. I took my kid to the park and faked being human for a bit, at least.

And I did NOT take Abilify and guess what? Not itchy, not twitchy, not restless or antsy. Also not overloaded with anxiety from the Wellbutrin as the NP and her student said I was. I guess that is what makes it so insulting and easy to hate them. They just don’t listen to how it is for me, only how it reads from a book or a dozen case studies. I am an individual. Or maybe like Dilbert always called it, indivu-duh-ual. I feel pretty space case duhhhh right now but that is likely lack of sleep.

I am ready for bed. Hopefully they bring my kid home at a decent hour. I am not taking her to camp tomorrow cos she wants to go Friday for swimming and I have to kind of preserve gas. I got help, not a blank check. Still keeping up the vacation fundraiser, though, for all the good it will do. I would like just ONCE to have the money to take her to the public pool, as a mom and daughter, and maybe fit in a carnival where I can afford to go with her and ride and play games. Is it silly that I am a little envious that she gets to do all this via day camp while I am stuck home with housework and boredom? Petty or not, I can’t help but feel like I am left out of the fun aspects of her life. It’s all do to lack of money, not lack of interest or desire to have fun with her. I wonder if she knows the difference.

Today was a wash. The sun is coming out now and I just want to flip it off cos now, I am so tired, all I want to do is sleep and I need darkness and a tucked in child for that to happen.

No, a brain reboot does not always work out the glitches. I got my hopes up and that is on me. We’ll try the reboot tonight and hope for the best tomorrow.

Panic or Cowardice?

Posted in anxiety, anxiety disorders with tags , , , , on June 6, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I keep hearing a lawnmower outside the windows and I know, well, assume based on prior evidence, that it is the landlord’s son mowing the empty lots next door. The closer he gets to my windows and the louder the noise gets, the more my anxiety and panic shoot upwards. It’s unnerving, nerve racking, stressful. And on top of all that, I have to wonder…am I just a coward, not daring to look at things that upset me, be it someone outside close by mowing, or mail, or phone calls?

The answer is complex.

Because some days I feel I can face whatever life throws at me. Other days, like this one, I am a cowering trainwreck, so…cowardly. Not without good reason. If your anxiety and panic were so bad it impacted you gastrointestinally and sent you running to the bathroom sick to your stomach…would you be excited to take in more stimuli to make this worse? I’m not into immersion therapy, tried it, and it maimed my psych further and had zero good impact.

It is difficult to be this person people claim scares them because I am intimidating with my mood swings, expressions, and sarcastic cursing. That is one facet of my personality and it depends on mood cycle and other situational things. I’m not always cowardly, sometimes I am downright brave and intrepid. So I don’t consider this to be who I am, personality wise. It’s just one more spoke on the mood/mental cycle.

That does not make it easier to live with.

Not for the first time, I wonder why bother

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , on June 1, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

There’s a bunch of shit in my life dragging me down right now, not the least of which involves FAMILY being total hypcrites who can’t even say hello without insulting me. My kid is in town with her grandmother and they have like, 7 people there with good incomes, so they are basically buying her love which I cannot compete with. Yet none of it is going to help her at home, only at their houses. So I’m feeling furious and frustrated and hopeless and this is not the time to post seriously. I think (pray) it’s hormonal rage or otherwise this could consume me, realizing that even the one person in my family I could stand views me with so little respect she manipulated me for her own gain and basically lied to make me feel shitty and serve her needs. Oh, and people who say they will do something then completely blow you off without explanation or apology. If you want to know how bad I am feeling…I just sat through a Rage Against The Machine song. It’s very. very. bad.

So instead of focusing on any of that, or the fact that I can’t even sleep my torment off and reboot properly so I am just always tired and down and bitchy…

Listen to the Spookinator.

And give if you can or just click share for a good cause, for the love of pegacorn. I could use a little bit of a break now so I don’t have to break her heart and tell her I can’t take her to camp.

Little Bo Beep Has Lost Her Sleep…And Her Sheep

Posted in anxiety disorders, insomnia with tags , , , , , on May 31, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I truly thought I was in for good night’s sleep because I’ve been sleeping so poorly due to interruptions. I was tired and in bed as soon as my kid went down at 8 p.m. I was drained. But instead I slept 3 hours and woke from 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. It was frustrating as hell. I was tossing, turning, growling, groaning. It is maddening and when you can’t get your over the counter meds to kick in and you can’t slow your brain down because you have to ration your precious sane maker anti anxiety pills…I was ready to take a sledgehammer to something. I took 9 extra mg melatonin. Nothing. 150 mg antihistamine. Nothing. So I sat up and watched some Major Crimes and kept laying down, trying to kickstart my body’s ‘muscle memory’ of winding down to sleep when I start counting backwards in odd numbers from 1000.


I finally broke and broke a .50 Xanax in half. It slowed my mind eventually.

Then I started to nod off…And my desktop speakers are SO good, every time there was gunfire or explosions on the TV show, I bolted upright in a dead panic, thinking I forgot to turn off the gas and just blew up the house. This happened 2 or 3 times before I said, oh, forget it, and swapped out my sound machine as background noise. Thundering rainstorm is my soother. Eventually, I slept. Until about 7:45 when the cats started yowling and walking on my face to demand food.

Now it’s not yet 10 a.m. and I am somewhere between anxious but lethargic cos I did not get enough restorative sleep. I am running on fumes here and it’s gone ruin the engine at some point. Seriously, if we viewed our bodies and minds the way we do our cars and did maintenance that way to keep ourselves healthy and not in danger of destruction, we’d all be better off. It’s not as simple as seeing a GP once a year for a check up. Self care, like auto maintenance, is a day to day thing. The one time you slack off could well be like running your car out of oil and destroying the engine. You would never do that to a car yet we think nothing of running ourselves that ragged, and everyone comments how we look tired (or shitty, as my family says), why aren’t we sleeping.

Insomnia, bitches. I wish I could explain it to some but they are such simple minds and so stubborn, nothing I say can make them back down off their ignorant view that insomnia is a choice. I am about fed up being surrounded by people like this from my nurse to my family. I would sleep 8 glorious hours every day if it were a choice. Because then I’d wake up and face the day, fresh and renewed and ready to tackle the obstacle course. Instead, I tread water day after day, waiting for bed time and the promise of even 4 hours of unbroken sleep. If you have ever literally treaded water, then you know how literally exhausting it gets over time. The mind is the same way, eventually it gives out and you go under.

In my life, no one cares. That’s not a sob story, it’s fact. I may have some fringe-lier friends who care but in my real life…no one gives a damn. And I am ready to Z Whack me a bunch of ignorant people.

Because while I can round up all my sheep, do a headcount, and go back to start…I can never catch up on lost sleep and run at a perpetual detriment.

But yeah, it is a mystery why I am so fucking negative and grumpy. TOTAL. FUCKING. MYSTERY.