Death Frozen Over

I woke around 3:30 a.m. frozen and shivering. I couldn’t even get to the bathroom, I just found a heavy pull over hoodie and climbed back into fort blankie. Suffice it to say, the furnace isn’t coming on. And until I get the house cleaned up, I can’t let people come inside and see my shame. But my landlord insists on doing everything himself and with the wooden steps to the basement broken, the notion of him clod hopping around in his elderly demented state makes me nervous. I wish he’d just send a heating company but no, that is always the second option or third or fourth after he parades half his family through. I am going to HAVE to get my ass in gear but so far today it is not happening. I am riddled with cramps which have less to do with menstrual b.s. and more to do with my forever haunting ovarian cyst pain. It’s hard to focus on anything when you’re freezing and in pain.

Yesterday did not work out well for me. I got blackmailed and guilted into doing my stepmonster’s dishes because she’s busy working the fields and starting school for her CDL. Ermagod, every cup in the house was dirty. Dishes piled two feet high on the counter, in the sink, back on the deep freeze. And it smelled and they had a few bugs. And my dad didn’t even offer to throw a fiver at me, just said, “You know you owe use for a year and a half of trash service…”I can’t do my own shit but hey, bring in a bully with leverage and I concede defeat. They do not understand mental disability, at all. But yeah, I do feel lousy that I can’t afford my own trash service and yes, they do help us out, so…It took me almost 2 hours to get through that stinking massive pile of two week old dishes. I’m pretty gross and slovenly, but there is no need for a 3 person family to have over 50 dirty mugs and cups. Ridiculous.

By the time I returned…my internet was down. And it stayed down until around midnight. I am not fucking amused with Frontier and their shitty DSL. Hopefully the satellite links used for government ops is more reliable than whatever Cracker Jack Box $1.99 bullshit Frontier uses. So I started watching season 2 of Absentia on my computer and it briefly took me out of my own head…Then my kid came home and she was pissed about the net being down. She was like a tazmanian devil with the talking and gesturing and just….HYPER AF. I still have not heard a word back about insurance paying for her Concerta. Her grades have gone to shit because she can’t or won’t focus and I feel like I am failing as a parent but the kid refuses to put forth the effort. And I can’t help her with focus since I can’t even get my shit together.

I saw my neighbor putting up Halloween decorations yesterday and it made me realize how bad off I truly am. I want to be functional and happy and have a zest for life and yet…

I am sad, I am anxious, I am in physical pain, I am freezing…This seasonal bullshit is like whiplash, 92 degrees down to 41 degrees in less than 7 days. Then it goes back to the 70’s then back to the 40’s. Part of me can’t help but wonder if I were financially able to move to a different locacation with less severe shifts in weather if at least that aspect of my diagnosis might improve. Too bad a doc can’t write a script for that along with the check funding it.

On a show last night they were talking about how hygiene and living environment devolve with onset of depression but then the devolution of home environment causes the depression to worse so it’s a catch 22. You know getting things in order-taking control- would make you feel better….but the depression renders you impotent…I don’t even know what the fuck to do with that. Every badass fiber in my being wants to get moving, kick ass, and take back control over my home and my life. Yet a buidlung toppled on me and I am buried under all this heavy rubble that I can’t move by myself so…

I feel stuck.

Frozen in every way.

For now, I am going to ride out my physical symptoms and see how the day goes towards accomplishing stuff. Hopefully my panic attacks will be held at bay longer today since Spook has her afterschool church program today. Her constant babble and motion have really been setting off the panic attacks. The kid is driven like she is a motorized bunny. And I am the lady so nervous I had to remove the batteries from all my Furbies so their incessant Furby yak sessions would be silenced. Loud noise doesn’t just freak me out. It flips my equilibrium. Enter panic. And she can’t calm down because the problem is in her misfiring mind.

We have healthcare and neither of us can get the medications we need to help manage our disorders so you gotta wonder, what the hell is the point of healthcare at all?

I feel like death, frozen over. Except I don’t even have the numbness that being dead and frozen would offer.

Very frustrating.

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