I’d Like To Get Off Of The Ride Now, Please

So all in all…The house is no longer a biohazard and I actually allowed another human being to come inside at long last yesterday. I felt good about all I accomplished til I took a closer look at the little things I missed. Honestly, dirty base boards and smudges on walls and a cobweb in a corner aren’t big deals to me but since I so often find myself under the microscrope of others with very high standards of cleanliness…Just making such a big effort against all my current mental shit, and accomplishing so much, only to see these missed things…It left me crestfallen. Like, why fucking bother at all? But in cleaning the place up I have managed to regain control over one aspect of my life so I am just gonna cling to that. And my guest actually said the place looked clean and tidy so as long as no one is looking too closely at the baseboards along the walls and stuff…I guess I pulled it off. And I am exhausted.

We were enlisted to take my brother to work yesterday, which did not amuse me but…shit happens. We went to town, Spook cashed in her coins at coinstar, and we braved Dollar Tree even though it’s no longer a pleasant shopping experience but instead, wing and a prayer time that we don’t see the donor working. And we got lucky cos he wasn’t there yesterday and I got $5 in Halloween things and decorated my porch at last. Of course, I had nightmares that because the donor wasn’t working it means he quit or got fired again…which impacts my ability to support my kid financially so yeah, my neurotic ass stresses over every damn thing. If he’s working, if he’s not. And it pisses me off because that just assigns him more importance than he actually has in our lives. He doesn’t deserve to reside under my skin and cause me constant stress. I’m the one raising a kid alone here, if anything, he left me with all the responsibility and stress, so letting his employment status fuck us over at every turn just seems like one perpetual slap to the face. I unfortunately don’t have the mental resources to tackle that neuroses right now.

Then came the clincher yesterday. I had a feeling the car wasn’t acting right but since I felt that way all summer at every turn, I tried to tell myself I was being paranoid and silly. And then…the car wouldn’t start. A nice Dominos employee tried to help in case it just needed a battery jump but nope…There me and my kid were, stranded in town, my dad and stepmonster both working, my nephew unable to help, my sister offering to take us home but unable to help. I called stepmonster and then she called dad and he called me and started yelling at me, telling me I probably ground down the starter and…Next thing I know, stepmonster is there, and Dad called R and he showed up with his son in law and…my car got a new starter installed right in the Dominos lot. And I was relieved because it was stressful being stranded and having an antsy child wanting me to play games and amuse her when all I could do was go, what the fuck am I gonna do now…Now I owe dad $140 for the fucking starter. R refused to take any payment for doing the work.

So when he texted later and asked if he could come finally see our place and visit…I said okay. And it was a nice trip down memory lane, he even apologized for not listening to me back when things went to shit and I was trying to tell him…Though it’s a cycle that will repeat again because, well, he is who he is, and emotional health isn’t high on his priority list. His coping mechanisms are working 14 hour days and then drinking beer til he passes out. And that is fine, I just told him, I can’t keep up, I never could, I have to stay in my own lane for my own sanity. Because much as I liked visiting with him…I woke with great anxiety today, terrified that I am going to get sucked back into the vortex of his breakneck speed world where I get trampled every single time I try to even be involved on the outskirts. His life has too many moving parts that move too fast and it’s not healthy for me mentally.His cell phone alone getting texts every 20 seconds, that alone is enough to make me come unglued. I have to slow things, get off the ride, and…just…breathe.

And aside from a few jabs at democrats and Hillary Clinton, AOC,’the squad’ and oh, yeah, insistence that Trump will be reelected and ‘we’ libtards will find out the truth about how low democrats are…Well, I just shut that shit down and then he showed me some Wednesday Addams parody videos and it was okay. I loved the videos and punched him in the arm for not at least dropping me the link earlier. Wednesday as an adult kinda gave me a girl crush and it isn’t the cardigan and braids, it’s the dark deadpan macabre humor. I LOVE that shit, it cheers me up.

Another plus to yesterday, in spite of everything going to shit with the car, was when the son in law brought R to help us, he had his 7 year old with him and Spook hadn’t seen her since we moved so they sat in the truck and laughed and hugged each other and had a grand old time. Seeing her happy makes me happy.

And maybe it’s time for me to occasionally step onto the ride of socialization and living outside my own head but…that is the thing. I am surrounded by high functioning over acchieving people who suck me into their vortex and ignore my protests that I can’t be like them and they just tell me to suck it up and get over myself and…round and round it goes. And I can’t stay on that ride perpetually. One of my biggest challenges I suppose is that I don’t do confrontation, it causes massive panic attacks, so if I assert myself and people perpetually bulldoze and bully me to get me in their lane and on their crazy rides…I shut down and shut people out. For all the bullshit people like my dad and R spew about accepting people for who they are, they may be the worst culprits at not accepting me for who I am. They focus instead on what they want me to be, which highlights for me how much I want them to accept my limitations and not bully me, and it becomes a neverending toxic situation. I can accept that they like ‘life in the fast lane’-so to speak as long as they don’t expect me to keep up. This is not reciprocated and…I retreat, shut down, shut out. Think if I ever get my meds straightened out, a good place to start would be an attempt at small but consistent efforts at social interaction as opposed to trying to exist in the fast lane that tramples me and leads to me shutting down and shutting out.

But today I am getting off the ride, no matter who likes it or not. I have worked my ass off, drained myself mentally, and I accomplished much. Time to reboot. Which means living under layers of clothes and freezing and maybe cooking a meal later. We can go one more day without heat before I call the landlord. I need a day of not having my safe space invaded. And it’s me and Spook’s Monday night date to watch 9-1-1 and Prodigal Son together. The fast lane and broken furnace and all the other bullshit will still be there tomorrow. Today I cut myself some slack and rest. And even if it kills me, I AM going to allow myself to feel proud of my accomplishments, imperfect or inadequate as they may for others. For me, pulling it all off in the midst of a seasonal depression when the summer one never let up and all my meds are messed up, I have physical concerns going on….

It’s okay to take some pride in accomplishments and it’s okay to get off the ride when it’s giving you motion sickness. Time to regain equilibrium. Time to…breathe.

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