I Wanna Be An Ice Queen

9 days ago I was hanging laundry out on the line to dry.

Today it is 8 degrees and the outdoors is essentially a snow covered ice rink.

Talk about something to make the seasonal affective disorder kick into overdrive. That is a massive, abrupt shift for everyone, let alone someone with seasonal depression. Throw in inability to get warm, cramps, and a sick cat and well…If you were looking for sunshine to be spewed here today, move along.

I fretted all night long because the school deemed the roads fit and my kid told me she had a bad feeling and didn’t trust the bus driver…Then my dad told me how their SUV did a 180 and almost landed in a ditch. So I got the bad juju in my gut and this morning, when dad called and said even his boss-who lives near my kid’s school-told him not to bother even trying to get over there, too dangerous. I kept my kid home, claiming lingering stomach issues from yesterday. Fuck this school district. I don’t want my kid to miss school but if someone-with 60 years driving experience-is being told by their own boss not to brave the roads because they are so dangerous- well, I have learned to heed the bad juju. Someone was killed in an accident on the road yesterday in a different county so…neurotic as it may be, I kept her home. And for once, my dad didn’t give me grief, he told me he’d rather have her safe than stranded on the road or turned over in a ditch.

The ironic thing-and forgive me if I misuse the term irony, when dad called yesterday morning before the worst of the snow and rain, he told me “Roads don’t scare me none.” Six hours later after a trip 50 miles away to his doctor and them nearly wrecking even in a 4 wheel drive…he changed his tune fast and said it scared the hell out of him.

Tomorrow I am just gonna have to suck it up as I have two very important back to back appointments. I will just have to drive slow and try to remain careful and focused.

Not looking forward to telling the new telepsych that I am feeling shittier instead of better but I will try to explain how the hormonal surges mess with my mental state. And I don’t know many people who, while in physical pain, can say they ‘feel good’. The only thing that is soooooooo much better is the raise in Xanax. The panic attacks have pretty much subsided, yay. I mean that as in pompom waving YAY!, not sarcatic ho hum monotone yay. After a year of being ravaged by panic attacks every single day, this is a good thing. Even my paranoid anxiety is lessened, though social situations can spark it. One thing positive-the shitty weather prevented dad and stepmomster from stampeding into my kingdom.

LOL. My kingdom. Sounds narcissistic AF. But it is less ego and more like “this is my safe space, it is my fortress to protect me from the outside threats that set off my panic”. So it is a very old modest kingdom filled with used and mismatched stuff, but it is our kingdom that unfortunately, is located in Armpit, USA. Think I felt less ashamed spending 9 years in the trashiest trailer park for 100 miles. But I worked years to make that a safe space and because it was so iffy, it did ward off visitors well. Now that we are in a house thus ‘more respectable’ by society’s idiotic standards…it seems to draw people to us. Good thing my mood swings and neuroses are basically a social deterrent.

I am feeling low today and wishing that my raging emotions could just ice over and turn me into a numb emotion free ice queen. But that’d be taking the easy way out, going back on lithium. And man, for me, lithium is the ultimate numbing agent. With no highs and not even enough available emotions to express proper grief or anger or happiness…novacaine for the brain. I can’t handle the side effects and I can’t stand the numbness in the long term. But when the feelings are raging and it overwhelms me, I wouldn’t mind a break from it all. I want to write so damn badlu, get lost in fiction, feel something other than all this sadness and frustration and anger. I even started binge watching True Blood for a second time for inspiration back into my vampire world.

I stayed up til 11:45, for a change, but never did get the gumption to sit at my desk and face the blinking cursor of doom. It’s almost like I am phobic of trying to write about anything but my own misery and medi-go-round. The weather and having my kid home probably isn’t helping. But it isn’t just that. I am back to battling filling ice cube trays. We are out of clean plates because when I went on my cleaning frenzy, I only kept a fraction of what we have and put the rest in the shed…And SANE people just do the damn dishes when they run out of plates. Hell, normal people wash them before it gets that far. I went through this a few weeks back letting every spoon and fork in the place get dirty. Then I ran out of paper plates and started cooking on occasion and now…the build up is back. Having to heat water on the stove then drag it over to the sink and make sure it stays hot enough to get the plates clean, and make sure I have clean rinse water…I gotta get the hot water heater and faucet fixed. Oh and the dryer…

There I thought I was digging my way out from under it all and ya know what? It just keeps coming. Lather, rinse, repeat. This is life. How does anyone get joy out of doing the same things over and over with no end in sight? Oh, maybe because they don’t live under a heavy depressive bubble choking the breath out of them on a daily basis.

But at which point do I have to stop blaming the depression and just admit…I hate doing housework and that is a flaw in my character and the depression may make it more challenging but the bottom line is, I am the problem?

I think the deciding factor for me is, it doesn’t merely impact things I do not like to do. It envelopes everything I do, even what normally is pleasant. That truly is depression in the clinical, crippling sense.

Maybe I could go stand outside with no gloves or coat and become a numb ice queen.

My luck it’d just make me feel all these insane emotions more deeply and give me frostbite and pneumonia.

I warned you. No sunshine and rainbows being barfed up here. They froze mid air during the spewing.

That’s a lie, I am not doing sunshine and rainbows right now but it sure paints an adequate picture of the current weather here.

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