Squirrelly Wrath

So, yeah, apparently today is squirrel appreciation day so what better way to pay homagen than with an adorable picture of my favorite cartoon squirrel.

I slept like shit, waking up every 90 minutes. I tried to go back to sleep after Spook was on the bus but that was a no go. Scumbag brain won’t shut the hell up, just keeps going round and round like a hamster on a squeaky wheel. After being fed Red Bull for a week straight. A tranquilizer dart for elephants couldn’t take my mind down. I’d much prefer if my brain must be so busy, it be busy at least doing productive shit. No such luck.

Still haven’t taken down the Christmas Tree. My daughter keeps bringing it up and I said, “It wouldn’t be white trash Christmas if I take it down before February, babe.” Trying to make light of my failure but honestly after the weekend’s single digit cold snap and ice and snow and sleep and rain, it has been pretty inclimate for packing stuff out to the shed. I am back to battling the ‘refill the ice cube trays’ territory. Hell, I didn’t even feed myself yesterday. Fed the kid and cats, made sure she got a bath, meanwhil I am on day 7 without one. In WANT so desperately to care and yet…I just don’t. Not in my current mental state. Seasonal depression, especially when accompanied by extreme weather, just saps out my will to live. I’ve been so depressed that I haven’t even started back watching all my fave TV shows. Which boggles my mind because when they went on hiatus, I was marking my calendar, litterally, for the return date and then at some point…I found Pluto TV and Sirius and it’s just too damned hard to focus on my favorites. It is almost like this subconcious need to shelter the things I love from my depressive state lest it too be tained with negativity.

But that’s how you know clinical depression from just feeling the blues for a couple of weeks. When your very life’s blood that you feel fuels you slips from your interest…that is clinical depression.

And I am honestly starting to worry about Spook’s behavior, too. Now maybe she has a touch of seasonal depression and come warmer weather she eill spring back to life. But the last month or so, she has stopped going to church, the day program at the church, she won’t go visit her grandpa, and now she does not want to sleep over at her grandma’s. She just goes in her room with the tablet and unless she wants fed or needs to blow up at me for something innocuous, shen stays in her room. And if I dare stand outide the door and ask if she is okay, she goes off on me some more, for ‘nagging’ her. There is no winning with this parenting gig. You do your best, they tell you it’s not good enough, you try harder, they roll their eyes at you and call you a downer…Lather, rinse, repeat. I hope it’s puberty hormones because it’s damned difficult to find a shrink who will give a depression diagnosis to anyone under 14. The thought that she could be feeling the same darkness I feel kills me, I just want to help her. And at her age, the best thing to help me was to leave me the hell alone. But I was a loner, always, and Spook was a social butterfly, least til we moved here. Don’t wanna hit any panic buttons and be histrionic helicopter mom but it does concern me.

I can’t seem to get warm today, I have chills, upset stomach, allergy sniffles. This weather is brutal. Weird thing is, it’s actually 5 degrees warmer than it’s been in 2 days and I dragged the heater out for my bedroom so I should be getting warmer, not feeling colder. I swear there is something wrong with my body’s internal thermostat. Freezing, sweating, never comfortable. Though since I turn 47 tomorrow I already know what the quacktor will say. Hormones, menopause is knocking at the door. Bloody hell, like I need more abrupt mood swings and anger and tears and feeling ill at ease in my own skin. Life just keeps giving and giving and I can’t even label it return to sender.

On one most excellent note, the boots I BOUGHT MYSELF for my birthday arrived today, 3 weeks ahead of the time table China gave. Ermagod, they are soooo beautiful and I look so badass in them. Worth every penny of $36. Buckles, straps, laces, and zippers with silver skulls…My dream boots, happy birthday to me. Friendly hint to women with larger feet ordering from Chinese vendors- order up a half or full size and if their cut off is 10.5, see if the same style is available in men’s shoes. I couldn’t risk their idea of my size 11 foot squishing into a 10.5 ladies, so I went with a 10.5 men’s and they fit beautifully. Ooh, I just love getting gifties. And honestly, it doesn’t matter if they’re pricey boots a $2 pair of earrings. Just occasionally getting something in the mail that isn’t bills or junk is wondermously happy making even if that makes me seem petty or pathetic. Hell, the biggest highlights in my life were when my name and address were published in Metal Edge magazine back in 1988 and again in 1995. Pen pals were amazing, getting the mail meant possibly hearing from a fellow music fan with whom I could discuss what Poison album was best and how grunge basically murdered heavy metal. Miss those days, that was a lot of fun. Now people are like, why would I use a pen and paper and buy a stamp when I can just email or text?

One day when the computers all go haywire, there are gonna be lazy ignorant people running around trying to remember how to read actual books and write with pen and paper. I shall laugh and point at them while utilizing my old school abilities which I kept sharp just for that judgment day of technology failure.

I am finally starting to warm up. Finally. Now to find the energy to do dishes, bathe myself, maybe take down the tree, and vacuum…But a 3 day weekend with my child, most of it spent in a post Trazadone haze, I may just need this to be do little day. Refill ice cube trays and maybe the bath thing. The rest can wait. We are only a month in to winter and I am already counting down days til spring. I want to wear tank tops again, I am sick of wearing ten extra pounds of clothes to feel warm indoors. I want yard sales, and maybe if the donor can keep a job, we could take $8 once a week and go into town to the swimming pool. I could totally do without mowing this enormous lawn with a push mower by myself, but meh, least then I can honestly tell the doctor I am exercising regularly. I just want any advantage I can get to escape this depression.

Now a couple of shout outs to these lovely ladies who could use some new readers or even a visit from old ones who thought she vanished when she went so long between posts. Yes, tribe, I am talking about the lovely Jess Melancholia, hop by her blog for a read and let her know we remember her or get to know her. The Bipolar Compass.

This is a new blogger I’ve started following and she writes about her bipolar struggles so please give her a look-see at BIPOLARMANIA.

On a more me-me-me-PAY ATTENTION TO ME note…

It would mean a lot if y’all would follow the link to my latest Ko-fi post. It’s not centered around my mental health struggles but for me, it was well written, coherent, and totally relevant in this day and age. You don’t have to sign up, you don’t have to follow or ‘buy me a cup of coffee’. I’d just like others to see that I am not all discombobulated bipolar rage and depressive misery. It’s worth the read, I am told, by a couple of friends and in the blogging world, that is high fucking praise. So, please..reading it costs you nothing but a few minutes of time but it could pay off by showing you another side to me-the writer in me who can do more than curse and rage against every tiny thing. I can, occasionally, have some deep, socially meaningful thoughts and write about them.

Redefining The Word Poor- a Ko-fi post by Morgueticiaatoms

Oh, and go feed a squirrel to show your appreciation. Or they will stab you in the eye with a hot french fry. Squirrelly wrath is a bitch, man. 🙂

3 Responses to “Squirrelly Wrath”

  1. Thanks for introducing me to new bloggers. On a side note i got a cpap and i sleep a lot more soundly. Just an idea.

  2. You’re the fucking best! I need to prioritize more the blogs I used to follow. Thanks Morgue for the shout-out!

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