Dysphoric

Feeling really aggravated and overwhelmed today. All the kittens running loose is driving me nuts, but it got down to 40 and is cold as hell out today so I’m not going to put them outdoors yet. May put them in the bathroom in a time out.

I got a bath finally cos my nasty hair was bugging me. Then I took my first dose of Abilify. For a bit, I wasn’t feeling any ill effects. Now suddenly I feel dizzy, a little groggy, and nauseated. Not amused.

I am on day 10 of my monthly hormonal dysphoric disorder and the cramps are hurting my back. I am irate. For no apparent reason. I just want it over with so I can maybe get 15 days of not being in physical pain and more bitchbeast than usual.

I told my dad I’d come have lunch with them today. I wish I hadn’t. I’m not feeling it now, for sure.

I am trying to do little chores around the house but I am so far behind and so overwhelmed, it seems fucking pointless. And my kid doesn’t help, she piles her stuff in the living room then lets it all fall to the floor and won’t throw away trash. And I harp and do NOT let her get away with it, she just doesn’t care and keeps doing it. I guess I should have been one of the fierce butt whooping ‘control with physical fear’ parents but it just isn’t me.

Okay, I am not liking how I am feeling since I took the Abilify. Might try it with food tomorrow. If this doesn’t go away, I am gonna be very pissed and very disappointed. This nausea and loopiness was why I went off lithium and avoided it like the plague.

I just wanted a gloomy calm day. Instead it’s bright and sunny, but not warm enough to enjoy going outside.

Gah. And I got notified that my applications for 3 more jobs had been closed out, position filled, and not even an interview call. It’s discouraging. I feel like the plague myself, no one wants to touch me as far as employment. And I can’t say I blame them, I am a basketcase without my full Xanax, and my moods are more down than up but far from stable. The littlest things stress me out so much I melt down.

Yet if I want to keep the cats fed and stuff, I gotta find a way to make money.

I had a nightmare last night that the donor came to visit Spook and took her away from me. It wasn’t realistic as it had grandparents involved paying for his lawyer and his parents are dead (I checked death records in Canada, to be sure, cos he lies so much.) It was truly frightening. I am busting my butt trying to be a good mom but all it taks is someone to imply otherwise and I start coming undone.

I had a decent day or two, at least, mentally. Sometimes, it’s as good as it gets.

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2 Responses to “Dysphoric”

  1. I’ve been on edge myself, and completely understand the frustration of what you are going through.
    I hope you find time to just relax sometime today. Feel better. 😊

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