Falling In Reverse

I rode high on hypomania and necessary mad activity for 3 weeks. Now…I am falling in reverse. Low energy, easily irritable, never able to get warm, and an utter lack of desire to be awake or get out of bed. Today was a three snooze button morning but I had a very bad day with my kid yesterday.

I had told her previously that she could not join band simply because of all the fees involved and her pattern of dropping out of everything she has ever joined once it becomes boring or she isn’t getting gifts and finding it ‘fun’. So she went behind my back with some sob story to an older school mate who apparently offered up his sister’s saxophone and he cleared it with the principal and my kid went along with it because ‘he wouldn’t listen, he bullied me’…I was more angry about all the activity behind my back with nary one call from a parent or school official. She was told no, she did it anyway, and then started screaming and throwing things at me as if I had done something wrong. And this went on for hours, me trying to talk sense to her and explain the financial situation and all the hard work that goes into band…and she just continued channeling satan and telling me I ruin her life and everything bad in her life is because of me…And she started back in on it this morning before the bus.

As if I don’t feel shitty enough about the financial stuff. I told her this morning that if she was willing to sacrifice Christmas gifts and have nothing under the tree, she could do band but I have to speak to the parents of this supposed saxophone donor as well as the band teacher. These entitled brats of the 2000s just think they can do whatever they want without regard to parental say and it pisses me the fuck off. I asked her, what if this kid offered up this saxophone and his sister or parents aren’t cool with it? Is she going to go scream and throw things at them? (Which, btw, she justified by saying oh, they were just small squishy things, mom! because yeah, long as it isn’t grenades you can throw stuff at people in life, totally cool. NOT) I guess we will see what fresh hell today brings.

I have cramps and a backache so I know the monthly dysphoria has started its process. I heard how some women get 24 hours of PMS and how awful it is. Try PMDD where it lasts 7-10 days every month. Throw in some bipolar, depression, and anxiety on top of it. THEN tell me how awful it is. I feel like the life got sucked out of me by an industrial vaccuum.

And while it has only been a week, the new med combo isn’t helping a bit with my early evening crash and burn. That I have got to discuss with him next time I see him. They say the only difference taking the meds makes is if they make you sleepy or keep you awake but I am wondering if, with my ‘sundowning’ mood towards the evening, maybe I need a booster dose of Cymbalta. Idk. I was feeling hopeful for awhile but now..Right back to where I was. At least the house is in order. But can I keep it that way with the darkness now enveloping my brain? And how can I keep my sanity amidst the insanity of a child I can’t control who has zero respect for me? I grounded her from the tablet and her friends for a week for the hours long violent fit, but she was right back to blaming and shaming me today like she did nothing wrong. There are times I get this vibe from her, like, am I raising a sociopath or psychopath here without empathy or regard for consequences for her actions?

Alas, I hope I am just raising a run of the mill ten year old nearing puberty who is going to take me on a blessed hellride, which I am already on one of my own so…the future so scary, I need Kevlar, a Z Whacker, and maybe my own Terminator to protect me from her wrath. I don’t believe in beating kids but this snowflake grounding bullshit has turned them all into monsters with no discipline or respect and it pisses me off. I don’t spank my kid more than a couple times a year and that is usually because she is having a kicking slamming her head fit and I have to get her attention before she hurts herself. Yet even without spanking, she is violent all on her own so the whole ‘spanking teaches them violence’ thing is bullshit. A few more swats on the ass and discipline and this current generation might not be a bunch of budding psychopaths likely to go onto be President.

I’d rather just have a kid with a good heart and empathy even if she grows up to become a window washer or scrubs toilets in a motel. So many successful people are mental disasters. Look at U.S. leadership right now. It proves my point to a T. Successful doesn’t mean mentally well and a good person.

I went off track there…Ooops.

I need a bath, I think it’s been a week. I was doing better, bathing every two days, but now the seasonal depression is kicking my ass and it all seems pointless since I have to be buried under layers of clothes just to feel warm. And I fucking hate baths. I want my damn shower back.

I asked my dad if I could do some work to make money for cat litter and food for them and ya know what? That fucker called my sister and paid her $50 to clean their house. She lives in a house where they bring in $7000 grand a month and her kid is 21 and married and on his own. I have a 10 year old to support and get $835 a month. Yet…I am constantly reminded of my standing in this fucked up hellmouth of a family. I just wanted to take care of my furkids, ffs. I’d have done it for $25 but oh year, stepmonster prefers my sister because she does a ‘better’ job than me. Meaning she stays for hours and visits with them and will go near their toilet without a hazmat suit and I um, go in, get shit done as fast as I can, and GTFO. But still…She’s got $7000 grand a month coming in and dad decides she needs the money more than we do? Utter bullshit.

I was taking steps forward and now I am falling in reverse. Never mind that Falling In Reverse is an awesome band. When it describes my decline in mental health, the term bloody well sucks.

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