Definitely not a ‘jump out of bed at 5 a.m. day’. More like a six snooze alarm followed by sludgy feelings of ‘must I leave Fort Blankie?’ Got my kid off to school and was freezing so I went back under the covers with two purring kittens and Unsolved Mysteries on TV. A half hour without so much as a yawn, I said fuck it and got up and put on a heavy (albeit ugly) hooded sweatshirt and socks and started moving here and there. No major accomplishments because my stomach is a mess today and it’s gotta be stress about tomorrow and all the festive holiday crap for my kid. Can’t be what I ate. All I’ve had the last two days is some celery sticks with peanut butter.

Another reason for today’s lethargy is the gloom outside. We have had sunny days only 3 times in the last 10 days and it’s starting to feel like a potentially lethal bleeding out illness like ebola. (Definitely NOT making light of ebola sufferers.) For those with seasonal depression who are so sensitive to extreme warmth, extreme cold, sun, gloom- this plays hell on the battle to at least find a baseline of “I don’t want to die today.” Living in the moody weathered midwest has been a heavy cross to bear all my life with the seasonal affective disorder. This area is not known for weather consistence therefore no amount of psych meds are gonna have much impact ‘fixing’ this aspect of my multi diagnoses.

Something AMAZING happened yesterday. I fiddled with some internal wires on my desktop computer and brought it back to life. It seems to be working now, though who knows for how long. Guess when I put the case back on last time after a memory stick came loose I didn’t do it right and jarred some shit loose. I was ecstatic. Now my family can stick their norm and just get me shit I don’t need. I tried dropping some hints along with pics and links cos I REALLY need a new purse. I’ve had two break in the last 2 months and the one I am carrying now, the straps are held on only by thick knots I made and they could go at any time cos, hey, $6 purses you’ve had for 2 years can only survive so long. Both links I sent my sister as hints were for purses under $18 so maybe just maybe they might get me something I like and need.

And don’t get me wrong, I am not being greedy. But Christmas is about the ONLY chance I have every year of acquiring even a couple of items that I simply cannot afford myself because every cent I have goes into raising Spook and meeting her needs. I could also use ink cartridges for my printer. At the moment it is but a paperweight without ink but even a simple black cartridge runs about $30. My stepmom pointed out with all the sales, it’d be cheaper to buy a new printer. And I’ve used that reasoning, which is why I have about four junk printers out in the shed. This printer means a lot to me because it was a gift from a friend. And I gotta say, being old school plus broke, I sure as fuck miss the old dot matrix printers that used the accordion paper with holes fed into it. If all I want to print out is my writing but it takes 3 black cartridges to do it, well, that bloody sucks. My old dot matrix had an old school fabric ribbon that cost about $12 and lasted two years before it even began to fade. So is it really so far fetched and old fasioned to have the warm fuzzies for something that worked well and was a hell of a lot cheaper to use and maintain? Given, dot matrix sucked at printing pictures but just for text, especially my 600 page stories, well…It was just cheaper and more convenient and the thing didn’t break down ten times a week with a bloody paper jam.

Happy to say I slowly getting caught up on the pile that is dirty clothing Mount Laundrolympus. Unfortunately, I now have more dirty dishes to wash. And the hell machine needs to go over the carpets since my brattleaxe child is too lazy to use a trash can for candy wrappers.

I am just tapped out and so frustrated. Everyone around me is moving on, moving up, and I am stuck in this endless bipolar depression cycle. Even my stepmom, who can barely write, managed to attend truck driving school and get a CDL. So why can’t I DO SOMETHING to better our situation for my kid? It helps if you have an inkling of what you might do that would be within your skillset but not stress you out too much or bore you into a coma. That’s why I think some sort of work from home deal would be perfect from me. Word processing, hunting down bargains, research, emailing-all things I excel at that do not overwhelm me and trigger the worst of my disorders. But it is a pegacon. I want to believe it exists but deep down I know…it does not.

In another battle with my narcissist ‘friend’ he called last night but I was on the phone with my sister discussing Spook’s xmas wish list and I’ll be damned if I know how to use call waiting on my cell phone so I let it go to voice mail twice. He sent a text about how he called. And he hasn’t spoken to me since. This is familiar territory. I try to reach him, well, he’s too busy. He tries to reach me, I better answer first ring or reply to text on 2 minutes or he gets mad. Why did I bring this negative force back into my life? Oh, right. Because I am trying to see the best in people and learn to cope with their personality quirks not triggering me. So far…epic fail. I know his bullshit behavior isn’t my fault but as I’ve said before…I feel guilty when it rains and apologize to people for the sucky weather, like it’s even in my capabilities to be responsible for that. People around me know my guilt complex and use it against me incessantly.

I miss the pre mood stabilizer days when my conscience didn’t make frequent appearances, let alone become a damn albatross I can’t escape even for my own mental health.

Now what to do with myself…Housework. Think I’d prefer a root canal without novacaine. When I was watching Lost Girl, they had this fae creature called a brownie and its only purpose in life was to serve others as a housekeeper, cook, errand runner, and the only rule was never take him for granted.

I want one of those. Yeah, yeah, rich people have housekeepers and maids so it technically exists but…supernatural creatures are just more interesting and oh, yeah, I am BROKE so I can’t afford a housekeeper.

Oh, my kingdom for some comfy warm socks. My socks are too thin and my feet are freezing. And my Muk Luk slippers fell apart to the point I couldn’t even yet again hot glue them back together. Thankfully it’s been hinted that I am getting a pair from one family member for Christmas so…hopefully I can keep my feet from freezing and breaking off toes til then. Weird thing is my kid refuses to wear socks or slippers at home and her feet are like ice cubes. I’ve even made jokes about breaking off her toes and using them as ice cubes for my soda. She thinks it’s funny. I guess I am just a thin blooded wuss when it comes to the cold.

The fact that being cold contributes as much to my seasonal depression as does the ass trash weather explains why I fuss about being cold so frequently. Hard to feel ‘up’ and comfortable when all you can focus on is shivering and being uncomfortable. I suppose I could crank up the heat but I can’t afford it and besides, since the vent in my bedroom is putting out little heat thanks the menaces called cats that get down there and fuck up the piping…I just need some mega warm clothes, apparently. Which I normally do cos I get shit cheap at yard sales but since I put every dime into sending Spook to summer camp, I had to give up yard sales this year alas having no warm winter clothes.

Okay, purge complete. Maybe now my brain will slow down, shut up enough, and allow me to accomplish…something. I did the bath thing yesterday so..maybe today…dishes.

Tragic H8te ball says…unlikely.

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