Bramble On…and On…and On….

My brain…
just initially interpreted ‘tabbed feed” as “webbed feet”.
I am not making up how altered my mind has been since the Nardil incident of 2000 where I nearly died from a med interaction and the local hospital sent me home with exhaustion. My brain got cooked good.
The school principal called…
and my first question was, what did my kid do…
Man, I am a terrible mom.
The principal called because two fundraiser dinner tickets had been donated and she was offering them to us. Of course, I have no gas left in the car to get there and claim the tickets. I’ve filled the tank twice this month, ffs. Most of it has been running my brother to work and family shit, otherwise I’d have sat at home and saved the gas.
May is not looking any better, as my kid has a dentist, doctor, and eye doctor appointment, plus all the end of school activities.
If my family truly wanted to help me in a useful way, they’d give me like a $100 gift card to a gas station. That’d fill the tank three times and leave enough to get gas for the lawn mower each week.
now I really feel like shit. Instantly assuming my kid was in trouble (or sick) and not having the gas to get 20 miles to the school to pick up the free meal tickets…I am failing the mom thing financially but looking back…both my parents worked, things were a hell of a lot cheaper, and my sister and I did without a lot of frivolity because they didn’t have the extra money.
Didn’t kill us, just added to our boredom and the FOMO, fear of missing out.
Man, a free meal and I missed it because of gas money. Cripes.
More brain fuckery…

the company that makes the ‘stimulator’ device I want to try for my depression is Fisher Wallace. My brain keeps calling it Fisher Price. Geesh if kids need therapeutic toys for depression, the world is indeed in a sad state.
The school…

must really feel sorry for my ‘deprived’ child, offering us free meals. We’re not flush with food right now thanks to that whole government shutdown debacle messing up timelines, but I don’t think we’re gonna starve this week, anyway.
I bet Spook pours it on thick, too, how broke we are.
For a broke deprived child she got to go to family movie night, the book fair, Wendy’s, Kentuollar Tree, and Burger Board. My dad and his woman paid for it all so technically, I was the one sitting home being deprived.

There’s another thought for them and their desire to help improve our lives on a small scale since daring to ask for money to keep power on was crossing a line…
Gift cards so I can occasionally go out for a meal with my kid.
Just make no mistake that my kid is far from deprived. On the other hand, I don’t get taken places, I don’t have people buying me clothes and giving me Power Wheels and a $200 dollhouse.
It’s not jealousy, just fact.
And since I am the one who does the work around here, I suppose on occasion it would just be nice to feel rewarded but I don’t dare do it out of our meager budget, that would be like taking from her just to appease my silliness.
My only luxury…

the internet/data for my hotspot, is about to go away. I tried negotiating a better deal, getting a Lifeline contract, going with various companies…None of them can offer monthly stand alone internet for less than $65 and until I get employment or the donor starts paying…the internet/data is our only luxury item so it’s gonna be gone for good. Just 4 GB for my phone runs $30 and with me and Spook both, 4 gig is crap.
And just as I am thinking, Oh, well, I can go to town and use the free net at the library…I CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE SINCE WE’RE NOT RESIDENTS, IT’S SIXTY BUCKS EACH FOR US TO USE THE LIBRARY PER YEAR. So freebie fast food wifi it is…Except they toss you out if you can’t afford to buy anything, plus it costs gas money to get there…

Maybe it makes me a spoiled princess but just being able to keep data on my phone helps keep me from being too despaired. Losing that will be sensory deprivation. I don’t like sensory overload but being stuck here in Armpit with a gas tank on E, the internet is my sane keeper. Losing it and my full Xanax dose is gonna land me on an episode of “Making Of A Killer.”
Joking. Maybe.

I am damaged…

The principal called back and said she would just bring the meals by to us tonight. First thing I do is grab the vacuum but, oh, wait, it’s still broken and throwing out more than it sucks up…Then I started thinking, wait, someone may have reported that my kid lives in unfit conditions and this is their way of getting into the house…
I know, I sound mad as a hatter but this is how scumbag brain operates.
Aside from the vacuum thing and some dust, it should be fine if she doesn’t go any further inside.
Otherwise she is going to see the cluttered middle room, a sink full of dirty dishes, piles of clean laundry to be folded in baskets, and a floor that needs mopped.
None of which I consider fatal. But others…have higher standards. Like way too high.
I am painfully aware…

that I am becoming more and more of a paranoid personality disorder and my persecution complex is hitting new highs which are very low. That is the thing most can’t grasp about mental illness. It doesn’t matter how much you want ‘retrain’ your brain not to have these bad thoughts but it is not that simple.
The principal…

didn’t even come inside. I met her outside and thanked her for the meals. It was delicious. Two pieces BBQ chicken, mashed taters, gravy, dinner roll and green beans. I ate everything but the container and bones. Even the spawn is eating it willingly. That was real nice of the people who donated the dinners and real nice of principal brought them to us since I couldn’t afford to go over there.

Which is embarrassing because I honestly thought I had more gas in the car and maybe I do but with a broken gauge I am relying on my math skills and numeric dyslexia. I try to write mileage and all that per tank but I have this fear that I will get the numbers reversed and run out of gas on the interstate. It’s irrational, I suppose I keep trying to explain to people that depression isn’t merely a mood disorder, it is also a thought disorder and not the behavioral kind. This is an all out war your own mind battles against reality and distortion and it’s nothing to do with being malleable or strong.

It’s a disorder like any other, even if society has bastardized it into something so stigmatic, people are ashamed to seek help or discuss it. For all the commercials about the topic of mental health, the reality is, we can’t relate to others on their level and they can’t relate on ours, and it leads to this cognitive dissonance. Not to mention how far behind the disability act employers are with the mentally disordered. We are treated as less than human sometimes and it pisses me off.
Don’t get me started…
on those who are so ignorant they equate mental illness with some sort of intelligence deficit. Many people with mental health issues are quite smart, sometimes even Mensa smart (not me, but some are).

And if you are smart, then you can’t be mentally disabled.
Utter bullshit.
Ignorance should be classified as a disease of choice. Learning isn’t fatal, people just don’t want to be educated and enlightened. They are more comfortable holding onto their bias and misconceptions. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.
Shameless self promotion…
I’ve been told by people who use the reader that it is easy to miss my posts but they try to read when they can.
Here’s a few links to review recent posts on both blogs.


And that ends the rambling for now.

2 Responses to “Bramble On…and On…and On….”

  1. thats so nice of her to bring you free food! Sounds delicious too! Glad you enjoyed it! ā¤ xxx šŸ˜€

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