Grateful And Hateful

Ia over the moon to say, thanks to a few very good friends who were generous and kind…I am now able to buy some stuff for my daughter’s Christmas. Needless to say, this has taken sooo much stress off of me. Mind you, I’ve never been the one to go broke buying her affection, I leave that to my mom and sister. But I was pretty crestfallen thinking all she’d have on Christmas morning was a bunch of junky dollar store items. My friends-you know who you are- really came through and we are so grateful. It is what I have professed for a long time: there’s the family you’re born with, and then there’s the family that you choose to surround yourself with. I’ve taken so much grief for having ‘on line’ friends who ‘aren’t real’ and yet…my on line friends, my true family and tribe, have been far more kind, supportive, encouraging, and generous than my blood relatives or IRL friends have ever been to me. And no, I am not calling my IRL folks monsters or anything, they’ve been there for us in certain ways over the years but it has always been my on line tribe who has brought me comfort when I have needed it, support when I was faltering, and encouragement when I was ready to throw in the towel. You guys will never know how much it all means to me- comments, likes, emails, texts, and yes, financial generosity during this rough patch….

It never ceases to amaze me how one random email or comment or text can elevate my mental state from blackness and despair to half a smile and the hope that maybe things aren’t so awful, after all.

I am grateful that my friend R, after being out of town for 3 weeks, kept his word and stopped by last night. We did our usual butting heads over politics but I just flat out told him my values are very liberal therefore democratic but I am still convinced all politicians from all parties are corrupt assholes. And he tried to drag it out and make me see ‘the light’, ie;, agree with his views, but I just laughed it off. The political farce in office these days from state to federal level is all jut a three ring fucking backstabbing circus and it is so not worth ruining a 25 year friendship. Besides which, we went through this 25 years ago over religon and I gave his church a chance, but church isn’t my thing and I think going just to appease others when you don’t actually believe well that is hypocrisy I don’t care to be guilty of. He eventually accepted that I am a godless heathen. One day he will move on from me being a demoncrat, too. Point being, he kept his word, we visited, it was nice.

Now…what I hateful about.

My internet was down for about 60 out of a 72 hour period. I finally broke and called tech support at 11 last night. Of course, I got a tech I couldn’t understand and oh, their phone service is so shitty, the line is staticky so that makes it worse. And this jackhole informs me that internet traffic is so heavy from other users being rerouted towards our lines here that it results in my service going down. WTF? I don’t pay to be told ‘sorry, people who don’t live in this town with premium high speed get served first, you’re screwed.’ Which without net neutrality is exactly what is coming our way. So much for ‘this is our highest speed package we offer, ma’am’. LIES!

I am pissed because our illustrious governor has apparently passed a law that all cats-even indoor ones- have to have rabies shots. What are you gonna do, go door to door and ask for our papers? Fucking communist motherfucker. I thought my brain would implode when the fucker raised the sticker renewal for our cars from $105 to $155. And mine is due in March when I am still stuck with high heating bills so what the fuck will I do then, you billionaire ass trash fucktard? I have always hated this state but now, I see why people are making a mass exodus to escape the communist rule. Not that there’s much hope anywhere else, this is the Divided States of what used to be America.

I am unamused that my dad keeps calling me and all they ever want to talk about is how my brother works and I don’t hold a job. Well, gee, my brother is 24 and has to be forced to bathe and shave, can’t manage money, can’t make his own healthcare decisions, can’t drive himself to work even though he has a license and vehicle…So, yea, him doing 15 hours a week sweeping burger world makes him a rousing success while I do nothing. Like you know, raising an ADHD mood swinging tantrum throwing child by myself. Trying to pull blood from stones moneywise because the ex can’t seem to hold a job more than 5 months. Taking care of an entire household, making sure it’s tidy, we have clean dishes and laundry, the cats are cared for. I make sure my bills get paid. I cook. I take my kid to her events and parties and camp. I STILL submit job applications on line but haven’t even had a nibble in 4 months. I juggle my own medication, then I juggle my kid’s medications. I write, I read, I do crafts on occasion. Mow my own lawn. Scoop my own drive when it snows. And I do not spend the other 21 hours of my day thumbing on a game controller and sleeping.

But yeah, I do nothing.

Then came the cracks about ‘if it’s too hard on your nerves, you need to get over it.”

I am barely keeping the train on the track right now. One more stressor and I might go over the edge. I didn’t ask for any of this mental illness bullshit, my junk DNA enhanced parentage stuck me with it. So sorry I have limitations and can admit them and have actal professionals with medical degrees and stuff to ensure that I am legitimately disabled by these conditions, not just some lazy malingerer.

But yeah, dad, thanks for reminding me I do nothing and my brother is the sun, moon, and stars.

I hate that the tiniest things get my all bent. Like yesterday and waiting to see if R would show. I even bathed and tidied the house lest judgment be handed down on that front. My kid had a fit cos she doesn’t like when he comes over, he teases her. And she does not like sharing my attention even with the cats. But having something looming overhead-appointment, party, even a friend visiting-it all seems to shut down my ability to feel anything but dread and these mood swings of “I am not up to pasting on the happy face” then swing to “This might be good for me, who knows.” It’s just bloody stressful and I hate myself, chemical imbalance or personality or what, I am just sick of being so damn high strung and neurotic.

I am hateful that every morning with my kid is a battle and she just screams at me because she hates school so much and takes it out on me.

I hate that it’s 18 degrees out today and my feet are freezing. It was 51 yesterday. WTF, Mother Nature? How can anyone with seasonal depression manage to juggle these abrupt curve balls?

And now that I spewed my venom…

Thanks again to everyone who has helped make sure Spook has a good Christmas. Much love and gratitude to those who leave comments or email or text me and just remind me, hey, you’re not alone. In this day and age of social media and expensive excess electronics gadgets…what means the most to me is…having a tribe of friends I consider family. I love you guys. I’m pretty damn lucky to have you all in my life.

And if my mood swings and I start spewing pea soup…always remember under all the negativity and venom…is just a flawed soul who tears up at ASPCA commercials and means well even when her brain is being a jackass.

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