Joyless To The World

It NEVER ceases to amaze me how when I write a fairly positive post, NOT about my own mental issues, it goes totally unnoticed.
It was my ode ( relatively short, concise post for me) to Giving Tuesday and sharing what was a heartwarming and special TV commercial about shelter animals and how they need help. But of bloody course, it isn’t mindless ranting about all the stuff I can’t fucking change so, hey, fuck you, Morgue, we don’t want your warm fuzzy feelings, give us fury and wrath and misery.
Duly noted.

I suppose today I am off to a better start than the last two in spite of having been awake EVERY single hour, on the hour, all night. (And I am not dramatizing, I literally kept waking up every hour so I remember every number on the clock, sleeping in 20-45 minute increments does not lead to feeling rested and peppy.) But I was slapped in the face with the reality of my depressive inertia when my kid said she had no clean clothes and I told her to dig something out of the dirty laundry and Febreze it. I think that was when I knew that my ‘check out’ from reality and the drudgery of domestic responsibilities could not afford another napping in the morning. And lemme tell you, I felt like shit. Like such a failure as mother. Every plate in the house is dirty,too. And still, my give a damn remains dormant.

Six weeks ago, I was in super whirlwind mode, which I suppose was just hypomania. But I never had any feelings of being overjoyed or omnipotent or even hyper. I was just focused and getting shit done. So I thought maybe it was a new phase to my seasonal affective disorder. Ya know, how some people spring cling, I guess I was hoping I’d just gone the polar opposite and was fall cleaning. Now I know that I was in survival mode because I’d put it off til the last minute and had to get the place in order so we could get the landlord and repair people in to get the furnace going. Once I survived that ordeal…The normal seasonal grog and lack of will to do anything returned.

It’s kicking my ass.

It was all I could do to gather up some dirty laundry and make my way to the washer to plop it in. Just adding laundry soap seemed exhausting. Now I have to debate whether to hang dry it inside, or wait til it warms to the alleged fifty degrees it will be outside, or do I take the $2 my kid gave me that she got from a friend and get quarters to use the laundromat? When in depressive inertia mode, making choices is misery because I honestly don’t know which way to go. Simple things, hard things, it becomes this clusterfuck like being trapped in traffic and you have nowhere to go so you freeze. Indecisiveness is a bitter pill to choke down. Thankfully, my mom sent home a ton of leftovers from Turkey Day so I’ve not had to make many choices on what to eat. And last night with my kid, I totally phoned it in. I offered to cook her something and she fussed so I just let her eat 3/4 of the chocolate pie her grandmother made for her. Yes, bad mom. Whatever, at least she wasn’t hungry.

All I have accomplished in the last 5 days was taking a bath Monday (after a week without one), refilling ice cube trays, and making a trip to town for Spook’s meds. Otherwise, it’s just been day naps and lethargy, too depressed to even continue what I was binge watching and sit in front of a TV watching whatever is on the antenna which at this point with 10 channels means I’ve seen it all 10 times…But I can’t help if I have no interest in anything other than zoning out. And maybe it’s my way of letting my feelings stew so when I do resume my binge watch it won’t be tainted by my inability to focus or ya know, give a damn what happened. Today I AM gonna finish the last six episodes of this show, damn it. Then start on Being Human, which was just added for free to Vudu. I’ve watched all these fantasy/horror shows before like True Blood, Lost Girl, and Being Human, but with my memory problems, it’s always nice to go back and revisit old ‘friends’. I am hoping that binge watching these types of shows will spark my creativity and allow me to finally rewrite my 3 book trilogy I’ve been working on since 2007. Gotta say, writing is not an easy process when it comes and goes and stays away for years at a time. And with an attention deficit, it’s very hard to do continuity and stay on track. But I want it back, I want my fictional world back and I NEED to write their story, these beloved characters I have coddled and hated and cursed and loved for all these years. I am DRIVEN to do it, I just need that creative spark.

Oh, and for Santa, ie, mom and sis, to come through with a used computer tower for my Christmas gift. I’ve just never been able to write on a laptop, I have no idea why. Call it a quirk.

I got a call from the school yesterday at 3 p.m. My first thought was, oh god, what did Spook do now? She was calling to ask if she could go to the after school religious group, which for 6 weeks she has totally shunned as boring and lame. I was surprised but I said yes. Then realized her insistence on walking home was bad parenting cos by 5 it is pretty dark out…She got home fine and was in a decent mood. One of her friend’s mom even spent $5 so she could get 3 books from the book fair. Thank God for generous people. Once upon a time, I was the one buying books for the kids at the trailer park whose parents couldn’t afford it so hopefully this is karma coming back on me in a good way.

I was surprised to get an email from Spook’s teacher, even though I had asked her to keep me posted on how Spook has been doing on the higher dose of her med. It was all positive. The medication seems to make all the difference. Except every day getting her to take it is a fight. She says it makes her sleepy. The doctor and pharmacist say that’s not possible because it is a stimulant, she’s just not getting enough sleep at night. Which creates more drama because she wants a later bedtime now that she is ten, but if I don’t have her down by 8:30 she is still wandering around awake at 10, then getting her up in the morning is pea soup spewing time. It’s like I cannot do the right thing no matter how hard I try with this kid. The joys of parenting.

Tonight is her Christmas concert at the school. I’m already looking for sicknesses I can catch suddenly to get out of it. It isn’t that I don’t care about my kid and want to be there for her. But driving at dark, gym crowded with people, high pitched noises…It’s like all my triggers packed into a 90 minute space and it wears me down.

But I’d better get used to it. Saturday is breakfast with Santa (which was postponed due to weather last week), then later in the evening another Christmas event. The following Saturday, another holiday event and a birthday party on the same day. We both have shrink appointments this month. Then the family get together, plus multiple trips to get our med refills which never align to get done in one trip.

I should be joyful, faking it for my kid. She’s already pissed I haven’t put up the tree yet. I’m just…struggling, big time, and lugging out that tree and assembling it seems so daunting…And having no gifts to put under it is just downright depressing.

Once upon a time, I was spirited at the holidays. I wore the Santa hat even at my job, big light up bulb earrings…I was merry right up til Christmas day when I checked out of the family things and spent the day alone, licking my wounds from being so damn cheerful all month. Then one year, my marriage ended near Christmas, then my parents split at Christmas, oh, my second legally binding relationship broke up right before the holidays…And of course, the family member who committed suicide on New Year’s Day. It’s just not a festive time for me, emotionally.

I will, as usual, cajole, kick, and bully myself into putting up a tree, buying second hand chintzy gifts for her, and plaster on the ‘holly jolly Christmas’ mask. And I am tired of it being a mask, I’d like to feel some joy.

But all I have to offer right now is being joyless.

If hearing about it depresses you, trying living it 24-7.

Bah humgbug.

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