I Don’t Like Myself Today

That title is just one of those things that make go ummm…. But it is how I am feeling and I have no idea why. It’s not like I took a Z-Whacker to a baby seal or robbed a bank or did anything that would spark self loathing. I just feel it. It started about 45 minutes into watching stand up comedy on youtube in an effort to bolster my sagging spirits. By 45 minutes, I was no longer even smirking at any of the comedians and I just felt like someone pricked the bubble around me and let out all the air. I can’t even find comedy funny, what is wrong with me? Now there is that itty itty rational part of my brain who says, hey, maybe your hormones dipped, or you haven’t eaten in 30 hours, you need food to get your blood sugar up. Or hey, novel idea, maybe those comedians just didn’t do it for you?

Ha ha ha. Depressive brain can kick rationality in its ass and skull and deny any plausibility.

I took my meds. I am drinking water. I ate. I still think I suck. Hell, I even snuggled a kitten and am pretty sure I still can’t fucking stand myself.

This is the part of depression people don’t really talk about. For every manic episode in which you showed no conscience for your actions, there will be depressions that you feel guilty and self hatred for no good reason. And when your mind gets bored hating you for no reason, it will dredge up the most heinous things you have ever done in your life as examples of why you’re a waste of space who doesn’t deserve to live.

Never mind you’re doing meds, therapy, changing bad habits and past behavior that contributed to your issues. NOPE. Self betterment is NO excuse to suddenly start liking yourself or feeling good about yourself. YOU STILL SUCK.

Part of me wonders if I didn’t set myself up for this mood crash by watching comedy. I tempted the fates and wanted to prove I am more than all my depressive writings and that I can be fun and funny and laugh and not be consumed by pessimism. But deep down maybe I knew it would end in self defeat thus giving me a real reason to feel like a loser other than ‘just because my brain says so’.

Self sabotage is pretty common in depression. But if that is what I did, I think I did it all wrong. I mean, if you’re wanting to feed your negative feelings and have a reason to feel sad and hopeless, wouldn’t you watch some rom-com or something so the happy ending results in your feel inept and a lost cause? Nope. I watch comedy and…end up depressed. WTF, brain?

All I can think about is bedtime. The forecast is for 6 straight days of gloom and that is so not gonna help lift my mood. Sleep is my only escape even if last night’s dream du jour involved a female street gang trying to murder me because one of their boyfriends said hi to me. (And if you think that’s not based on fact, the joke is on you, it happened. They didn’t try to kill me but they were hunting me down and my only crime was be polite and say hello to someone who said it first.) But bad dreams I can wake from.

This self hating darkness enveloped space is like 24-7 in lockdown where they leave you naked with no bedding and a drain in the floor as a bathroom and the walls and doors have been fitted so not a single drop of light can reach you. (I was watching a documentary on Alcatraz earlier, it stuck.) But I imagine this is a bit of what solitary confinement would feel like. Trapped with only your own thoughts without hope of a break or escape. Swatting all the self hating thoughts away like swarms of flies only for the self loathing to sneak in and sting you like a thousand sweat bees to remind you…you are a piece of shit.

I do not believe this, of course. I am cognizant enough to know this is a symptom of my depression.

But somnetimes what you know has zero to do with how you are feeling.

And today…I fucking hate myself and I have no fucking idea why.

I can take comfort knowing my daughter just came to me with her tablet and a word game, asking me to utilize my excellent spelling skills so she could win. And I nailed it, she got 20,000 points.

If only I could get a job that paid me for spelling well and knowing useless pop culture trivia.

Who am I kidding, I am loser no one will ever hire to even mop up at a peepshow booth.

REALLY hate the days I hate myself.

I am getting on my own nerves.

3 Responses to “I Don’t Like Myself Today”

  1. Hugs i can relate all to well. The suck is you just have to wait for it to change on its own. Ugh

    • Yep, it’s like waiting for a computer to reboot and the software to stop being glitchy. I am trying to reboot but it’s running a loop, just gotta hang on til it takes and things are less ‘bogged down’ and more ‘clean slate’.

      On Sat, Jan 25, 2020 at 5:47 PM Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  2. Saumya Agrawal Says:

    I hope you feel better soon

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