Dysphoric Doll

Dysphoria is a state of mental discomfort or suffering. When you feel dysphoria — you feel depressed and awful.It’s a state of unease, anxiety, and misery.

Losing our kitten, hormonal imbalance, weather related depression, money stress…It’d make anyone sad, right?

Except my sadness has ballooned into outright dysphoria. Zero energy, zero will to live. Getting up to get my kid off to school today was grueling. How I wanted to remain in my warm sarcophagus of blankets and sleep.

The news depressed me. What a farce. I made it about 15 minutes before I changed the channel. Not that my brain is any state to focus or even be distracted by TV.

This misery has seeped down into my bones and I feel utterly useless, helpless.

I saw a motivational poster at the psych center yesterday about making every day of your life count and how it is up to you whether you waste it or make it a memorable day of productivity. It’s almost humorous to put something like that in a place where so many of us go because our minds tell us, no matter how well things are going, that we are too exhausted and demoralized to even bathe.

I won’t prolong this woe is me bullshit. But what I thought was feeling low last week was nothing compared to how I am feeling now. You could shove me into a six foot hole, cover me with dirt, and I’d be hard pressed to even protest weakly.

My love for my child and cats should make me more determined. Instead, I feel so despondent. Maybe another day in Fort Blankie is in order. I did get out and function yesterday, at least. I can always take the paperwork to town tomorrow and get Spook’s new script. I can’t get my scripts because I won’t have the copay til next month so I will have two weeks without Cymbalta and Wellbutrin.

Okay, enough bitching and moaning. Just wanted anyone else who is going through a dark depression who might happen upon this…you’re not alone. And it’s not your fault.

2 Responses to “Dysphoric Doll”

  1. I feel for you! I have bipolar so depression comes around often. In 2019, I’ve had to say goodbye to my dying mother, I’ve been fired from 2 jobs (both due to depression episodes) and I’ve gone completely broke, very near losing my home. Add a tumultuous relationship with a boyfriend to that and a close family member who went on a witch hunt to prove I was a drug addict (I’m not). So the stress causes anxiety and depression. Thank god for my meds! Anyway, I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. Know you’re not alone! If you’d like to talk, I’m here ❤️

    • Thank you so much for the reminder that I am not alone. I am so isolated in this rural town, and my family does not believe in mental illness, just poor character so no support and my interactions seem limited to talking to my kid and cats.

      I’d love to talk to another grown up who gets what this battle is truly like. Feel free to email me any time. manicmurderdoll@gmail.com

      Niki AKA Morgueticia

      On Thu, Nov 14, 2019 at 11:40 PM Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


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