Nap And Nightmares

I unintentionally took two brief naps today. I woke from both bathed in sweat and fearful.

I’d like to say it was some slasher flick horror scene that I had dreamt.

Nope.

I dreamed about being younger and when my mental state caused everything to go to shit and I ended up living with either my mom or my dad’s crew.

Fact I woke bathed in sweat but not at all overheated has to tell you just how horrific these memory/nightmares are for me.

The shrinks want to pile on Prozasin or whatever to stave off the dreams.

Except what I am dreaming is what I have had to deal with my whole life. For me ending up in homeless shelter would be less traumatizing. Even in my dreams, my parents behave the same and there is always some twist to make it worse.

I also felt shitty napping while Spook was home on a snow day but I can honestly say based on the TV programming schedule, I was never out more than 45 minutes and I had already warned her that during my monthly curse, I sleep a LOT, but should she need me, wake me up. Guilt is still heavy.

I got five texts tonight from family and friends who totally forgot my birthday this week. I don’t want to hold a grudge but my hormones are in ‘let’s swing a metal mace and bat at their skulls’ space so I pretend it wasn’t hurtful.

I have been so preoccupied trying to see the brighter side of things it gives the impression that I a suffering from “depression lite”. Onn the contrary, most of my time is spent thinking the world would be better off without me and that I am so damn tired I just want to go sleep and stay there til..the masses stop being asses.

I am finding no joy yet grasping for anything to counter balance this blackened soul version that is being perceived.

But since when I am responsible for how others perceive my writing, my feelings, my life at this time?

Things suck from the inside of my blackened mind.

Whatever rays of sunshine seep in, my mind is convinced are lights from an oncoming train.

Depressing? Negative? A downer? Hells yeah.

But welcome to reality for some of us.

Maybe next week my hormonal dysphoria will abate. Maybe the weather will be less cold and gloomy. Maybe my mind state will improve and things won’t seem so pointless.

Today is just not that day.

Now it’s nearing 9 p.m., my kid has already crashed, and I am ready to retire to Fort Blankie myself.

I wish I dreamt of machete wielding hockey mask wearing monsters.

But alas, my horror stories are based on facts within my own family, a nightmare I can never wake from.

You gotta wonder…if her reality sucks so much yet her dreams are so traumatizing she’d prefer sleep and nightmares…This woman is not having a good mental health day.

One Response to “Nap And Nightmares”

  1. I totally understand these nightmares suck. I’m so sorry they’re based in reality too. I can relate to some extent. Hope you feel somewhat better soon.

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