Random Babble And Crappy Grandfathers

My daughter had a bawling meltdown on the way back from town with her grandfather because she found out the kittens were gone. She was very upset and rather than calm her, he called her an idiot. So she came in bawling and hyperventilating and I had to calm her down. I really want to hunt him down and whack him with a shovel, you don’t call a ten year old an idiot just because she is crying and sad about her kitties going away. What the fuck is wrong with that man? And they pulled off without even making sure I was here for her, which they never do, so they obviously expected me to go off on them and they bailed before I could. What a crappy grandfather. But he was the same way as a father toward us girls. He isn’t exactly warm and fuzzy with our half brother but he does a lot of yelling and name calling and it’s not just his age, he’s always been a heartless jackass on emotional stuff. Now I wish I’d just gone and gotten her myself but honestly, I didn’t think any 72 year old grandpa would have the idiocy to call his grandchild an idiot. And rather than apologize when I confonted him on the phone, he just cussed and said she was having a screaming fit and fuck it, next time the cats can go to the pound. There is no reasoning with that man.

My bright light phobia is on hyper drive now that she is home and keeps running in and out while playing with her friends in the yard. I don’t know when I became so sensitive to bright light, I used to have lava lites and glitter lamps and blacklights and Christmas lights going all the time. Of course that was prior to the Nardil incident that seems to have boiled my brain and turned me into a neurotic crossed wire nutjob. But I can’t help it, every time the door opens and sunlight flows in…I get shaky and paranoid. I wish I could shake it off, but it’s been a bucket of fail.

To combat my sadness over the cats I am rewatching season two of Young Sheldon. Normally comedies don’t fit my mental space but it’s just background noise and occasionally I smirk or laugh. Just too much darkness in my mind, I have been living on youtube crime docs all summer, need to shake it up with a ray of positive.

Still not getting any housework done. Paranoia and panic are a bitch. Another thing I can’t shake off or snap out of no matter how hard I try.

I still have water trapped in one ear from swimming yesterday and it is bugging the hell out of me. Nothing seems to make it pop so I can only hear well out of one ear and have to keep asking Spook what she said. Annoying.

The unmowed lawn is bugging the hell out of me, but it is such a big lawn and so overwhelming to do alone with a push mower. Not that my dad has offered to help since they have riding mowers. He has, however, bitched about how my yard looks. The man is just maddening and the thought he could live 20 more years means 20 more years of perpetual derision for me. I know it’s terrible to think that way but I think it’s also pretty natural to want a negative influence out of your life. Everyone keeps telling me to shut him out and believe me, I have tried. He’s like herpes, he never goes away. The one time I did shut them out we didn’t speak for almost a year and it was a peaceful year. Now that I have the grandchild, though, they aren’t backing off one bit.

Speaking of crappy grandparenting…My kid came home and once she calmed down, she started raising her voice and throwing anger and attitude my way. Every damn time she stays with my mom I have to deprogram her and remind her this shit isn’t going to fly with me. It takes a day or two to get her back to normal, which is why the sleepovers happen maybe twice a month, max. I sometimes wonder if my mom purposely winds her up and talks trash about me so Spook feels obligated to be loyal to grandma and take her anger out on me. Oh, that sounds paranoid and crazy…Still, scumbag brain wonders. My mom is pretty harsh on me and very verbal in front of Spook about my every shortcoming.

I am still on the quest for the pegacorn. A work from home job. Honestly, I think I might have some longevity if I can remain in my sae space and get my thoughts organized on my own schedule. I know most work from home jobs are scams, but I can’t seem to let myself give up on the dream. Out there somewhere there has to be an employer sympathetic to someone with mental health issues who can’t make the world ‘out there’ work so needs something more suited to her abilities. I am dreaming, of course, but hey, dreams are what keep us going through all the mundane garbage.

I just got rejected from a job site based on my email address, it said use a different one. It’s not like I used my primary with murderdoll, geesh. The other one is a color and a big word most people don’t know the meaning of, I fail to see how it is offensive. If that site is that picky, fuck it, we’re not gonna get along. Not like they do me a damn bit of good anyway. I’m basically unemployable, I get it.

Really struggling today with the panxiety and depressive inertia. It seems to take every bit of my strength just to go to the other room for a drink or to use the bathroom. I WISH I knew why the anxiety has metastasized to this degree, it’s frightening as hell. And it makes me feel stupid and humiliating, no one should feel paranoid and nervous to go to the bathroom in their own home.

The mom, mom, mom mantra has returned. I missed her when she was at her sleepover, but damn, it’s just the two of us here, there are times I wish she’d just ask the question instead of yelling mom repeatedly.

The day is wearing on yet my anxiety just soars. I don’t get it. I pissed my dad off royally so he should let me be for the day. Still…the anxiety climbs upward and I look forward only to bedtime. This is so not normal.

I did dishes. That was like scaling a mountain. We have the kitchen curtained off so the AC can cool the bedrooms so the kitchen in this high humidity was like a sauna. I am covered in sweat. As if I need any help there, it took four applications of antiperspirant today because I kept breaking out in that cold sweat down my sides, a surefire sign of panic. Now if only I can find the energy to do a load of laundry. It’s not looking good. The laundromat here is now locked and you have to go ask for the key, thanks to vandals and thieves. What a pain in the ass when you can barely get them washed let alone hauled up there, get the key, do the drying, return the key, drag it all home…Geesh. The universe is really testing my strength right now cos everything just seems insurmountable and hopeless.

My last appointment with NP with the initial nurse intake, she asked me if I was having a lot of headaches. I honestly said maybe twice a month I get one. I have had a headache six days in a row now and I think, from the knots in my neck, it has to be stress related. This panic and anxiety are really doing a number on me physically between the stomach issues, headaches, tense muscles, and panic attacks that manifest physically. I don’t know how to fix it. I do know it alters my thinking and perception to a level that I am very ill at ease with.

It’s 5 p.m. and I feel immense relief with every passing minute. The sooner I can shake off the daily anxiety and take solace in the fact door knocks, calls, and visitors taper off around 7:30…the better. Then I can seek more solace in sleep, even if we are getting low on melatonin and I don’t know if I am gonna have the nards to venture into the donor’s store to buy more.I’m the cowardly lion when the anxiety and paranoia overload my circuits.

Woohoo, I fixed supper. Okay, I used a Frydaddy to do tenderloins and curly fries, but it counts. Ten minutes in the kitchen sauna is about all I can handle.

Oh joy, it is nearing 8 p.m. which means it is time for my sleepytime cocktail and several hours of peace from my racing paranoid distorted mind. My favorite part of the day, sadly. I love my time with my child and my cats but this depression and anxiety is putting me through the ringer. I welcome the respite of sleep…When my every waking thought is not about ‘is it bedtime’ yet, only then will I say if Zoloft is helping at all. Time will tell.

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