Quackery Daiquiri Mental Health Care

So the video of me spazzing after my nightmare nurse practitioner tag team assault yesterday can be found here on my youtube channel for those who like to watch as they drive by car wrecks and can’t look away.

I went in, feeling ok. Not up, not down, just a bit ashamed I hadn’t worked up the energy to properly bathe and my hair was still greasy cos I am too damn broke to afford shampoo that actually lathers and cleans…Then I was hit with a student accompanying my already iffy practitioner and she was my age, and my nurse…sort of deferred the entire appointment to the student. The two of them talked more to each other than to me, like I was not even in the room. I felt off balance, cornered, and when they decided next month they’re taking me off my anti depressant, I went BALLISTIC. I said I’d be doing much better if they’d STOP SCREWING WITH MY MEDS WHEN I FINALLY GET SOMETHING THAT WORKS. They’re talking taking away xanax, wellbutrin, buspar and just leaving me with Lamicatal (cos it helps with depression and anxiety, according to them, and newsflash IT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT FOR ME), Abilify and some antihistamine for anxiety.

I felt like a terrified cornered animal snarling and baring my fangs. I walked out of that office feeling so minimized, so infuriated and frightened and ignored. It was awful. I went right to the desk girl and demanded to know how long til the tele psych thing will be functional. It’s gonna be months and my NP is my only option. I raised more hell and she said it wasn’t my NP’s fault she couldn’t prescribe higher xanax and it’s like ARE ANY OF YOU EVEN LISTENING TO MY WORDS? sHE’S TALKING ABOUT TAKING SOMEONE WITH BIPOLAR TWO AND SEASONAL DEPRESSION OFF THE ONLY ANTI DEPRESSANT KEEPING ME AFLOAt!!!!!! This has to be stopped, this cannot happen, because I will go down the rabbit hole again. My God, one measly month of feeling better on the Abilify and all these nurses can focus on now is getting me on fewer meds. Not giving me time to adjust and max out and come to the decision myself. Just handing down blind edicts without regard to me as a person or individual.

So the desk girl says I have to see my NP next month but two weeks after that in July I get a one and done audience with the benzo nazi. Oh, me and her are gonna have a talk. Hopefully by then I won’t be menstrual and she won’t make me feel like a cornered feral animal. I still can’t believe how they talked to each other like I wasn’t even there. And my NP kept her back to me, AGAIN, to clack on the computer. She looked at the student nurse to address her, though. This is NOT acceptable but I know how it plays out. I am the psych patient, I am hooked on pills, I won’t do therapy, I am to blame for the Lindburg kidnapping. I;ve told them to waive their counselors fees and I will gladly see one of them. Nope. I asked for Lunesta or Ambien for sleep. Nope. That student even had the audacity to suggest Remeron- the stuff that made me sleep 15 hours a day to the point my first husband and his father moved our entire house while I was in my pill induced coma. HELL NO. And I said exactly that.

It is unfathomable how low this NP makes me feel about myself and my progress. One month is not an accurate gauge, especially when increasing to the max dose, to go yanking out all the other meds, even if the high dose Wellbutrin is causing me more anxiety. That should be my choice, IF I feel secure enough to go without a net. And I don’t. She wants to try a different antidepressant that doesn;t heighten anxiety, I can roll with that. But to completely remove bipolar two patients from singular anti depressant therapy is borderline malpractice. I feel doomed having to see this woman. I am ready to just throw in the towel, do without meds, and let my manic flag fly even if it lands me in jail.

It’s not worth it to go in every month and walk out feeling minimized and mute.

So I couldn’t write when I got home, I was too pissed off, terrified, motified, just…she really did a number on my head and with the student there, it felt like a tag team full on assault.

I took 2mg Xanax and slowly my mind calmed. I did dishes, I did some laundry. I change cat boxes. I checked the fluids in my car. I mowed another third of the lawn. I cooked a decent meal for our supper. Anything to keep from having to think about how awful that nurse and student had made me feel. They make me want to go back to drinking because I may as well be a slobbering drunk for all the input I am allowed in my care. For all the lack of encouragement I receive. Her bedside manner sets off every panic and self protective sense I have. You can;t progress properly when you have to face this adversarial non supportive situation each month.

But as I don’t have a choice right now…at least I have 4 weeks before I have to endure her again.

It’s not nearly enough time to recover from what they made me feel like yesterday.

I wish I could sue them just for the emotional suffering. It takes a LOT to turn me into the cornered animal that way, especially when I am in a decent mind frame. But talking all those changes when I haven’t even fully stabilized for a month or two…They are in the wrong here and maybe I handled it less than perfectly but I will not lie down for this. I will advocate for myself. And if talking to the benzo nazi doesn’t help and they still don’t have the tele psych going…I foresee myself going off my meds, taking up CBD oil or weed and booze, and just slamming the door on the whole thing. Because shabby mental healthcare is more depressing and stressful than depression and anxiety disorder.


2 Responses to “Quackery Daiquiri Mental Health Care”

  1. cherylwildcat13 Says:

    Can’t you go to the next town over to another clinic? It would be worth the gas to go somewhere else. My primary care Dr fills my physc pills. I quit going to my dumb ass physc Dr because of the way he treated me. Do you get medicade? Other places take medicade too. It is so unfair for her to take your meds away. I guess she has not heard of withdrawal from pills.

    • Next town with psych docs is 100 mile round trip,half my monthly gas budget. The only ones who take my primary insurance won’t take my secondary so they want the uncovered portion up front in cash. Believe me,I have gone round and round on possible solutions and it always comes down to lack of money. That is why I am holding out for the center to open telepsych services. Sometimes,I just need to rant as therapy 😉

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