Archive for the anxiety disorders Category

Wiped Out Wednesday

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , on April 17, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

So, on the sucky side…I had my dad on my step before 8 a.m. and he screamed at me because he had to knock twice before I answered my door. “Your house is on fire! It could be, no more attention than you pay to the door.” (I’ve asked and asked for a wireless doorbell for this reason, duh.) He was on my ass to get lawn mowed. I was still in my jammies. Then he volunteered my brother to help me which usually involves me reminding him not to lollygag. He did okay today, and I did 3/4 of the lawn on my own. Was still thankful for the help even if they didn’t do it out of kindness, they had to go out of town and didn’t want him sitting at home on the internet or game system.

I bathed.

I got a call.

It was the same woman from last night who I feared I had scorched earth with my meltdown. She asked me if I could come in at 1 p.m. for an interview today. I agreed, though that damn misdemeanor from 15 years ago on my record keeps screwing me over and it does hamper enthusiasm, on top of my own shame. (You cannot let go of past mistakes when the world won’t let you.) But even though it took me awhile to find as it was in a residential home 6 miles outside of town (15 miles from my house). I found it, didn’t even have a house number so I just guessed between the other house numbers on the mailboxes.

The interview went pretty well. She was laid back and seemed to forive me my trespass last night. She made it clear she can’t do anything for me until I get the state healthcare worker waiver which could take 4-6 weeks but if I get that done and headquarters okays it she said she’d let me get my feet wet as a sub for their regular workers so I could pick my hours and activity level. She was concerned about the panic attacks but I was just honest.

I came home feeling pretty pleased with myself.

Then my dad called and asked how it went and I told him…and he told me to move along, there HAS to be other jobs where my past doesn’t matter. UM, HUH???? I am making an effort and going with who calls me for interviews, ffs. Not to mention his woman isn’t even working part time and is always griping about needing money and she’s so bored just being a housewife…But she’s too good for Mickey D’s or any of the other places I am supposed to force people at gunpoint to interview and hire me. He’s such a hypocrite, but so typical of a narcissist. No matter how well I do, he is always there to shoot me down and remind me I need to do better. Why the rules are so different for his woman and their man child is beyond me. Hell, they let him keep every cent of his check, don’t even charge him for the $8 a day in gas it costs them to haul him back and forth to town. I’m raising a kid alone and I can’t catch a break.

Today he told me I can’t keep driving my car, safely, without 4 replacement tires due mine being dry rotted and about to blow at any time. And it’s like, wtf, with what money I’m just trying to keep the power bill on (try catching up with $870 dollars when your entire monthly income is only $835) and now I am stuck in Armpit because I can’t afford even half decent used tires…I can’t catch a break and every time we seem to get a little one, we get hit with another damn catastrophic expense.

I am exhausted. I need to just zone out, breathe, calm down. So that is what I am gonna do. I’ve earned it.

Gotta make you wonder about the donor not being able to find work for 7 months even with his background in management whereas I’ve at least had a few nibbles since I ventured outside applying only for jobs I have experience with. Methinks the man does not want a job because then he will be forced to support his kid. That is as low as it gets yet he says he’s a good man. Makes me wonder if his derangement is so extreme he needs hospitalized.

We’re still doing the fundraising thing (I’ve noticed the gofundme page says there’s been 0 shares, that’s brutal) but power, tires, and all this other crap…Gotta keep trying. It’s for a noble cause. I am trying to put my life back together.

The quickest option is, of course, our paypal account. (How well does Spook have me trained that so often I refer to everything as ‘ours’, not just ‘mine’?)

A million sporks of gratitude to everyone who has helped, spread the word, given us kind words of encouragement, even helped keep the cats fed and littered when I couldn’t…YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AND WE LOVE YOU ALL.

Now this wicked woman is going to take a rest and shut off my brain for a bit while Spook is at her grandpa’s. I earned a zone out after all I have accomplished this week, and especially today.

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The Final Meltdown

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , on April 17, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

*Sorry, aiming for a lil 80’s hair band/Earope/Final Countdown there.
.
So here is my meltdown from last night. If I look glassy eyed and out of it, it is because I took my evening doses of Atarax, Benadryl, Buspar, and Xanax and was kinda loopy.’

It’s a 19 minute clip of me being repetitve and neurotic and possibly panic-whiny. Be kind.

Off to mow the lawn, allegedly my brother is going to help. My dad is such a control freak showing up at my door at 7:55 a.m. and insisting I must MOW RIGHT NOW. Sometimes it’s easier to just do whatever to make them piss off. And the lawn looks pretty gross. Just hope I can get it done before it rains and hope my brother will just mow instead of caterwalling and lollygagging,I have a 9 year old to raise, I don’t need a 23 year old man child I gotta supervise.

A Brief word on how I further fucked up my life tonight…

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , on April 17, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I am uploading a video to youtube about today but it is so slow going…Might post by noon tomorrow but 3G is what I have so snail-net is my only option.

I have burning the candle at all ends. My interview yesterday went well but due to state law, the lady told me I likely would not get hired and that is not in her hands. Hey, I managed to clean myself up and show, with printed resume and proof of ID per their request so I am making an effort…

Tonight, I made an epic fail that will likely be biting me on the ass for 10 years.

It was 6:30 at night so I thought I was safe from formal calls. My kid was supposed to be wrangling the kittens, but then she came in here and a couple of furbabies disappeared under furniture…then I got a call and it was a number that wasn’t local and I didn’t recognize it and by then, I’d taken 8 spam calls today alone and…I was just combative and said, leave a message after the BEEP and hung up. The same number called back and asked if they had the right number because they were an employer…

And I would have double face palmed if I hadn’t been busy wrangling kittens cos Spook got too wrapped up in TV, then any time the phone rings, she has to be right in my face asking who is it, what do they want, tell them I say hi…

I crumbled. I’m not proud of it but then again, I have never once said I was no longer disabled.

No, lack of money and the donor not paying support and being forced to move to this hellscape, that is why my 9 year run of being able to keep things going has become a no go.I hav nothing against working and earning my keep. But with mental illness saying you’re all cured is like trying to do a job in a walk up building while in a cast and on crutches. You need to make a live, you are willing to try, but you’re just not 100%. Difference being, no one cuts an inch of slack for the mentally disabled.

So…We’re still raising money, we only need a little under $100 for the power to stay on (then I gotta raise another $200 by May3) and I want with every fiber of my being to fire my ass trash woman hating lawyer and get one who is competent which takes money and of course, we need to get our cats fixed and treated for flea and…We’re not doing this to buy luxury items or bilk anyone. e just need help. IF this state and the law did their job and made delinquent parents be held accountable, we wouldn’t be in this position. I am thinking about starting a change.org petition on that whole matter cos it doesn’t matter if you’re a single mom or dad, employed or disabled…No way the deadbeat parent should retain visitation rights yet not contribute to their child’s upbrining in any way. That needs to change.

So…paypal gets the donated money to us faster.

The formal fundraiser takes a few days but it is here.

The video is 39% uploaded over two hours so, yeah, it may post tomorrow. I will let you know but it’s 20 minutes of me all but crying and trying to do myself in by eating shards of glass, so feel free to skip when it does post. IF it does. My 3G phone data will get to 90% or so then say oopsie, upload failed, try again later….Which again makes me want to chomp on glass shards then spit them out like nails from a nail gun….

I need to go kick myself mentally some more for screwing up that employer call earlier. I had to be at my breaking point because I…that isn’t really me. I was even nice to the Jehovah’s Witness lady today who visited yet again….I snapped. And in a small rural area with limited employment…that is gonna be biting me on the butt for years to come.

I didn’t overestimate or underestimate myself. I was quite honest in saying I am not cured, I am not even doing that well, but to take care of my baby girl…I am willing to push myself to the brink and beyond.

Today I just went…over the edge. It happens, and I am truly sorry.

Brain reboot time.

Share, Give, Show Some Love…Friday Feelings

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression, Friday Thoughts with tags , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

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JUST IN CASE SOMEONE HAS A HEART…
I set it up so Spook and I can receive direct donations from paypal without a fundraiser page. $5, a social media share, anything helps and we care grateful. In a way it’s even more helpful because of time constraints involved in fundraiser fund transfer. Any money we get can be moved to my debit card and then I can get a money order to pay for stuff. And yes, I am willing to send receipts because I’m just trying to be a good mom and keep my kid warm and sheltered.

paypal.me/MorgueAndSpook
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Below you will find my unexpected expense of $102 to buy a sticker for my car.

$71 and change for water bill by the 20th to avoid the $18 late fee.

A second $40-plus dollar payment on car insurance to stay road legal.

I am also offering proof of how hard I have been looking for work, as well as the disconnect notice for our power and heat. If you wish not to donate directly, I am fine with anyone wanting to make a direct payment to the utility companies. I am being transparent as I can be without being accused of public nudity.

——————–

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And please, please, please, read further before you go to the pat answer of ‘you must not budget well.’ Someone else’s actions put us in this position and I am trying to take responsibility and rise above it all and do my best.

Budgeting is not a foreign concept to me.
I get $832 a month.
Rent is $400.
Heat and power, during summer, around $200
Car insurance $50
water bill $70
$25 phone time and data (and I use it as rarely as possible to bank time and data up)
Then I have to get gas in the car since we have an 18 mile trip to town every time we go, buy food, pet supplies, household stuff like toilet paper and laundry soap and this month I had to put a $100 renewal sticker on my car.

When a non custodial parent abruptly decides to quit/get fired from jobs and stops paying for months and does it repeatedly…his actions alone put us $4000 behind. And that is something you can’t predict and the law does not force these parents to inform the custodial parent when they lose income and can’t pay so…often we are surprised when we check our bank balance and suddenly the money we counted on isn’t there.

And on a final note, while I am on my indignant soap box probably offending more people than I have already this week…

I have put in over 60 job applications this week.
I got one precorded virtual interview and another in person one on Monday but an old blip on my history could make that a non event.
I am trying and I can’t force anyone to hire me.

Parents really gotta stop programming kids to ‘just do your best’ because when you become an adult you quickly learn your best doesn’t pay the bills, earn you respect, or impress potential employers.

I have a car, we have food, we are clothed…I ask for nothing but what we do not have and live in such a small rural area we have no access to programs to help.

Please think about giving. Simply clicking the share button and passing it on can make a huge difference for me and Spook.

I’d also appreciate it, even if you don’t like me, if some kind soul would send my daughter an Easter basket with a couple of cheapo toys and some candy. It breaks my heart to not even have $4 to buy plastic eggs and candy so we can maintain our traditional morning egg hunt. Please help her.

And if you read all of this, spork of fortitude for you.

Any further questions my email is manicmurderdoll@gmail.com.

Merci.

Motionless In Fright

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

From the Motionless In White song “Voices”….

Voices, In my head again
Baiting me in a war I can’t win
I can hear them now
Trapped in a game inside my own skin
I don’t know myself anymore
They’re pulling me under
Voices, Voices

I had a ‘rip off the bandage’ mental state yesterday. Almost kind of a mania after being frozen motionless by panic and sheer terror. Then I was multitasking like a mofo, six open tabs, applying for jobs, on the phone with the insurance company about getting my kid a new primary care doctor…I took my ‘video’ interview for one position I applied for but I was so nervous I kept saying um to every automated question so I likely looked like a twitchy flake. Later in the day, I received a call setting up an interview Monday for part time in home care for the elderly but once my fingerprints are run, that’s out the window. The state laws allow my sister with multiple felonies to work in the field, but I have ONE misdemeanor and every damn time, it disqualifies me. (And get this, my fingerprints taken when I worked daycare AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH, there are more stringent rules regarding elderly care. wth?) BUT I AM TRYING, PEOPLE.

That is just one morning’s net working efforts, mind you. I am listed with four of the top job sites with resume on file and I apply on external websites, as well, and paper applications for the rare places that still accept them.

I got groceries yesterday, doing battle with panic rising in traffic, as if things are moving so fast that my brain cannot process it quickly enough to make the right choice whether to accelerate or stop… Then my kid came home and we had a two hour battle over her not wanting to wear a green shirt that previously she hadn’t minded. This time it enraged her to little hulk and I recorded the audio because I am tired of people thinking it has to be my fault. I did not raise my voice, did not strike her, did nothing but speak calmly but firmly and try to defuse things. By bedtime, she’d settled down but by then I’d caved on the shirt thing. I was never going to ‘punish’ her by making her wear it, I just wanted her to come to me and say, “Can we donate this, it doesn’t really fit me/not my style.” I want her to realize that the things we take for granted, even hand me down clothes, may benefit someone else so you can’t just throw everything not your style in the garbage….

Bedtime came and…I just couldn’t get my brain to slow down. When I did sleep finally, it was with at least half a dozen times of waking up. Happy is being able to go back to sleep. Unhappy is seeing you’ve hit the snooze button for the fifth time and now you HAVe to face the day. I am aching and my allergies have turned me into miss leaky snout, it is gray and damp and 20 degrees colder today than yesterday. I’m exhausted. I pushed myself on every front yesterday, facing down the panic, tuning out the voices in my head that make me feel full of shame and self loathing…

And I got this first thing this morning.

It will probably be another day before I get the paper disconnect which means I won’t be able to get into the assistance place til then, and they make you set up appointments which may come after the cut off date and are usually out of funds so…Yeah, we’re screwed.

And still Sunday I have to take my daughter to see her ‘dad’ who is living off a live in girlfriend completely and can’t even be bothered to go to the library to read the email she sent him and send a brief reply. He gets no responsibility, I get it all, and even his bad behavior still entitles him to his parental rights. The system is beyond broken.

This is what I looked like for my ‘virtual’ interview yesterday. Not spiffy but not haggish.

Today I look like something the cat horked up and my hair needs washed again and I am just…wiped out.

I know everyone is strapped for money or wary of internet people but I am providing you with all documentation proving everything I am saying is true. I have ONE FAVOR to ask of someone with a heart. Would anyone be able to send my daughter a ten dollar gift card for Dollar Tree for Easter? I am still digging change out of the car seat and gathering pennies to take to coin star in hopes I can get my water bill paid by the 19th and avoid the $18 late fee…Just a ten dollar gift card is all she asked for, really. I mean, she’s a kid so the mind changes by the minute and the “I want” monster spins up funnel clouds like the tasmanian devil in cartoons but…this one thing she wants is something I can’t give her. If you can’t or won’t help me…consider doing something nice for a 9 year old girl who really just wanted to go eat Kentucky Fried Chicken legs for Easter and spend a ten dollar gift card at Dollar Tree.

I am making every effort. So much so I am running all the fuel out of my car and my brain is boiling in my skull from being so overwhelmed.

But no one can say I am not trying with everything I have in spite of all that is working against me. I didn’t just give up and assume the fetal position. I am making every effort.

For the next hour or two, though, I am going back under Fort Blankie and I am going to focus on breathing exercises in an effort to clear my mind and calm myself. Before the voices pull me under and leave me motionless in fright.

Jitterybug

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , on April 10, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I got roped into taking my brother to work at 1:30 today. Now I am panicked and filled with dread and I’m not even sure why. Why does my sanity swing low on days I need to be semi-functional? Is my brain sabotaging me? Maybe it’s because the car’s front tires are dry rotted and I am terrified they are gonna blow every time I make a trip to town. Maybe it’s because I was just in town yesterday. Perhaps it’s due to the upcoming meet with my kid and her donor. I hate feeling this jittery, it is unsettling one so many ways.

I am also concerned about the power bill. If the local agency can’t help…we will have no access to heat or electricity so no cooking, no hot water to bathe in or power to run the washer and dryer…If I’d been able to raise $190 by the 3rd of this month, I could have gotten a deferment (again) but since that didn’t happen, now I am on the hook for the full amount cos my old deferments were canceled out for partial payment. I TRIED meeting the minimum. I honestly thought my dad would help me buy the sticker for my car and with insurance and tires so I could get out from under the power bill. He helped last year and we had slightly more income then. He and stepmonster just got back big tax refunds so…

I should not have banked on their help, my bad. Just like not banking on child support. Which is one more reason I am still furious with the former landlord for selling the place out from under us. I could manage there since trash and water were included in the rent. Here, just having water and sewer service runs $65 a month, not one penny less. If you go over your allotted two thousand gallons for the month, it jacks it up like $3 for every gallon over. And in town I could put $20 in gas in the car and run the entire month. Now it’s twice that and that’s if I stay home 80% of the time and only go out of Armpit when necessary.

I suppose I have plenty to be jittery about. A quick trip to town should not be such a big deal. It wasn’t til they cut my Xanax. Now I am so overwhelmed and panicked each trip feels like punishment. Last year, every chance to get out of this town was a welcome respite. I am at the end of my rope, it is fraying, and I keep frantically tying those frayed strands into knots and holding on for dear life…

I’m just scared of failing Spook. And a mom who can’t keep the heat and power turned on surely is failing the child.

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Still an hour to go before I need to take my brother into town. Anxiety continues to mount. It manifests as a stomach ache and itchiness of my skin. I get this way with anything looming ahead of me that I can’t just ‘get over with’ ASAP. Jobs, errands, school events, social events. There is little that does not heighten my anxiety and set off panic attacks. I try to combat it with breathing exercises and the mantras learned in therapy.
Scumbag brain is non-responsive and continues to stampede and riot. I’m so rattled I forgot what it was I even needed in town that I forgot yesterday. Guess it’s not crucial or I’d remember it. That isn’t always the case, though. Depressive clouds can obscure even very important things you need to remember. Anxiety on top of that leading to sheer panic means attention to detail and memory are hindered.
And while I know I don’t have any other options than to find work…every time I fill out an application or speak to someone and tell them my disability won’t impact my ability to function in job capacity…I feel like a big lying fraud. And I really resent being placed in the position of having to become a fraud when what would do me more good than all else would be a few weeks with the bills paid to lower my stress, thus enabling me to get rejuvenating rest, and ease me into therapy and finding a new med combo because Lexapro ain’t helping at all. I’m not stable, I am not feeling well. And above all else people value honesty and yet I am forced to fake it for survival and should I have a breakdown…I will be exposed as a lying fraud who is still very much disabled and borderline mid nervous breakdown.
To value honesty so much allegedly, society really doesn’t want you to be honest if it isn’t what they want to hear and it makes you seem unstable. Fake it til you make it, like a narcissistic sociopath is not a good message and yet…it’s coming in loud and clear. Which was why I wanted work from home type employment. In my safe space, I am ten times more functional and able to cope than if I am out there out of my safe space being placed under pressure, scrutiny, and exposure to people which is one of my biggest panic triggers.
Trying my best, though. Even if it isn’t lifting my self esteem and is actually making me feel like a big phony thus the self loathing metastasizes.
———————
Anxious Distortions…

I swear I keep hearing the text alert song on my phone. I check the screen, nothing. Yet my brain keeps making me think I am hearing it. It’s not like when a song gets stuck in your mind in a loop. This is like, literally hearing it out loud. Lots of ambient noice from lawmowers and weed whackers to strong winds, meowing kittens, windows rattling in the frames….And it still doesn’t drown out what I hear in my head and believe to be real.
It is freaking me out. I’ve never ‘heard voices’ as in non existent voices. So his audiological distortion is quite unsettling.
20 minutes til I pick my brother up, then 40 minutes to get into and get right back to safe space.
Stepmonster called me earlier to remind me about giving him a ride and commented on how tired I sound. Well, you live with bated breath 24-7, get little quality rest, and deal with your brain sending you constant wrong information and wrong signals. It is exhausting, I am tired, and what is worse is…I don’t have the option to just drop out for a day or two. Applications to fill out, resume to be submitted over and over.
I am so sick of typing my own name I could barf. My inner bitch wants to write Mickey Mouse in the name section just to break the monotany. No, I don’t need anyone to tell me not to do it because it’s silly and sarcastic. It’s just one of those odd brain quirks that at least give me a smirk.
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Survived the harrowing trip to town. Gut is in a pretzel. Very uncomfortable. That and I am cold but sweaty, that is pure nerves. Today my tone deaf brother kept seranading me with Weird Al songs. Irksome but at least we have something in common to talk about. When he starts in on his misogynist rants about women being too fat or not pretty or large chested enough…That is when I really go all feminist, as well as civilized human being, and remind him he ain’t no prize to look at and treating women like maids and sex slaves is disrespectful. My dad has taught him not to care about treating women with respect, though.
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And if you miss it earlier…I offer up proof that I am trying to find work, my power is about to be disconnected, and all I am asking for is some kindness and generosity. 20 people donating $5 each is a wonderful start. I just can’t see setting up a fundraiser with so little interest, even if you can only share it.

https://morgueticiasmentalhealthmausoleum.wordpress.com/2019/04/11/motionless-in-fright/

I Really Need A Win

Posted in anxiety disorders, depression with tags , , , , , , on April 10, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

Today has been garbage. My brain is fried from submitting resumes and filling out endless applications and sitting through ‘click on the picture that represents you the most’ (for a sub shop sandwich artist position) then fretting because I picked animals and writing and artsy stuff as opposed to mechanical or math stuff and…My brain hurts.

My father informed me, while berating me for not having a job yet, that I can’t get a job yet because my front car tires are dry rotted and could blow at any time so before I go pounding the car on the interstate I need to replace those. And they will sell me the old ones off their SUV cos they are worn and they’re getting new ones, they should be good for a couple thousand more miles.

BUT I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO REPLACE THE DAMN TIRES.To which my idget father cockily said, sucks to be you. Then, don’t ask to borrow one of our cars, you still us three hundred bucks for the windshield you broke using it to move last year…

I’ve already gotten ‘thanks but no thanks’ rejections from several places and I gotta say, not even being considered worthy of making donuts and coffee kinda stings.

I need a win.

This whole thing with the donor and lawyer has me up in arms. I have heard nothing back, so I guess the lawyer doesn’t check email nor does the donor, and somehow this will all bite me on the ass but…I don’t trust myself speaking to that lawyer on the phone again. I tried that last night and once again, the number is to the ranch/restaurant place his parents home and his hard of hearing mom answers then can’t hear a word you say so you gotta keep repeating yourself and getting louder, then she puts you on hold, then says he isn’t there, then can you call back, god forbid you ask to leave a message. How is this remotely professional for a lawyer to not have a dedicated number and address for his legal practice? One more reason it is just difficult to take him seriously.

Today I needed $76 to maintain status quo on water, car insurance, and a couple of cheapo Easter gifts for my kid. Now I have the added strain of knowing my tires are so shot that my next trip to town for any reason could lead to a blowout but I can’t get money for the tires without a car to drive….

Remind me again how I am not on lockdown, medicated to the gills, because I feel I am losing my shit.

I just need a win.

For those interested…
My income is $832 a month.
Rent is $400
Water is $71
Power, at its lowest is around $180
car insurace is $80 a month
gas is $40 to get to town and back
pet supplies are $40

—–
That brings us to $811, and I’ve not even included laundry soap, dish soap, toilet paper, cleaning items, medication, personal hygiene items, etc.

This month to cover the renewal sticker for my car I let the internet go and use my phone data as a hotspot and had to pay car insurance from last month because I tried using some of that to pay toward the heat bill. Which meant that I couldn’t even come up with 25% down for a payment agreement with the power company and my deferred amounts are now part of the total balance before disconnection. I’ve been robbing Peter to pay Paul, shorting Paul to pay Peter’s shyster cousin…I do what I can when I can get it-walking dogs, babysitting, errands, housecleaning.

But those opportunities did not come my way.

So until I get a win on the job front, this impossible math is what is looming over my head day in and out. It is adding to my overall anxiety and panic and feeding the depression. So when I say we need help, well…you do the math yourself. What can I cut out of that aside from maybe getting rid of my cats and that’s not feasible as they are therapy pets for me. My phone plan is a $15 prepaid deal that rolls over, otherwise I wouldn’t even be able to swing it.

I just need a win.

Trying to support a kid here, not redecorate a bedroom or attend an out of state bachelor party.

And no matter your faith/belief system…Prayers can’t hurt. I personally have been praying to pegacorns and spaghetti monsters and God. I’d pray to a box of macaroni and cheese if I thought it would do any good.

We just need a win.

I’m ready for bed. Consciousness continues to become more agonizing than anything. And that just feeds my feelings of depression and self worth because I have a healthy beautiful kid and the world will tell you that since you have a kid, you don’t have the luxury of being depressed or needing help, your kid needs you, grow up.

Depression is just one of those disorders they need to simulate so non sufferers can take a walk in our shoes even by virtual reality programming. Once you’ve been on this side, you quickly do a facepalm and want to kick your own ass for being so judgey and ignorant.

***Author Post Edit***

We did not get in this situation through any fault of our own. The landlord sold our old place out from under us and we were forced to move in a hurry. This was the only landlord who would take partial deposit and first month and let us move in. At the time I signed up for internet, we were getting over $300 a month in child support. In September he quit paying after losing another job and that was the start of the problems. I am disabled and have been out of work a long time. I do not have a glowing history due to my mental instability. But I have been trying to find work to replace the missing income.

He is now over $4000 in arrears. He has an apartment, electricity, a car, but is reporting no employment nor filing any taxes. For 7 months now. The legal system does not care.

I tried to do the best I could witb what I have. This was never a case of getting in over my head purposely then whining about it. Frankly, I’d love nothing more than to move back to town where we could get income based rent but the waiting list is over a year long so until then, and of course, up front money…If we hadn’t been forced to move from our former home of 9 years where I could swing all the bills on my income alone…we would not be here now.

We’re in hellish limbo.

And needing a win is not asking for too much.