When Your Night Fucks UpYour Day

I had a menstrual meltdown last night. Inexplicable anger, tears, feelings of absolute doom and dismay, think I said ‘kill me now’ a few times. My kid did not know what to think but she was ready for bed before 8 p.m. Probably to escape crazy mommy. I was ready for bed myself. Once the dark thoughts set in and the hormonal distortion begins, you’re not going to ‘talk yourself out of’ how you are feeling. Just go to sleep and let your brain reboot.

Problem with that was I woke 4 times before 1 a.m. Then I got pissed off so I sat up and watched the last half hour of NCIS New Orleans and an episode of Major Crimes. I settled on something boring in black and white as my ‘send off’ background but it was another 90 minutes of tossing and turning and knowing if I didn’t get to sleep soon, I’d never want to peel myself out of bed come alarm time. Towards 4 a.m. I turned off the TV and turned on the laptop,put a crime doc in the background, and within 40 minutes…I had drifted out. Only to wake at 5:30 then when the alarm did go off, it was me and the snooze button holding hands til 7:15. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. My entire body aches, the cramps are still haunting me. I couldn’t wait to get my kid out the door to school and resume my fetal position in fort blankie and nod off again.

That was an hour ago and I’m still awake. In pain, depressed, anxious, sleepy, and pissed off. Because I couldn’t sleep through the night it has now thrown off my entire day. Because had I gotten a good night’s sleep, I’d be ready to face the day with more motivation and energy and perhaps accomplish some stuff. Now…I am exhausted. I am irate. It’s a gloomy wet day, so of course, my mood is in the gutter on that front alone. (Yet the sun was triggering me yesterday, wtf???)

I just want to feel better, I really do. Why can’t my mind and body just cooperate with me?

Since I can’t change my shitty night, I am going to try to lay down and maybe nap a bit and perhaps have a resurgence of ‘give a damn’ when I wake. IF I can nod off. May work some painkiller in there somewhere, too. Not really wanting to take Abilify after how loopy the first dose made me but I will. Eventually. Like maybe after I eat. I am hungry as hell but since every food gives me reflux and I can’t afford Pepcid, I fear eating, even bland non heartburn inducing foods.

The sad thing is, about 80% of my weeks are like this. The interrupted sleep totally throws off my mental state for the next day and whatever plans I’d had or whims I’d wanted to indulge are down the drain. It’s difficult to get back on your feet when your own mental dysfunction keeps sweeping your legs out from under you.

I just want a job I can do from home. I want my body to just go through menopause already and stop this monthly insanity. I want to take my kid on her first vacation, keep the bills paid, get a different lawyer and rid myself of the donor, I want to get the cats flea meds so I won’t be swollen and broken out all spring and summer…I just want the weather to pick a topic and stay there for more than one day.

Right now I’d settle for an hour or two of sleep because I really am hurting and I really am exhausted physically and mentally. A brain reboot could be just what I need. Whether scumbag brain and body cooperate, though, is up in the air.

When I get this disgusted with myself I am reminded of a line from a Pink song. “Don’t wanna be my friend no more.”

I am fed up with myself but unlike others who can walk away from my madness…I am stuck here with said madness and I gotta tell you…
it fucking sucks.

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One Response to “When Your Night Fucks UpYour Day”

  1. A mallet
    A friendly doctor on call to ensure it isn’t fatal
    Make sure you are not standing at the time

    Not medically recommended but I hear it works!

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