Frozen Tundra

The highest temp reached today in the midwestern 9th circle of hell: 8 degrees. It is now down to 5 degrees at 6 p.m. and we’re supposed to drop to negatives during the night. OH JOY! Nothing cures seasonal depression like basically being on lockdown in your own home, too afraid of immediate frostbite to even step outside for the mail. Note the sarcasm.

Things are covered in snow and one of my bare branch ugly trees actually looks very pretty. I was going to take a picture but my camera is shit so my motivation went buh bye. Just one more snow covered tree, nothing special. Though it is a little weird for me to see such a mundane thing and think, oh, that looks kinda pretty.

They canceled school today. Of course, they waited until 5:59 a.m. to let us know. So I did not sleep well, I was up off and all night, checking outside to see how much snow had gathered, pacing, wondering. And after the call, I went back to sleep and…my dad called at 6:15 asking if they canceled school. YOU DON’T HAVE A KID IN SCHOOL, WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME AT THIS UNGODLOY HOUR TO ASK???? I didn’t blow up but I wasn’t amused. Once wakened, I tend to stay awake and I just wanted 2 solid hours of fucking sleep. But no, dad wanted to ramble for 45 minutes and for once, my phone didn’t go dead, unfortunately so I could escape.

Then Spook was up, and she was disappointed they canceled school because Thursday is band day and she is already in a pouting angry panic tonight that they might cancel tomorrow and not have their V’tine’s party. To be honest, whether they cancel or not, it’s up to me if I feel comfortable sending her out into negative temps for a 10 mile bus ride through some of the twisiest backroads that could become ice slicks. Maybe they will cancel it and I won’t have to choose her safety over her being forever pissed at me.

She’s become a stranger to me, to be honest. Early pubert has hit like a sledgehammer and suddenly she doesn’t want to be around me. She stays in her room. Even her appetite has lightened up. I knew this was coming but at 10? I shouldn’t be shocked, though, because I was 10 when it happened to me. It feels so weird. My kid doesn’t hate me but she no longer wants to hang out or hug me or chat or anything? I’ve devoted ten years of my life to her and now…I have no one.

Yeah, that’s my inner drama llama. I have my kid for 8 more years whether she likes it or not. I have my cats. I have my writing. I have on line friends and blogs to read. I have TV shows I like, music I love. But so much of my identity has been putting my own life on the backburner to focus on her and now…God forbid I should have to do something idiotic like trying to date. In a world where no one dates anymore, they just hook up and text. What a pitiful way for humans to interact and call it any sort of relationship. Rather have a one night stand or a dozen than carry on in this hook up culture. But hey, since legally I can’t leave her alone for any extended period of time and getting her to go anywhere is a chore, I can probably milk this ‘my kid is my life’ gig til she is 13 or so. It’s just that she is my life, the focus point around which all else turns.

Guess me entering menopause as she is going through puberty is gonna make things an interesting death match of wills. We shall grow as we go through hell together.

I’d rather eat this rancid meat Gordon Ramsay just found in a restaurant kitchen than deal with a teenager.

(Remind me to never ever take a UV light with myself to use a public bathroom, omg, that was disgusting, at least on CSI it’s fake, that was all real.)

I haven’t eaten but half a piece of celery in two days because I can’t muster up the will to cook for myself. Not even a cold sandwich. I am surviving on sweet iced tea and I guess the glob of peanut butter on the celery is serving as my fuel.

Every. Fucking. Winter. I go down the tubes, good intentions be damned.

I can do this. Maybe the place remains biohazard a little longer but as long as I am keeping her fed and bathed with clean clothes…I’ve got just a little over 5 weeks til spring. If I can just make it to the thaw…

I am not a mean spirited person, honestly, just very darkly sarcastic. But I do wish there was a simulator neurotypicals could get in and occupy the mind space that someone bipolar, depressive, anxious, schizophrenic, borderline, et al, occupies.

We can simulate going to space, flying a plane, mass enemy killing…but we can’t let others walk in the shoes of those who battle mental health disorders and the daily barrage of belittling.

“Oh, you can do this, you just have to try harder. You have to want it enough.”

Anyone who thinks I don’t want 8 hours of decent sleep enough needs fucking slapped with a dead fish.

I want to feel better, do better, but right now…my small goals thing is what I have to offer. My bills are paid. My kid is clean, fed, healthy, and getting educated. My cats are fed and cared for. I’m…kind of a mess. I went back to sleep around 8:30 this morning after it took that long for my 6 a.m. melatonin to kick in…then my dad stopped by and woke me at 9. Then I nodded off again without meaning to. Then he woke me with a call. Then I nodded back off. Oh my god, I feel like a demented jack in the box! I want six solid hours of fucking sleep so my brain and body can recharge.

But when your mind fights against even sleep aids then just conks out on you randomly whether you intend to or not…

This is not a lifestyle choice anyone would make.

This is depression and this fucking sucks.

10 Responses to “Frozen Tundra”

  1. I totally agree not a lifestyle choice at all. People without mental health issues don’t get it. I do like your positives though.

  2. I love that “just get on with it”. Like you said, do people really think that we don’t want a full night of sleep? Do they think we want anxiety and depression or any other mental illness to take over us?

    I know I had to battle to smile at my sons when I picked them up from school and listened to them chattering away in the back of the car (driving me nuts – not their fault) and helping them with homework.

    Jeez, it’s not easy to “get on with it.” It felt like I was walking through thick black treacle, and just that is tiring!

    Let alone having to keep smiling while desperately waiting for their bedtime just so I didn’t have to listen or talk to them. How awful is that? Do people really think we enjoy this?

    Mental illness sucks.

    • I just got my daughter to bed and it is like, I can breathe and my ears are not ringing from her incessant chatter. It is not her fault and I feel shitty that it takes her bedtime for my nerves to calm down. No one chooses this shit. I am just glad life well trained me for fake smiling for long periods of time. I never want her to think my depression has anything to do with her. Hell,even I cannot pinpoint what causes it,how can it be anyone’s fault? It is a frickin’ disorder,not a lifestyle choice or personality trait. Just gotta keep reminding ourselves we are raising kids amidst this mental chaos and it is hard but we are rocking it.

      On Thu, Feb 13, 2020, 8:53 PM Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • I know. And some people would say “well, you’re still working, it can’t be that bad.” Well, hey, I’m a single mum working part-time to keep my kids. Their dad (unfortunately) didn’t care to give us some money.

        I had to keep going and anyway, my job was so boring, I could do it with my eyes closed so work wasn’t the problem. Depression, anxiety and psychosis was the damn problem! lol

      • I manage everything but working. I think that’s because I suffered brain damage to the degree that I can’t do what I was qualified to do anymore. Getting disability for mental health issues here is no small feat so my impairment must be pretty obvious.
        If only employers didn’t have these high standards of wanting stability and hygiene and a pleasant personality year round…I can’t do that stuff more than a few days at a time.
        But I haven’t stopped trying or given up. Just get tired of failing at even volunteer work. I mean, that’s pretty harsh on the self esteem.
        Soo over mental health bullshit. I want my so called happy pill that just fixes me. They really burst my bubble calling them happy pills, the bastards.

      • Listen, if they work, they can call them what they like πŸ˜‰ Yeah, that’s tough too not being able to do voluntary work — I’d love to but I can’t be reliable, I don’t know which days I’m going to be sick — unfortunately πŸ˜‰

      • That whole thing where we don’t know what days we will be reliable is the bane of my existence! With physical stuff, you can sometimes get a feel of when your body just isn’t up to certain things (though surprises abound there, as well.) But with the mental stuff, I have NO clue where I am gonna be on any given day. I remember being manic at a funeral then in tears on my wedding day and they weren’t of joy. I just don’t know, so how can I tell people, sure you can rely on me! It’s bloody frustrating.

        On Fri, Feb 14, 2020 at 12:26 PM Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


  3. Kids are going to move through various cycles of mood and thought…its not easy bit stay in check with your little one, try and find a balance between space while also dropping in once in a while. It’s a phase for them. And keep out the snow. We survived it in UK this year, not getting any.

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