Slush

Give my Spook-a-boo a like and subscribe, please. Like it twice, cos our kitten Axl is so adorbs.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSFrhl77kAz3UpMsUfNXteg

Today has been a letdown, compared to yesterday. Yesterday ended on a positive mental note, I got the lawn mowed and felt accomplished…I even made a lawn ranger video, I’m fucking Hank Hill now, sans propane and propane accessories. Seriously, though, skim that clip, just to get an idea of how huge our lawn really is. And I do it by myself with a single pushmower, so fuck anyone who thinks me lazy.

Today was 30 degrees cooler, gray, and wet so as usual, the weather impacts my mental state and…I’ve been circling the drain today.

Dad asked me to take their man child to his job so we went to town and Spook got to spend her Easter gift cards. We ate at KFC, then endured 20 minutes in line at Dollar Tree due to a broken cash register. Previously freezing, I began overheating and to feel like the humidity was smothering me.

My former neighbor now has a full time job and a part time cash paying job, and I still have no job. Which everyone is pointing out left and right, cos I’m not fucking aware enough or feeling shitty enough.

My self esteem is slush, liquified and lacking stability.

It makes me feel low, full of self loathing, feelings of failure, and this adds to the anxiety that we need the money NOW to keep paying the rent and power, I don’t have time for employers to decide they like me or go through 6 levels of hell and red tape for the state to declare me fit to work in home health care, which aside from fast good, is about the only job market here. And I’ve already been rejected even for McDonald’s where my brother got hired-and he’s so mentally impaired, he can’t even be trusted to drive himself to and from work daily despite being 23.

Yeah, I am…not feeling good about myself today.

Hoping it’s pms dysphoria combined with coming off Lexapro and switching to Abilify but when your family daily gives you negative input so you never ever feel worthy and your self esteem never rises out of the damn cess pool…

It’s not self pity. It is these people who allegedly love me being dicks who discourage me and damage me more than they build me up and help me.

I don’t blame my depression and anxiety on them, but they sure as hell do make it escalate and that is on them.

I’m ready for bed.

Fuck depression, fuck anxiety, and fuck asshole family members who can only show love by pretty much destroying your self esteem and mental well being.

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