Anxiety, Like Climbing Ivy

I was asleep by 9 p.m. last night, which pissed my kid off because I sent her to bed a half hour early. I told her she could read or watch TV for an hour but she was in prime Spook tantrum mode and stomped off and slammed her door. (I can see the tween and teen years and I don’t think I am gonna make it out alive, the kid is gonna chew me up and spit me out.) But once I finally nodded off, I slept pretty well in spite of multiple wakings. It’s a happy waking if I see the clock and know I have several hours before I have to be up. 🙂 See, an optimistic note, even if about a symptom of severe depression. Also happy is a wake up in which I am able to get right back to sleep as opposed to sitting up or tossing and turning for hours while losing my mind to frustration. Those nights are rough.

I thought going to bed early would enable me to get a fresh start today so I set my alarm an hour earlier. 5:30 is not an hour I enjoy seeing unless I haven’t been to bed yet. So I hit snooze about seven times, but by 6 a.m. I’d had enough of the drone of the televangelist garbage that airs between 3 and 6 a.m. when I am too groggy to notice or change the channel. Law and Order came on, the light was coming up, so I said fuck it and got up before 7. I thought last night, hey, if I set the alarm that early, I can still get in my snooze button love affair AND have time to get a quick bath and start the day off on a good ‘let’s get going’ note. Hmm…it didn’t work out that way. Because my mental state, while out of ‘kill me now’ territory, is still looking around at the actual facts-I need a cleaning crew to get this place in order properly-and the depressive distortion is insisting that this is beyond my capabilities since I can’t even focus and unscramble my brains enough to arrange forks, knives, and spoons in the damn drawer…Needless to say, it’s almost 8:30 and I still haven’t gotten that bath. And my hair feels gross so it needs to be done but…hygiene takes a lot of spoons and since I also need to make a trip to town to pay rent and fetch food and such…Just don’t know if I have the available spoons.

So I am writing this while an episode of “The Fix” is playing in the background. Hoping my mind clears and my gears shift into some semblance of focus.

STILL having the battle with insurance to cover Spook’s meds. She is on day 5 without and she is back to incessant jabbering and topic jumping and mood swings. She nEEDS that script. But the doctor didn’t get prior approval and they are fucking about, the insurance company is battling back that she doesn’t need it even though the doctor says she does BUT HELL YEAH, SOME PENCIL PUSHING PENNY SQUEEZING INSURANCE COMPANY HACK KNOWS WAY MORE THAN SOMEONE WHO WENT TO SCHOOL FOR DAMN NEAR 30 YEARS TO BECOME A DOCTOR. Man, this country’s healthcare system is not just flawed, it’s fucked. My sister has her own insurance battle going on where she’s had irregular menstrual bleeding for 3 straight weeks which could be very serious but she hasn’t met her deductible so they won’t even sign off on an urgent care visit for her. She’ll bleed to death before they sort it out. This is why people get sicker and end up costing more in medical bills, by being denied necessary treatment in the first fucking place. While I am not a huge fan of the ACA because of all its flaws (like fining people for choosing to have shelter over health insurance, or ya know, doing without food to get this so called ‘affordable’ insurance, though coverage for pre existing conditions is the ONE stellar aspect I loved about it, and no doubt the current regime will fuck that up.)…I just believe if the politicians got out of the pockets of big pharma and insurance companies and let the damn doctors do their jobs and treat their patients equally without regard to who can afford the best insurance…Yeah, I live on planet utopia and no doubt will face backlash for my naive idealism…But the system IS broken and until the decisions are made by medical professionals and NOT politicians and insurance companies and lobbyists…it will never improve.

Oh, it kind of feels good to go off on a tear like that. I needed to get pissed off to distract from what this post was going to be about in the first place before well, ADD brain and shiny objects.

The anxiety started rising right out of the gate and within an hour, I’d already had 3 panic attacks which cost mega spoons!!!! But it gave me this visual of ivy climbing a trellis, upward, bigger and thicker and curlier. That is my anxiety. Normally I love the sight of climbing ivy, I find it pretty. But when it amounts to panic attacks, paranoia, and every nerve ending on fire with fear I can’t explain…Maybe I should find another description and not ruin my love for ivy. For now it’s the most apt description I have.

Now…trying to get my ass moving and accomplish stuff. Wish me luck. I am gonna need it since the lovely ivy is choking me out here.

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One Response to “Anxiety, Like Climbing Ivy”

  1. At least you have until Spook hit teen years to secure that place in a mental ward?!
    And when you get out I’ll send you a bottle of Vodka so you can celebrate that Spook has moved out and gone to university!!

    And if you think that’s inappropriate to say… my boss told me off after I had a meeting that raised an issue that was potentially severe and in hindsight, maybe laughter wasn’t the right reaction

    But that happens when you look at life about to hit you with an obvious blow and it sidewinds you from the other angle with a low blow!

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