Archive for the anti depressant side effects Category

Crickets

Posted in anti depressant side effects, depression with tags , , , , , , on September 11, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

I couldn’t think of a better title except for the incessant annoyance of a cricket somewhere inside chirping. Metaphor for my mental health issues. Can’t find the root, can’t make the noise stop, can’t seem to fix the problem so I just live with it and grow increasingly more irritated and pissed off. Crickets.

Yesterday was a testament to strength in the midst of a breakdown. Just traveling the extra 20 miles to fetch my kid from Armpit school and get her to town for her dr appointment was harrowing. Surrounded by nothing but corn fields and stretches of road, literally in the boondocks. Every sound the car made, every time it shifted too slowly or whatever, my heart began to pound and I became convinced the car was going to break down. On top of that it was scorching hot and I was melting in sweat. My kid didn’t have her pill in the morning so by the time I fetched her and gave it to her and we got to the doctor office…she was loud and busy…then the doctor saw her and she’d barely speak and pulled the shy hiding behind mommy bit. Makes me livid. They kept us waiting for almost a half hour and she went through so many topic changes (a ten year old discussing the illuminati,wtf?) and she colored pictures and she wreaked havoc on some sort of toddler toy with the colors and shapes and bars you slide them up and down. I was getting seriously irate by the noise. It was ADHD in its most primal form. And instead of the doctor getting to see what I have to deal with daily…my kid puts on her halo and instead acts like a social misfit too scared to speak up. Lovely.

After that, we had to go to the pharmacy because the doctor switched her to Focalin and the pharmacy didn’t have it so we gotta wait til tomorrow, or longer, if insurance puts up a fight even though it’s allegedly on their formulary. Then we had to get cat food and I had to feed her and we came home…And it was like I’d run a marathon. All that fear and panic and paranoia, all the while trying to maintain my calm and force the social smiles that say “I’m not a danger to my kid or child, I love being a parent and am awesome at it”…Exhausting. To come home to what has become my nightmare crypt of inertia with the hopes that ‘a good night’s sleep will help and I will kick ass tomorrow on all this housework.” Not happening today.

I finally filled out our renewal for food and medical assistance on line. About 11 days late but within the window. Waiting to find out how much getting child support fucks our situation as opposed to helping it. Because like it or not, if the cash you have coming in has to go for food from losing food stamps, you’re not getting ahead, you’re just getting dragged further down. The system is just lacking in logic. I wish I had the answers. Um, reward people for effort, maybe, instead of punishing them. Truthfully I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of it. I want a job that has benefits that can keep us comfortable, nothing more, nothing less.

Unfortunately, I am pretty useless right now even to myself. Yesterday was the first bat I’d had since last Thursday and I only did it because my hair was gross. Feeding myself is stressful. Choosing clothing is tear inducing. The ONLY thing the Zoloft even at increased dose has done is help me sleep a little more consistently at night without multiple wakings. It has done nothing to ease the depression, anxiety, or energize me. I keep hoping, praying, waiting for ‘something’ to give and things to be different. And I am TRYING. I am washing a load of laundry right now to go hang out on the clothesline.

Which brings me to another issue I am debililtated by these days. Going outside. Hell, even out of my bedroom makes me feel unsafe and shaky. Going outdoors where people can see me…It feels wrong. I can’t explain it, but it’s like the old agoraphobia is coming back and I do not want to go back to that shit. I have to be semi functional for my kid, ffs. What kind of psych professional hears the med isn’t doing a thing for your depression and says, oh stay on it, it’s a low dose, we’ll just double it. I think a month even at a low dose should have given me some relief. Instead it has made me regress. And I can’t talk to this woman, she twists whatever I say because her agenda is monotherapy, period. I wonder how much of my year has been wrecked because of her unwillingness to entertain a dual therapy.

God, I want to work. I just…I can’t even manage enjoyable things. I am in bed at 8:30 every night because it’s my only true safe space, in bed, in the dark. This is not normal thinking. And I told the nurse and she just does not hear…

So here I am in my hamster wheel with my crickets, waiting for the seasonal depression to swoop in soon and make it all the worse and I don’t have any fucking answers. I am seriously starting to think I took the wrong path along the way. I should have just said fuck therapists and shrinks and become a functional alcoholic and pothead. I don’t see how it could have possibly made my life turn out worse than my current mental space.And addiction is considered a disease so there is less stigma and more empathy.

Trying to do the right thing…sucks.

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Abilify Bugs

Posted in anti depressant side effects, anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , , on June 5, 2019 by morgueticiaatoms

My Wellbutrin dose was halved, but my Abilify dose increased by 5 mg. I was wondering why I’ve felt like bugs are crawling on my skin and scalp and why I can’t sit still and am constantly restless and rocking or fidgeting. These newer antipsychotics that are used as antidepressants have all had this impact on me. It went away at 10 mg, but is severe now that I am at 15 mg. I will give it a week, and if it does not improve, then I will drop down to ten and call and tell the nurse. And I do mean tell, not ask. That woman is intent on screwing up my life with all the med changes before I can even get stabilized and I have every intention of advocating for myself. How much worse can it get?

A friend offered me a gas card if I can find a new shrink center. I’ve been calling the state capitol which is a hundred miles round trip but every time I find one that accepts my primary insurance, they don’t take secondary and want cash up front. If they take my secondary, they don’t take the primary and want cash up front. Then are the ones who interview me like I am applying for a job only to call back and say, no, we won’t be taking you on as a patient. Could this process be more frustrating?

I am about to go the other geographical location but this city is nearly 200 miles round trip. They do however have an expanded psych care program affiliated with one of the hospitals, though I haven’t checked to see if they do outpatient med checks or just in hospital care these days. It was 7 years ago last I dealt with any of them and that was because they were contracted to be telepsychiatrists at my center. Since the center is aiming for doctors from the capitol, I can only assume they have cut ties with the hospital that is further away. But that will be tomorrow’s project, I am tapped out from rejection from every direction.

And the sensation of bugs crawling all over me is driving me mad. I keep rocking myself, bouncing my knee, unable to focus. Maddening side effects. Like I said, one week at this dose and if it doesn’t alleviate, I am going back to the original dose. Has anyone else ever had the ‘buggy’ sensation from these atypicals? I try to explain it to the professionals and they seriously look at me like I have sprouted two heads and started talking in tongues. I am NOT making this shit up. I think back to yesterday when my kid saw the counselor and man, I was pointing out how she couldn’t sit still or stop moving her hands, and there I was, shifting in my chair ten times a minute, digging mints from my purse, folding and unfolding my hands, and being an all around spazz.

This was one of the biggest problems I faced with working while trying new medications. They don’t give you any slack because your medication makes your tongue dart in and out of your mouth like a frog catching flies and you don’t even realize you are doing it. They don’t cut slack because you’re itchy, or sweaty, or for whatever reason, you suddenly need to pee ten times a day whereas before the medication, you did not. And before I started putting my foot down and refusing the coma meds, I’d often have to take a week of unpaid medical because I couldn’t stay awake for my shift and had a hard time waking up just to show up.

But these doctors and nurses will never admit these meds have such hobbling side effects. That would fly in the face of what their books taught them and what they learned from a hundred other patients. We are individuals. Treat us as such.

Poison Pill

Posted in anti depressant side effects with tags , , , on December 18, 2017 by morgueticiaatoms

I waited until after supper, when I had food on my tummy, to take my meds. Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Trintellix, as always.

Within 15 minutes I was hit with waves of nausea, to the point I was gagging just trying to read my kid a bedtime story.

I turned stuff off and took to my bed, determined to ride it out, determined not to throw up. Meds can’t help if you hurl them up, right?

I toughed it out forty minutes. I almost thought it was going to pass. But then the gag reflex took over and I was worshipping the porcelein throne. Over and over, I threw up, until finally…it stopped. And oddly, I felt soooo much better.

Down side, I’d also taken my bedtime Xanax shortly after the others so that was thrown up, as well, and that’s a waste of good panic stoppers and sleepy bringers. Grrr.

I have NOT been drinking, swear on the lives of my kid, cats, and every Halloween decoration I own.

No drugs, aside from generic Tylenol for cramps this morning around 9.

I ran some errands, swept, vacuumed, washed dishes, cared for my child. I braved a packed traffic accident-waiting-to-happen Aldi.

I did EVERYTHING right.

Yet once Trintellix went down the gullet…I went projectile. Thankfully my bathroom is near my bedroom.

Now, hour later, I feel way better, but I also feel like, well, damn it, now the nurse doc can say I’m not taking my meds. I take them, not my fault they don’t stay down. Lithium and Trintellix are the biggest nausea inducers I have ever been on, and while the neasea and such may dissipate for others over time…for me, it’s a daily lottery as to whether it will make my stomach hurt or make me nauseous or cause me to throw up.

I am so sick of it.

Not to mention, the way I have been snapping at my kid and the cats, for several weeks now, I can’t help but wonder if this is another case of Lexapro or Paxil where the drug itself increases my anxiety and causes a sort of irritable manic state.

But who do I try to talk to about it? It was obvious doc nurse didn’t believe much of what I said and she had little concern other than giving me some weak ass anti histamine for sleep. Which works not even as well as Benadryl does for making me sleepy.

I am not a lonely person. Never a truer statement than when I say, “I prefer being alone, I have loner interests, I seek company when I feel I need it.”

But when it comes to my current psych regime and meds…I’ve never feltĀ  more alone or helpless. And yes, I may sound like a broken record. The way I harp on things and take weeks or years to hash out a way to solve the problem-that’s a character flaw I can’t seem to counter no matter my efforts.

I just don’t think I am so wrong to want to be on medication that doesn’t result in feeling sick-or throwing up-45% of the time.

I’d send this to Dr. B if I thought he’d ever actually see it. Everyone knows the staff goes through the mail before the doctor does. That could be good or bad, but in my current mental state..I want to be face to face with Dr. B. I want him to see me, I want to look him in the eye, and I want him to see that screwed up as I am…the one thing I have in spades is sincerity and it’s not faked an iota.

And maybe rather than worry that changing my meds might make me more unstable thus harming his credibility…Maybe he will determine that I deserve better than the poison pill.