Morgue Vs Mr. Sandman

70 minutes of sleep in the last 24 hours. I tried going back to sleep after the spawn went to school but it wasn’t happening. I think maybe being out of benadryl is making my melatonin regime ineffective. So I faced what was triggering the anxiety that was keeping me awake- a trip to town with four stops.

Thought that’d do the trick. Come home with my refills, take my meds, and lay down in the dim light and warm covers with purring kitties and…NOTHING. Nada. Not even a melatonin and a Xanax did a thing. I have always been the sort of person who, short of knock out drugs like Trazadone and Seroquel, is up for the day once awake. No matter how tired, for the most part, sans the hormonal PMDD issues, once I pry myself out of bed, I am out (upright, anyway) for the day.

Mr. Sandman and I are about to duke it out. If the melatonin does not kick in by 9 p.m. tonight I am gonna screw myself over in the morning by taking 100mg Trazadone in hopes of sleeping tonight. I hate doing it. Hate how hard it is to get up, how hard it is to stay awake, hate the hangovers and lethargy. But when 3 mg xanax, 45 buspar, and 15 mg melatonin won’t put me down for a couple of hours…it is time for drastic measures. I am already in that sleep deprived space where I am doing stupid stuff-like driving right by the doctor’s office and having to turn all the way around cos I was just like la la la lost in my sleep deprived brain. I am definitely getting more benadryl when I get my birthday money next week, seems the ‘cocktail’ only works when I mix the melatonin and the benadryl. But at least it doesn’t make me comatose or unable to get up in the morning and stay awake with my kid.

Insomnia actually isn’t funny but like most mental disorders, about the only way to cope in a way that doesn’t worsen your mental state is to use humor. Especially when the humor resonates, like this one about the racing thoughts I have at night and then they just…poof.

Obviously I am not an artist, but the gist is the same. I get these thoughts and ideas at night and then I forget them and I want to write it down but I don’t wanna ‘disrupt’ my ‘attempting sleep’ mode so I forget what I came up with…Aggravating AF.

Somehow, picturing my evil lil brain beside me, taunting me, makes it suck a little less. Just a little.

Otherwise, I don’t have much of a mood/anxiety state today. I am just tired and need rest desperately. But my kid isn’t even home yet so that is hours away. Though with my luck I will nod off about a half hour before she is due home, I won’t be out on the porch waiting for her, and she will flip out. Though half the time she gets miffed and says she isn’t a little kid anymore, I don’t have to be out there waiting for her.

She is making me bloody crazier. I did not know it was possible.

Frustrated as I am with her and the way she treats me and messes with my head…I realize that’s how others have felt about me my whole life even when it was my disorders, not my personality or true feelings of ill will. They abandoned me time after time, returning only when they deemed me ‘less of a downer’.

I don’t ever want to do that to my child. Even if every day with her sometimes feels like my emotions are going through a tree chipper and my low self esteems gets lower cos I can’t seem to do anything right by her and her puberty-esque mood swings.

Everyone has given up on me my whole.

I won’t give up on her.

But tonight, we are having an early bedtime and if she isn’t on board, then she can just toss and turn in her room with her TV, MP3 player, or nature sound machine.

I need rest and one way or another, I am gonna get it.

But at least I made the trip to town and accomplished what had to be done. That’s another one of those ‘victorious’ moments that mental health muggles can’t grasp.

You don’t have the ‘magical’ disorders so your judgment of me is bullshit.

Flippin’ normal ass mental health muggles.

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